Thursday, December 23, 2010

Special People

Just when the Christmas season is entering its comfort and joy stage, we can always count on a message to lift our spirits. This one is from Ricky Gervais in The Wall Street Journal.

Gervais was the creator and star of the British version of “The Office”, which is said to be superior to our version of “The Office”. I’ve never seen the British version. I enjoy the one on NBC though I do wonder what planet the people that make it live on. During the Christmas show, Good Guy Jim hit Dwight with a snowball in the office. I do not know of an office where Jim would not have been escorted out.

Mr. Gervais op-ed is titled,” Why I am an Atheist”. Just in time for Christmas.

In the past few years, atheism has become more evangelistic, if you don’t mind the term and in his own way, Mr. Gervais is sort of a Billy Sleep-in-on-Sunday.

Basically, the pitch for atheism is this: You are stupid to believe in God.

He begins his article by saying, “Why don’t you believe in God? I get that question all the time. I always try to give a sensitive, reasoned answer. This is usually awkward, time consuming and pointless. People who believe in God don’t need proof of his existence, and they certainly don’t want evidence to the contrary. They are happy with their belief. They even say things like “it’s true to me” and “it’s faith.” I still give my logical answer because I feel that not being honest would be patronizing and impolite. It is ironic therefore that “I don’t believe in God because there is absolutely no scientific evidence for his existence and from what I’ve heard the very definition is a logical impossibility in this known universe,” comes across as both patronizing and impolite.”

Of course, we folks of faith are always wondering about what Ricky Gervais believes and how as a comedian he obtained all scientific knowledge and reason. Funny, I’ve known several professors (with PhDs) that taught subjects like Biology and Chemistry at Whoop-de-do Universities and they believed in God. I guess they didn’t get the memo that said it was the very definition of logical impossibility.

He deals with the arrogance argument by stating that Science is humble. “It knows what it knows and it knows what it doesn’t know”. Ok. “It bases its conclusions and belief on hard evidence. It doesn’t hold on to medieval practices because they are tradition”. That Science is one fair dude, unlike all of you religious people and your medieval practices of throwing leaches down your trousers and prayer. He concludes this paragraph with ...”believing in something doesn’t make it true”. Fair enough, but not believing in something doesn’t make it false.

He throws us bone by admitting that belief in God “does no harm”. Thanks, Ricky. Usually we are treated to historical reviews of The Spanish Inquisition, (which nobody expected), The Crusades, and a million other events done in the name of religion. One of the online comments to this piece said, “Science flies you to the moon; Religion flies you into buildings”. Of course, it would be too much to add religion created orphanages, hospitals, and universities. It would be impolite and patronizing to mention that science gave us bombs and bullets.

One thing about Atheists that I’ve noticed that for all of the mention of Science and Reason, it always seems to come back to what we awful stupid Evangelicals say: experience. In their experience, there is always somebody or something that turns them off to religion. You get a three hour treatise on the impossibility of God and it turns out that they had an Aunt that would hit them with a wooden spoon to make them go to Mass.

Gervais has an experience. He is from a working class background and “mums” didn’t have hope that their kids would grow up to the doctors—they just hoped the kids didn’t become criminals. “So bring them up believing in God and they’ll be good and law abiding. It’s a perfect system”. Ah, the old opiate of the masses.

Gervais was eight, drawing a picture of the crucifixion when his 19 year old brother asked him why he believed in God. He says: “Just a simple question. But my mum panicked. “Bob,” she said in a tone that I knew meant, “Shut up.” Why was that a bad thing to ask? If there was a God and my faith was strong it didn’t matter what people said.
Oh…hang on. There is no God. He knows it, and she knows it deep down. It was as simple as that. I started thinking about it and asking more questions, and within an hour, I was an atheist.”

Gervais doesn’t reveal how his mother knew it “deep down”. He does not share how his brother had more of an insight into this matter than Martin Luther King, Jr, Mother Teresa, Augustine, C.S. Lewis, Tolkien, Barack Obama or the million of others that were not blessed with the special skills of reasoning of this young man.

That is really the essence of the current popular atheistic arguments. Gervais apparently believes that every believer is weak and the idea of an entertainer being an atheist causes them to question their own belief. He says, “In a way they are asking “what makes you so special? “How come you weren’t brainwashed with the rest of us?” He is special because he created a TV show and has been in movies, which means he is, by definition, better than us.

Just as “The Office” had a creator, so must the world and the cosmos. Too bad in Gervais' quest for science and reason he didn't stop off in the Liberal Arts department and read John Updike's short story "Pigeon Feathers". Maybe he would be little more questioning and not as dogmatic.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Restless Farewell

The Wall Street Journal recently ran an article that caused quite an uproar. It has nothing to do with tax policy, unemployment benefits, fiscal policy or (my favorite) what the dollar is worth compared to other countries currencies. The article was about Bob Dylan.

The piece written by John Jurgensen titled, “When To Leave The Stage” seeks to answer the question: Should Bob Dylan Retire?

Of course, the answer, my friend, is not really blowing in the wind, because I would venture to say that eight out ten readers of The Wall Street Journal probably think Dylan died in 1973 (actually, this was Bobby Darin, who was finally murdered by Mack the Knife).

Dylan (98 years old) is in a pack of Rock Stars from Paul McCartney (107 years old) to Peter Townsend (a spry 90 years old) that are not forever young. Jurgensen asks “For people of influence in any walk of life, from corporate leaders to sports stars, the question of when to leave the stage is a crucial one. Do you go out at the top of your game, giving up any shot at further glory? Or do you dig in until the end, at the risk of tarnishing a distinguished career?” It is a good question.

It seems everyone wants to stay to the bitter end. Brett Farve is the perfect example. It is not enough that he has been a professional quarterback longer than this year’s Freshman class has been alive and has a Super Bowl ring. No, he’s got to prove it to you that he still has it. You just wish he wouldn’t text it.

Unfortunately Jurgensen tries to bloster his case by quotes from fans who walked out of Dylan’s 2010 concert finale at The Borgata Casino in Atlantic City. On the Dylan blogosphere, there were reports that this concert was the concert of concerts with Dylan mingling with fans after the show, which is almost like seeing the Pope sitting around drinking a Slurpee.

Jurgensen quotes an individual stating he would never pay to see Dylan again. The only problem is that sentiment has been following Dylan ever since he hopped up on stage at dear old Hibbing High to play that confounded rock music. Think about when he “went electric” in ’65. Being called “Judas” in ’66. The boos in San Francisco in 1979 after his conversion to Christianity. You could on and on. People walking out on Dylan is just another day at the office for him.

My favorite sentence in the article is this: “Though he never had a conventionally pretty voice—that was part of its power—lately he's been sounding like a scatting Cookie Monster”.

That was a nice part of the article. Dylan’s voice and the word “pretty” have never been used in the same sentence before to my knowledge. I have seen some of the 2009-2010 concert footage on YouTube and “Cookie Monster” is a good description of Dylan’s voice, although my son describes the voice as sounding more and more like Louis Armstrong.

The problem is, of course, is Dylan himself. He barely plays the guitar anymore at concerts (although he has a cracker jack band supporting him), he arranges his songs to where they are almost unrecognizable, and he never acknowledges the audience. One of the these days somebody ought to do a serious marketing book about how this little dude has sold almost 21 million albums in 1991 and moved 3.7 million in concert tick sales and grossed more than $192 million on tour because his public relation skills stink.

But there is your answer right there. As long as there people who will shell out money to see a legend croak out songs, Dylan will be on tour. When that dries up, Dylan will “bid farewell in the night and be gone”.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

This Week's Picks

Before we get into the Conference championship games, last week was an incredible weekend of College Football. Auburn came back from 21 points to defeat Alabama. Boise State lost to Nevada and with it, a chance to play in a BCS bowl game. Now it looks like Boise State may play in a lower tier bowl. I’ve been a Boise State basher all year, but I don’t know how you can fall from the Fiesta Bowl to the Hey Man Let’s Fight Hunger Right Now Bowl on the basis of two errant kicks. Just don’t seem right.

Here in the Great State of Georgia, UGA beat Tech and now both teams finished the season with a 6-6 record. They both should just stay home this bowl season.

This Week’s Picks!

Cam vs. Cluckers: South Carolina played Auburn tough this season and The Old Ball Coach has been to many SEC Championships. However, I just don’t see this South Carolina team beating this Auburn team. Cam takes the money and runs all the way to the Mythical National Championship game. Auburn wins.

Gobblers vs. The Dag Burn Noles: Virginia Tech is partially responsible for the Boise State mess because if they had beaten them in September like they were supposed to, none of the “Should Boise State Play in the Championship?” talk would have happened. Then Tech loses to either Dolly Madison or James Monroe and it looked like Hokies were going to have a sad year. Yet, they turned it around, although in the ACC that is not exactly that big of deal. Still, they are way better that Joe Jack’s Seminoles and should defeat them without breaking a sweat. Virginia Tech wins.

OK vs. The Huskers of Corn: Oklahoma is just a lil’ bit better the Nebraska. Boomer Sooner wins.

Georgia Southern vs. William and/or Mary: The Eagles have drawn the number two seed in the FCS playoffs. Interesting fact: I know a player on The Tribe. His name is Matthew Crisafi, a 6’4”, 302lb lineman. My son played on the same baseball team, The Keller Interiors Braves at Oregon Park In 1999. My memory of Matthew is he was already taller than me when he was eight years old. Best wishes for Matthew, but I hope for an upset. It won’t happen. I’m doing my reverse mojo and picking William and/or Mary.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

This Week's Picks

Here we are at the tail end of the regular season of our favorite professional sport, College Football, and at Picks Central we are busy preparing for Thanksgiving so let’s get to it.

This Week’s Picks!

Dawgs vs. Bees: Meh. That describes both seasons for UGA and GT. UGA has been one long boring soap opera while Tech has just been simply uninteresting. Both lost to schools they had no business losing to (Colorado for UGA; Kansas for Tech) and each have fairly good reasons for having mediocre seasons. Tech is already bowl eligible (Rah) while Georgia has to win this game to even go to a bowl. Tech would love to knock UGA out of the bowl picture, I guess. It is hard to tell this year. Georgia wins.

Bam vs. Cam: Everybody knows the state of Alabama is ape fecal over college football and in serious need of medication. From the time a person is born in Alabama, they have to pledge allegiance to either the University of Alabama or Auburn. Pity the poor child who says, “I like UAB”. Children like this are usually left at orphanages with toe tags reading ‘Do Not Feed-Monster’. There is a radio talk show host in Birmingham who makes the point that if the Tide loses to Auburn this year, Nick Saban’s record against Auburn will be 2-2. There’s probably somebody now trying to start up a “FireNickSaban.Com” web site. I think Bama’s offense is much better than the Auburn defense. But, then again, the Bama defense has never faced anybody like Cam Newton. It is a coin toss in my mind. I would like Auburn to win simply to keep Boise State out of The BCS Championship game. Even though they have two losses, Bama is still a bear (ha, ha, get it?). But if Bama wins the guy at the gym will go on all day about how Auburn was not that good. If Auburn wins, he’ll still say Auburn is not that good. I’m not picking this one, Happy Thanksgiving.

The State of Boise vs. The State That Has Only Two Cities: Did you ever think, in your heart of hearts, dear brothers, that a school in Idaho and a school in Nevada would ever be ranked higher than the University of Georgia? This is supposedly Boise State’s last big test. They will pass. Boise wins. Welcome to a month long of “blah blah” about how Boise State should be in the BCS Championship game.

Went In Dumb-Come Out Dumb Too vs. Piggies: If you can say one thing about LSU this year, it is they are the most entertaining team coached by a retard in the SEC (Arkansas is coached by an evil retard). You know my rule: never pick Arkansas. LSU wins.

Meechigan vs. The Ohio State University: This is like the Alabama-Auburn game of the North, except nobody dies and nobody cares. Michigan has a quarterback that needs a haircut and Ohio State has a quarterback that forgets to show up in big games. I generally pull for Michigan in these games, but they are not the Victors of Yore. Ohio State wins.

Georgia Southern vs. South Carolina State: Playoffs? In college football? In the FCS, there is, and somehow the Georgia Southern Eagles made it in with a 7-4 record. I haven’t heard a thing about South Carolina State. Eagles win.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

This Week's Picks

More news from the (soon to be mighty) Kennesaw State Owls: the students have voted for a $100 per semester fee increase to start up the Football Owls. This means alumni, such as your humble scribe, will soon be receiving fundraising mail. I’m not giving a cent unless the stadium is named: Alan Manis Rockin’ Good News Field. [People will say, "Let's go to The Al to watch The Owls"]

This comes on the heels of the Kennesaw State Men’s basketball team defeating Georgia Tech on Tuesday night. Kennesaw State defeating Georgia Tech is kind of like me defeating George Clooney in a Sexiest Man Alive contest.

My hero, Jeff Schultz of The AJC, posted on Facebook about The Owls victory. I wrote: “All I can say is HOOT, HOOT”. He replied, “Now there is something you don’t hear everyday”. Well get used to it, buddy. The Hooters are here to stay. Maybe that didn’t come out right.

This week’s picks!

The Other GSU vs. Bama: The last time Bill Curry coached in Tuscaloosa, the fine scholars of Alabama threw a brick at him. Maybe it was grenade. In any event, Curry brings the Georgia State Panthers in their first season to play Bama. I’m praying nobody is hurt, killed, maimed, or decapitated. Bama wins.

The Werewolves of Raleigh vs. The Heels of Tar: Considering most of their team was suspended for various reasons, North Carolina hasn’t done too badly. NC State, an employer of one my nephews, has played well this year. I hate to do this to you, Jonathan. NC State wins.

Appy State vs. The Sad Gators: This is a sneaky game. Appy would love to beat Florida. I just don’t think they will. Florida wins.

Dookie vs. Dookie: Georgia Tech is fighting for the right to party—in Shreveport or the awful San Francisco Bowl. Tech should win this one. They will. Tech wins.

Piggies vs. Other Dogs: Yuck. I hate this. Pigs will win.

Wesconson vs. Meechigan: Michigan has a Cam Newton Jr. at quarterback while Wisconsin is like the Michigan of old. I didn’t like what they did to Indiana last week. I’m taking a point off for poor sportsmanship. Wisconsin wins.

Old Mess vs. Went In Dumb-Come Out Dumb Too: Last year, LSU lost the game because the coach forgot how to tell time. This year LSU could show up late and still win the game. LSU wins.

Georgia Southern vs. Furman: Our FCS schedule closes with The Eagles defeating Furman leaving GSU with a 7-4 record. Eagles win.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Bear

The results of the recent elections were very good for Republicans. It was a good swift kick in the behind for President Megamind because the GOP took control of the House of Representatives, putting Nancy Pelosi out to pasture. However, Republicans do have one real big problem if they want to defeat the President in 2012.

Her name is Sarah Palin.

For all practical purposes, Palin is the face of the Republican Party. At least as far as the mainstream media is concerned. She was the Vice Presidential candidate in 2008 and in this impartial observer’s opinion, can really rock a pair of blue jeans. She also seems, and I really hate to say this, dumb as a doorknob.

This fits into the Mainstream Media’s template for Republicans. To them, Republicans are either 1) Evil or 2) Dumb. [Nixon = Evil; Ford = Dumb; Cheney = Evil; Kid Bush = Dumb]

There are a couple of other templates used, like “Old” (Dole and McCain) or “Out Of Touch” (Dad Bush). When none of those works, a variation of Evil is used: “Mean” (Newt Gingrich). Some of the radical ones think Kid Bush was the Daily Double: Dumb and Evil.

The problem is when a Republican is labeled as “Dumb” is takes a lot to counter that label. Ford was a graduate of Yale Law School, just like Hillary Clinton who has never been accused of lacking gray matter. Bush 43 hit the Ivy League Daily Double with degrees from both Yale and Harvard. You wouldn’t know it from popular culture.

Palin’s problem is that she comes off like she is always writing a Facebook status. If she was the President at the start of World War II, she would have Tweeted: “OMG, our so-called friends, the Japanese, just bombed Pearl Harbor!! What the Hey!!!!! Who’s with me to go kick some imperial butt???????”

One point about Palin: she did accept a difficult assignment in 2008 running with John McCain in the middle of an economic meltdown. It was not her fault that the GOP lost and McCain should be given some props for giving a rookie a shot at the big time.

She did rev up the GOP and helped elect some people who will benefit the party for years to come. However, she endorsed some Tea Party candidates that were total Eight Balls. Think of how sweet it would have been if a GOP candidate had captured Vice President Plugs seat? No, we were treated to the spectacle of Christine O’Donnell announcing to the world that “I am not a witch”.

Palin plays right into the hands of the Left. She doesn’t seem to have tried to study or even seems to be interested in anything except “shaking things up”. She is kind of a our Barack Obama: someone with a thin resume and a boat load of style..

Palin brings enthusiasm and a new look to the Grand Old Party. Unfortunately, she is also a bear in the room with lipstick. Republicans are going to have to figure out what to do with her or face another term of President Megamind.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

This Week's Picks

The SEC, in my humble opinion, is the best conference in college football. The coaches and athletes are the best. The fans are the most passionate. Everything about the SEC is a cut above all other conferences.

That being said, The SEC is also the home of some of the biggest crybabies and tattle tails on the face of the earth. One coach is always ratting on another coach for some sort of violation. Somebody is always complaining that the rules are unfair and that somebody else is cheating.

The Cam Newton story, which is your average great athlete sells himself out to the highest bidder story, is like this. Nobody particular cared about Newton before he had this incredible season and put Auburn on pace for the National Championship. He was just another kid that got into trouble at another school and had to go to JUCO to get rehabbed.

Now, it’s as big as Watergate and threatens not only Newton’s shot at the Heisman Trophy but also Auburn’s shot at the National Championship.

I don’t know if Newton got a little something-something for going to the Plains, but I will say this: at least he didn’t sell his jersey. My gosh, could you imagine what would have happened then?

This Week’s Picks!

Dawgs vs. WarTigers: I was asked by a LSU fan if I thought UGA will help them out by beating Auburn. Sort answer: No. Long answer: No way, not this year, but thanks for asking! Auburn wins.

Tech vs. The U of M: Can things get worse of Tech? They lose to the other Tech and their quarterback is injured for the rest of the season. Maybe they can make it to Shreveport. The Hurricanes will win.

JoePa vs. The Only Ohio State University: Joe Paterno wins his four millionth game because he has been coaching since I was in First Grade for the first time. Ohio State is having their typical Ohio State year: win a bunch of games and then lose to a competitive opponent. Ohio State will win this one.

Bamy vs. The Other Bulldogs: Last week I said: “I wouldn’t be surprised to see Bamy run away with this game” about the Bama/LSU game. Of course, LSU won that game. Bama better watch out: this is not your father’s Mississippi State team. If I had any guts I would pick MSU, but I just can’t pull the trigger. Oh well, Bama barley wins.

Georgia Southern vs. Western Carolina: Last week, Georgia Southern (School Motto: “Hey, Just Jiggle The Handle”) beat Appalachian State in a game described by one my son’s Facebook friends this way: “First we were losing, then we won”. Western Carolina is generally one of the weaker sisters in The Southern Conference. Eagles win.

Edinboro vs. East Stroudsburg: Our Fighting Scots finish the year with East Stroudsburg (who is better than West Stroudsburg). Edinboro goes out with a win.

Birmingham-Southern vs. Millsaps: Our pals at Birmingham-Southern finish their season facing Millsaps. Panthers win.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

This Week's Picks

The internet was all a buzz about the pictures of Georgia Defensive Coordinator Todd Grantham giving interim Florida Field Goal Kicker,Chas Henry, the “choke” sign right before Henry kicked the winning field goal for the Gators.

This is very poor sportsmanship on the part of Coach Grantham, but having watching the Dawgs play all year are we really sure he was giving the “choke” sign to Henry and not attempting suicide?

This Week’s Picks!

Dawgs vs. Taters: After a losing a tough game, UGA needed a breather, and they have one in Idaho State, which has won only one game this year. Look, if UGA loses, Mrs. Mark Richt would call for a new Head Coach. Dawgs win.

Tech vs. Other Tech: Paul Johnson is probably happy that UGA is taking up the spotlight, because the Jackets haven’t had that great of a year. VA Tech started slow, but they are coming on strong. Would it be wrong to hedge my bets and say Tech wins? Tech wins.

Aroused Evangelical Lizards vs whatever Utes are: This is one of those games that supposedly will show the world the non-BCS teams are great and hope and change and skittles will fall from the sky. Utah seems to be the better team. Utah wins.

Bamy vs Tigereuax: Bama makes its comeback one game at a time. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Bamy run away with this game. Bama wins.

Baptist Bears vs. TBU (T-Boone University): In the eight years I’ve done This Weeks Picks, I can’t remember a time when I have been this excited about a Baylor game. Oh well, they’ll lose. Cowboys win.

Pigs vs. Chickens: Arkansas = Yuck. South Carolina = Good team, coach is always good for a laugh when he spazzes out. Chickens win

Georgia Southern vs. Appalachian State: I’m going to have to do the reverse Mojo on this game so the Eagles can win. Ap State wins but gets beat up in the parking lot.

Edinboro vs. California: You read right, but this is not the University of California, it is California University of Pennsylvania. As their website says, “For more than 150 years, Cal U has been known for its education excellence and for its commitment to the core values of Integrity, Civility, Responsibility, and the Hottest 9.8s in the Metropolitan Pittsburgh area, Yeah come on!” The President of Cal U is Angelo Armenti. Hey, you got a problem with that? Cal is 8-1. The Vulcans win.

Birmingham-Southern vs Rhodes: The Panthers hit the road to play Rhodes College which used to be called Southwest at Memphis is (either that or California University) The Mighty Panthers are 5-3 while Rhodes is 3-5. Panthers win.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

This Week's Picks

Here it is, the weekend before the mid-term elections. I found five messages on my home phone. Five “robo” calls from various candidates. Then, while immersed in heavy research (eating a moon pie) for this posting, another call came in and it read “IMPORTANT”. Well, I don’t know about you, but when IMPORTANT calls, I answer. (I made a mistake not answering the door one time when OPPORTUNITY knocked.) You guessed it, another “robo” call. Tuesday cannot get here fast enough.

This Week’s Picks.

Doggies vs. Lizards: This game has been coined by “wags” (doing my Marietta Daily Journal impression) as “The World’s Largest Cocktail Party”. This year, it might be “The World’s Largest Gathering of Depressed Drunks”. Florida has not been doing well this year and UGA’s troubles are well known. In fact, last month, we were not sure if The Dawgs would ever win another game. Well, they have, but it has been against Tennessee, Vandy, and Kentucky. Despite the fact Urban Meyer is bringing back his best felon for this game, this game is ripe for a Georgia victory. Georgia wins.

Blur vs. Bum: Oregon is going down to La-La Land to face Lane Kiffin’s team. I cannot get excited about this game. Oregon is for real. Oregon wins.

Aweburn vs. Old Mess: Really, do you think Ole Miss can stop the Cam Tigers with they couldn’t stop Jacksonville State? Hide the children. Auburn wins.

Georgia Southern vs. Samford: The Houston Chronicle lists the Georgia Southern logo as one of the best in sports (#84, beating out The Lansing Lugnuts). To this, the GSU students say: “Party!” ( This is their response to most questions.) GSU wins.

Edinboro vs. Lock Haven: You think UGA and UF have it bad? Lock Haven has not won a game this year. They won’t win this one. Edinboro wins.

Birmingham-Southern vs. Depauw: You may not know this, but DePauw University provides an exceptional set of college experiences marked by intellectual rigor as evidenced by their most famous alumni, Dan Qualye. Depauw is already the first team in Division Three to qualify for the playoffs. Sorry BSC, Depauw wins.

Picks for Tuesday

Deal vs. Barnes: Deal wins because people simply don’t like Barnes.

The House: The GOP wins control.

The Senate: The Dems retain control with a 51-49 split.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Final Blitz

I have been able to obtain the scripts for the final campaign commercials for Roy Barnes and Nathan Deal. There is one “positive” commercial for each.

“I’m Roy Barnes and I approved this message. When I was governor, everything was Skittles and Rainbows. That’s what will bring jobs back to Georgia-Skittles and Rainbows.”

“My name is Nathan Deal. I will co-sign that loan for you. Need a boat? I’ll sign with you. Need a new car? Don’t worry about it. I’ll go to the bank with you and talk that loan officer. Nathan Deal. I really, really, really, really, really, really love Jesus”

Unfortunately, the rest are negative ads.

Nathan Deal. Doesn’t that name make your flesh crawl? Nathan Deal. He was a co-owner of Bad Newz Kennels and was Charlie Manson’s driver. Nathan Deal. Try to sleep at night. Bad for Georgia. Bad for Earth. Nathan Deal."

Roy Barnes is Barack Obama’s biological Kenyan father. Roy Barnes wants to raise your taxes and lock up your church doors. He's not in his right mind.”

Nathan Deal wants to eliminate all that is good in the state of Georgia.Nathan Deal. When will it stop?”

Roy Barnes was in an illicit love triangle with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. What sort of sick pervert is Roy Barnes? So sick that he was dating Nancy Pelosi while she was married to Harry Reid. What he did to the institution of marriage, he’ll do to Georgia. Roy Barnes: Bad for marriage. Bad for Georgia”

Nathan Deal wants you to believe that Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are married to each other and that Govenor Roy Barnes was dating the Speaker of The House. He wants you to forget that he, Nathan Deal, will buy candy to give to costumed children if they do “tricks” for him. Nathan Deal. Doesn’t he make you want to puke?”

Man One: It says here, Roy Barnes wants to be governor again.
Man Two: Shoot me now.
Man One and Two: Haw-Haw
Roy Barnes: Man, is he ugly!

Man One: You thank that Nathun Deal is going to have his truck repo-ed?
Man Two: Sure! He’s that big of a retard.
Man One and Two: Yuck-Yuck
Nathan Deal. He’s broke and ain’t got no money.

'(Roy Barnes walking ) It seems everybody wants a piece of me. You want a piece of me, Nathan? You know where you can find me. Roy Barnes. Will fight for you. Will punch Nathan Deal."

"Nathan Deal standing somewhere in a pasture. ‘This has been a long hard fought campaign, but I think I’m fairly safe in saying that Roy Barnes does not love Jesus and worships one of those Auqa Buddha gods. It just ain’t right’. Nathan Deal. He tithes eleven per-cent.”

Thursday, October 21, 2010

This Week's Picks

Radio commercials are usually not very funny or memorable but here in Georgia, where the home office of This Week’s Picks is located, the Georgia Lottery Commission has a radio spot for a game called “Keno” which is pretty bad, but some how, is pretty funny.

It begins with bar sounds. One guy says to another, “Hey who is that goat over there?” Now there’s a question I never heard. The goat’s name is Kevin and he ate one of the guy’s Keno Hot Tickets. But the best part of the commercial is this.

Man One: “Hey look, another goat!"
Man Two: “That’s not just any other goat, that’s Kevin’s goat girlfriend!"

The phrase “goat girlfriend” cracks me up. It sounds like the name of an all girl Southern Rock Band from the Seventies. “Tonight on ‘Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert: Charlie Daniels, Wet Willie, Marshall Tucker, and Goat Girlfriend”.

This Week’s Picks!

Doggies vs. Kenyucky: Georgia killed Vandy last week but this week they must play Kentucky, where the sun shines bright, particularly after beating the Fighting Chickens last week. I have to put my reverse mojo on the Dawgs and predict a Kentucky win. However, this means Georgia will win. (Speaking of which, the new UGA does not have a goat girlfriend.)

Bees vs. Esso: Tech has been quietly out there racking up wins, but they just don’t seem to be out of second gear. Clemson wants this one, but their coach has one of those Southern nicknames that doesn’t make any sense to anyone that hasn’t a swig of moonshine. Clemson wins and this means Clemson wins.

Wes-CON-son vs. Birdseyes. Wisconsin did everyone a favor by beating Ohio State last week, although it did re-ignite the Boise State and TCU talk. It was worth it. Iowa is one of those teams nobody pays any attention to-mainly because it is Iowa. My head says Wisconsin but my gut says Iowa. I’m going with my gut because it is bigger. Iowa wins.

Ducks vs. Bears: ESPN would call this a trap game, but Oregon’s speed makes it hard for anyone to trap. UCLA won’t be able to keep up. Oregon wins.

Go In Dumb-Come out Dumb Too vs. War Tigers: If Auburn had a defense they probably would be number one. Cam Newton is the real deal. There’s no telling what LSU will do in a game. ( It wouldn’t surprise me if Les Miles calls a time out and sends the team out to get a Slurpee at the concession stand). Even he won’t be able to make chicken salad out of this game. Auburn wins.

OK vs. MO: The Sooners have come back to be in contention for the Mythical National title while Missouri is trying to make a name for themselves. This is like last weeks Ohio State-Wisconsin game except The Sooners are for real. Oklahoma wins.

Georgia Southern vs. The Citadel. Georgia Southern (School Song: “Pop A Top, Again”) travels to Charleston to play the Lords of Discipline. The Eagles have fallen out of the rankings and they will take it out on the Cadets. Georgia Southern wins.

Edinboro vs. Clairon: Another school that started out great, our Fighting Scots have hit rocky times in the past three games. Clairon, home of the Fighting Clarinets, should be beatable. Edinboro wins

Birmingham-Southern vs. Sewanee: Sewanee is the Jacksonville Jaguars of Division Three football. BSC wins.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Pretzel Logic

Boy, people get really bent out of shape when it comes to Yoga.

It all started with a posting in by Dr. Albert Mohler, the President of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky. To cut to the chase, Dr. Mohler does not believe Yoga is something Christians should do. Dr. Mohler has posted many blogs on many different subject and has for many years.

You should be wondering: “Where can I find an op-ed column that is an ad hominem attack on Dr. Mohler and gives little evidence of even trying to read the original blog post?” Have no fear, The Marietta Daily Journal is here! The MDJ is Cobb County’s newspaper of record and home of the ad hominem argument.

In the op-ed piece, “Seminary President Needs to Focus On Hate Groups” our old pal Dick Yarbrough uses his wit, such as it is, to skewer Mohler .

His piece begins, “Albert Mohler is at it again”. I love that. It gives the impression Mohler is a Baptist groundhog coming out every now and then to yell, “That’s a sin” and “It ain’t Krist-chan” (this is how Southerners say the word “Christian” by the way).

Everybody knows Baptists are fuddy-duddies and not nearly as hip or cool as Dick Yarbrough. We don’t dance, chew, or go with girls that do.

This leads to this paragraph: “You may recall that Albert is the guy who got his robe in a wad a few years back when the First Baptist Church of Decatur had the temerity to appoint a female as its lead pastor. Albert said at the time that Rev. Julie Pennington-Russell was qualified for the job, "except for the fact that she is a woman."

A couple of points. First of all, Southern Baptist churches do not “appoint” ministers. They are elected by a vote of the congregation. Since First Baptist Decatur is a member of the Southern Baptist Convention it supposed to follow the confession known as “The Baptist Faith and Message” which excludes women’s ordination.

Secondly, as a person with an “Al” name, I must admit “Albert” is the funniest of the “Al names” and it is knee slapping funny to refer to an individual with an earned doctorate by it. But really, would it have killed Mr. Yarbrough to have said, “Dr. Mohler”? I’m fairly certain Yarbrough would not have fallen over dead if he showed a tad bit of respect for Mohler,

Yarbrough continues, “Like a lot of Bible-thumpers, he went to great pains to pull out selected verses of the Bible to make his point about women not being qualified to be preachers. This is the same Bible that says divorce is a no-no (1Cor. 7:11) but which Albert and his crowd conveniently overlook regarding a certain Southern Baptist televangelist who is divorced.

The last time I checked the First Baptist Church of Decatur has not experienced a plague of locusts nor has anyone turned into a block of salt. First Baptist Church of Decatur: One. Albert: Zero.”

Just to be clear, the “certain Southern Baptist televangelist” is Charles Stanley. The last time I checked First Baptist Church of Atlanta has not experience a plague of locusts nor has any members that are a block of salt, either. You bet your sweet bippy that Bible says divorce is a no-no in more places than 1 Corinthians 7:11. However, I’m not sure how this makes Mohler wrong on women’s ordination and Yoga. So I guess since Mohler disagrees with Yarbrough, that make makes Mohler a “Bible-thumper”, although the Roman Catholic Church, Greek Orthodox, and Orthodox Jews believe basically the same thing

Yarbrough adds, “He says he objects to "the idea that the body is a vehicle for reaching consciousness with the divine." I have no idea what that means. Albert can get a little weird’. The quote Mr.Yarbrough uses is from an AP article on Mohler’s post and not from the original post at all. Maybe if Mr. Yarbrough actually read Mohler’s post, he would have an idea what it meant.

Mohler’s posting on his blog (which the AP article reported on) was about a book entitled, The Subtle Body: The Story of Yoga in America by Stephanie Syman. Mohler details his objection to Yoga, which, you have to admit is not Judeo-Christian in origin. Mohler also adds, which has been conveniently left out of the AP article and Yarbrough piece that, “There is nothing wrong with physical exercise and yoga positions in themselves are not the main issue”. Mohler is objecting to the religious aspects of Yoga.

But Mr.Yarbrough hits his rhetorical stride wondering why Dr. Mohler doesn’t comdemn The Westboro Baptist Church creeps.

To be sure, the Westboro Baptist Church uses some very whacked out theology in thinking that the Lord would smite soldiers in the U.S. Army to condemn our country’s tolerance of the homosexual life style. They are a bunch a knuckle dragging publicity sluts that ought to be ashamed of themselves. I’m not sure what they have to do with Albert Mohler, women’s ordination, or Yoga.

I’ve never liked arguments that begin with “you can’t speak about A unless you first speak about B”. I suppose Mohler should have written: “Yoga is wrong—as wrong as those Westboro Baptist Church idiots” or “The Westboro Baptist Church will be doing Yoga….in Hell”.

Then again, that blog post wouldn’t have made the Associated Press wire and Mr. Yarbrough wouldn’t have read it and we would not have been treated to such a well researched and thought out column.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

This Week's Picks

Pardon me boys; I went to Chattanooga, Tennessee last week for a quick road trip. Listened to the Georgia-Tennessee game on the way up and realized that my reverse psycho-pick worked.

All year I have picked the Georgia Bulldogs to win this fall and they lost four in a row. Since nobody else would, I decided the Bulldogs needed my help by picking the other team to win. I had obviously jinxed the Dawgs and needed to jinx somebody else. Sorry, Coach Kid Dooley, but I had to do it.

This week’s picks!

Pups vs. The Commode Doors: It is good to know that the grass keeps right on growing, the sun keeps right on shining, and Vanderbilt keeps right on stinking. If Richt can keep his team out of San Quentin, they should be okay. Dogs win.

Buzz vs. Middle Directional Tennessee: Middle Tennessee State is in Murfreesboro (pronounced “Murphysboro”) Tennessee, home of the fine dining establishment known as “The Slick Pig”. They really shouldn’t be playing Tech (Middle Tennessee State-not “The Slick Pig”). Tech wins big, but doesn’t have as good of BBQ.

Sort Of South Florida vs. Almost Heaven, West Virginia?: Another Thursday night game I’ll miss because I like “Community”. WVU should win this.

The Only Ohio State University on Earth vs. Wes-CON-son: The folks on TV say this is an important game because number one Ohio State (stupid Alabama) is actually playing a semi-tough team. I would loooooooooove Wisconsin to win this one because OSU totally, and I say this with great respect, stinks likes wet carpet. The Buckeyes will win.

Oniks vs. War Tigers: Hummm, Auburn is now in the driver’s seat for the SEC West title, which means that there is probably a rich alumnus on a plane right now flying to see if they can hire a new coach. I still hate Arkansas on principle. Auburn wins.

Georgia Southern vs. University of Tennessee Not In Knoxville: Last week, the Eagles lost to the Wofford Weiner Dogs. This week they should make up for it at Chattanooga. Eagles wins.

Edinboro vs Mercyhurst: The headline read, and I am not making this up, “Edinboro and Mercyhurst Seek End To Cancer, Win On The Gridiron”. Now that is a football game. These players are batting each other and cancer. Good Luck! After a blazing start, our Fighting Scots have lost two in a row, but you know what they say in Western PA. When Edinboro and Mercyhurst seek end to cancer, anything can happen. I say, Edinboro gets back on track with a win.

Birmingham-Southern vs. Austin College: For those of you that don’t know, Austin College’s team name is….”The Kangaroos”. Not “The Fighting Kangaroos”, or “The Mildly Upset Kangaroos” or even “The Just Not Their Day Kangaroos”. It is just “The Kangaroos”. For the record, Austin College website reports that it “does not discriminate with regard to religion or creed, gender, sexual orientation, national or ethnic origin, physical disability, age, economic or non-marsupial status”. Both Birmingham-Southern and Austin College are 3-2. I’ll say Birmingham-Southern because they are at home. Birmingham-Southern wins.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

This Week's Picks

At the board meeting of This Week’s Picks, it was decided that I should discuss the head coach of The Georgia Bulldogs, Mark Richt.

To say Richt is in the hot seat is an understatement. If Richt is not feeling the heat, he has an asbestos bottom. Losing to a greatly improved Fighting Chicken team is one thing. Losing to the Pigs is one thing after another. Losing to the Other Bulldogs is terrible. Losing to Colorado is a statement. The statement is: we are going to have a season so bad, getting a bowl game in Shreveport would be the cause of great rejoicing.

Let’s admit one thing: Richt is toast. When you lose to a mediocre Colorado team, the story will not have a happy ending. In fact, the only thing in Richt’s favor is he has three years left on his contract with a buyout clause of three million per year. That’s nine million dollars and as the baker said, that is a lot of bread. Then you have to find another coach that would have to be at his level in pay and/or reputation. Good luck on that. The trouble with UGA is there is no plan B when it comes to the Head Coach.

Yes, Richt is toast. He just won’t get canned this year and will spend the next two years trying to repair whatever happened in 2009 and 2010. After that, he’s gone like a freight train.

This week’s picks!

Pups vs Busted Flat In Baton Rouge: Typical Tennessee luck-done in by math again by a LSU team who has a coach that can’t tell time. At least they were in it in the last seconds of this game against one of the better teams in the Conference. Until the Pups win again, I’m not picking them. UPSET ALERT: Vols win.

Buzz vs Thomas Jefferson’s Project: Georgia Tech isn’t exactly beating the band this year, taking all game to put away a Wake Forest team that was using a kid from the stands as quarterback. My rule of thumb with Tech is to pick them when they are playing somebody of the same caliber they are-Virginia is that. Bees wins.

Bamy vs Chickens: I know the Chickens are better, but Bama is such a freak I don’t see them losing to South Carolina. Bama wins.

Huskers of Corn vs The Other KSU: Both teams are 4-0 but Nebraska just looks better. Nebraska wins.

Criminoles vs Criminals: Ha, Ha, a little FSU/Miami humor. I like Miami’s quarterback when he throws to his own players and FSU acts like they don’t miss Bobby at all. This is one is hard to pick, but I’m going with FSU.

Georgia Southern vs Wofford: What do you need to know about Wofford? Their nickname is The Terriers (and people laugh at Kennesaw State’s nickname “the Owls”). Was the Fighting Weiner Dogs already taken? Georgia Southern Wins.

Edinboro vs Slippery Rock: In the other big news of last week, Edinboro lost to Indiana University of Pennsylvania (or was is Pennsylvania University of Indiana? University of Indiana Pennsylvania?). This week The Fighting Scots face the Rocks of Slippery Rock. They will crush Slippery Rock into pebbles with a bam-bam! Edinboro wins.

Birmingham-Southern vs Centre College: The Panthers travel to Danville, Kentucky. What is there to do in Danville, Kentucky? As the city of Danville’s web site says:

“Discover the first post office west of the Allegheny Mountains at historic Constitution Square. Tour the home of Dr. Ephraim McDowell, a courageous physician who performed the world's first successful abdominal surgery at this site. Or treat yourself to an award-winning performance at the Norton Center for the Arts.”

I’ve always wondered about the first post office west of the Allegheny Mountains. Who hasn’t sat at the feet of their grandfather to listen to stories about the courageous Dr. Ephraim McDowell? Maybe after the game the Panthers will want to treat themselves to an award-winning performance at the Norton Center for the Arts. Panthers win.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

This Week's Picks

It was a rough weekend at Picks Central last week. Both Georgia and Georgia Tech lost as did my UPSET SPECIAL, Oregon State.

However, Georgia Southern defeated the mighty Elon Elonites in an epic struggle that saw many Georgia Southern fans (not students--right students?!) drink cases of beer in an attempt to push the Eagles to victory. The game was televised and we saw our pride and joy, Ben Manis, formerly number 38 of the Kennesaw Mountain Mustangs rooting for his beloved Eagles. It worked and now the Eagles are ranked 13th in the latest FCS standings.

This Week’s Picks.

Puppies vs The Rocky Mountains: There has been some positive news for the Dawgs. It has been literally hours since a member of the program has been arrested for a felony. More good news: A.J. Green will be back for his terrible crime of selling his laundry. Top that off with playing a Colorado team that isn’t anything to write home about, the Dawgs should win. They better. Dawgs win.

Bees vs Demonic Church Leaders: Here’s a news flash-like all other offenses that have ever been invented, the Triple Option works really good when you really good players running it. Unfortunately, most of them are in the NFL. The good news for Tech is that Wake Forest has slid back into one of their typical Wake Forest years. Tech wins.

Texsas vs Okies: The chances of Texas winning this game, this year, are slim to none with Slim having just left town. Whoo-wee! More of that Southwestern humor. OU isn't that great either, but they are better than the Longhorns. Okies win.

Crocs vs Bama: Did you get the feeling last week that Bama was toying around with Arkansas like a cat does with a mouse? I’m not sure Nick Saban did, but his team is a beast. These Florida Gators have just hatched and are the type you can keep in your aquarium. Bama wins.

Quacks vs Trees. I don’t care about the uniforms, although they make me ill. Feathers on the shoulders? My Lord! But while Stanford is the smarty pants school of the year, I don’t think they can keep up with the Oregon speed. Ducks win.

Edinboro vs Indiana University of Pennsylvania: I love IUP. I wish there was a college called “Georgia University of Alabama”. Little known fact about IUP: the creator of YouTube, Chad Hurley went there. Really. Indiana Pennsylvania is also the birthplace of Jimmy Stewart. Despite all of this, Edinboro finds a way to win.

Birmingham-Southern vs Trinity University: I watched this game last year over the internet and the kids broadcasting the game said that the students at Trinity “really know how to party”. Everybody thinks they are Georgia Southern. The Panthers defeated a very good team last week-they should beat Trinity.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I Don't Know How To Love Nathan Or Roy

This is how bad it is for Democrats right now: in the race to be the next governor of my beloved state of Georgia (state motto: “Yumus Boilum Peanuti”), former governor Roy (Boy) Barnes, a Democrat, is losing by six percentage points to the Republican Nathan (Buddy, Can You Spare A Dime?) Deal. (Rasmussen,9/23/10)

Let that sink in for a second. Nathan Deal, the least of the Republicans that ran in the primary this summer, managed to slink his way into the nomination by pointing out that his primary opponent, Karen Handle, has these things on her midsection and that, horror upon horrors, did not go to college.

Ms Handle, who was chairman of the Fulton County Commission, which runs the largest and most diverse county in the state and was the Secretary of State somehow lost to Deal who looks like the interim pastor of the local Baptist church.

That is not all. Deal has some kind of/sort of/maybe serious/maybe not ethics issues that revolve around an auto salvage company that earned $1.5 million dollars from the state in a four year period of time. Additionally, Deal borrowed 2.3 million dollars to give to one of children for an “upscale” sporting goods store for hunters. It sold the finest of tree stands (complete with flat screen TVs) and the best in red fox urine. This loan is due in February of 2011. To quote my grandmother, it was as if Georgia Republicans walked through the forest and picked up a stick

Barnes should be leading by about ten points. But Barnes redux is not going so well for various reasons.

One, Barnes is a Democrat. That’s means Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Clinton, and a host of other nannies who are always shaking their finger at you trying to lecture you about something. It is just not a great brand right now. Barnes says he is going to bring jobs to Georgia. How are you going to do that, Roy? His answer: by not acting stupid. Barnes believes that you can create jobs by telling people you do not believe in succession.

Another reason Barnes is not doing so well is that we have seen this movie before. Roy Barnes running for governor again is kind of like making a sequel to a mediocre movie. Nobody in Georgia was thinking: if only Roy Barnes were in charge, we wouldn’t have this problem.

I take that back. One person was thinking that-Roy Barnes. This leads to his third problem, his personality.

Roy Barnes is just one of those people who thinks he is better than you. He doesn’t mean to be ugly about, he is just better than you. We can never love Roy as much as Roy loves Roy.

Barnes is running better commercials than Deal. Lots of graphics and funny sounds. Deal’s show him standing next to an old person, then a young person, then another old person, and then a picture of him smiling at you like he is about to describe the pledge you need to give to the church’s building fund.

I’m not saying Deal is going to win. I will say that the fact that he is this far ahead of Barnes shows how bad off the Democratic Party is in Georgia. And that’s the real deal.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

This Week's Picks

As you may remember from last week, we here at This Week’s Picks were very excited that our beloved alma mater, Kennesaw State University, had finally decided to have a football team. I have embarked on a mission to create the perfect fight song for the school, which I placed on Facebook (“We’re the Kennesaw State Owls/ You’ve heard so much about/ Mothers hide their daughters whenever we’re about/ We fight with knives, forty-fives and broken bottles too/ We're the Kennesaw State Owls/ Who are you?!” My niece liked it.)

This Week’s Picks!

Georgia Dawgs vs Other Bulldogs: Last week I picked both UGA and Mississippi State to win and both lost. This week, I know at least one of them will win. Mississippi State is still a young team and they are worn down by two big SEC games in a row. However, they are playing at home in Starkvegas. Georgia has got to win or Mark Richt will find a lot of “for sale” signs in his front yard. UGA just has too much. Georgia wins.

Bees vs Werewolves of Raleigh: I’ve finally figured Tech out. They can beat anything in the ACC. It is just everybody else that gives them problems. Good thing they are playing NC State. Tech wins.

Bamy vs Arky: If I had any guts, I would pick Arkansas. I don’t. Alabama will win this one.

Our Lady vs Stan Ford: Notre Dame has had some bad luck against some Michigan school. It continues against this California school. Stanford wins.

Fighting Game Birds vs War Tigers: Here are two schools that are both for real. The Old Ball Coach finally has a team in Columbia that he can yell at without it getting all pouty faced. Auburn is just a beast. My rule of them that if it is East vs West, go with West. Auburn wins.

Ky vs Fl: Here’s another game that I gave a passing thought to issuing my UPSET ALERT. But the more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that the Gators just have a couple more horses than Kentucky. Florida wins.

O-State vs Boyzie State: This is my UPSET ALERT. I know everyone one is infatuated with the Broncos, but Oregon State is almost as good and can beat the Broncos. The Beavers win.

Georgia Southern vs Elon. Georgia Southern (school motto: “No one can do the boogaloo like I do”) starts its conference play against Elon. Elon is supposed to be a good team and this is a good test for the Eagles. The Eagles will win.

Edinboro vs Gannon: Look who’s 13th in the Division Two standings! It’s our very own Fighting Scots who take on the Golden Knights of Gannon University. Gannon lost to Millersville last week in a battle that had people where ever Millersville is talking for a couple of hours after the game. Edinboro wins.

Birmingham-Southern vs. Huntingdon: The Panthers will travel to Montogomery to play for either the Wesley Cup or the C.S. Lewis Saltshaker in a battle of the Methodist Schools. Huntingdon beat the Panthers last year. I think Birmingham-Southern will win this one.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

That 70's President

Former President Jimmy Carter has a new book out and you know what happens when a politician has a book published. The politician goes out and tries to sell the book. The politician appears on 60 Minutes and other news shows talking about the book. Then the book sits on the shelves at the bookstore until it is placed in the bargain bin. There is no reason to think The White House Diary will be exempt from the same fate.

Former Presidents write books for the same reason most people write books: to make money. That and to settle some scores. If the reports of The White House Diary are correct, this book has it in spades.

But first, a little history lesson for the younger readers.

There once was a President named Richard Nixon who had a Vice President comically named Spiro Agnew (really). Agnew had his hand caught in the cookie jar and had to resign the Vice Presidency. In his place, President Nixon selected Gerald R. Ford, the Minority leader of the House. Of course, (you older people know I’m leaving out a lot of history) President Nixon had to resign for his own cookie jar problems, making Gerald R. Ford the first President of the United States never to have been elected.

Then, out of my beloved state of Georgia, came former governor Jimmy Carter who promised he would never lie and he would carry his own luggage. This enabled him to defeat President Ford in the election of 1976, especially when Ford promised he would never allow Poland to become a Communist country, which was a big promise back then considering Poland was already a Communist country.

I’ve always had problems with President Carter. First of all, it was hard for me to accept a President named “Jimmy”. It was never “Johnny Adams”, “Tommy Jefferson”, or “Billy Clinton”.

Secondly, and this is going to get me into a lot of trouble, Carter was an engineer and didn’t mind letting you know that he was very, very, smart. I remember his ad for governor back in 1970. The voice over said, “Nuclear engineer. Peanut Farmer. Elect Jimmy Carter”. Even as a kid, that never made a lot of sense to me. He was smart enough to be a nuclear engineer and a peanut farmer at the same time! Wow! His opponent, Carl Sanders, was just a lawyer. His commecials never said "Lawyer. Grows tomatoes. Elect Carl Sanders."

Carter decided to run for President in 1972 after meeting Humphrey, McGovern, Muskie and Scoop Jackson because he thought he was just as smart, if not smarter than they were, and here we are today having to hear about Carter still being smarter than everybody.

According to Carter, he did not have a failed Presidency. He had a great Presidency. You were just too dumb to realize it because you didn’t want to wait in line for gas or to solar power your house. My gosh, the man passed more bills than anybody ever elected President before or since and that includes FDR and Lincoln and the only thing people remember are hostages, stagflation, gas lines, and that horrible disco music. On top of that, he was not above lecturing about not using the air conditioner so much

In fact, if you wait around long enough, Carter will be happy to prove to you, with complex Algebraic equations that he was probably the greatest President ever and greatest former President too.

By the way, he is worried about the tone of this country. You know, Fox News and all that. But it is okay when he criticizes sitting Presidents, at the time of war, because Jimmy Carter is incapable of making a mistake. Oh Lord it hard to be humble when you are perfect in every way.

I will give him the Israel-Egypt Peace Accords. He also had pretty good taste in music (Buffett, The Allman Brothers,etc). Carter and I went to the same Bob Dylan concert in Atlanta in 1988. Carter had better seats.

Jimmy Carter is like a lot of memories of the 70’s: best forgotten.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

This Week's Picks

It is a big day at This Week’s Picks because my beloved Alma Mater, Kennesaw State University ( Motto: “Where’s A Parking Space?”) will begin playing football in the FCS in 2014.

Of course, with this being Cobb County someone had to make sure that there was precipitation at the parade and feces in the corn flakes.

The local paper of record, The Marietta Daily Journal, published a column by Tom Harper of the law firm Blah, Blah & Blah titled “Does KSU Need Football?” in which he argues it does not because of the weak economy and the fact that both Hofstra and Northeastern Universities have dropped football. Add to that an article by Transylvania University accounting professor Count Dracula and it becomes apparent that not only does KSU not need football but you ought to be ashamed to even think about football.

In regards to Mr. Harper’s well reasoned arguments I can only say one thing:

Yo Momma.

This Week’s Picks.

Puppies vs Piggies: Last week UGA lost to the Chickens. It looked worse than it really was, but, Coach Mark Richt cannot allow the Dogs to lose again because the quality of his life will suddenly diminish. Arkansas is too busy thinking about Bama next week and I think their coach stinks like grease. Puppy power! UGA wins.

Wreck That Is Ramblin’ vs Heels of Tar: As bad as Georgia loss to South Caroloina was, Tech’s loss to Kansas was just as bad. Paul Johnson was not a happy man this week. UNC has way too many questions. Tech wins.

Rocky Topped vs Future Wallets: Tennessee has about four hundred freshman starting for them. Florida has looked unimpressive in their wins. I rarely say this: it would be so cool if Tennessee won. They just won’t. Sorry, this old game just ain’t what it used to be. Florida wins.

The Other Bulldogs vs Went In Dumb-Come Out Dumb Too: Messy State travels to Red Stick to play LSU. MSU really played much better against Auburn than I thought they would. I’m not sold on this LSU team. I know it is at home in the Bayeuax and all that, but I’m going with MSU this time. MSU wins.

Tigers vs Tigers: I was tempted to say that the Tigers win, but I can’t do that twice in one season. Auburn’s quarterback is a total beast, if he could only throw to players wearing the same color jersey as his, Auburn would be set. A lot of people like Clemson. I like Auburn. The Auburn Tigers win.

Georgia Southern vs Coastal Carolina: The Eagles almost tripped up a tired Navy team, which would have been almost Jacksonville State/Ole Miss awesome. There is something about this Eagle team that is different from some of the others in the past couple of years. They beat Coastal Carolina.

Edinboro vs Cheyney: The Fighting Scots beat West Chester and know they take their game to a school without a direction in it’s name. If you happen to be in Cheyney, PA Saturday, just drop on by and watch Edinboro win again.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Almost Persuaded

I don’t like to follow a “This Week’s Picks” with a blog about college football. It ought to be pretty clear by now that I’m no expert and most of the things I say about this (and most other subjects) are said with tongue in cheek. But last week something happened that made me almost mad.

The NCAA suspended UGA wide receiver A. J. Green for selling his Independence Bowl jersey. The Independence Bowl is played in Shreveport, Louisiana (city motto: “Keep driving, you’re almost in Texas”). It is considered a “minor” bowl game. It used to be called “The Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl”. Green sold his jersey for $1,000.00 to an agent. He was suspended for four games.

UGA has twelve scheduled games. This means Green was suspended for a third of this season for selling his laundry.

To give you how out of whack this punishment is, the NFL suspended Ben Roethlisberger originally for six games for a sexual assault on a co-ed. However, they have reconsidered and Roethlisberger is now suspended for four games. It is not clear if he has ever sold his jersey.

I’m not one of those jock sniffing nerds who think everything an athlete does is golden and they ought to be treated differently from the rest because they has play football or whatever. I have resisted the argument about paying athletes while they are enrolled in school.

Look, college education is expensive and getting your tuition/room and board paid for is nothing to sneeze at. A full ride at some schools is equivalent to a middle class salary.

I found the cries for “pizza money” insincere and disingenuous. My gosh, in the South, football players are treated (if first string) like royalty. They get things that the average student could only dream of (cars, money, help in school, etc). It has been that way for years. My cousin was student at a large university fifty years ago and saw the star quarterback (who came from humble beginnings) tooling down the avenue in a convertible.

But, the schools and the NCAA make millions off of these athletes. Let’s face it, the football team is a running, catching, blocking advertisement for the school. When UGA does well, enrollment and applications go up (on a related note, why is the application fee un-refundable?). When they have a poor year, the reverse happens.

The player gets no compensation for “their jersey” being sold at the college bookstores or for their likeness being plastered on the game day program.

Instead, the player is suspended for selling his own personal property. You don’t have to go to college to know that this does not make any sense. It is harsh, arbitrary and capricious.

What about the rules? There are laws (The Ten Commandments) and there are rules (the player playing college football should be an amateur) and then there are rules that are pulled out of the blue clear sky by some bureaucrat who wants to be consistent and/or gets off on their power.

I’m almost persuaded that college football players should receive some sort of payment or salary. I just don’t know how and how much.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

This Week's Picks

The first week of the college football season started with an incredible surprise. Jacksonville State, which is known as a bigger party school than Georgia Southern, if you can believe that, beat Ole Miss. Of course, those of you that are members of the This Week’s Picks Golden Platinum Plan, would have known that Jacksonville (Not In Florida) State was going to beat Old Mess because I predicted it there for only members of the This Week’s Picks Golden Platinum Plan. Would you like to join This Week’s Picks Golden Platinum Plan? For only $500.00 (in cash) you can receive all the wealth of my insight on all of the games in The FBS, the FCS, Division II, Division III, NAIA, JUCO, and BACKYARD TWO HAND TOUCH games. You will also receive a coffee mug.

This week’s picks!

War Tigers vs The Other Bulldogs
: Sometimes here at Picks Central we get a wild hair and pick Mississippi State. When that happens, we get a hammer and hit our head. Auburn is the better team. Auburn will win.

Our Lady vs Meechigan
: Michgan has hit hard times. Notre Dame is trying the latest in a series of coaches that will bring the program back to where it was when TV had only four channels. Michigan beat Connecticut last week. They should be Notre Dame. They won’t; Notre Dame wins.

Georgy vs The Fighting Game Birds: Every season, UGA starts its SEC schedule with South Carolina. UGA looked good last week, but South Carolina looked better against a better team. A.J. Green may/may not play. The old ball coach wants this game bad. Even so, I cannot predict a South Carolina win. Bulldogs win.

Rocky Tops vs The Quackers: When Derek Dooley’s Dad was the coach of the Bulldogs, every week, it seemed, at least from Coach Dooley’s standpoint, that it would be a miracle that the Bulldogs won. Derek will know the same feeling, except this time it is for real and not modesty. Oregon wins.

The Lions Of Nittany vs The Tide of Crimson: This is the first of the million competitive games Bama must play in order to play Boise State in January. (Boise is playing Nevada Polytechnic and Mining College-“The Fighting Calculators” this week.) Until they give me reason to think otherwise, I have to go with Bamy. Bamy wins.

Georgia Southern vs Navy: As reported last week, Mrs. Picks and I traveled to Statesboro (or as it is pronounced there, “Statesburr”) and watched the Eagles destroy Savannah State. We learned a couple of things. One, if your ticket reads “General Admission” this is means you sit on the grass, no matter how much you paid for your tickets and no matter what the chick at the official College Bookstore told you it meant. Secondly, after the game, a fan decided to light some wacky tobacco and smoke it while walking back to campus. Other than that, everything was great. This Saturday, The Eagles will get hurt by Navy. Navy wins.

Edinboro vs West Chester: Our favorite Fighting Scots avenged their loss to West Liberty in the playoffs by going to wherever West Liberty is and kicking some West Liberty butt. This week, they are looking at you, West Chester. Edinboro wins.

Birmingham Southern vs Faulkner University: Last week, Mrs. Picks thought I was being just a little too cute by saying “The Panthers will win” since both BSC and LaGrange are “The Panthers”. Okay: BSC wins.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

This Week's Picks

This is it. The time of the year in which our favorite professional sport, college football, starts.

Though college football “starts” this weekend, it really doesn’t begin until next weekend. This week, for the most part, the Big Time schools are playing the Little Time schools. For example, UGA is taking time off from going to the bail bondsman and is scheduled to play The University of Louisiana-Tabasco Sauce this weekend.

Southern Mess vs The Fighting Chickens: Southern Miss used to always sneak up and beat or play extremely close their SEC opponents. However, the days of scaring the big guys are over. This is a game the Chickens have to win. They will. South Carolina wins.

Went In Dumb-Come Out Dumb,Too vs The Star Heels: Every year there is a team that all the sports writers like and this year it is North Carolina. But they’ve had a couple of scandals and the quarterback from East Cobb. I like LSU, but this will be the biggest game they win all year. LSU wins.

Gobblers vs The Blue Turf Group: The other team everyone seems to like is Boise State. This is their one tough game all year, after that, they’ll probably be pushed by every other ESPN talking head for the Mythical National Championship. That’s if they win. Boise States does not face teams like Virginia Tech often, if at all. Virginia Tech wins.

Georgia Southern vs Savannah State: Me and Mrs. Picks will be attending this game with the former sixth string wingback of the Kennesaw Mountain Mustangs, BEN MANIS# 38. Georgia Southern (whose Alma Mater includes this line: “I ain’t here on business-only here for fun”) has a new coach (a guy that worked for Paul Johnson and is accustomed to gnats flying into his mouth). They should do well Saturday Night. Eagles win.

Edinboro vs West Liberty: The Fighting Scots go to wherever the heck West Liberty is for a rematch of the playoff game which saw Edinboro score 63 points. Unfortunately, West Liberty scored 84 points. Look for another hard fought defensive battle with West Liberty beating Edinboro.

Birmingham-Southern vs LaGrange: Led by another great 38-Cole Rudder, The Panthers play The Panthers at one of The Panther stadiums. I’m picking the Panthers to win.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

What Is The President?

President Barack Delano Kennedy Obama has been President for almost two years and the American people are still confused over his religious status.

Is President Obama a Moosalem? Or is President Obama a Muzzelem? President Obama describes himself as a Christian and even at one time made it to church on the occasional Sunday morning when his Pastor, who many theologians describe using the theological term of “nut” was not railing against various things the Man was doing to keep the People down.

The White House recently issued a statement about the President’s faith.

“When not being the greatest person ever(!) The President prays to the Big Cheese upstairs. Additionally, The President has a purpose driven life and has met Rick Warren, who prayed at the inaugural. The President also bought an Amy Grant cassette tape when he was in college and it is around here somewhere”.

Humor Me has contacted the leading observers of Religion in America and the general consensus is that President Obama is a Christian, but belongs to a new Christian sect called The Obamaterians.

This is a group that holds to many of the Christian traditions, like having the day off for Christmas and the week or so before Labor Day. However, this group has many rituals and beliefs which differ from Evangelical and/or Mainstream Christianity.

The Obamaterians believe that Sunday is the Lord’s Day and it should be celebrated with the Lord’s Game: Golf. Instead of the Lord’s Supper, Obamaterians have the “Blessed Dessert”: Ice Cream.

Obamaterians believe that one must talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk to express themselves for the Lord loves a “Chatty Kathy”, who is one of their patron saints. Along with this, Obamaterians believe it is important to hear the President speak on a wide range of issues, especially the NCAA Basketball Tournament.

Obamaterians believe in a personal devil. His name is Glenn Beck and he is aided by all of the other little imps on talk radio. Sometimes this devil enlarges and changes his name to Rush Limbaugh and talks almost as long as the Obamaterians do.

Obamaterians believe that raising taxes is a good thing because that way everybody gets to contribute.

One remarkable facet of Obamaterianism is their belief that they are always right and if you disagree with them, even over a non-doctrinal issue like wearing a Chicago White Sox hat when you are throwing out the first pitch at a Washington Nationals game, you are obviously mentally ill or a storm trooping Nazi KKK bigot.

Obamaterians tend to be very wealthy. They can be found on Wall Street,in law offices, and in the American entertainment industry. There is also a passionate class of Obamaterians that are not wealthy and are somehow under the belief that the President will pay their mortgages and their car notes. So far this as not happened.

The words most often heard in the Obamaterian Church are “hope” and “change”. The responsive readings include this line, “We hope the economy changes for the better so we can keep our jobs”.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

A Fireside Chat With President Franklin Delano Obama

Good evening, this marks my four hundredth time I have spoken with you, my subjects, the American people, this week.

I have previously spoken to you about my wife’s vacation and how you have to go to Spain if you want to learn Spanish (duh) and that I did not ask the American people to pay for it. As I explained, we have a considerable amount of money stashed away from the sales of my two best selling books, both of which should be made into movies if you ask me. Can’t you see it, “Obama in 3-D” ? That would be epic.

Sorry, got a little carried away. I have also spoken to you about the crisis in the Gulf, the need to grow a green economy even if you don’t want to, and the need to eat well and don’t smoke even though every time you see me I’m eating an ice cream cone or drinking a beer and there are confirmed rumors that I’m taking a puff now and then.

We here at The White House understand that you little people are upset with the economy. I would be too if I didn’t have a job. But, I’m working. Believe me, I’m putting in six to seven hours a day in the Oval Office and plus anytime I have to talk to Vice President Biden, I count as overtime.

It is important to realize that the only way to have the economy humming again is to have the American people give all of their money to the government. That way you are not wasting your money on items like an iPad or a new TV.

We also understand that there is some frustration over our Immigration policy. Let me explain it.

If you are from Mexico and you want to live in the United States, you can just come on over. We got enough room here and plus we need the voters.

Let me describe those that oppose our policy. They are racist thugs who probably like killing people just to let out all of their racial thug-ness.

And there is another controversy and this involves a zoning issue in New York.

Normally, We in The White House would not get involved in local issues unless it involved a Harvard professor we thought was cool. But a valued American principle involved.

A group would like to put a Mosque near Ground Zero in Manhattan.

As you might know, there are no Baptist or Methodist Mosques. Only Islamic. If memory serves me right, the hijackers of the planes that flew into the World Trade Towers were Muslim.

This provides The United States with a great opportunity to show the Islamic world that we really, really, really like them and hope that they will soon tire of blowing up things just to show the world that they invented Algebra, which we really, really, really like too.

Now, I know that there are some that think this is a poke in the eye to the families of those that died on 9/11 and to the United States itself. I can only respond that those people are bigots and must be shamed in the public square.

America must never lose sight that everything is our fault and that nobody likes us because of this.

Good evening and tomorrow, I’m showing slides of The First Lady’s vacation.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Pre-Season This Week's Picks

In 2002, I found a website designed for alumni of my high school called It had a message board section where you could post a thread on any topic you wanted. I’m pretty sure it was designed for topics like Suzie looking for Stephen. The topics, however, turned very broad and like everything else about the Internet soon took a nasty tone. (For some reason, on the Internet a discussion of “Rock-Paper-Scissors” will almost always turn into some sort of flame war with people typing comical cuss words and questioning the other poster’s sexuality.) One day, during the summer, I was listening to a local sports talk station and they were at the SEC Media Days. So I thought, hey, why don’t I start a College Football thread on the Wheeler page? Nothing brings people together like college football, right?!

When the season started, I began making my selections on who would win the big games and frankly I imitated Jeff Schultz of the AJC and tried to give the teams funny names. Kentucky would be “The Mildcats”, South Carolina “The Illegal Fighting Game Birds”, and so on. For some reason, Auburn was the most fun to make fun of—I don’t know why, that just how it turned out. (Auburn’s nickname is “The Tigers”, but sometimes they are called “The War Eagles” even though that’s not their name but a chant and sometimes they are called: “The Plainsmen”. I have never heard anyone call Auburn “The Plainsmen” but every time I talk to an Auburn person, they mention this name) Sometimes I would call Auburn “The War Tigers”. Other times, I would call them “The Plainstigereagles”.

The thread got a lot of response and it was fun. I remember I bet one guy a bag of peanuts that Georgia would beat Florida. (Of course, they didn’t). A couple of Tech alums presented very detailed Algebraic arguments as to why Georgia Tech is the best team ever in the history of mankind and maybe the solar system. It proved to me that individually College Football fans are fine, affable people. Collectively, they are insane. Very. Like make sure you know where their pills are insane. But, all in all, it was a pleasant experience.

So, I did the same thing in 2003. Same type of response. The only difference was I began including what was going on with my son’s football team and from 2003 to 2008 I chronicled the highlights of the Mighty Kennesaw Mountain High School Mustangs and our favorite sixth to eighth string ( I don’t think he ever made it past sixth string) wingback, BEN MANIS#38.

I expanded it to a competing website called (don’t ask) in 2008. Then I got the bright idea to start a blog called Humor Me and included it there. In between, I got hooked on Facebook and began to include it there.

So here we are in the ‘Pre-season’ and like most Pre-season polls, college football’s are pure bull corn. However, I can venture a guess that Bamy is going to be very good this year and I can see The Only Ohio State University being ranked very high, too. Everybody else, who knows?

One new feature of This Week’s Picks is our expanded line up. In the past, I just followed the FBS schools. This year, I will not only comment on the major FBS games, I will follow the schedule of The Georgia Southern University ( school motto: “Whoooo, I’m in a Truck…Whooo”) Eagles, which is in the FCS (these are the schools that used to be called Division 1-A).

I’m not forgetting about Division Two. The Division Two Game of the Week will be whoever is brave enough to play The Fighting Scots of Edinboro University of the Pennsylvania State Athletic Conference.

Hey, Division Three, I’m looking at you. We will be following the games of the Birmingham-Southern Panthers.

In what other humor blog do you have anyone following the games of FBS, FCS, D2 and D3 teams? That’s a great deal for your money.

I will step out on a limb right now and make this bold prediction: Bama over Georgia State. Call it a hunch. Tell your friends you read it here first.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

American Idull

The Big Shanty 8th Grade Lugnuts were doing their usual: losing. It was a difficulty year for Coach Big Ron and myself. The first kid we picked for the team quit due to a medical issue and we had one kid that we were pretty sure had never seen a baseball before.

In the middle of another long inning, I received a call on my cell phone. It was my wife. She wanted to tell me about what just happened on “American Idol”.

Six years later, we are in our second year boycott of “American Idol”. I’m proud to say that we didn’t watch a second of it this year. Not even the “Pants On The Ground” guy.

It looks like “American Idol” has jumped the shark during “Shark Week”.

The star of the show, the churlish Simon Cowell has left. Ellen DeGeneres is leaving as is Kara DioGuardi. They will be replaced by Jennifer Lopez and Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler. Nobody really knows if Randy Jackson will be back. This is not a train wreck waiting to happen. It is a train wreck that has happened.

The show was pretty simple. First show a bunch of people trying out for the show. However, make sure you get a bunch of morons who “think” they can sing to audition in front of the judges. When the crash and burn, have the Englishman crush their spirits because the English do that so well.

Finally, you whittle your way into some talent. You bring them to Hollywood where they sing two minute versions of whatever the theme is that night, and soon, you have your American Idol.

The judges were very important to the show. Randy Jackson was the musician who has played with everyone from Bob Dylan to Mariah Carey. Paula Abdul was the “star”, the person everyone came to see. Simon was the money grubbing record executive who was out for the quick buck.

It all worked pretty well. Randy would give his sensible criticisms, Simon would try to crush their dreams and Paula would be there to nurture them.

Somewhere, however, along the way, Randy became this “dawg” man and would talk about “pitch”. Paula looked like she had just flown in from Planet Paula. Simon began to look like he was bored and would give incredible analogies to the contestants like “your per-FOR-mence was like something you would hear in a podiatrist office in Paraguay”.

The contestants would stand there, listening to this “critique” and tried to please the judges. Mostly, they tried to please Simon, who, let’s face it, had the musical taste of mud.

One of the more successful “Idols” has been Carrie Underwood. The first couple of “Idols” had been very soul/pop in nature. Underwood was the first Country Music Idol and she took the radio world by storm with her song, “Jesus, Take the Wheel” (or how she pronounced it: “Jeysus, Tahke Uh Will”). Her second hit, “Before He Cheats” is a song that promotes destruction of men’s personal property if they play pool with somebody else.

It is hard to imagine anyone new coming along to match Carrie Underwood’s success. It is hard imagine Steven Tyler or Jennifer Lopez could pick it out, dawg.

Do not fear. Cowell will soon star in another one of his shows “The X Factor”, which is “American Idol” under another name.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A Semi-Recap of "Mad Men"

I learned something very important this year. If you are going to write a humor blog which has a weekly recap of a television show, make sure that show is one people actually watch, like 24.

Last year, I toiled over a weekly recap of Mad Men, which is the best television show about people that smoke ever in the history of the universe. To be honest, I probably should have won a Pulitzer, or at least a Noble prize for these brilliant pieces of comic blog-dom.

This year, I hate to announce, I will not do a weekly recap of Mad Men, unless of course, somebody wants to pony up some cash, then that’s another matter. However, since the premiere was last Sunday night, I am compelled to bring people up to speed about this show.

Mad Men is about a group of advertising executives that smoke and drink a lot. The main character is Don Draper who is a sexy suave identity thief who is married to the hot but clearly insane Betty Draper. Don’s secretary was Peggy, a nice Catholic girl who beds down men named “Duck” and had the slimy Pete Campbell’s baby. They all worked at Sterling-Cooper. Roger Sterling is a rich wiseacre while Bert Cooper is a simply an old man. That is until last year.

Last year (1963), Sterling-Cooper was owned by a British firm that clearly had no idea what advertising was. Before this firm could sell Sterling-Cooper out, Don and the guys broke out and created their own firm, Sterling, Cooper, Draper and Pryce.

Meanwhile, Betty found out of Don’s real identity and divorced him to marry an aide to Gov. Nelson Rockefeller. This gentleman is willing to take on Betty, who is smoking hot while also loony as a Betsy bug and her kids: Sally, Bobby and Baby Gene.

That’s where we are at now: 1964.

Don has an interview with a one legged reporter from Advertising Age. The reporter decides to do what most people think the media does: writes whatever they feel like. The article comes out and make Don seem like a, um, not a nice man. This causes SCDP to lose a big account because Draper does not mention professional Jai Alai which causes them to pull out, leaving American Tobacco as 71% of their billings.

We see the new digs. It is brighter than the old place, but looks definitely smaller. Not as many people milling about. There is a new guy who does the old “John-Marsha” routine with Peggy who has a new hairdo and a spunky new attitude.

Pete, Peggy and the New Guy work on the boring subplot about a stunt to get a client’s name in the newspaper. Pete actually seems like he is working instead of sitting around wondering when the money is going to fall on top of him.

Roger is still his witty self. He sets Don up with a date with this girl he says looks like “Virginia Mayo”, which she didn’t. She sort of looked like a skinny Brenda Carlisle to me. Don appears to like her, but he just barely gets to first base with her.

Meanwhile, Don has to pay for his action now. He has a prostitute over for Thanksgiving and it was pretty graphic for basic cable. He should have gotten his money back, in my opinion.

While Don is doing the Hudson Hula in his apartment, Betty is meeting her new family for Thanksgiving. Since Don didn’t have a family, this is the first time Betty’s had to share Thanksgiving with another tribe besides her own. Of course, Sally, whose next family will probably be the Manson’s, shows out by not eating her food. Betty does her famous Betty parenting technique by trying to stuff sweet potatoes down Sally’s throat. Sally reacts by throwing up on the plate. What a way to impress the new family!

The client subplot has a bathing suit company coming in for a pitch but they do not sell bikinis and want to make sure everyone understands that they are a family company. Of course, in New York this means they make fun of you and Don ends up yelling at his customers because he didn’t give them what they wanted.

The show ends with Don doing another interview, this time with The Wall Street Journal and fades out with a hit song from the era that really doesn’t fit “Tobacco Road”, but it sounded pretty cool. By the way, it is 1964 and nobody mentioned The Beatles, Barry Goldwater, or Jim Brown.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Pony Tail Primary

Do you feel the excitement about Georgia’s election primary? Do you? Wake up! We’re supposed to vote on who will be the nominee in either the Democratic or the Republican Party in November for the various state offices.

As far as I can tell, there has been absolutely no buzz about this election. In fact, the only thing that is really going on is the four thousand “robo” calls a day that voters are receiving. I received one from Newt Gingrich asking me to vote for a local state Senator.

Getting a former Speaker of The United States House of Representatives robo calling was pretty impressive, considering the hot water this state Senator was in because of an underage beer bash that the cops raided and he tried to save the day with a ‘do you know who I am?’ rant at the police. Turns out, nobody knew who he was because, he is a state Senator.

Not that his opponent is that much better. His opponent is somebody who apparently is the second perfect individual that has ever lived on this planet, at least according to the local paper, The Marietta Daily Journal.

Speaking of the MDJ, when not spreading the word about how great this gentleman is, they are using their Journalist Investigation Badges on a school board race where one candidate has out of state car tags on his cars. Considerable ink has been used exposing this criminal thuggish behavior while saying nary a word about this gentleman’s pony tail.

That’s right, the candidate is a gentleman, a Republican gentleman at that, and he has a pony tail. I could accept that on a Libertarian candidate. But on a Republican candidate it seems a little weird to me. I can’t imagine Bob Dole running for President with a pony tail or George Herbert Walker Bush with a mullet. (Although, I could imagine George W. Bush with mutton chop sideburns, but that is far as it goes.)

This school board candidate is also one of those guys that have a thousand different businesses and it is not clear if any of them make any money. He is currently employed by his wife’s company, which evidently does not have a professional dress code that excludes middle age men’s pony tails.

His opponent is one of Cobb County’s professional full time education activists and at present time has the proper state car tags on her cars. Her profession is “event planner”, which, as she explained in a multi-page interview, involves planning events. At the current time, she in not employed by any of the major or minor event planning firms. She is, oddly enough, one of the numerous “guest” columnists of the MDJ that writes exclusively about the Cobb County Board Of Education.

Due to the Woodward and Bernstein investigation of the Pony Tail Man’s car tags, this little fact has been left out of articles about this race. It seems like this is a rather important matter to point out to your readers. The only thing I can say to the people of this district when it comes time to vote: good luck because you are going to need it.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

At The End Of The Day

At the end of the day, when all is said and done, the bottom line is that the whole universe revolves around LeBron James. You don’t get to vote on it. That is just the way it is.

Just in case you do not know anything about LeBron James, here goes: James is a twenty five year old professional basketball player who played for the Cleveland Cavaliers (or “Cavs”). He is consider by those that know this sort of thing, as one of the best professional basketball players currently playing and he is probably one of the best that has ever played professional basketball. In 2009, he led the Cavs to the Championship Series, losing to the Kobe Lakers. This season, the end of his contract with the Cavs, he took them to the playoffs, but they got boot in the early rounds.

If you have followed sports at all since 1974, you know that the off season is when players chase the big bucks, going to other teams, leaving their former teams high and dry.

Since James is such a good player, there was a demand for his services and several teams went after him to pay him what he is “worth”.

[The term “worth” is an economic term, not a social or spiritual term. James earns more than a school teacher because a lot of people can teach but not a lot of people can play professional basketball at his level.]

There were some people; I prefer to call them “morons” who thought, at the end of the day, James would stay in Cleveland. He is a local yokel, growing up in Akron. To them I say: have you ever watched The Weather Channel? It is cold up there about 7 months out of the year and everybody has last names like Jabbernakczakowski.

A guy like James, who doesn’t have a “ring” (the championship ring), needed to go not only to the highest bidder, but to the team that had the best chance to win a championship. This knocked out New York, who for some reason has forgotten how to run a NBA franchise. Atlanta? Please. There is some kind of law that states Atlanta must have at least one mentally ill sport franchise and currently it is the Hawks. Chicago has a good young team, however there’s that Michael Jordan comparison. The only real team left was Miami who upgraded their team with Chris Bosh and locked up their franchise player Dwayne Wade.

It is interesting to note that James wanted a recruiting process because he went directly from high school to the NBA and was never recruited (poor baby) by a college.

Have you ever watched an announcement from a high school athlete regarding the college scholarship signing? The kid is at a desk with a row of hats: USC, Penn State, Notre Dame and UGA. The sportscaster will say, “Okay, Tater, which school are you signing with?” Then Tater whips out a Florida hat and says, “At the end of the day, when all is said and done, the bottom line is that Florida gives me the best opportunity to use my talents to win a championship”. That’s what LeBron wanted.

So, at the end of the day, Thursday to be exact, when all was said and done, James signed a multimillion contract to play for Miami. A place where it never snows and they don’t have any state income tax. It took an hour on primetime ESPN to do that.

I do worry that in the next generation of athletes, there will be one that will want to do his free agent “decision” as a Broadway musical, or at the very least, an episode of “Glee”. [“Where do you think he’ll go? The Pistons? The Bulls?”] But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, the bottom line is that we’ll see.