Friday, August 21, 2015

The Inez Principle

The one thing I have learned in the initial stages of the 2016 Race for The White House:  I have no idea what is going on.  "Something is happening here but you don't know what it is, do you Mr. Jones?"  I'll say.

For example, take Jeb Bush. Please.

I have nothing against Jeb Bush and was prepared to invoke The Inez Principle if he became the nominee.

I have named a deep political maxim after my mother, Inez. Back in 1972, I asked who she was going to vote for: George McGovern or President Nixon.

Just to recap some history. George McGovern, even though he was a brave fighter pilot in World War II (The Big One), was as crazy as a betsy bug.  He was for ending The Vietnam War, giving people money for just being around, drugs, and that old long hair that the kids wore back then.

President Nixon was known as "Tricky Dicky" because the man could find a loophole in a stop sign. Honesty wasn't his best policy, if you catch my drift.

Inez answered me, "I'm going to hold my nose and vote for Nixon".

Most of the time, you have to hold your nose. No candidate is perfect and they all have problems.

Back to Jeb. To me, Jeb is the brother that should have been President. But, he lost the Florida gubernatorial election in 1994 and lost his place in line. He seems more thoughtful that W and he's definitely more articulate than the old man. On top of that, my wife's boss sat next to him at a dinner. (Full disclosure: my wife's boss also had Mike Huckabee help her with her luggage.)

But you know, there's no law that says the nominee has to be a Bush. There are plenty other people that could do the job and Lord knows the Republicans have a bunch of people who think they could do the job.

One of the others is Donald Trump, just in case you haven't heard.

I wrote a few weeks ago that I didn't think Trump can be elected President, mainly because the Constitution says you have to be a human being to be President and not a gorilla.

Last time out, Republicans nominated Mitt Romney. Whatever you think about Mitt Romney, you cannot deny he seems like a nice guy and would make a great Baptist deacon if he wasn't a Mormon.

However, the market (i.e. the majority of voters in the last election) told you that they think of Republicans as a bunch of misogynistic possibly racist angry rich white men. So, this time around The GOP field features a woman (the impressive Carly Fiorina), an African-American brain surgeon (Ben Carson) and the son of a Cuban bartender (Marco Rubio).

But who gets the attention?  The misogynistic possibly racist angry rich white man: Donald Trump.

The appeal of Trump totally eludes me.

I thought he was horrible in the debates. His post debate tantrum about Megyn Kelly showed he hasn't the temperament to be President. I can't imagine what Inez would have said about it.  It was tacky. He should be ashamed of himself but I'm not sure he has that capability.

But what happened? He went up in the polls. Fox News, which showed all of the other news outlets how to run a debate, has been Trump News for the past couple of weeks. Trump sure gets a lot of free airtime for someone that is so rich.

I keep hearing "Trump tells it like it is". No, he's telling you what you want to hear, if you can understand it between the grunts. I mean, "We're going to build a wall and Mexico will pay for it". I'm not against the wall, but you don't have to have an MBA to know that it is not in Mexico's interest to A) build a wall and B) to pay for a wall that it is not in their interest to build.

I have no idea who I would vote for between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. I'm not sure who Inez would vote for between those two either.

Hillary Clinton is an amoral snake that can't tell a frickin' joke. (Hillary Clinton telling a joke: "Why (long pause) did (long pause) the chicken (and by the way, I have a fifty point position paper on humane treatment of chickens) cross the road? What difference does it make?".)

Honestly, is this the best we can come up with?

Friday, August 14, 2015

The Naked City

Vacation 2015 is over and guess where we went: New York City.

For the past three vacations, we've gone to New York City, which is a city so nice they named it twice. It takes two or three times to go to New York to really appreciate it.

This was a significant vacation because we ran into so many famous people.

For example, at the Atlanta airport we walked past Al Sharpton. I'm not quite sure what Al Sharpton does or even why he is important. But, he is on TV a lot and that's what counts.

We landed at LaGuardia and found a taxi which proceeded to drive 500 mph to our hotel which was on West 40th Street. The important thing to remember about  West 40th Street is that the Port Authority Bus Terminal is at the corner 8th Avenue and 40th Street.  If you want to know where they got the idea for all of the creatures in The Star Wars cantina scene, just go the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

So while the hotel was very nice, you had to navigate going past the Bus Terminal which had every weirdo ever created on God's green earth coming out of it, if you wanted go to Times Square.

We saw another important person at Time Square: The Naked Cowboy. The Naked Cowboy is a franchise of guys who wear whitey-tighty underwear, boots, a cowboy hat and a guitar. That is all.

The Naked Cowboy sings songs about being: A) a cowboy and B) being naked. He makes his money by posing for pictures with female tourists. It is Capitalism at its best.  There was a market for women having their pictures taken with a man wearing whitey-tighty underwear and boots and The Naked Cowboy meets that need.

However, The Naked Cowboy is overdressed when compared to The Painted Breast Girls of Times Square.

We met our old pal, Stephanie Harkins on Times Square who informed us in very clinical terms (Stephanie is a nurse) about the girls who walk around Times Square with "painted boobies".

Actually, Stephanie said they wore pasties around the most interesting part (my term-not Stephanie's), but still, you don't expect to see someone walking around like that even around The Port Authority Bus Terminal.

We did see The Painted Breast Girls of Times Square. Them ain't pasties, y'all.

I know because I was able to make a couple of scientific observations before I ran into a light pole.

You know who else we saw? K.C. and The Sunshine Band.  K.C.'s contribution to music is mainly encouraging us to shake, shake, shake our booties. He also had us do a little dance, make a little love and  get down. In the 70's, all we did was shake our booties, dance, make love and get down. It was before the smart phone.

K.C. still tours and he sort of/kind of dances around the stage if your definition of "dance" is elastic. His main move is to do a figure eight around his backup singers.

We also saw Judge Andrew Napolitano who despite a brilliant legal career, is now mainly known for his hair going from gray to jet black overnight. I think he's figured out which box of Just For Men to use because his hair looks a little more natural.

Before Just For Men

After Just For Men

My wife and I were walking in 30 Rockefeller Center when she grabbed me by the arm and said, "Don't turn around!".  Ladies, a little bit of marriage advice: Never tell your husband "not to turn around". It is like telling him, "Don't stare at those girls who have painted breasts". Of course, I turned and around and saw Lester Holt. Here is my report on Lester Holt:  Lester Holt is about  7' 8" and might weigh 100 pounds.

We were at 30 Rock to watch a taping of "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon".

I have always had mixed feeling about "The Tonight Show" since Johnny Carson retired. I enjoy it but it is still not the same. I was a little bit wary of when Jimmy Fallon was named the host because Jimmy Fallon cannot do a monologue.

But, he's come along and it is a fairly enjoyable show. Luke Bryan was the singing guest. He's a graduate of Georgia Southern University and sings sexy country songs. The song he sang, "Strip It Down" had lyrics like "Throw you bra in the air, like you don't care" and it made all of the women swoon. [Note: that is not an actual lyric. But it should be.]

Life is not a permanent vacation. We had to come home and on the tarmac we saw our last celebrity: Donald Trump's plane.  It is a huge, classy plane, probably better than all of the other planes at the airport, if you want to know the truth about it.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Giving A Hoot About College Football

In case you didn't know, our favorite professional sport, College Football, is ready to start.

The mighty, mighty, mighty Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets which beat not One but TWO different SEC Bulldog teams, will open the 2015 campaign by playing Alcorn State, which is a college in the state of Alcorn, on September 3rd. The effervescent coach of  Georgia Tech, Paul Johnson, promises another year of looking like he wants to ask you about your whole life policy.

Like a good neighbor, Paul Johnson is there

I kid, I kid.  It was a sad day in my house last November when Tech beat Georgia on a last second field goal which caused one of my millennial friends to tweet, "I hope he (the kicker) gets (sex) tonight".  I always hate it when Tech beats Georgia. It is like they become physically and morally superior to you on top of being smarter. That's a bad combination.

To be honest with you, I had some really big plans for this College Football season because this is the first year of the Kennesaw State Owls football program. Pardon me while I hoot.

Still Undefeated

I had this grand scheme. I was going to contact the Sports Information Director at Kennesaw State and see if I could get a press pass to the first home game. I was going to use this angle: 1) I am an alumni that has generously given tens of dollars to the University and 2) I am a famous blogger (which I'm not, but almost a thousand people have read my blog on The Eagles documentary and that ain't chicken feed.)

Then I was approached about publishing some books. Well, I had to finish writing a book that I started in 2003. Hey, if Harper Lee can take her time on a book, I can too. Additionally, I started writing another book.  I think my son got married somewhere in there. In any event, I looked up and it was way too late to contact anyone about a press pass.

I looked into buying season tickets but something bad happened.

Our air conditioner died on us in July. The one rule about air conditioners at Manis Manor is that they will break in July. Right on schedule, it broke, and it couldn't be fixed. Fortunately, I still had a kidney or two I could sell on the black market and we were able to buy a new air conditioner.  It is worth every kidney.

So, unless the Lord stirs the heart of MY FRIENDS TO GIVE ME A TICKET TO THE HISTORIC FIRST KSU GAME, it looks like I won't be there to sing our fight song, whatever it is, as The Owls take the field for the first time against Edward Waters, who I assume is bringing a team with him.

Meanwhile, back in Big Time College Football, did you see who Nick Saban, the head coach of  Alabama, admit who he would commit adultery with?  Hillary Clinton.

First of all, I cannot imagine Nick Saban having a Non-Football related thought. I'm not sure he does non-football related things although I did see a YouTube clip of him doing The Electric Slide.

Secondly, no matter what your political persuasion, Hillary Clinton has long left the "doable" category that we guys keep in the smutty Rolodex of our brains.

I confess to being one of those Republicans who sees Clinton as a combination She-Wolf and She-Devil. But, in the interest of bipartisanship, 1993 Hillary wasn't that bad. She washed her hair back then and was sort of built in a Midwestern kind of way. But now, I can't think of anyone who'd say "Hillary Clinton: Yeah, I'd hit that".  I know Bill hasn't said that in decades.

 Not Too Shabby

Saban's reasoning was not that he finds Hillary Clinton attractive. She doesn't block well, she is slow as Christmas, she can't throw and really isn't that much a team player. His reason: You don't want to sleep with someone who has less to lose than you do. Therefore, the only woman he can think of that has more to lose than he does is Hillary Clinton.

For argument's sake, let's say Nick and Hillary hook up. It would really damage Nick Saban's reputation, mainly because she wasn't a 5 star recruit. However, it would do wonders for Hillary Clinton. Clinton being Saban's gal pal would  probably enable her to carry the state of Alabama in 2016.

"The Coach & HRC" sounds like a title of a book I could write. At this rate, I'll never go to a Kennesaw State game.