It is that time of year again! Christmas time! Okay, sing with me that great Christmas song from the classic cartoon "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (original working title: "Give It A Rest, Charlie Brown"): "Christmas time is here, let's go get a beer, something, something, something, something, favorite time of year"
Speaking of singing, since I am a man of the people, I've asked the people, via Facebook, to post their least favorite Christmas song. I was assisted in this effort by The Fabulous Jackie Prescott Collier of Kennesaw Mountain High School. The reason I took this survery is I wanted to discover the worst Christmas song of all time.
(Note: I do not include any Christmas "Carols" on the list. I like all of the traditional Christmas Carols, although some of them we could have probably lived without like Bob Dylan's version of "Hark! The Hearld Angels Sing" ("Hurk, de harold ANGELS sang") and Tammy Wynette's "Away In The Manger" ("Ah-weigh in duh mayjer").
Based on the results gathered by Mrs. Collier and myself, I would say Mariah Carey might want tp check into some online universities to spruce up her resume. One person said they did not like "anything Mariah Carey spews".
There were equally harsh comments about a group called "Pentatonix". I am not familar with this group and honestly thought that it was a new prescription drug to combat psoriasis. ( "Do not take Pentatonix if you have breathed air and drank water; do not leave your children alone in the room with Pentatonix. Side effects of Pentatonix include infertility, flatulence , and spontaneous combustion"). The Fabulous Jackie Prescott Collier says, and I quote, "Pentatonix has ruined every Christmas song they have sung".
An early front runner for The Worst Christmas Song title is Baby, It's Cold Outside". This is one of those songs (along with "Winter Wonderland" and "Let It Snow") which doesn't even mention Christmas and seems to be more concerned with other non-Christmas related activities, if you catch my drift.
Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time" is on The Worst Christmas Song list simply because we know he can do better. The first part of the song sounds like two robots making out.
Wham's "Last Christmas" is an unpopular song because it makes you puke. "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away". This happened a lot in the '80's.
Who can forget the holiday cheer spread by the song "Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas"? Sample lyrics: "Please daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas, I don't want to see my momma cry". There's nothing like a song about a dysfunctional family to get you into the Christmas spirit.
"Jingle Bell Rock" and "Rocking Around The Christmas Tree" were disqualified from The Worst Christmas list because they are, technically, the same song.
"Mary, Did You Know?" made it into the Top Ten Worst Christmas songs list because apparently there is a law that it must be sung in every Southern Baptist church in the state of Georgia.
For a while, it looked like "Christmas Shoes" was going to be the winner. If you never heard of "Christmas Shoes", it is about a boy who wants to buy his dying mother a pair of shoes for Christmas so when she dies, she'll have a new pair of shoes to meet Jesus. Lucky Yates of the FX show "Archer" says it is really about a gypsy kid running a scam to get a bunch of free shoes to sell at a flea market.
Even though there were a lot of candidates, I was able to determine the worst Christmas song of all time. However, I must present to you, the second worst Christmas song of all time: "I'm An Elf" by Dan Crow. Watch this video if you dare!
This song is so bad nobody sings it at Christmas. In fact, it sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks.
However, the winner of THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME (drum roll, please, little drummer boy) is "Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey" by Lou Monte.
I would like to thank my old pal William Joe Wade, III of Bangkok, Thailand for alerting me to this song. This song was released in 1961 when I was two years old. I had never heard of it until two weeks ago. Thanks a lot William Joe Wade, III.
Where to begin. Let's start with the first line. "Hey, Chingedy ching, hee haw, hee haw". I know what the "hee haw" means, but what is "Chingedy ching"?
Then we discover Dominick is not just any old donkey. He is an "Italian Christmas donkey" who is another helper of Santa. How many helpers does this fat guy need?
Apparently, the reindeer "cannot climb the hills of Italy" (or as Lou pronounces it, "EAT-AL-LEE"). The reindeer can fly all around the world in twenty four hours, land on houses without making a sound, etc, but they can't climb the hills of Italy. I would make some pejorative remark that maybe the reason reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy is that Dominick has exclusive rights on Italy, if you catch my drift. Maybe Luca Brasi presented Santa with an offer the jolly old elf couldn't refuse, capche?
Here is the song in all of its glory.
It makes want to listen to the dogs barking "Jingle Bells". Which is below.