President Trump's Gettysburg Address

The Gettysburg Address if given by Donald Trump

Fourscore and seven years ago which I think is 87 years, give or take a couple of years, our fathers who all had terrible hair and people criticize my hair which is fabulous, brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that "all men are created equal." That may/may not be true, because there are lot of people I am better than.


Now we are engaged in a great civil war (that's what all of the "boom-booms" have been out), testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. I think it can. I mean, really, have you seen some of those hicks down south? We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of it, as a final resting place for those who died here, that the nation might live. But, I don't know about you, but I personally like soldiers that manage not to die.This we may, in all propriety do. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow, this ground without adding the word "Trump". It will really class up the joint, you know? The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have hallowed it, but let's be real, having me involved in it, will really hallow it. The world will note, and long remember what I say here because frankly, I am a big deal


It is rather for us the living, to be dedicated to making America great again and therefore do something about illegal immigration. I am going to build a wall at the Mason and Dixon line and make Johnny Reb pay for it. We honor these dead losers we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of Trump, by Trump, for Trump shall not perish from Trump (what we used to call the Earth).

( I wrote this back in 2016 when Trump first ran for President and it was published on Alanmanis.com which I haven't used in years. )

First Draft

 

 

The following is the first draft of President Biden’s Prime Time Address to the nation on March 11, 2021

Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight, I'd like to talk to you about where we are as we mark one year since everything stopped because of this pandemic. A year ago, we were hit with a virus that was met with silence and spread unchecked. We had denials for days, weeks, and months. I’m not sure who was denying it since the Big Bad Orange Man set up a Task Force in January and held a daily news briefings that interrupted my daily viewing of “Wheel Of Fortune".  But anyway, that’s what the kids tell me to say.

 

But first, I am compelled to comment on a situation that's facing one of our great, great, country’s largest, well, if it’s not the largest, it is close to it state: New York.  

Recent allegations have arisen about the governor’s reckless behavior. No, it was not sending elderly Covid patients to nursing homes that infected other elderly patients causing catastrophic deaths.  I’m mean, that isn’t nice and all that.  Instead, I’m referring to unwanted sexual advances that included touching, innuendos, double entendres, shoulder-rubbing, commenting about how “blessed” the women are in the top area, booty ogling, saying "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me," grading all women on a scale of one to ten, and hair sniffing.

These actions are unacceptable from any elected leader unless they are from Arkansas. 

 

Therefore, I am asking Governor Pepe Le Pew of New York to resign.

Okay, back to Covid.

 
After the lockdown, people were ordered to stay home. I know I did.  I didn’t get out of my basement for a couple of months. Photos and videos from 2019 feel like they were taken the year before. The last vacation. The last birthday with friends, The last holiday with extended family. The last time we went to Chili's. The last time you walked into Kroger's naked faced.

While it was different for everyone, we all lost something except me, of course. I mean, I got this job. How many 77-year-old men do you know that got a job in the pandemic?  Do you know who really lost something?  Big Bad Orange Man.  I mean, the most powerful man on earth calling Clem Kadiddlehopper in Hay Seed, Georgia, looking for votes.  Man, it was so sweet.

I know it's been hard. I truly know. I really, really, really, really know.  Really.  As I've told you before, I carry a card in my pocket that says, “My name is Joe Biden. Take me to my home at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC. Call Dr. Jill Biden 867-5309."

Look, we know what we need to do to beat this virus.  1) Shut up. 2) Follow the scientists and the science with total unquestioning acceptance. 3) Put trust and faith in our government because we know what’s best for you. We went to these hoop-de-do schools, and you didn’t. 4) Wear your (insert bad word of choice) mask. It's not like a lot of you were anything to look at anyway.

Last summer, I was in Philadelphia, and I met a small business owner, a woman. I asked her, "what do you need most?" I will never forget what she said to me. She said, looking me in the eye, and said, "I want $1400.00. Please give my husband $1400.00, too."

As you may have heard, people worldwide are getting shots of the vaccine we conceived in our administration.  On the morning after the swearing-in, I looked at my Vice President and said, “You know, I think we need a vaccine to combat this virus. You’d think Jelly Belly would have thought of that.”

We have partnered with Big Pharma, which is generally bad unless they are doing cool stuff like this and contributing money to Democrats. Our goal is to vaccinate every adult by May 1st so the chip that we are implanting can affect their DNA and make it easier for the Anti-Christ to contact them. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to say that part.

And we've been creating more places to get the shots. We've made it possible for you to get a vaccine at any one of 10,000 pharmacies across the country, just like you get your flu shot, birth control pills, cough drops, Reece’s cups, pens, notebooks, fish oil pills, and Life Savers.  I like butterscotch.

By the Fourth of July, we may, possibly, could be ready to hold small gatherings at your home if everybody is vaccinated, you have plenty of hand sanitizer, stay socially distanced, and we all wear, at least, three masks. Then,  we’ll have to run it by Dr. Fauci first, though, to see what he thinks.

And, for the love of all that is good and holy, Pepe Le Pew, put that cat down!

 

 

Good To Go

 It was just a coincidence that I got my second dose of the Pfizer vaccine almost an exact year after everything went to H-E-Double hockey sticks in a hand basketball.

  
It was interesting that almost nobody says “shot” when describing the vaccine.  The Powers That Be all seem to refer to it as a “jab.” 

I guess that makes it sound not as bad. Surely you can take a “jab.” (I can and don’t call me, Shirley.)

The administrators of my “jab” were cautious for what it is worth, and it didn’t hurt at all.  I didn’t have any real side effects from the vaccine.  My arm was sore, more the second time than the first. I felt some fatigue after the second dose.  Other than that, I was good to go.

I think that should be the theme of the rest of the year:  Good To Go.

Everything, good and bad, has an ending. We are just about there with this pandemic.

Oh sure, I’ll wear a mask. Whatever. Anything to keep people’s mouths shut. But I’ll be going through the motions, just like the people who only attend church on Christmas and Easter.

Confession:  when I wash my hands, I only sing “Happy Birthday” once through. Sorry, I’ll do better in the next pandemic.

As The Grateful Dead would say, what a long, strange trip it’s been.  It seemed like yesterday when we heard about Tom Hanks and his wife getting COVID.  If Forrest Gump could get “The Corona,” anybody could.

Then came President Trump’s speech and the cancellation of The NBA season. Everybody was ordered to stay at home unless you were an “essential” worker.  Americans sensed this was a national crisis, and we had to respond.

And we did. We bought every single roll of toilet paper in the store. 

To get our mind of the virus, we also watched a Nextflix show called “Tiger King.” We heard the Tiger King was in jail, and he had Covid too! Then it turned out he didn’t

Because of the virus, the economy went into a depression. It wasn’t a “Buddy, can you spare a dime” depression.  It was a “Buddy, can you recommend something on Netflix other than Tiger King” type of depression.  The government responded by printing money and sending it to everybody. What bad could come from that?

As a history major from a college located off of Interstate 75, how do I think history will remember Trump’s response to the Pandemic?

Well, let’s first admit that if Trump has a skill, it would be building a hospital instead of administrating one.  It is not in his wheelhouse to talk about medical stuff. If only he had a surgeon who separated conjoined twins in his cabinet to explain the medical jargon to the American people.

Instead, you had Trump come out and give his word salad, followed by Dr. Fauci.  People fell in love with Dr. Fauci, almost too much, because he wasn’t Trump.

When it first started, Fauci patiently explained that we didn’t want to overwhelm the hospitals with Covid patients.  We needed to “flatten the curve.”

Slowly, we went from flattening the curve to nobody ever gets sick.

Every attempt to get back to some normalcy was greeted with hysteria about some governor (pick a southern one) was going to have body bags in the street. At the same time, the whole country should follow the lead of Governor Cuomo of New York.

COVID-19 was an oddly political virus.  Gatherings like Thanksgiving, Christmas, football games, and anything a conservative might attend was pronounced “super spreaders.” Protests about social justice were not.

After it was announced that Joe Biden, after a hundred years of trying to become President, had actually won the Presidency despite not really campaigning, people gathered outside of The White House, some without masks, and drank from the same bottle of champagne.  They put their mouths on it and everything which would be nasty without a pandemic.

Our gallant news media sound nary a word.  But Aunt Mildred’s choir practice was a killer.

But all of that is behind us now. We have the vaccine.  The double doses slows the pace, and the demand was greater than the supply. But with the Johnson and Johnson vaccine, which requires just one jab, the number of Americans vaccinated should explode.

Which is good. We need to get back to normal. Normal is going to concerts and ball games.  Normal is going to church and Christmas dinner.

It is normal to fight traffic to go to a crowded beach.  It is normal to go on a cruise. It is normal to go to school.

Let’s get ready because it is almost time to go.