Tuesday, June 24, 2014

24 Recap Hour 9

Previously on "24":  The President went boom. The guy that sits next to the Hot CIA Agent (HCA) gets stabbed and shoots the world's dumbest assassin. The Not A Hot Russian (NAHR) is in a medically induced coma. Jack calls her a bad name. She is given some medicine to reverse the coma and she gives very strategic information before having a cardiac arrest. Audrey's nostrils flare in a weird way when she is upset. Chloe still has that crap on her face.

Mommie Dearest and the Kid She Liked were thrilled that they blew up the President. Because of this, Mommie Dearest has the Drones crash into the ocean so people can see that she was a terrorist that keeps her word and not merely a terrorist who bombs hospitals.

Back at the President's hotel, they are looking at the television screen with news that there has been a missile strike at Wembley Stadium. Prime Minister Bigchin offers Audrey his condolences. Audrey wonders if this means she is the President of The United States now, for reals.

However, the Kid was looking over the strike one more time and he realized that the President was alive by a technique known as "Chloe did something".  This confirmed the theory offered by Mrs. Recapper that the President couldn't be dead because they didn't use a silent clock last week, which is how 24 always signals when an important character has croaked. Because the President broke his promise, Mommie Dearest ordered the only remaining drone to fly towards Waterloo Station.

Jack calls everyone at the Presidential Hotel and lets them know that the President is alive and  he is being transported by his friend named after a famous American football coach.

Chloe uses her powers of sensuality to get the Head Nerd into helping her find where Mommie Dearest is at. He has a "Terrorist App" and it locates Mommie Dearest. Chloe relays this information to Jack who is flying the helicopter and giving traffic reports. Jack calls HCA and New Jack and tells them to fight several hundred Mommie Dearest's thugs while he happens to land on top of the roof of the hotel.

The Kid wants to split and save "The Device". Mommie Dearest pulls a gun on him gives some sort of malarkey about "standing up and fighting for a cause you believe in" (ie: bombing hospitals). He sits back down, which in retrospect was a bad decision.

We learned that Jack must have watched Die Hard because he repels off of the hotel and sees Mommie Dearest and The Kid. The Kid shoots at Jack (which was stupid) and then goes and looks to see if he hit Jack (which was stupid). Jack  pulls The Kid out the window and soon he becomes a Junior Terrorist Splat on the ground. Jack then shoots Mommie Dearest.

However, the missile for the drone has fired. Jack (with Chloe's help) does something with the computer and a joy stick and sends the missile into the river. Jack then throws Mommie Dearest out the window to Splat next to her son. It was BEST SCENE EVER ON 24.

Out of nowhere, a policeman calls HCA (lucky it was after the gunfight  or it would have gone to voice mail) and tells her about the death of the Guy That Sat Next To Her At Work That Always Stared at Her Chest. Next to him was a guy with no identification. HCA rushes over there to use her "Finger Print App". She calls Benjamin Bratt and tells him about it. Benjamin Bratt looks like he did when he found out he was going to work with another old boyfriend of Julia Roberts. Bratt calls the Head Nerd because he knows the killer will be traced back to him so he needs money, a new i.d., etc so he can go home to the armadillos.  The Head Nerd only wants one thing: The Device.

Jack has The Device now and he calls Chloe because he wants her to look at it. Chloe says that she is done saving Western Civilization and tells Jack goodbye. She walks out of the pub she has been working in and gets into a car driven by The Head Nerd (this can't be good).

Jack brings The Device to CIA Headquarters. Jack receives another time wasting call from Audrey. Then he gets a call from a "friend" (Jack has friends?) that looked at the fingerprint that HCA took. Lo and behold, the assassin was an assassin that Benjamin Bratt has been using on Angie's List.  Benjamin Bratt runs off with The Device. Jack follows in hot pursuit but somehow Benjamin Bratt manages to out run Jack.

The Head Nerd and Chloe stop at a gas station show Chloe can do something nobody has ever done on 24: go to the bathroom. The Head Nerd gets a call from Benjamin Bratt who begins bragging that he outran Jack Bauer. They set a time and place to exchange The Device for all of the junk Benjamin Bratt needs. The Head Nerd hangs up just in time for Chloe to hop in the car. Then, Chloe kisses him. The clock emits a new sound: EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Discussion Questions

1) On a scale of one to ten, I put Chloe as a 5.5 in normal Chloe mode and a 6.8 when she is on Conan O'Brien. How would you rate Chloe?

2) Did anybody call the Vice President and tell him "never mind"?

3) Finish this lyric: "When you're down on your luck and you ain't got a buck....."

4) I always thought Die Hard was lame. You?

5) Isn't running the weakest part of Jack's game? He's a great puncher, perimeter setter, and thigh shooter.  He just seems a tad bit slow.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

How to Have A Happy Wife

It is June and that means it is wedding season. Lord knows, I've been to a lot of weddings. I'm happy to say that all of the weddings I've been to, everyone is still married, to my knowledge. So, if  you want to get married and stay married, send me an invitation.

The weddings I've been going to lately are the weddings of my son's friends. It seems like just yesterday, these little twerps were fighting over snacks after a rec league baseball game and now they are standing in front of man and God pledging to love and honor their mate.

They seem so young. I mean, I was still a lonesome loser at these kids' age and being beat by the queen of hearts every time. Yet, I hung in there and 28 years later I'm an old married man.

Therefore, I think I am uniquely qualified to give advice on having a happy wife

By the way, some feel that the phrase "Happy Wife - Happy Life" is a little offensive, as if wives are these spoiled little princesses that have to their way all of the time or they are going to become a brat (or another B-word) that will make life miserable for their husband. Wives do not have to have their way all of the time--just most of the time. (I kid!  I kid!)

Time magazine reports that it is actually the other way around. A study of  953 heterosexual ( just to be clear) couples by the University of Chicago says that having a husband with a positive attitude plays a major role in a successful marriage.  In others words, Happy Husband-Happy Life. No word if having total ownership of the remote control was a factor.

So here's how to have a Happy Wife.

Listen to her. It is no big secret that woman express their emotions through a method known as speech, whereas we men express our emotions through grunts and breaking wind.  One of the greatest moments of our marriage was when Lori questioned if I was really listening to her and I repeated, verbatim,  what she had just said. I should be inducted into The Man Hall of Fame for that alone.

This is how you should listen to your wife
Do Not Do This

Know She is Smarter Than You.  I cannot tell you how many men I've known that have tried to have, as some people call it, a little "something-something" on the side. Wives can smell this a mile away. I've known guys that have put their underwear on backwards, left receipts in their back pockets, and even taken their girlfriends to Six Flags. It won't work. Women are smarter than you.

Women Have Opinion On Things You Don't Care About.  Women do not have opinions on Lebron James. They do not have an opinion on who should bat lead off for any baseball team. However, they do have opinions on plates, something men know nothing about. Defer to your wife on this matter. When we got married, I went "picking out China patterns" with my wife. I had not heard of this practice. I thought about marriage like most young men (Tarzan + Jane = Bedroom). So there I was, standing in the China department looking at plates. If you have seen one plate, you've seen them all. I remember offering this opinion: "I don't want anything pink". Same way with decor. Most guys would decorate their room like I did in college: with posters of Farrah Fawcett.  Your wife will object to you hanging a picture of Farrah Fawcett in your bedroom. She will even object to Lynda Carter.

A Wife Will Have An Opinion On This Plate

I Added This Picture To See If You Were Paying Attention

Your Wife Knows What You Are Thinking Before You Do. Once we were in Kroger and this blessed attractive woman near us was standing at a display of .....you guessed it, melons. Now before I could even turn on my Breast Radar, my wife said, "Well, now". I was stuck. I could either lie and say, "No, I didn't see her" which she wouldn't believe or fess up and say something like, "Er, no I was looking at the melons", which was technically true. My point is that your wife has powers that are beyond your comprehension because you are stupid.

You would be amazed to know how difficult it is to find a picture of a melon on Google.

Never Question Your Wife's Taste.  Look who she married.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

24 Recap Hour 8

Previously on "24"Jack drives real fast and outruns a drone. The guy with the gravelly voice that talked Benjamin Bratt into giving secrets to the Chinese (and what this has to do with the plot we don't know) is the Head Nerd at Nerd Central. Me and Mrs. Recapper think he has a thing for Chloe, who still has that crap on her face. The guy that sits next to the Hot CIA Agent (HCA) is beginning to figure out that it is Benjamin Bratt who framed HCA's husband and Roger Rabbit. Maybe she'll at least give him a full frontal hug when he clears her husband.  However, Benjamin Bratt sends the guy out into the field where he is shot but luckily falls into the nearest yucky river. President Rosland Capital decides he will give himself over to Mommie Dearest which has got to be one of the dumbest Presidential decisions since President Clinton decided to point his finger at America and inform us he did not have sex with that woman, depending on how you define sex. 

Jack and HCA somehow get The Not A Hot Russian (NAHR) to the CIA's makeshift hospital. She is somehow still alive despite having her finger chopped off, being hit by a bus, and an intense Master Chef  (the show on before "24") that featured donuts without the fillings. The Doctor tells everybody that they need to relieve the pressure in her brain by drilling a hole in it. Then maybe after to that, they'll put a band-aid on that finger and she'll be ready to talk.

Benjamin Brat receives a phone call from the shooter that said he shot the guy and he fell into the nasty river and if he survived the gunshot, he'll have the worst staph infection ever.

Jack meets with President Capital. President Capital tells Jack that he's resigning in an hour because he is ill and he wants to go out with a bang. Jack is visibly upset because, deep down in Jack's heart, President Capital is a good guy, even if his daughter is a flat chested wacko.  Jack tries to use his patented Jack Stare, which he uses to get seat upgrades on the airlines, but President Capital has his mind made up.

Jack calls HCA to see if the doctor has done that drilling a hole thing yet and if NAHR is talking. Nope, HCA, she's still in that coma. Jack tells HCA of the President's death wish (it is like raising taxes when you campaigned on "Read My Lips: No New Taxes"). He tells HCA to "wake the (word that rhymes with "itch" that means female dog) up" (which is probably a phrase heard a lot at Hillary Clinton's house).  HCA gets the doctor to wake up NAHR. She gives some information about a disc that is under a floor with an address which is pretty good for coming out of a coma before having a cardiac arrest. (Her day: kills a man, makes love to husband, finger chopped off, watches husband die, kills sister in law, hit by bus, cardiac arrest.)

Meanwhile, the guy that sits next to HCA calls Benjamin Bratt from what looks like the only remaining phone booth on earth and acts like a real little girl, if you ask me.  Benjamin Bratt asks where he is at, so he can send somebody to "get him", which the guy misunderstands as "help him" and Benjamin Bratt meant as "kill". The shooter and the guy have one of the most boring fights in the history of "24" but somehow the guy kills the professional hit man despite being as agressive as a chihuahua.

After President Capital informs Mr. Audrey of his scheme to save London, the President informs him that he'll put in a good word to Vice President Whatshisname. The President then goes into see Audrey who is apparently running the United States from her lap top. He asks to look at a picture of him, Audrey, and Mrs Rosland Capital. It did get a little uncomfortable when the President said, "You've always been a flatsy-patsy".

Jack comes in and removes the tracking device  that apparently every President keeps in their arm. Then, in a stroke of genius, Jack has the President wear "the baseball cap of invisibility" . Jack somehow gets the President out of the hotel with only having to punch one Secret Service Agent. Off they go to the helicopter pad, where Jack shows off  because, of course, he knows how to fly a helicopter.

Back at the Presidential hotel. Audrey freaks out and says everything but "and the worst part is that I never learned how to read". Mr.Audrey, in a moment of being a husband says, "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do".

Jack manuevers  the helicopter to land at Wembley Stadium in the middle of the darkest night, where nobody would notice a helicopter landing (6:55 pm). The President informs Jack that he's given him a pardon. The President walks to the middle of the field, takes off his hat and glasses and soon becomes a former President.  No silent clock.

Discussion Questions:

1)  Of all of the Presidents, I liked President Rosland Capital the best, followed by President Allstate, and (for sheer comedy) President Almost Nixon.  Who is your favorite "24" president?

2)  Don't you think that most of the time the Secret Service didn't need a tracking device on President Clinton and just figured he would be at Hooters?

3) It sure gets dark early in London, doesn't it?

4) Everyone contemplates their mortality, however, you got to think getting blasted by a drone in the middle of Wembley Stadium does not make most folks' "Top 20 Ways to Go ".

5) I think Chloe likes working in a pub because it is dark and people can't see her makeup. Agree?

Saturday, June 14, 2014

President Christie

Unlike other so-called pundits, I am ready to make the call with a little over two years before the polls open in 2016. The next President of The United States will be Chris Christie, the governor of New Jersey.

Granted, it is a little bit early to be making such a predication. However, I need to remind you that on June 8, 2010 this blog published "You Read It Here First: President Romney" in which I said that Mitt Romney would be the Republican nominee and will become President. Hey, one out of two ain't bad. I also stated in my earlier blog, Alan's Alley, that Barack Obama could become President and that the press would be ginger with him. That was in the summer of 2006.  I think that's a pretty good track record.

There are many reasons why I think Christie will win the GOP nomination and the White House, despite the conventional wisdom that Hillary Clinton is some sort of shoo-in. She's not.

Here is the main reason.

The other night, Christie appeared on The Tonight Show and was in a skit called "The Evolution of Dad Dancing".  It had to be the first time, in recent memory, when a Republican appeared in a skit that was  good natured and cute. Christie seemed to be enjoying himself and showed he has a sense of humor. Can you imagine Ted Cruz doing this? Rand Paul?

More importantly, can you imagine Hillary Clinton doing this?  Can you imagine Clinton doing anything that resembles being an actual human being? She never seems authentic and real.

Hillary Trying To Look Like A Human Being

Clinton made news this week by claiming her and President Bill were "dead broke" when they left The White House. Things were so tight they had to share a bed (rim shot).

 This was her little way of trying to show that her and Billy-Boo were just like you middle class folks out there trying to make ends meet. The exception,of course, is that they made their money off of book deals and speeches. President Bill has made an estimated total of $100 million dollars since he left White House which is pretty good scratch for someone that doesn't throw a baseball.  She appeared about as middle class as Mrs. Howell on Gilligan's Island

Christie has some drawbacks but he can overcome them.

Christie is big as a barn. He is fat. He is rotund. He is two tons of fun.You would not want Christie to sit on your patio furniture. But, he's had "lap band" surgery ("Lap Band Surgery" would be a good name for a band) which is sometimes known as "stomach stapling" although there are no staples. The point is at least Christie is trying to do something about his weight. Chris Matthews always says that America elects somebody who is different from the last guy.  Bush was the cowboy who went with his gut while Obama is this string bean who writes a term paper.  I  think America, who is really into NOT being prejudice against anything, except fatness, may excuse his lardiness especially if it seems he can get things done.

Christie can appear to be a bully, which is almost as bad as being fat. However, a lot of this could be explained because Christie is a leader. He is not going to "lead from behind". Also, he's from New Jersey and that's just the way they are up there. Obama, after all, was only an "organizer" of a "community" and never really led anything before he became President. It is showing up big time now.

I know "Bridgegate" is a big deal because it looks so punitive. As President, Christie might use the IRS against his political opponents. Wait. I think that has been done.

Most of the "bully" comments about Christie are coming from the Left, but really, the Left is the side interested in making sure certain people don't speak on college campuses. The Left is the side taking bakers and photographers to court over refusing to participate in same sex marriage ceremonies. The Left is the side combing through campaign contribution records to see who has contributed to what campaign and then if the campaign is not to their liking, raise such a big stink that it causes people to lose their jobs.

Christie is more moderate than a lot of the Republican base. However, the base has to remember The Inez Principle. This is my voting principle named after my mother. When I was in eighth grade I asked my mother who she was going to vote for, she said "I'm going to hold my nose and vote for Nixon".  My prediction is that the base will hold its nose and vote for Christie. 

There are other candidates, but none of them have the power of Christie. Jeb Bush has the wrong name. Rand Paul and Ted Cruz just make bad first impressions and most people have never heard of any of the rest. (Really, Mike Pence? Quick tell me where he's from.)

Now having said all of that, this is not an endorsement of Christie. This doesn't mean I will be right. I may be as wrong as Hogan's goat. I'm not Nostradamus.

"I knew Alan was going to mention me in this post"


Tuesday, June 10, 2014

24 Recap Hour 7

Previously on "24": President Goldline Rosland Capital asks Jack to save London and Jack decides he needs the Hot CIA Agent (HCA) to help him.  She proves to him that she is a true freak when she stabs herself with a needle to make her go into an instant coma. The NAHR (Not A Hot Russian)takes all 9 of her fingers and stabs her sister in law. In true "24" justice, she is later hit by a bus.  Jack tries to download a bank statement while HCA is tortured by a bunch of thugs. The Brits come in and mess up Jack's plans, just to prove that they are as stupid as the Americans. But it doesn't matter because HCA somehow beats up the bad guys with her "thighs of death". The Guy That Jack Knows, who was supposed to be this "big help", blows himself up.  Oh yeah, Benjamin Bratt is a mole.

Last week, we left NAHR splattered in the middle of a London street after she was hit by a bus. The Niece identifies her as the one that killed her mother. NAHR  is then taken to the fabulous state run health care facility by a fabulous state run ambulance and the ambulance guy notes that she has a recent finger amputation that seems to be unrelated to being hit by a bus. In the middle of all of this triage work, Mommie Dearest calls and in clear violation of all privacy laws, the ambulance guy tells her about NAHR's accident (the one that involved the bus-not the finger). He tells Mommie Dearest to go to St. Matthews Hospital which is easily assisible  by drone.

Jack is having his hourly confrontation with someone that just doesn't get how important Jack is and how much he's just getting in the way of Jack's work. HCA sort of looks like someone that was hot that was kind of tortured. Jack learns from Chloe about the NAHR's "mishap". Jack decides to go to the hospital because NAHR's chasing of her niece means that she might actually be a human bean (Texas speak for "human being") and will not want to blow London.

Chloe gets a text on her computer that says WIPE THAT CRAP OFF YOUR FACE, YOU'RE ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD GET OUT OF THERE. She hightails it out of Nerd Central and goes to a pub, like every office worker in the United States.

Jack gets a phone call from President Capital  and Jack finks on the British. Prime Minister Bigchin stumbles on in and gets into a holler match with President Capital that ends with the "No He Didn't" moment when the Prime Minister questions the President's bloody health because the President acts like a bloody loon half of the bloody time.

Back at the CIA Headquarters, Benjamin Bratt gets another phone call from the husky voiced  caller that he got a few minutes before. It turns out the caller is none other than The Head Nerd from Nerd Central. They are somehow involved in a plot to send HCA's husband to jail, probably so they could just stare at her chest.  The Head Nerd notes that someone in the office is going through these files that would clear HCA's husband and put Benjamin Bratt in jail. That guy is the guy that sits next to HCA. Well, Benjamin Bratt has him go out on an assignment which in "24" world means he is going to get shot or attacked by a lion. The guy goes to a houseboat on the river and is shot by a lion.

Jack and HCA arrive at the hospital. Jack goes into full Jack mode insisting that the doctor immediately heal NAHR so he can beat the information out of her. The doctor notes that this is socialized medicine so NAHR won't be seen for another six weeks so Jack can go ahead and beat her up question her. NAHR is her typical stupid self, refusing to give Jack any information. So Jack squeezes the amputated finger, which just happens to be the only area of her body without a band-aid on it. Jack later regrets doing this because she still didn't give up any information, choosing instead to "pass out".

HCA goes and finds The Niece who tells HCA that NAHR killed her mom. The Niece didn't ask anything about why HCA's face was all beat up like every little girl on the face of the earth. For some odd reason, HCA gave her a "Ginger Beer", which sounds kind of gross to me, even for Europe.

Would You Drink This?

As it would happen, Mommie Dearest sent one of her Junior Terrorists over to the hospital to kill NAHR before they waste a bomb blowing up the hospital.  The Junior Terrorist did a really bad job- getting killed by a British police officer- which means that when he goes to meet Allah, he gets a really fat virgin, instead of the seventy that all of the cool ones get.

Jack quickly reads a text Mommie Dearest sent to Junior Terrorist and quickly surmises that there will be a drone strike in eight minutes mainly because the text said "JT: Drone Strike in 8 minutes, MD". The hospital is in full evacuation alert when it is hit by a drone. Then, the drone starts going after Jack, who finds the only car with the steering wheel on the correct side of the car,  The drone misses Jack by a couple of inches and Jack goes into full ATLANTA DRIVER ON I-285 mode (ie: bat out of hell). Jack uses his massive Jack brain to get the drone to waste all of its bombs.

Jack Being a Big Help

As all of this was happening, Mr. Audrey meets with the Russian Deputy Vice 2nd Premier, who not only had the most comical accent but also the most comical facial hair in Prime Time Network Television. The Russian again demanded "The Krim-en-al Jack Bauer" along with "Moose and Squirrel". Mr. Audrey reminded him that, hey, London is under attack and Jack Bauer is the only one that can save us. The Russian countered that they know Audrey was once Jack's flat chested lover.

The President calls Jack again and wants to meet with Jack ASAP. The President then puts on a dress jacket, slicks back his hair, and Skypes Mommie Dearest and tells her that he will agree to her terms. I know I speak for all of America when I say, WHUT?!

Discussion Questions

1) I never heard of "Ginger Beer" before. Is it anything like Cheerwine?

2) Do Chloe and the Head Nerd have a thing for each other?

3) You would think Russia would give the United States  a day or two on the whole  "handing over Jack Bauer" business, wouldn't you?

4) Wasn't it great seeing The President and The Prime Minister yell at each other?

Friday, June 6, 2014

20 Things I learned from 70's Music

The period in which I grew from a kid to an adult kid was the 1970's. Here's the top twenty things I learned from the music of that era.

1) Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a good friend with some mighty fine wine.

2) If you drive a Chevy to a levee the levee will be dry.

3)  When you are weary, I will lay me down like a bridge over troubled water. How this helps you, I do not know.

4) Mars ain't the kind of place to raise kids mainly because it is cold.

5) You have to prepare yourself for The Rubber Band Man, especially if he starts to jam.

6) You have to get up to boogie.

7) Lighten up. While you still can. Don't even try to understand.

8) Watergate did not bother me-did your conscience bother you? Tell me true.

9) Doctor! My Eyes!

10) "My Sweet Lord" sounds just like "He's So Fine".

11) LA's fine, the sun shines, most of the time.

12) Almost Heaven? West Virginia? (Dave Barry)

13) There are 50 ways to leave your lover, but Paul Simon is only going to tell you about six of them

14) Short people have no reason to live.

15)  Life in the fast lane will make you lose your mind

16) I'm hot blooded. Check it and see.

17)  It was very important to rock

18)  You are so vain. You probably think this song is about you.

19) Apparently, there was some controversy about Shaft and if he was/was not a bad mother.

20)  Of all the nights, Friday is a great night for fighting because you have two days to recover before you have to be at work, but Saturday Night's all right, too.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

24 Recap Hour 6

Previously on "24":  President Goldline changes his name to President Rosland Capital (when the recapper realizes that is the company William Devane does commercials for) and meets with  Jack. Jack might/maybe/could possibly know a guy that maybe/perhaps/hopefully could save London from a drone attack that has only occurred in the nightmares of Rand Paul. However, there was nothing to save Jack from meeting up with Audrey again. Chloe still hasn't washed that crap off her eye lids. Mommie Dearest shoots her son-in law, The Terrorist Weenie, to death and blows up a house that the CIA went to by accident because, unlike Jack, they are stupid.

The aftermath of the drone attack causes Benjamin Bratt to talk into his helmet and advise that he doesn't know how many people were killed mainly because it just happened. President Rosland Capital  tells a story about how sandwiches in his youth were called "Flat Breadies". This upsets Prime Minister Bigchin who later learns from his hot aide (naturally the hottest woman in Great Britain) that President Capital is going a bit bloody daft barmy.

President Capital is with it enough to know he needs to send Jack to save the world. Again. He asks Jack what he wants. Jack wants the basics: gun, secure phone, ear piece to hear Chloe and the Hot CIA Agent.  Mr. Audrey brings Jack his phone and it is another awkward Audrey inspired moment. Jack assures Mr. Audrey that Audrey is just a flat chested memory of the past and that he has his mind focused solely on saving London and the HCA's killer bod.

Benjamin Bratt informs HCA that she doesn't need to clean out her desk, just yet, because Jack Bauer has asked to work with her, which means she's probably going to die. He also asks for a few months advance on the Birthday Club fees.

Back at Chopped Finger Manor, Mommie Dearest and NAHAR decide to find the Terrorist Weenie's sister because more than likely she is cute in a next door neighbor from an Arab Country kind of way and she'll have a darling daughter that's the apple of every terrorist's eye.

President Capital calls Prime Minister Bigchin to tell him not to worry because Jack Bauer is on the case, which should be a relief. Prime Minister Bigchin thinks this is not jolly good because Jack is up to his bloody arse in bloody warrants from other bloody countries and decides right then and there to bloody  mess every bloody thing up.

Jack meets up with HCA and tells her the big plan. He's going to meet with this guy, somehow get his teller card, and trace the money back to Mommie Dearest.  His closing sells pitch: "There's a good chance we'll both end up dead".  HCA responds by jabbing a needle into her neck, which freaks out even Jack.

Mr. Audrey and Audrey meet to discuss what happened when she met Jack and if she kept her clothes on. Then Mr. Audrey takes a call from Russian who has another comical accent and who asks about "Moose and Squirrel". Mr.Audrey informs him that you can probably find Bullwinkle and Rocky on DVD and that, oh by the way, Jack Bauer is on a mission to save Great Britain from destruction. This makes the Russian unhappy.

Jack (and HCA who is in the trunk, asleep)  meet The Guy Jack Knows at a warehouse. They are under the watchful eye of Jack's Friend, who pop ups when Jack needs help and the British MI-5. The Guy Jack Knows is an arms dealer that Jack use to shoot thighs for on a freelance basis. They go through this long process of dragging HCA out of the car trunk and waking her up, just to torture her. The Guy Jack Knows is also as crazy as a betsy bug and it takes him several minutes just to get him to give the pass code for the bank to Jack. (The Pass Code is "Bosco").

Another Joke Explained

Right when the bad guys decide to kill HCA, the British MI-5 storm the warehouse  and there is an ensuing battle that is topped off by The Guy That Jack Knows blowing himself up with a hand grenade. But, we got the pass code and somehow Chloe, who still has that make up on, begins to trace Mommie Dearest.

However, she is actually tracing NAHR who has gone to her sister in law's house to either: 1) stab her or 2) warn her  or 3) stab and warn her. She goes for Number Three, but right in front of her niece. The niece runs out of the house, with NAHR in hot pursuit.  NAHR, not looking both ways, gets hit by one of those double decker buses, just to remind you that we are still in England.

Back at CIA Headquaters, Benjamin Bratt receives a call from a mysterious caller that lets us know that he was behind all of the mess with HCA's husband and the Chinese. Bratt is a mole!  And now for an exclusive SPOILER ALERT!  The following is a picture of the mysterious caller.

Discussion Questions

1) Did you really know the difference between Rosland Capital and Goldline?

2) Jack tells Mr. Audrey that he knows he is a good man. How would Jack know?

3) This is NAHR'S day so far: Acted like a Russian; Killed a Man in a bathroom; Made love to her husband; Had her finger chopped off; Watched her husband murdered by her mother; Stabbed her sister in law. Hit by a bus.  Ever have a day like that?

4) Do you think Jack thought HCA's needle neck stab was cute?

5) It is The Heat and The Spurs again in The NBA Finals. Does that stink or what?