Thursday, December 20, 2012

What 2012 Has Taught Me

  • Your core principles and proven success in life are less important than how you took your dog on vacation in 1983.

  • Madonna and Lady Gaga are not related.

  •  Never pay full price for any movie that Will Ferrell is in.

  • People take their chicken sandwiches very seriously.

  • Twitter is not only one of the best things that has ever been invented (you can find some great humor on Twitter) but it is also one of the worst things ever invented.
Pope's Tweet: "Just got The Catholics vs Cousins t-shirt. LOL!!!

  • You didn’t build that.

  • The “rich” (definition: anybody with more money than me) need to pay “their fair share” (definition: more).

  • Movies do not cause people to commit heinous acts of violence, unless, of course, they are Muslims.

  • From Marybeth Sullivan: “2012 taught me that a major league baseball infield extends 225 feet from home plate”.

  • The most precise description ever regarding football from a Brazilian super model married to a quarterback: “You [have] to catch the bouell (ball) when you're supposed to catch the bouell (ball). My husband cannot [curse word that rhymes with ducking] throw the bouell (ball) and catch the bouell (ball) at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the bouell (ball) so many times.”

  • “The Rick Santorum Look” never quite caught on.

  • There will never be another Andy Griffith, Dick Clark, Whitney Houston, Duck Dunn, Joe South or Levon Helm.

  • The guitar in the songs “Stranger In The Night” and “Help Me Rhonda” was played by Glen Campbell, who was a member of a band called “The Wrecking Crew”. “The Wrecking Crew” was a group of studio musicians that played on about a million records in the 60’s and 70’s.  “”The Wrecking Crew” also included Leon Russell and Dr. John.

  • One reason why we need to reemphasize math: Our colleges and universities are stocked with professors in which English is no where close to their primary language.

  • All it takes is a nut and a gun.

  • Maybe replacement referees were not such a good idea

  • The most important book I read all year was The Years of Lyndon Johnson: The Passage of Power  by Robert Caro.  I tweeted about “LBJ” and some thought I was talking about Lebron James.

  • When history classes 100 years from now studies the decline of American power, it will focus on three words:  “Honey Boo-Boo”.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Comfort and Joy

Has it really been two years since my wife was diagnosed with Breast Cancer? It was a Stage One Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. This means the tumor was little (bigger than a dime-smaller than a nickel), but it was metastasizing. If ignored, the Cancer would have spread to her lymph nodes. The lymph nodes are the interstate highways of the body and what happens after that is anybody’s guess but it generally not very good.

We went to a “Breast Specialist”. My high school guidance counselor never told me about this job. I would have stood in line for at least the brochure. You and Breasts: A Winning Team. Tom H. of Colorado says, “I’ve always liked women’s breasts and now I can earn a living specializing in them.”

I’ve always been interested in how physicians decide on what to specialize in. I mean, what makes a person go into proctology, considering it is such a narrow field?  Does a proctologist ever wake up at night realizing his profession isn’t what it’s cracked up to be?  By the way, doesn’t the phrase, “getting a little behind in your work” take on a whole meaning in a proctology clinic?  So, here’s a conversation I had with the doctor, who was a woman, by the way.

Me: “So what made you go into breasts?”

The Doctor: “Oh, I find breasts fascinating.”

Me: “Get out of town! Me too!”

My Wife: “Hey! Remember me? Cancer patient- right here!”

After the Physician/Husband bonding, Lori’s options were explained to us. Actually, the options were pretty simple. One, we could ignore the cancer and hope it goes away.  The likelihood of this happening: zero per-cent.  One thing about cancer:  it will not be ignored. Two, she could have a lumpectomy and radiation therapy and maybe chemotherapy depending on if any cancer had invaded her lymph nodes and what her blood work showed.  The likelihood of this happening: 100 per-cent.

To make a long story short: Lori had the lumpectomy and the radiation treatment. The lymph nodes were not compromised. Her blood work was fine. She did not require chemotherapy. She was placed on Tamoxifen, which according to the leading medical minds of this country (Wikipedia) “is an antagonist  of the estrogen receptor in breast tissue via its active metabolite, hydroxytamoxifen”.  Besides being an estrogen receptor antagonist, Tamoxifen is also the enabler of some the Hottest Hot Flashes a person could have. But, what would you rather have: Hot Flashes or Cancer?

Not to get maudlin, but I feel real blessed that we found Lori’s cancer as soon as we did. Besides the cancer part, all of the news we got during that time was good news.  A lot of people get nothing but bad news. Like my old pal, Ricky.

Ricky was this guy I met when I was going to Louisiana College. He graduated from there and went on to seminary. He earned a PhD and taught Hebrew at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary. He is now the senior pastor at The Temple Baptist Church in Ruston, Louisiana. He has Stage IV Melanoma.

One thing good about Facebook: it allows people to reach out and contact those that are going through a crisis.  Ricky has been very honest and brave in his posts. The reactions from his church, former students and friends have been very loving and positive. 

So, when you have a moment, send a prayer up for Ricky and his family. Right now, they need comfort and joy.


Thursday, November 29, 2012

This Week's Picks

Here we are at the end of another college football season and another award winning season of This Week’s Picks. Since 1959, This Week’s Picks have been predicting the winners of college football games, usually with about of the same lack of success rate as Dick Morris and Karl Rove.

During the early years of This Week's Picks with Karl and George.

This will be a very special edition of This Week’s Picks because it will be an All Georgian This Week’s Picks because the three of the four major colleges in Georgia are involved in either a conference championship or a playoff game. For some reason Kennesaw State missed the playoffs.

This week’s picks!

The SEC Championship: Georgia vs. Alabama.  This is as big time as it gets in College Football: two one-loss teams fighting to see who gets to play (and destroy) Notre Dame in the BCS Championship. Last year UGA played LSU and got killed in the second half. This year, the Dawgs have a better chance of winning the SEC than they did last year. However, they need that little something extra: they need THE MANIS JINX.

For those of you that don’t know, THE MANIS JINX occurs when I pick a team to win and then that team loses. It has come down to this. Alabama is great team and is a serious beast. They should win this game. They will. Alabama wins.  BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH. Now you are cursed Alabama. You may not win another game for ten years.

     Coach Saban reacts to THE MANIS JINX

The ACC Championship: Georgia Tech vs. Florida State. You know how kids get a participation medal? This is Tech's participation medal. They played lousy in a lousy division. They are playing in the championship game because, hey, somebody has to play FSU.  Tech looks about as bad as a football team going to a conference championship can look. If they win The ACC, they get a trip to the Orange Bowl. If they win The ACC, look for mass suicides at the offices of the Orange Bowl.  That shouldn’t be a problem Florida State is way better than Tech. Florida State wins.

Central Arkansas vs. Georgia Southern: Here’s a brief history of The University of Central Arkansas. It was founded in 1907 as The Arkansas State Normal School.  The name was changed in 1908 to The Arkansas State Quirky School when it was realized that there were no normal people in Arkansas.  The name was changed again in 1909 to The Arkansas State Just Plain Nuts School, which was its name until 1975. Famous alumni include Gil Gerard and Scottie Pippen. The school has no motto. This bothers a lot of the students. “Dude”, they say, “I wish we, like, had a motto or something”.  On the other hand, Georgia Southern has tons of mottos. For example, "Ego Amo Beer. Is Planto Mihi A Jolly Bonus Socius" Georgia Southern wins.

 This year's Homecoming Queen at The University of Central Arkansas.

Monday, November 26, 2012

How To Argue On Social Media Like A World Champ

Now that the Presidential contest is over, we need to acknowledge that this was the first full fledge election that Social Media (Facebook and Twitter) has taken part in. Previously, Facebook and Twitter was used to show your family and friends pictures of your vacation and what you are having for supper. Now it is a way of expressing your political opinion.  Which turns out to be much like your vacation pictures: no one is really interested.

Some people do not realize that Facebook and Twitter are supposed to be lightweight means of expression. Some want to argue and debate on Facebook and Twitter. I’m going to give a little tutorial on how to Argue in Social Media. This will be on the final exam.

  1. Act like anyone that disagrees with you is a dork.  If they were not a dork, they would agree with you. Isn’t that simple?

  1. Use as many swear words a possible. Calling someone a moron will never win a Social Media debate. Calling someone an (Anglo-Saxon term for intercourse) moron means you will win any debate at any time.

  1. Debate topics that nobody has ever debated before. For example: do animals have constitutional rights?

  1. Grammar and spelling are not that important in Social Media. Except when you are in a debate. Then it is proper and fitting to point out all of the grammatical and spelling errors you can find. Find a way to work in the phrase: “Irregardless is not a word”, like you are Noah Webster.  You may not win friends, but you will win the argument.

  1. If you are discussing a controversial topic, like The Kennedy Assassination, make sure you use a discredited movie as the basis of your opinion, like a recently retired third baseman for The Atlanta Braves.
This third baseman disagrees with the findings of The Warren Commission.

  1. My personal favorite: use as many question marks or exclamation points as possible with capital letters. Such as: “JOHN MCCAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHAT R U SAYING??????????????????????????????????” or “I GUESS OBAMA IS A STUPID MOOSLEM SOCIALIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????   I learned in my 14 years of taking English classes that one question mark or exclamation point was sufficient.  I guess that is obsolete.

  1. Never, Never, Never, Never, Never,Never concede a point. That means that you are a loser and that the other person is right and therefore, better than you.

  1. Never acknowledge that the person you are disagreeing with is an actual human being with feelings. This makes you weak.

  1. Memes of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka are always an effective tool to destroy an opponents argument.

  1.  One bonus: if you are in a Tweet war with a celebrity on Twitter, they may re-Tweet  your brilliant salvo for all the Twitter world to see.

  1.  Research is not required.

  1.  Neither is maturity.

  1.  The good: if you get into a heated political discussion at work, punches might be thrown. On Facebook, the worse that can happen is that you get defriended.

   14.  Circular arguments are the best. Here's Monty Python to show you how it works.


      15. Always remember: You're right! They're wrong! Plus they are either: racists, homophobes, plutocratic snobs, uptight fundamentalists, or at worst, a white Southern male. Or: they are a liberal.



Tuesday, November 20, 2012

This Week's Picks

Change happens.  When Texas A &M defeated Alabama two weeks ago, the whole world said, and I quote, “HA!” It was assumed that Bama’s title hope was dashed by a young man who only a week before wore a Scooby Do costume for Halloween. It was a given that THE BCS TOSTITOS LONG JOHN SILVER SEARS J.C. PENNY JIFFY LUBE  CHAMPIONSHIP GAME would feature Oregon, which has about 400 uniforms and Kansas State, which is somewhere in Kansas. 

The answer to the question: Scooby Do, Where are you?

Well, not quite. Stanford beat Oregon and Baylor beat Kansas State. Now it looks like Bama will probably make it into the Championship Game and play Notre Dame. Or maybe not. You never know in college football. The only thing we really know right now is that Lou Holtz is a very happy inarticulate old man.

         Lou Holtz at home and at work.

This Week’s Picks

Dawgs vs. The Bees:  Here in Georgia, we call this game “Clean Old Fashioned Hate” because the schools supposedly hate each other. However, over the years it has mellowed out into more of a “Clean Old Fashioned Mutual Gets On My Last Nerves With That (Barking Even Though He Didn’t He Go There) or (Star Wars Trivia Knowledge) depending upon the school.  Georgia needs to win this game to keep their hopes alive for a shot of the national championship. Georgia Tech somehow won their division in The ACC.    Dawgs win.

Bamy vs. War Tigers:  This is how bad it has been at the University of the Plains. An Auburn professor yelled at his class because they were very lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said. One of the students put up his hand. "But professor, there aren't that many in this class," he said.  The football team has been about as bad as that joke. Bama wins

             The best Auburn Cheer of 2012

Meechigan vs. Ohioer State:  Due to some players getting  free tattoos a couple of years ago, The Buckeyes cannot play for the BCS Championship. Which is great because Urban Meyer is their coach and we’d hear all about how he works 48 hours a day and has high standards and wears a diaper because he doesn’t want to take a bathroom break, yadda, yadda.  In this battle of Big Ten powers, I generally go with Michigan because I’ve never liked Ohio State. But Ohio State is just too good.  Ohio State wins.

Our Lady vs. Trojan Men: Notre Dame would have been wiped out in The SEC, but they’re not in the SEC, so what does it matter? USC is banged up and I just don’t see how they can beat the Drunken Celtic Midgets. Notre Dame wins.

                  No comment

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

This Week's Picks

Big News: my other Alma Mater, Louisiana College, is in the NCAA Division Three playoffs! The mission of Louisiana College is “ to provide liberal arts, professional, and graduate programs characterized by devotion to the preeminence of the Lord Jesus, allegiance to the authority of the Holy Scriptures, dedication to academic excellence for the glory of God, and commitment to change the world for Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit. Also to stomp the pagans at Mary Hardin-Baylor, AMEN!” 

Dear old LC making the playoffs is the biggest thing to happen on campus since the girls at Cottingham Hall stood outside of the boy’s dorm  (Tudor Hall) and yelled “Jock Raid” in the spring of 1979.  For the record, I did not throw out any of my underwear because I was at the library studying. It was my friends Lee and Randy  that threw out the underwear that said Alan “I Feel Like Bustin’ Loose” Manis with my phone number.  History shows this was picked up by a girl named Sandy who was one of the hotter girls on campus. No, she never called.  

                Give me the bridge y'all!

Oh, Mary Hardin-Baylor is the number two ranked Division Three team in the country. Mary Hardin-Baylor wins.  Sorry, Wildcats.

This Week’s Picks!

Party North vs. Party South: Georgia plays Georgia Southern (where this correspondent’s son and money goes) to determine who can party the hardiest.  UGA has wrapped up the SEC East, but they need a big win against the Mighty Eagles to keep whatever hopes they have for a real big BCS bowl alive. Georgia Southern wants to beat the Dawgs real bad, but, it will just have to be at beer pong, guys.  UGA wins

Faculty Meeting at The University of Georgia

Unwrecked vs. Dook: I have spent a good part of the fall dumping on Georgia Tech. Looky here: Tech is playing for a share of the Coastal Division title in The Atlantic Coast Conference.  On top of that, Duke has a shot to win the Coastal Division. too. Do you think the Mayans were right?  I want Tech to win but I’m afraid to pick them due to The Manis Jinx. So for the first time in the 10 year history of This Week’s Picks: No call

Paul Johnson begging me not to pick Tech this week

Teers vs The Commode Doors: Poor Tennessee. It just won’t get any better. But we will always have pictures like this:

And this:

Vince never said there would be years like these. Vanderbilt wins.

Trees vs. Quackers: Did you know Walt Disney gave a handshake agreement to the then President of the University of Oregon that allows them the use Donald Duck on their logo?  How can Stanford compete with that? Ducks win.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

This Week's Picks

As you may have noticed, This Week’s Picks always includes a Division Three Game of The Week because there is a gold mine of colleges out there that have a football program for no apparent reason.

The players for these teams receive no athletic scholarships and are considered by the college to be students, of all things.  All of the bells and whistles that the BCS schools have are no where to be found. It takes commitment to play for these schools because you are just another college student to them-not the demi-gods that stroll the major universities.

This Saturday may be the last organized football game our old buddy Cole Rudder will play. I say “may be” because his school, Birmingham-Southern College, could possibly go to the Division Three playoffs if they defeat Millsaps College.  Cole has played organized football since 2002 and was one of the great Kennesaw State Mustangs, along with the greatest 5th string wing back ever, BEN MANIS #38.

Cole had a good career at Birmingham-Southern. He was injured last year and missed most of his junior season, but he was able to come back for his senior year. 

So, here’s to you Cole Rudder: Congratulations! 

This Week’s Picks!

Big Dawgs vs. Tiger Eagles of War:  UGA got a scare last week with Ole Mess, but came back to win easily. That won’t happen this week because Auburn is just counting the days before they fire Chizik and hire Lil’ Nicky (Bobby Petrino).  You can tell Coach Mark Richt is taking this game seriously, because he is spending time diagramming his swing set injury from years ago. Georgia wins.

 The Future Head Coach of The Auburn Tigers

Wrecked vs. Heels of Tar:  As it was pointed out to me last week by reader Ron “Tiny” Bond: I picked Maryland to defeat Tech even though they were starting their fifth string quarterback, who is either linebacker or cheerleader. I have just lost all confidence in Tech. North Carolina  wins.

Ags vs. Bam: The only thing worse with Alabama being the number one team in College Football is the simple fact that they are the number one team in College Football. Texas A & M is a good team, and their quarterback is good, but Bama is just better. Bama wins

This is the kid that gives Nick Saban nightmares

Messy State vs. Ellessyou:  LSU almost pulled off beating Bama last week, which means they are a very good team. Mississippi State got a can of whup-up opened on them last week. LSU wins.

Purple Wildcats vs. Aroused Lizards: Kansas State looks like it will be winner in the sweepstakes to play Bama in January. Untill then, they better enjoy their games like this one. KSU wins.

Georgia Southern vs. Howard: The Eagles lost a close one to Ap State last week, despite a week of great Tweets on Twitter. It is homecoming in Stateboro, which means the alumni will be coming back grateful that they no longer have to go to the Statesboro Wal-Mart.  Georgia Southern wins.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Wishes & Buts

I’m glad I fought—I only wish we’d won” Bob Dylan

There’s a lot you could say about the result of our recent Presidential election, but none of them are Sunday School friendly.  The nicest is that it was one long big disappointment.  We must concede, however, there is one thing Barack Obama does well:  run for office.

I was cautiously optimistic.  The Obama record, at best, is lack luster. His slogan this time around was “Forward”. That’s the theme of the Alpha lemming.  I thought he had been exposed as an overrated speaker and egotistical college professor. I guess I was wrong.

Now for another cup of whine.  You cannot escape the fact that the national referees, the news media, are basically Democrats and for some reason think Obama hung the moon. You know when I knew Romney lost the election? The moment Candy Crowley inserted herself in the Second Debate to give Obama cover on his Benghazi reason de jour. 

Speaking of Romney, you have to give him credit that he ran a credible campaign and with a little luck here and there, could have been the President-elect this morning, instead of another footnote in history like Alf Landon. His performance in the 1st debate put the President on notice that this election would have to be earned, probably the first time the President had to actual earn something in his adult political life. His selection of Paul Ryan as his running mate was a gutsy move and a gigantic upgrade from Sarah Palin.

However, Romney’s greatest asset, his business experience, turned into his biggest liability.  After the 1st debate, he took his foot off the pedal. In the 3rd debate, he coasted when he should have ripped Obama a new one on Libya.  People in the business world are naturally cautious. With a board buster like Obama, this turned out to be fatal.

Obama ran a mean, vicious campaign. At one time or another, his surrogates accused Romney of: being a felon; being at “war” with women; being the reason why a woman died of cancer. This is hope? This is change? This is forward? Obama did not run a "Morning in America" campaign. He ran "There's a MORMON in America" campaign. Maybe if the GOP had spent the summer answering every charge and showing how stupid the accusations were, maybe we would have had a different outcome.

There is some good news. Since 1916, the second term for the re-elected President has always been problematic. There is no reason to expect Obama will miss the second term slump mainly because nobody has any idea what his second term is going to be about except more narcissism, which he has in abundant supply.  Obama will be a lame duck and after 2014, he will be lame duckier.

Still, that is of little consolation on the morning after such a puzzling election night. I wish Romney had won, but he did not. As Don Meredith used to say, “If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, everyday would be Christmas.”

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

This Week's Picks

By the time next week’s This Week’s Picks is posted we’ll either have a new President- Elect (Willard Mittimon Romney Esq.IV) or we’ll still have President Forward (Look, I called it a terrorist act in the month of September. Geez, what do you want? I killed Bin Laden.)  It looks like, at the moment, presently, at press time, right now, that either Romney or Obama will win the election. But, you never know. Ross Perot could still come out of nowhere and win. All I know, is that whoever wins, Americans will join together and work for the betterment of our country there will be a lot of Americans mad.

This Week’s Picks!

Big Bad Dawgs vs. Old Mess: As many have commented, the Manis Jinx (where I pick a team to win and they lose—by the way, this happened to Wisconsin-Whitewater last week) caused Florida to lose to Georgia.  According to this theory, I was part of a diabolical metaphysical plot to pick Florida to win, thus infecting them with the Manis Jinx and causing them to lose. It doesn’t explain all those other years I picked UGA to win and they lost, but it is an interesting theory.  In any event, The Ole Miss Used To Be Rebels will be coming to Athens. They wish there was a jinx. Georgia Wins.

                                        I wasn't the only one that missed it.

Wrecked vs. Turtles: Georgia Tech travels to Maryland because frankly it has nothing better to do this weekend. Lord, what a stinky year for the Bees.  The AD just quit to take a job at Clemson. Maryland, on the other hand, has some of the worst looking uniforms on the planet. But, as the kid said, I like turtles. Maryland wins.

Turkeys vs. The U: At one time, this would have been a very important game.  Virginia Tech is having an off year. Miami wins.

Ags vs. Other Bulldogs: Last week, Mississippi State walked into the buzz saw that is Alabama and found out that they’re not quite at the upper eulachon yet.  Texas A&M has a big hoop de do quarterback, Johnny Angel/Football who totally destroyed Auburn (like that was a big deal).  It is going to be interesting to see how the Upright Walking Maroon Dogs handle The Aggies. It will be close. Mississippi State isn’t Auburn, but Texas A&M isn’t Troy either. Texas A&M wins.

                       Why does he wear a shirt and pants, but no shoes?

Bamy vs. Ellesyou: As much as I hate to say this, Bama is just on another level this year. I’m not sure anyone on this planet can beat them. Bama wins.

                              Why? Why? Why would anyone do this?

Georgia Southern vs. Appalachian State:  This is the game of the year for Georgia Southern because Appalachian State is their numero uno rival. A treat in this year's contest will be when all of the students stand as one at halftime and sing the Georgia Southern Alma Mater (“B-double e-double r-u-n Beer Run! B-double e-double r-u-n Beer Run. All we need is a ten and a five-er. A car, a key, and a sober driver”). The Eagles are Number One in the FCS standings. They’ll win. Georgia Southern wins.

                       The President of Appalachian State University

The Division Three Game of The Week:  Wheaton vs. North Central College:  I’m including this game only because the newly named President of North Central College sat in a couple of Sunday School lessons I taught a long,long time ago and didn’t make fun of me despite the fact that his brain is way bigger than mine. Congratulations Dr. Hammonds!  North Central wins.