Thursday, September 21, 2017

This Week's Picks!

A little of bit of news from Picks Central.

First of all, This Week's Picks will be taking a brief hiatus from this award winning blog. When I say brief, I mean, a couple of weeks. Do not reach for the Xanax.

I will be out of town next week, but I will do a truncated This Week's Picks on my Facebook page. That just happens to be the weekend of the UGA-Tennessee  game, which is always one of my favorite games of the year.

I plan to do a blog about my trip in the first week of October. So, that means another TWP on my Facebook page.

The second week of October is up in the air.  My high school class reunion is that week and I  have to prepare some remarks to entertain my fellow Wheeler alumni.  Here's what I have so far.

"Cafeteria food. Yuck. Am I right?"

"Things were better back then. Not like now. Yuck".

"What's up with the Dewey Decimal System?"

"These kids today with their Hip and Hoppin music."

"My daddy taught me to believe in two things: The First Amendment and boobs".

So, you can see I some more work to do. I might be able to post TWP  here, but it might have to go on Facebook.   In any event, I ask for your patience and just realize I can jinx a team just as well on Facebook as I can here.

This Week's Picks!

Dawgs vs Other Dawgs:  Remember the misty water colored memories of last month when you hadn't given two seconds of a thought to the Georgia-Mississippi State game?  Good times.  I guess when I saw this game on the schedule, I just figured UGA would win . Now, after seeing what State did to LSU, I'm not so sure. They are more settled at quarterback than Georgia and plus their coach is probably the second best coach in the conference. I know that might not be saying much, but it is true.   On top of everything else, I know a ton of  MSU alumni. Lucky me.   Mississippi State wins

Bees vs Kitty Cats from Pittsburgh:  It has been a while since we have seen the smiling face of Paul Johnson roaming the sidelines, looking for some 18 year old freshman to blame for a loss. Pitt just isn't a very good team. Tech should win this game. They will.  Tech wins.

Bama vs Commode Doors: Another game, another Tweet by a Alabama fan complaining about the performance of the guys that squirt the Gatorade into the players mouth. "How n the hale can we win nuther NAT'L CSHIP W/OUT PROPER HYDRATION! LAME".  Vanderbilt's coach Derek Mason is doing the Lord's work in the devil's vineyard, but it's not enough.  Bama wins.

I know this isn't about football, but it is a great redneck meme

Wartigers vs Misery:  Here's a question for you.  Which state in the union has the most cows?  Mooooooosouri (Missouri).  Get it?   Missouri is having one of those years: bad.  Auburn should be better than they are, but they seem like they are stuck in second gear.  Auburn should be able to easily handle Missouri. Hey, it's not like they are Mercer or something. Auburn wins 

It is Five O'Clock Somewhere vs Who's Your Momma:  Did you know that the famous blues singer Blind Willie McTell was from Statesboro, the home of Georgia Southern University. McTell wrote the song Statesboro Blues, which oddly enough is about Georgia Southern's season this year.  The Eagles have only played two games, but they haven't looked good at all. The coach seems a  little out of it, also. In any event, this is a money game. A couple of years ago, Georgia Southern could have possibly beat Indiana. They won't this year.   Indiana wins.

Nobody could sing the blues like Blind Willie McTell

Thursday, September 14, 2017

This Week's Picks

This week started out pretty rough. Hurricane Irma hit Florida and left it in a mell of a hess as we Baptists say.  It was so bad that Georgia Tech canceled their game with the University of Central Florida. When was the last time you ever heard of a football game being canceled?

Irma was a "tropical storm" when it hit the Atlanta area. It caused a lot of trees to fall. This means power lines were knocked out. This means homes were left without electricity.

Everywhere except where I live in Cobb County.  The wind blew and it rained but nobody lost trees in my neighborhood. My power stayed on during the entire storm. While all of Atlanta was sitting in the dark, I was at Lowe's picking out tile for my wife's bathroom.


Funny, every time I hear about a hurricane, I think about Jimmy Buffett's "Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season".

           Squalls out on the gulf stream, big storm coming soon
           I passed out in my hammock
          God, I slept till way past noon.

           I stood up and tried to focus, I knew I wouldn't have to look far
           I knew I could use a Bloody Mary,
           So I stumbled next door to the bar. 

There's a lot of people in Texas and Florida trying to reason with Hurricane season. We need to remember them with our prayers and financial support.  Sermon's over.

This Week's Picks!

Big Bad Bulldogs vs Baptist Bulldogs: Just in case you didn't hear, UGA went up to South Bend and beat (by one point)  mighty highfalutin Notre Freakin' Dame.  Anytime anyone beats the Passive-Aggressive Irish (they no longer "fight" since they had an intervention), it is a time of great rejoicing. Particularly this time, when Jawja didn't seem to melt underneath the big lights. They are hosting Samford, which beat my beloved Owls in the longest game ever in the history of college football (technically, it is still being played.)   UGA is just too big.  Georgia wins.


Rocky Topped vs Reptiles:  To me, the Tennessee-Florida game really begins the football season. Tennessee somehow beat Georgia Tech while Florida looked bad in the ONE GAME WE WANTED THEM TO LOOK GOOD IN.  I guess Florida is the "better" team. But I'm not sure. I'm going out on a limb and picking Tennessee, but you know, whatever.  Tennessee wins.

Rock Rubbing Tigers vs Lousyville:  Another Confession-I've never really cared for Clemson that much.  I don't get the Orange and Purple stuff. And rubbing the rock as you run down hill. What is that about?  (That is a rhetorical question-please don't answer it.)   However, I really want Clemson to win because Louisville is coached by the spawn of Satan (the real one), Bobby Petrino.  Do you realize Lousiville is Petrino's third coaching job since he left the Falcons ten years ago?  The Lord will answer my prayers and smite Bobby Petrino.   Clemson wins

Ellesyew vs Other Bulldogs:  Here's a story from the History of The State of Louisiana  textbook that all of the seventh graders study in Baton Rouge.  "Years ago, when Boudreaux was a college freshman, being fresh off the farm, and a rather healthy young man, he figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch dis," Boudreaux told him, and proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"  "Sure I can run," said Boudreaux. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" exclamed the excited coach. "But can you pass a football?" Boudreaux rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds.  "Coach," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."   LSU wins

My Beloved Owls vs The Hornets:  If you remember, a couple of weeks ago, an influential Kennesaw State backer, advised President Olens to revoke my diploma because I picked Samford to defeat Kennesaw State.  I am happy to report my diploma is still on the wall.   It will be safe for at least another week.  Kennesaw State wins.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

This Week's Picks!

It is not a coincidence that people have been looking forward to this college football season.

For one thing, have you gone to the movies lately?  No?  Well, you're not alone because this summer has been terrible for Hollywood, box office-wise.

There are several reasons for this. One, the movies suck. Two, the movies suck.  Three, the movies suck bad. Four, the movies based on comic books really suck.

This is how bad it is:  my wife and I went to see Despicable Me 3.  Okay, it is a cartoon, but at least it wasn't a sequel to a movie based on a Disney World ride or anything out of "The Marvel Universe".

We missed the matinee. We had to pay the full ticket price. Fortunately, there were loan officers available and we qualified for a Home Equity Line of credit so we could see the movie and get some popcorn.

Verdict:  Despicable Me 3 was okay. Too much Steve Carrell. Not enough Minions.

This Week's Picks!

Our Puppies vs Our Lady:  Generally, UGA doesn't play a marquee game until the last couple of weeks of September. But this time, uncharacteristically, The Dawgs are playing The Fighting Ethnic Stereotypes in South Bend.  Georgia's starting quarterback, Jacob Eason, got hurt in the App State game. Here's what Paul Finebaum says:  "That's a big blow," (Easton's injury). "His replacement, Jacob Fromm was playing high school football a year ago. He's very talented. But Eason won big games last year. He won two on the final possession. Trust me, I am bald headed and wear glasses"   Not to argue with Paul Finebaum, but Eason lost big games last year, too.  Eason was the tenth out of the twelve ranked quarterback last year in the SEC. Sure, you want someone with experience playing in a "big game" like this, but I'm not sure it would make a difference one way or another this year as long as Chubb and Michel are there. Dawgs win.

Wrecked vs Gaming Birds From The Mythical State of Jacksonville:  The Bees welcome Jacksonville State, which is neither in Jacksonville or is a state. You never know about JSU. They gave Auburn fits a couple of years ago. But I just don't see Tech losing this game, but then again, they had 535 rushing yard against Tennessee and still lost.  Tech wins

Georgia Tech Coach Paul Johnson, Tuesday Morning.

 War Eagletigers vs Orange Tigers: The Whatever they are called this week from Auburn travel to The 2016 NCAA Champions Clemson Tigers. Here's a joke for you: Q. What do the Auburn Tigers and Billy Graham have in common?  A: They both can make 75,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.   That's the kind of knee slapping humor you've come to expect from This Week's Picks.  Auburn whooped up on Georgia Southern last week.  Clemson killed Kent State (which is not a state, either).  I just think Clemson is a better than Auburn.  Clemson wins

Sooner or Later, You'll Leave Oklahoma vs Ahia State. I have never liked either one of these schools (Oklahoma or Ohio State). I'm not sure why. They never did anything to me. I've known alumni from both schools and they were very nice people. By the way, did you hear how the Buckeye fan died from drinking milk?  The cow fell on him. (Or maybe that was the Oklahoma fan?)  Anyway, Ohio State wins.

The Place Where I Send My Parents Plus Loans vs The New Hampshire is Same As The Old Hampshire:  Georgia Southern (School Song: "Yes, I Guess, They Ought To Name A Drink After You") welcome the New Hampshire Snowplows Wildcats to Paulson Stadium. I would love to see the face of The New Hampshire players as they drive up from the Savannah airport. "What ahre these wicked swarhamin' things around my face?" The famous South Georgia gnats are Georgia Southern's  secret weapon.  Georgia Southern wins

My Beloved Owls vs Hillbilly Tech:  Last week, my beloved alma mater played the opening game of the season at Samford.  It had a twelve-hour storm delay (give or take a couple of hours). I picked Samford to win because my liberal arts edumacation at Kennesaw State taught me to look objectively at issues and base my conclusions on facts.   I got this response on Facebook from Caric Martin, who was recently elected to The Owls Sports Hall of Fame and whose father taught my Economics class. (I made a B, yeah come on.)  Caric said, "Alan, this is President Olens when I told him that an alumni had picked Samford to win. I suggested he revoke your diploma!"   Thanks, Caric, I knew I could count on you.  Owls win.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

This Week's Picks!

It is that time of year again!  Time for our favorite professional sport, college football!

This marks the fifteenth year of "This Week's Picks".

It started on Wheeler Alumni. Com, which was a message board for the graduates of my alma mater, Wheeler High School.  I posted predictions on what I thought was the most interesting games and my fellow alumni would comment. Usually, their comments were along the lines of "You're stupid".

Due to something I never really understood, this message board went into hiatus for several years and I migrated  TWP (as it is known in the business) to Wheeler Alumni. Org another message board for the graduates of my high school. To my knowledge, it was the last Wheeler Alumni message board. There's not a Wheeler Alumni. Net or Wheeler Alumni. Gov.  Not yet, at least.

It was at.Org that I did my most ambitious TWP project.  I made predictions on all of the Bowl Games in 2007.  Do you know how many Bowl Games there were in 2007?  A lot and I got some of them right. Now I missed a lot, but I didn't care.  The reason I didn't care is I had what is clinically known as Heiney Surgery. You would be surprised how little you care about The Meineke Car Care Bowl when you have Heiney Surgery. (Wake Forest defeated Connecticut. I think I got that one right.)

TWP took another step forward when I added it to my blog (Humor Me) mainly because it counts as a weekly post.  In the first few years of my blog, TWP was one of my most commented on posts. Usually, again, it was "Your stupid"  (yes, I know, I misspelled "you're" but that's how we spell it nowadays)

Then, for some reason, I decided to move TWP to my Facebook page.  I received many comments to my Friday TWP Facebook post.  Mostly "U. R. Stoopid".

I finally brought it back to the blog where it belongs.

This Week's Picks!

Bullpuppies vs Crappy State: You could say Kirby Smart's first year as coach of UGA was a little bit disappointing, but give the guy credit: he guided the team back from a tough Nichols team!  The Dawgs start out with Appalachian State, who, if memory serves, stunned Michigan in the first game of the season in 2007.   Georgia better win. They will.  Georgia wins!

Bees vs Rocky Topped:  Coach Paul (Chuckles) Johnson leads The Wreck that Rambles into the new Please, Please Stay Falcons Stadium with a new quarterback and their best player being kicked off the team. This would be a problem if they were playing anybody else but Tennessee, who has not been exactly consistant over the past couple of years.   My rule of thumb: when the ACC plays the SEC, go with the SEC.  Tennessee wins!

Tide of Crimson vs Semi-noles  Remember those days when David Shula coached Bama and we were sure their glory days were behind them?  Good times.  Bama Coach Nick Satan has been planning for this game since  January 10th.  He has a process, you know.  Bama wins!

Wartigers vs The Blues of Statesboro:  Georgia Southern (motto: "I like beer. It makes me a jolly good fellow") travels to the loveliest village in the ugliest part of Alabama to pick up a pay check.  I wish The Eagles would make a game of it. They won't. Auburn wins.

Meechigan vs Lizards: Do you remember when people thought Jim Harbaugh was this real sharp guy? It's been a while. Anyway, Michigan plays Florida. Although I know many nice people that went to Florida, I dispise Florida, mainly because they always beat UGA. Michigan is a my favorite Big Ten team, even with Harbaugh.  I hate going with the Gators.  Florida wins!

 My Beloved Owls vs Baptist Bulldogs: Can you believe it is Kennesaw State's third football season? The Owls open their season against Samford, which supposedly houses a whole bunch of Baptists. Let us prey. Ha, Ha. See what I did there?   It would be a big deal if Kennesaw States wins. They won't.  Samford wins.

The Greatest Meme in the history of Memes

Tuesday, August 22, 2017


I think we can all agree that what happened in Charlottesville last week was a mess.

From the Neo-Nazis and J. Crew Ku Klux Klan kids to the Fascist Antifa to the Charlottesville Police being apparently at Dunkin Donuts to President Trump's attempt to calm the nation down by saying exactly the wrong words, it wasn't one of our brilliant, shining moments.

Could you imagine, Rev. Donald J. Trump, delivering a eulogy?

"Look, everybody knows the dearly departed drank way too much. His widow, look at her, she knows it. And he loved spending the family's rent money at the dog track.  Don't get me on his love for hookers. But, he was a great guy. Tremendous. Would do anything for you, if he was sober.  He leaves a wife, who isn't convincing anybody with those FAKE TEARS, a good for nothing son who needs a haircut, and a daughter who is really built." 

Apparently, all of this was started by marble. That's right, marble used for statues.

Charlottesville, which is home to The University of Virginia, decided to rename a park named after Confederate General Robert E. Lee and to remove his statue.  That brought out the Nazi Nuts (which used to open for The Dead Kennedys during the punk rock era) which brought out the Antifa (which stands for Anti-Fascists, and of course, their definition of fascism is very elastic).

In one of his many responses, President Trump noted that once you started tearing down statues of Robert E. Lee, people will soon go after George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.  To which, many said, "Thanks, we haven't thought about them!"

Of course, the Democratic Party, which should have the easiest job in the world (oppose whatever Trump supports) leaped into action. Forget about infrastructure!  Forget rising health insurance premiums. Forget North Korea!  We've got marble sculpted in the likeness of dead Southerners to get rid of!  Excelsior!

Last Thursday, our old pal Nancy Pelosi focused our attention on the hideous marble that lines Statutory Hall at the Capital.  Here's how The New York Times reported it with my comments parenthetically added.

“The Confederate statues in the halls of Congress have always been reprehensible", (If by "always" you mean you realized last week) Ms. Pelosi said, putting pressure on the House speaker, Paul D. Ryan of Wisconsin, to act.(Which he did by wetting his pants)“If Republicans are serious about rejecting white supremacy, I call upon Speaker Ryan to join Democrats to remove the Confederate statues from the Capitol immediately.” (Which were put in by Democrats in the first place, but don't even think about that.)

The New York Times showed photographs of the offensive statues and one of them was personal to me:  Joseph E. Wheeler.

My high school was named for this Confederate General. (By the way, did you know that my class is having our 40-year reunion despite the fact that all of my female classmates are still "foxy"? )   I have a picture, somewhere, of my wife posing next to the statue.

Here's what you need to know about Fighting Joe.

He was the shortest general in The Confederate Army.  He used a step stool to get on his horse. In a battle against Grant's Union Forces, General  Ulysses S. Grant urged his men to kill Wheeler.  Grant said, "Shoot low boys, he's riding a Shetland pony".

After the war, Wheeler went back to his home state of Alabama. He was so moved by his return, he wrote a poem, "Sweet Home Alabama".

However, war clouds soon rose again, and Wheeler rejoined the Army and served as a General during The Spanish-American War.

Wheeler made a startling announcement when he returned home:  he announced he was going to identify as a woman because he wants to have a baby.   He began to wear a dress and referred to himself as "Josephine Wheeler".

A Broadway musical will open this fall about him:  "JOSEPHINE!"   (The playbill features a man with a beard wearing a 1905 dress doing a high kick.)

Most of the "facts" reported above are not true.  But, it is probably the only way his statue would be able to stay in Statutory Hall.

By the way, the part about him being the shortest general is true. It is not confirmed that he used a step stool to mount his horse.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Reunion FAQs

In case you didn't know, my class at Wheeler High School, the class of 1977 (Motto: "The Gum Of Yesterday Is Left Under The Desks Of Today For The Children Of Tomorrow") is having our 40-year class reunion.

You know what that means: reminiscing about our hard lives.

"Yeah, kids today, don't know what's it is like having to get your lazy rump off the couch to turn a knob to change a channel. It was rough back then. You only had three of them. ABC, NBC, and CBS. But we liked it. We loved it".

"Yeah, they don't know what's it is like NOT having a Dunkin Donuts and Baskin-Robbins at the same place."

"Yeah, back in my day you only had one type of coffee! Black! The way God designed it in the Bible. Not the four hundred types you have today. I don't even know what a Latte is-I hope I never find out".

I am a part of the Reunion Committee and we have been meeting monthly at a local down-home, meat and three restaurant ( Motto: "Pay No Attention To That Health Inspection Score") to organize the reunion.  I am happy to present a FAQ- Frequently Asked Questions regarding the reunion.

When:  It is October 14, 2017.  This is a Saturday.

Time:  7:00 pm - 11:00 pm

Where:  Hilton Atlanta Marietta Hotel and Conference Center, 500 Powder Springs Street. Marietta, GA 30064.     It is the same location as the 20-year reunion and the last place some of us tried, in 70's style, to "get down".

Pretty Snazzy
Cost: Tickets are $65.00 each UNTIL September 1st when the price will raise to...dun-dun. DUN...$70.00 a ticket.

GAH, I mean, GAH, why so much? GAH:  When looking for a place to have a reunion we were faced with several options. All of the options cost money. Frankly, a lot of the less expensive options were disappointing.  The cost includes the rental of the ballrooms and a NICE SIT DOWN MEAL.

Ballrooms?  Yes, one for the dinner and one for getting down or getting up to boogie.

Is there going to be a program?    Yes. I will be Your Grand Host (YGH) and there will be some remarks by The Grammar Hammer himself, Marietta Daily Journal columnist Roger Hines.

You?   Yes.  I have a long association with Wheeler High School. I lived across the street from it for 10 years. I was married in the church next door.  I have written a book that sold into the dozens about Wheeler. Plus, I sleep with someone on the committee. (It is my wife. GAH!  Get your minds out of the gutter. GAH!)

Wait. Your wife wasn't in The Class of 77.  Can members of other classes come?   As long as you buy a ticket, we welcome members of other classes. Unless, of course, you want to spread propaganda about how your class was as good or better, then you can keep your filthy lies to yourself.

Can I Bring My Spouse?  Yes, with a purchase of a ticket.  Your spouse will want to bask in the glory of The Class of '77.

Do You Have A Website?  Yes, it is  I would like to take this opprotunity to -thank Sandy Dasinger Quarles, who designed and operates the website. The website has a Paypal link, which all of the kids are using nowdays. Or you mail a check to Sandy at 1047 Ven Villa Road, Marietta, GA 30062

She Went To Georgia Tech?   Yep and it came in handy because the rest of us (UGA grads and one lone Kennesaw State grad) can barely operate a cell phone.

How Should We Dress?   Cobb County has strict laws regarding public middle aged nudity, so you must wear clothes.  The type of clothes to be worn is "Dressy Causal" .  No tuxedos, no evening dresses, etc, like The Acadmey Awards.  It also means you don't dress like you are going to Wal-Mart.


Yes. This came from a website about "Dressy Causal"

Most Important of All: Will there be a bar?  Yes, there will be a cash bar. While I don't know exactly what they'll have, they will have the usual: beer, wine, etc. Not sure if you'll be able to order an Onery Moscow Mule, but there will be plenty of loudmouth soup available. 

So, there you have it gang. If you have any other questions, just ask me either on this page or on Facebook.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Trump's Pattern

To be honest, until 2015, I never paid that much attention to Donald John Trump.

I mean, I knew he was famous and I saw him on TV even though I never watch "The Apprentice".  I'm not much on reality game shows.

I knew he was rich, too. The kind of rich where people are sort of interested in your life but they don't know why. The kind of rich where you trade in wives. The kind of rich where you write books teaching schlubs like me how to get rich. The only problem with these books is the advice always reads like Steve Martin's "How to Make a Million Dollars and Never Pay Taxes ("First: Make a million dollars").

I heard Trump several times on Imus In The Morning.  This was back when he was a Democrat.

Sometimes he sounded like he knew what he was talking about and other times he didn't  Talk about foreshadowing.

Frankly, I didn't get Trump and didn't see why everybody found him fascinating.

Then, as political stories always mention, he rode down the escalator and began his run for the Presidency as a  Republican. I started paying attention.

Now after two years, in which saw Trump basically train wreck himself  into not only the Republican nomination  but into The White House itself, I can't say I understand Trump, but I've basically figured out his pattern.

First:  Trump says something outrageous or stupid or both.

Second:  Most of the news media reports Trump said something  outrageous or stupid or both.

Third:  Officials from The Trump Administration explain what Trump meant. ("What the President said should be taken figuratively and not literally".)

Fourth:  Trump gives an exclusive interview to a news personality and explains he literally said exactly what he meant.

Fifth:  Mike Pence starts measuring drapes in The Oval Office.

Sixth: Somebody on Twitter announces his/her hatred of  Trump and Ben Affleck as Batman.

Seventh:  Joe and Mika discontinue a heavy petting make-out session to condemn Trump.

Eighth:  Trump says "Mika is, at best, a six if you are wearing beer goggles, let's be honest".

Ninth:  Trump gives a speech or does something that makes actual sense.

Tenth:  You think, "Hmm, he just might be getting the hang of this Presidency business."

Eleventh:  Trump says something outrageous or stupid or both.

Trump is currently stuck in his Trump-mode in which nobody understands what  he is thinking or what his point might be because he doesn't make any sense.

He is currently treating Attorney General Jeff Sessions like a red headed step-child. He is going on Twitter bashing his Attorney General-the man he nominated and the man that works at the pleasure of the President. Trump wants Sessions to resign even though Trump could fire Sessions at any time.  It is almost like Trump thinks he going to owe Sessions unemployment compensation if he fires him.

It has gotten so bad that even Democrats are saying nice things about Sessions even though a couple of months ago you would have sworn they thought Sessions was The Grand Buffalo of The Nasty White Man's Club.

Sessions was one of the first elected Republicans to endorse Trump.

Last week, Trump hired Anthony "The Mooch" Scarmucci.   We quickly learn the "The Mooch" loves Trump even more than Trump loves Trump, which is something. He's got a Harvard degree and was a Wolf of Wall Street.   I listened to Scarmucci's press conference last week and he seemed like he was a sharp guy.

That was last week. This week,  Mr. Harvard Degree called a reporter for The New Yorker and  went on an obscenity saturated rant that would have made a sailor blush. He said something about Steve Bannon which A) I didn't think was possible  and B) made Bannon a sympathetic character (which I didn't think was possible either.)

Mr. Harvard Degree believes the entire problem in The Trump White House was Reince Priebus, The White House Chief of Staff.  Here is a transcript of a conversation Scarmucci had with the President.

Scarmucci:  "You know, this grease ball from Wisconsin, Richard, Wence, Wrench, Reebes whatever his name is?   He's the source of all of the leaks in The White House. Capiche?  I love you."

Trump:  "I was thinking the same beautiful thing!  What kind of name is Reince any way? Pfffft!  It's such a loser name and he smells like cheese!  Fire him!  No, wait. Have him resign. I don't want to pay him unemployment."

Scarmucci: "Great idea, Mr. President. I love you more now than I did a minute ago."

Priebus has now resigned and will be replaced by General John Kelly. General Kelly maybe the only person in the world that could tell Trump to shut his yap and focus on his job instead of Twitter. If he does, maybe Trump will stay at the tenth part of his pattern and get the hang of this Presidency business.

Friday, July 21, 2017

SunTrust Park: Questions and Answers

We finally did it!

We finally took in an Atlanta Braves baseball game at the brand spanking new SunTrust Park.

I have compiled answers to some frequently asked questions regarding the new stadium.

Who was Suntrust Park named after?   The new home of The Braves was named after a former President of South Korea, Suntrust Park.

Where is SunTrust Park at?   It is in the Vinings section of the city of Smyrna, Georgia that has an Atlanta mailing address.

How Do I Get There?  I am going to answer this as a 60-ish-year-old native of Cobb County. Go down the Four Lane and rat afore you git to Cumberlyn Mahl, thake a left. (Translation:  It is in the old Circle 75 area. Go south on Cobb Parkway and turn left. You are bound to hit an official Braves parking lot or a semi-official Braves gypsy parking lot.)  

Where do I park?   Glad you ask. There are about 14,000 parking spaces near SunTrust Park, depending on your definition of the word "near".  You can pay $21.00 to park at "Battery Red" which is right next door to the stadium. Or you can pay $1.00 and walk from Chattanooga.

What Is The Battery Atlanta?  It is a bunch of stores and restaurants to make you feel like you are in a quaint little neighborhood that just happens to have a Major League baseball stadium in it. The stores include Baseballism (features baseball related apparel)  and Sugarboo ("Dealer in Whimsy").   The restaurants include Wahlburgers (named after the famous Boston brothers who are famous for some reason) and Haagen Dazs (ice cream shop named after the first Dutch player in major league baseball.)

How Long Is The Wait At The Restaurants?   Three hours.

How Much Do Tickets Cost?   Tickets start at $9.00 if you want to watch the game from the roof of  SunTrust Park.  The tickets go up in price based on how close you are to the field. Those people you see on TV in the stands behind home plate: all are millionaires and are better than you.  Just a joke. Seriously, for a Wednesday night game on August 2, the best seats you can get cost $91.00 a ticket.

What is there to do when you get inside of the stadium?  You could do something wild like watch a baseball game.  If that's not your speed, you can go to wait in line to get into The Braves Clubhouse Store where you can buy official plastic Braves Clubhouse stuff, if you actually get in.  Or you can wait in line to get into the New Era cap store, which sells nothing but the various caps that are "official" Braves caps. Or you can go and look at the exhibits in Monument Garden, which is really neat. You can see Sid Bream's knee brace and marvel at the last century's pathetic attempt at health care.

What type of food is sold at the stadium?  Basic stadium grub. Nobody goes to a ball game to get braised leeks with Mozzarella and a fried egg. Good old fashion over priced artery clogging food.  You may be surprised to know they sell beer at the stadium. The cost:  what a good used car cost in 1986.  They also sell wine. No joke. Mom can zone out with a plastic cup of pinot noir white while you try to remember how to keep a box score.

Do They Sell Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future and did you buy some?  Yes. Of course.

Do They Do Anything Cool Between Innings?  Yes. This year the Braves have something called "Beat The Freeze" where a former track star (The Freeze) spots a fan a sizable lead in a race and then beats the fan by a sizable margin.  When I saw "Beat The Freeze", a young man turned to me and said: "That (bad word) is fasser than hale" (translation: "That gentleman is very fast"). The Freeze could be me in a race even if I was riding a horse.

How Much Would It Cost A Family of Four To Go To A Game?    A family of four could easily drop forty thousand dollars at a ball game. Loan officers are standing by to help you finance your evening at the ballpark.

Okay, you've been around a long time old man. Can you compare the parks?  Sure, Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium was dank. It smelled like beer. But it was where I saw Hank Aaron patrol in right field and Joe Torre catch.   Turner Field was like the new girl in school everybody said was hot, but was not. The field always seemed far, far away at Turner.  SunTrust actually looks and feels like a baseball stadium. There really isn't a bad seat in the place.

What Do You Like Best About SunTrust Park?   It is about 20 minutes, in traffic, from my house. Plus, The Dipping Dots, the ice cream of the future.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Fake History

I ran across some "fake history" the other day.

On the Fourth of July, I was breezing through my Facebook feed when I ran across a post about "the inspiring story about the writing of The Star Spangled Banner".

I clicked on the post because I am an American History nerd and I've seen the actual flag that inspired the song.

Back in 1998, I took my then seven-year-old son to Washington, D.C. for vacation. We went to The White House, The Jefferson Memorial, The Lincoln Memorial, Arlington National Cemetary, Ford's Theater, Capitol Hill, and The Smithsonian Museums.  If you have never been to D.C., you really have to go even though it is a city (to quote President Kennedy) of  "Northern hospitality and Southern efficiency."

At The Smithsonian National Museum of American History, we saw the flag that flew over Fort McHenry.

Wow.  That's the only word that came to my mind. I was looking at the flag which caused Francis Scott Key to say: "And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there".

The Facebook post linked to a Youtube clip which had an Evangelical pastor giving a sermon about "The Star Spangled Banner".

The only problem? Most of it wasn't true.

To be fair, he did correctly name Francis Scott Key as the writer of "The Star Spangled Banner".


The preacher confused The War of 1812 with The Revolutionary War. He referred to The United States as "colonies", which they were not. He called Fort McHenry, "Fort Henry".  He said the British wanted to destroy the fort (wrong).  He said the British had hundreds of ships in the harbor (they had eight or nine).

An article from the Patheos website says:

"One part of .... (the) account almost seems to confuse the bombing of Fort McHenry with the U.S. Marines' attack on Iwo Jima during World War II. He described soldiers trying to hold up the American flag in the midst of the British bombardment with "patriots' bodies" piled up around the flagpole. This makes for a great image, but in reality only about five soldiers died in the attack and we have no evidence of such a flag-raising."

After the YouTube clip was over, I told my wife that almost none of this was true and I even whipped out my Kennesaw State University degree to prove it. However, a LOT of people who commented on it bought it hook, line, and sinker.

Here's some more history. This YouTube clip was made in 2011. Almost immediately, there was controversy about it and the pastor apologized for the story and admitted he used the story without checking the accuracy. And people are still sharing it.

Here's my handy guide for dealing with Fake History. This can be used with "Fake News", too.

*While it is true, to an extent, that "history is written by the winners", there are certain facts in history.  History says Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of United States. It is not an "opinion". It is a fact.  If someone misstates a fact, chances are a lot of what else will be said will not be right. For example, if someone doesn't know the difference between The Revolutionary War and The War of 1812, well, he might not know what he is talking about.

*Understand everybody has an agenda. Historians, news people, Presidents-everybody has an agenda.  Today, on social media, the most important thing are  "clicks" (i.e.: how many people "clicked" on a post). The more clicks, the better for the website.   Sometimes the search for truth loses out to the search for clicks. When this particular YouTube clip was released in 2011, it had 1.7 million clicks.

*Research it yourself. Learn which sites are reliable and which are not. I can tell you anything associated with Info Wars should be looked at suspiciously. The same goes for Vox and a bunch of other sites.

*Always be willing to admit when you were wrong. This YouTube clip was made six years ago and people are still playing it. The Pastor has admitted his mistake. Most people nowadays won't do this.

*Finally, admit that the dummies who majored in History come in handy sometimes.  Okay, you don't have to do that, but it would be nice. Francis Scott Key thinks so too.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Good Advice

"Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price" ~ Allan Sherman

As luck would have it, I finished reading Shattered: Inside Hillary Clinton's Doomed Campaign by Jonathan Allen and Aime Parnes a couple of days before Jon Ossoff's quest to be the only politician in America that didn't vote for himself crashed and burned.

I enjoyed reading it. It had a happy ending. Ha. Ha.

Seriously, the book documents the reason why Clinton lost: Clinton.

Hillary Clinton has been around for a long time and the reason for her wanting to be President basically boiled down to "I Want To Be The First Woman President and You Owe Me".

Plus, one of her campaign honchos was a "numbers guy". We all work with a "numbers guy". The guy that looks at the numbers and tells you "what they mean".  Most of the time, the interpretation of the numbers are "wrong".

I thought of that during the Handel-Ossoff race. The numbers guys were telling the Democrats the 6th District was ripe for the picking because Trump only won it by one percentage point. They didn't add this:  Tom Price won 65 per-cert of the vote, which means there was plenty of people that didn't vote for Trump voted for Price.

This meant a Democrat would have an uphill battle to win The 6th District.

However, the national Democratic party took it to mean you could run a very young political cipher who didn't even live in the district and win as long as you pour buckets of money (30 million dollars) into the district.

Oops. It didn't work out. Give me 30 million dollars and I could get my cat, Gracie Manis, elected to Congress.

It reminded me of what Dave Barry said about Democrats: "They're the kind of  people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire."

Unlike most of the people on my side of the river, I am not gloating over the Democrats' problem. Okay, maybe a little. I mean, they sort of deserve it. They always act like they're on the "right side of history" and they are genetically cooler than everyone else.

However, it is important for the country to have a strong two-party system. It is important for the Democrats to learn the lessons of the past couple of election cycles. The lessons are not: A) Yell louder and B) Cuss More.

I am here to give my friends in the Democratic Party some advice.

1)  Cut Nancy Pelosi loose.  Like it or not the face of your party is this San Francisco dingbat. She always looks like to me that she's lost her keys in her purse.

2)  Stop "The Resistance" mess. Trump is not an existential threat to anything except maybe himself. Trump has proven, time and time again, that he's his own worst enemy. Get out of the way and let him mess up. Plus, it is just silly to walk around dressed up as genitalia.

3)  Cool it with The Apocolypse.  This is the Democratic response to anything President Trump says:  "People will, literally, die".  Steve Goodman had a song about his dad that said, "He'd get all mad and start to shout, I knew what was coming and I tuned him out".   The Democrats are like that. They get mad and they shout people will die.  And people that do not live in Democratic strongholds tune them out.

4)  Come up with your own proposals.  A fair criticism of The Republicans is they had eight years to come up with a replacement for Obamacare and they didn't have one.  Well, Democrats don't have anything except the status quo on a whole list of items ranging from healthcare (keep Obamacare) to immigration (there's no problem).

5) Celebrities.  Democrats have always paraded their whoop-de-do show business friends around. From Lauren Bacall presenting her gams to Harry Truman to The Rat Pack and JFK to Jimmy Buffett wasting away again with Hillary Clinton, the Democrats have always had the cool celebrities. It just doesn't matter much to regular people.

 6)  People.  For a party that claims to be a party of "the people", they sure spend a lot of time throwing shade on folks.  They seem to only like a certain type of people. You know, usually, people from the East or West Coast who have gone to all of the right colleges and universities. They really need to get into contact with their inner Bubba.

7)  Speaking of Bubba, one of the things Democrats really need to do study Bill Clinton. He showed you how to win. Okay, sure he had (has) problems with his zipper, but the man knew how to win votes and get things done. Even if it meant working with icky Republicans.

Of course, The Democrats will come back. About eight years ago, magazines had cover stories proclaiming the end of The Republican party. The Republicans changed. Or they at least tried to. The Democrats should at least try.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

A Millennial Gettysburg Address

If  The Gettysburg Address was given by a Millennial Abraham Lincoln.

Like, um, it was about 87 years ago (isn't, like, a score 20 years, so it was 4 or 5 scores plus 7 years)  some old white dudes created this lit country they stole from the Native Americans conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. As if.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, which is almost as shook as the one Captain America had with Iron Man, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. Personally, I'm actually for Captain America. My bro was for Iron Man probably because I was for Cap. I was like, chill. You know Captain America is twice the superhero Iron Man was. I mean, Captain America partied with Harry Truman and Samuel L. Jackson. You can't  party harder than that!

We are met on a great battlefield of that war. This Civil War-not the one in the Marvel Comic Universe.  You know, I really dig Wolverine from "The X-Men". I would totally be on whatever team Wolverine joined.

We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place. I mean, like whoa. Men came up here and like, died, for the country.  And I shouldn't just mention men. I should give a big shout out to the women that were here along with all of the Transgendered soldiers.

I'm going to tweet #Itisaltogetherfittingandproperthatweshoulddothis. Make sure you do it as well and maybe we can get this trending on Twitter.

But I guess, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground and we won't allow a Starbucks to be built around here, although I could go for a vanilla bean frappuccino right now.  My bro doesn't like Starbucks. He's a Dunkin Donuts man and that is so lame. My old man told me that they used to make the donuts at the actual Dunkin Donuts and how good the Dunkin Donuts smelled.  TBH, He's always going on and on about how something smelled in 1978. He's got a real historical nose. It is very annoying.

The brave dudes, gals, and people of other various genders, living and dead, who struggled here have apparently consecrated it far above our awesome power to add or detract. So that's pretty hundo p if you ask me.

The world will always note and long remember what I say here because I'm Abraham Lincoln and I have this great beard. I decided not to do the mustache part because I think it looks pretty woke already. You would not believe the grief I got for not doing the mustache. I can't even. I just can't even. I mean, it is my face, you know.

It is for us, you know, the living to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here. So let's all go and throw shade on those super sus people. They probably still use Blackberrys or even worse, flip phones like my grandparents  One time, my grandmother sent me a text. She said it took her three days to write it.  I just texted back "K" and then I got another text, three days later, asking me what "K" meant.  I told her it meant "okay". Three days later I got another text back saying we have a lot of weird words and phrases.  I told her it was like "23 Skidoo" or whatever they said back before they invented electricity.  At Christmas, she said something about "her will"  and how I won't be a part of it.   Sorry, not sorry.

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the goals remaining before us--that from these BAE we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly, like promise, for real,that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God  shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth.  Whoa, that is so on fleek!

Friday, June 16, 2017

Sames and Opposites

A squirrel is the same as a can
when there's a BB gun in my hand  ~ Demetri Martin

There has been a big brouhaha regarding President Trump.  You might have seen it, it has been in all of the papers.

The President fired FBI Director James Comey. The reasons vary from job performance to the "guy was just a big doody head - SAD!!!" (Presidential tweet)

Washington reporters and pundits have been comparing the Comey firing to "Watergate".  That's really nothing unusual. Washingon reports and pundits compare everything to "Watergate" because "Watergate" was the Big Kahuna. It was the one time they were actually right.

The question is: How does this compare to "Watergate"?  Lucky for you, I have a degree in history plus, as an added bonus, I have lived through this history. If you think coverage of Trump and Comey have gone overboard now, you haven't seen nothing.

But first, a little history lesson about "Watergate" from my Pulitzer Prize Award winning book, Surviving The Smokehole.
"(In the seventies) the President was Richard Nixon, who had been around forever and was almost as odd looking as Lyndon Johnson.  Nixon was involved in a political scandal called “Watergate” which was about something that did not involve sex like the President Bill Clinton scandals and therefore was fairly boring. Somehow, in the midst of this scandal, Vice President Spiro Agnew had his own little scandal and had to resign from office. Nixon selected House Minority Leader Gerald Ford to replace Agnew. Then, on August 9, 1974, my 15th birthday, Nixon resigned and Ford became President.   If you lived through this time, you know this is a very condensed version of what happened"

Here you learn some very important things. One, President Nixon was odd looking.  Two, "Watergate" had nothing to do with sex. President William Jefferson "Bill" Clinton twenty years later had a scandal that involved sex but people forgave him because we all just got the internet and the girl he was catting around with was maybe a six with thick beer goggles on.

You see, what had happened was President Nixon was running against George McGovern. McGovern was sort of like the Bernie Sanders of his day except McGovern had some sense.  While Nixon was no day at the beach, McGovern had the charisma of a pair of socks. Instead of thanking his lucky stars in drawing such a dud of an opponent, Nixon orders the break-in of The National Headquarters of The Democratic Party.

Nixon won by a landslide victory. But, he "covered up" his role in the break-in (like ordering it).  The Washington Post got involved with their reporters, Redford and Hoffman.  Soon it was revealed that Nixon had taped all of his conversations in The White House.

Americans were shocked in 1974 when the written transcripts of The White House Tapes were released.

Nixon:  "I don't give a <expletive deleted> about the lira"

Americans were shocked because we weren't quite sure what the lira was, but the President of The United States better care about it!

Soon, "The Smoking Gun" was found in one of the tapes.

Aide:  "What should we do today?"
Nixon: "Break into the headquarters of The Democratic Party and then lie about it for two years".

Shortly after that, President Nixon became ex-President Nixon.

There are people that think this is what will happen to President Trump.  I must admit, there are some days I wonder if he's going to finish the week much less his term. However, there are some big differences.

One, we are not sure there is even a crime. Maybe obstruction of justice, sort of, kind of.  It is simply not enough to have Trump impeached.

Two, the Democrats held both houses of Congress in 1974. If you haven't noticed, Republicans hold both houses of Congress now. Trying to shame them into impeaching Trump won't work.

Sure some of the things are the same. Odd looking Republican. He causes more problems for himself than his opposition. He is a carbon-based life form like Nixon. The Washington Post is all over it.

Other than that, it is like the difference between a squirrel and a can.

Sunday, June 4, 2017


I imagine the meeting went something like this:

Kathy: " I need to do something that will draw attention to me and lead to more bookings at casinos."

P.R. Guy:  "Okay..."

Kathy:  "I know! Two words. SEX TAPE!"

P.R.Guy:  "Ew......."

Kathy:  "Wait, I got another one....."

The rest, as they say, is history. Comedian Kathy Griffin committed the most public act of career immolation since, gee, I don't know, John Rocker, with her infamous picture of her holding the severed head of the President.

I'm not sure who thought this was a good idea. I'm not sure if even The Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) would show this picture and I went to a Yoko Ono exhibit there one time.

The picture, which is protected First Amendment speech, wasn't really as clear as it was graphic. Was she saying she opposes Trump so much that she wishes she could cut off his head?  Or was it something more benign: " Hey, look at me"?

I couldn't guarantee it, but I think somebody in the Secret Service thought, "You know, an actor killed Lincoln"  But I doubt this little red headed woman would pose any real physical threat to our big orange President.

I think it was an immature, not well thought out, publicity stunt.  Griffin followed it up with an apology that was as sincere as a lap dance. Then she followed that up with a press conference which was as whiny as it was pathetic.

Griffin should have heeded the example of another entertainer:  Jayne Mansfield.

Mansfield was an "actress" in the late fifties and early sixties.  The nearest present day comparison I can think of is Pamela Sue Anderson.  Mansfield was an early Playmate for Playboy magazine, which meant she was, um, comfortable showing her body in an era in which body showing was not as celebrated as it is today.

She was famous for her publicity stunts. Here is a picture of the most famous one.

Yes, I Chickened Out

Mansfield was at a dinner in the honor of Sophia Loren, probably the second most beautiful Italian woman ever (just slightly behind my wife but ahead of Valerie Bertinelli and Marisa Tomei). Mansfield's decolletage was very exposed and one of her nipples made a cameo appearance for the photographers present. This explains Sophia Loren's stink eye in the above picture.

Of course, this made Mansfield very famous. It even helped launch the career of Dick Cavett. Cavett was a writer for Jack Paar's Tonight Show and wrote this introduction for Mansfield when she was on the show:  "And here they are, Jayne Mansfield".

Did you know Jayne Mansfield won a Golden Globe? Did you know that she made a couple of records with Jimi Hendrix (Yes, that Jimi Hendrix)?  Did you know that one of her kids is an actress on Law and Order: Special Victims Units?

Probably not. We mainly remember her for bending down and showing the world the puppies. Just like we won't remember Griffin for surviving one of the most difficult jobs in the world-walking into a room and making strangers laugh.

Mansfield's life was pretty troubled. Towards the end of her life, she made "personal appearances". One was at a store opening here in Marietta, Georgia in 1966. We went.  My mom said Mansfield showed up drunk.

Mansfield died in an auto accident in Mississippi. The urban legend had that she was decapitated. For the record, she wasn't.

The whole point of a publicity stunt is to attract attention. Griffin got it in buckets.  It turned out to be the attention she didn't want.  But she did perform a valuable public service.

It is not a good idea to make a political statement with a severed head. 

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

1977 vs 2017

For several months I have been a part of a planning committee that is planning The Wheeler High School Class of '77 (Class Motto: "Gimme Three Steps, Gimme Three Steps, Mister") Forty Year Class Reunion.

Forty years. Boy, that sounded like a longer period of time back in 1977 than it does now.

Back in 1977, here's how backward we were.

We had to get up off our butts and change the channel on our TV. Yes, I said it, butts (in 1977, butts was a semi-cuss word.). In the Atlanta area, your choices were channels 2, 5, 11, and 17. If you were some kind of nerdish-hippie-pinko, you also had channel 8, which featured shows where everybody sounded British.

Chances are you found something to watch. It may have not been very good, like "Ironside" which was about a disabled chief of police in San Francisco who bore a strange resemblance to Perry Mason. Or you happened upon "Cannon" which was about a fat private detective who really didn't do too much except eat and kind of jog after the bad guys.

Back in 1977, your phone was on the wall at home and not in your pocket. People used to travel, believe it or not, without having a phone on them. People just assumed you would call when you got there.

Your phone at home was not a camera. Your camera was your camera and it used "film". Once the film was used, you took it to the drug store and the drug store would send the film off to be "developed".  Most of these pictures you took were horrible. Out of focus, heads cut off.

If you did have a picture that was in focus with good lighting, someone always had their eyes closed.

Computers took up city blocks. The thought never crossed your mind that you would have a "personal" computer.  Now, you can carry one around in your pocket.

In 1977, "vinyls" were called "records".  "Records" were sold in "record stores". "Record stores" were all over the place and not just in Seattle.  You did not know when your favorite band or singer was going to release a record unless you worked at the record store, which you didn't because a) you were not cool enough and/or b) you didn't take drugs.

Just imagine the excitement. Mom is at Penny's scoping out the latest fashion and you're at the record store and you see the just released "Captain and Tennille" album. Your month is made right there. (Of course, I'm joking. I would have never bought a Captain and Tennille album.)

Now I bought plenty of Neil Diamond records. Something about a Jewish guy from Brooklyn singing "L.A.'s fine the sunshines most of the time. And the feeling is lay back. Palm Trees grows, rents are low, but you know I keep thinking about making my way back" spoke to a pimply seventh-grade southerner. I blame my mom.

The music of the '70's taught me many things.

For instance, if you are running down the road and you're trying to loosen your load, it is good to have seven women on your mind. The two that want to own you. The two that want to stone you. The one that is your friend. This is important because you have to find a lover who won't blow your cover.

Facts are fact: our music was just better back then. Hands down. No contest. Our music didn't suck.

Until disco, of course. For that, we apologize.

Suck. There's another 70's cuss word except is was spelled "sux". You could get detention for saying "that sucks" in school. Your mother would have gladly come down to the school and sign a permission slip allowing the Assistant Principal (in my case Mr. Hipsher) to poke you with a cattle prod.  ("Nah, ah'm gonna poek ewe wid dis here cattle prod and mahbay ewe want cuss no mo".)

Now you have a Carvana commercial which shows people singing and dancing about buying a car through Carvana and "it doesn't suck".  Mr. Hipsher needs to poke them with a cattle prod.

Our plans with the reunion committee are coming along nicely, thank you.

We hope our fellow classmates will come, October 14 at The Marietta Conference and rock and roll all night. And we'll party every day.

In reality, we will party every other day.  Okay, maybe we will party every other week.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Click 2017

For those of you that don't live in the Atlanta area, there is a special election to fill the seat of former Representative current Secretary of Health and Human Services Dr. Tom Price.  Aren't we lucky? We get to see all of the commercials!

The following is a transcript of my day in front of the TV Set trying to find something to watch.

"Hello, I'm Jon Ossoff. I'm running for the seat in whatever district this is to make a difference. Also a change. I'm willing to work with anyone, including all Democrats and maybe some of those stinky Republicans that want children to starve. I'm Jon Ossoff, and I approved this message because I want to make a difference. Also, a change."


"My name is Karen Handle and you have got to elect me to something, OK?!  OMG, I lost to Nathan Deal who has the personality of a tree stump. OMG. Give me a break, will ya.   I'm Karen Handle and I approved this message because-OMG- I need a break."


"Karen Handle has expensive tastes. She won't buy the store brands. NO! She has to buy the name brands. Karen Handle thinks she is sooooooooo much better than us. Paid for by the Committee That Thinks Karen Handle is Stuck Up."


"Jon Ossoff. He is about 14 years old and doesn't even have a driver's license. He's thinks he's so cool 'cause he made of movie.  He's also is in an inappropriate intimate relationship with Nancy Pelosi. Doesn't that make your flesh crawl? Nancy Pelosi. Intimate relationship. Jon Ossoff. Doesn't it make you sick?  Paid for by Georgians Against Nancy Pelosi Having Intimate Relationships With Skinny Young Men".


"While the state of Georgia was undergoing a budget crisis, Karen Handle was buying expensive chairs and lighting cigars with one hundred dollar bills given to her by the taxpayers. She was laughing with that awful laugh of hers, enjoying every second of wasting your hard earned taxpayer money.  Karen Handle. My mother won't let me use the word that describes her".


"I'm Jon Ossoff and I'm sitting on a porch of a house that may or may not be in whatever district this is and I want to tell you my plan. 1) Buy a house in whatever district I represent in Congress. 2) Deal with the fraud and waste in government by telling the government not to waste money. I would tell people that want to defraud the government they can't do it. 3) Switch all government cell phones to Sprint."


"My name is Dr Gyno and I'm real concerned about Karen Handle because she wants to cut funding to Planned Parenthood. You can't argue with me because I'm a doctor. Also, I had breast cancer. Boo-Ya!"


"Jon Ossoff.Look at him. Has he worked a day in his life? Honestly?


"Karen Handle.  The most dangerous place on earth is standing between Karen Handle and a box of donuts."


"Jon Ossoff not only watches 'Twin Peaks' but he enjoys and understands it. What a weirdo!"


"Karen Handle likes expensive cars so she can run over kittens.  Is that the type of person we want in Washington?  A kitten killer?  Paid for by The People Against Kitten Killers in Congress"


"You know what Jon Ossoff needs? A good sock in the snoot to wipe that Georgetown smirk off of his face".


"Karen Handle.  My God"



Sunday, May 14, 2017

Then One Day

When you marry somebody, you really do marry into their family.

For example, when Lori and I got married, she married into a family with an Uncle Jimmy. My Uncle Jimmy was a Dust Bowl survivor who somehow met and married my Aunt Elizabeth (who he called "Lizbeth"). He took a job in Atlanta, Georgia. He got a small house in Marietta. They had a son, James, Jr. (Sonny). World War II came and Uncle Jimmy went off to war. He came back and soon Jimmy, Elizabeth, and Sonny welcomed into the world, Linda and Brenda. Elizabeth's younger sister moved from Mississippi to Marietta to help with the twins. The sister met my Dad.

I married into a family with an Uncle Andy and Aunt Peggie.

They did not have any children. Aunt Peggie's only blood nieces and nephew was my wife's family.

Uncle Andy was a banker who was a proud graduate of The Georgia Institute of Technology, Georgia Tech. He said he majored in "Jewish Engineering" (Business).

He was pretty high up in the bank. He handled a lot of important clients, including James Brown. I always laugh thinking about Andy giving his advice to The Godfather of Soul.

He was offered a job by Ted Turner. Really. This was right after Ted bought a tiny TV station in Atlanta. Andy said Turner really laid it thick, begging Andy to work for him.

One important note of Andy. He was the son of Greek immigrants. Andy had one Greek stereotype: he was tight with his money.  He told Turner, "Ted, you know I'm real conservative. What would you do if I advised against something because I didn't think it was the right financial move?"

Turner said, "I'd fire you".

Andy always had a great story. He was somehow involved with loaning the money to launch the Hooters restaurant chain.  Just when Hooters went national, one of the founders' girlfriends was that particular month's centerfold in Playboy magazine.  Andy had to escort her around the bank for a meet and greet. He said she was really good looking but was as dumb as a box of rocks.

Peggie was the sister of my father in law.  She had one of those lilting Southern accents you never hear anymore.  I would answer the phone and hear: "Ae-lynn. Is yore luvlay wife Low-ray theah? May ah spake to herr" (translation: "Alan, is your lovely wife Lori there? May I speak with her?)

She played golf. She was always participating in a "turnnament" (tournament). Peggie and Andy would travel all over the world to go "burd wachin" (bird watching).

The lady could make a quilt. We have, by a conservative estimate, about 400 Peggie quilts around the house. You can't buy quilts made any better.

They lived in a nice house near Chastain Park in Atlanta.  It wasn't gaudy or snooty. It was just classy, in the understated Old Atlanta way.  They decided to cash out the house and sold it to a couple who built a McMansion on it.

They moved to Smyrna, Georgia. One of their next-door neighbors was a former major league baseball player estranged from his wife. The wife showed up at his door one day armed and threating violence.  The Washington Post called Peggie and Andy for their comment. They didn't have any.

Soon the house in Smyrna became too much to take care off.  They sold it and moved to a senior living apartment in Buckhead.

Andy was in his 90's and his health was beginning to fail.  But his mind was sharp. Peggie was declining too. She often stayed confused.  They had to hire a team of caretakers to help them around the little apartment.

Then one day, the caretaker took Andy to the doctor for a scheduled appointment. When they returned to the apartment, Andy asked the caretaker to get the mail. The caretaker left. Andy locked the door. He walked into the bedroom where Peggie was lying in bed. He took his gun and shot Peggie. He turn the gun on himself and pulled the trigger again.

Even though it was on the news, we didn't find out until the next day. We don't watch a lot of local news during the week. Our housekeeper (yes, we have a housekeeper, shut up), who was their housekeeper for 30 years, sent my wife a text offering her condolences.  That's how she learned what happened to Aunt Peggie and Uncle Andy.

Neither the Atlanta Police or the senior living complex appear to have made an effort to contact any possible relatives on Peggie's side. My wife contacted the complex immediately ("Oh, I'm glad you called, we thought she had some nieces locally"). My wife, along with her sister and niece, were there the day before the incident for a visit and signed in noting she was seeing Andy and Peggie.

Apparently, nobody thought to check.

I always liked Andy. He was the original member of "I married a Stanley woman" club. He was always so sensible and thoughtful. He was absolutely the last person I would think would do something like this.

There was no note. My wife said he seemed like his old self the day before: sharp, didn't appear depressed or distracted.

Maybe he got some bad news at the doctor. Maybe they had a pact to go out together.

God knows why Andy decided to execute Peggie and then himself.

But I don't.  I doubt if I ever will.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly & The Not Sure

Lord have mercy, we have somehow survived the first one hundred days of the Donald J. Trump administration.

It has been interesting, to say the least.

Eight years ago, President Obama's first one hundred days was treated by the main-lame-stream media as The Dawning of The Age of Aquarius. The Moon was in the seventh house and Jupiter aligned with Mars. The string bean from Illinois via Hawaii would usher peace beyond understanding into the world.

Conservatives would drop their silly opinions and follow along with a President who was leading us to the right side of history. Our enemies, when confronted with a President of such charm, would immediately become our friends and work with us for the good of mankind. Dogs and cats would begin to get along. Stuff like that.

In contrast, President Trump's first one hundred days has been presented as APOCALYPSE NOW AND WE MEAN NOW! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! WOOP! WOOP! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Trump, who looks like one of Lex Luthor's experiments gone terribly wrong, somehow won the Presidency with help of the Russians and drug-addled white people from the Midwest. Instead of bringing out the best in people, he brings out the worst.

That is undoubtedly true.  Have you heard some comedians talk about Trump?  On Conan O'Brien, comedian Patton Oswalt said last year's election was a choice between an "insanely qualified woman and a racist scrotum dipped in Cheeto dust."  That's a real knee-slapper.  I would have said, "a lying skunk and a racist scrotum dipped in Cheeto dust" just so I wouldn't alienate half of my possibly paying customers. But, sometimes the jokes have to suffer when you are saving the world.

I know you are all wondering about my grade on the Trump's Presidency. I give it an "I" for "Incomplete".  It is way too soon to critique his Presidency. It is definitely a work in progress.

The Ugly

The Tweets. Somebody. Some big rich millionaire President Trump golfs with ought to tell him to knock it off with the tweets. As much as it "connects" him to the American people, it causes him a ton of problems that he would be better to do without. SAD!

His tongue. Just when it seems like Trump has "pivoted" and will become Presidential, he says (or tweets) something that makes him appear like a baboon. Nobody wants to know your theory of Andrew Jackson and The Civil War. Trump needs to read James 3:1-12 in the Bible. He needs to tame his tongue and just shut up.

Steve Bannon.  I know, I know. He is the whipping boy because of his supposed "Alt-Right" connections, but the guy doesn't know what he's doing and he's caused more problems than he's worth.

His Opposition.  Has anybody benefited more from his opposition than Trump?  From the asinine resistance march to the campus radicals who hate free speech, they make Trump sometimes seems reasonable compared to these people.

The Bad

The Inauguration Address. It. Was. Horrible.  Talk about a wasted opportunity. Former President Bush's review: "Now that was some weird shit".

Repeal and Replace Part One.   He set up a false deadline without understanding the deep divisions within his own party about Obamacare. Guess what? He thought he could bully Congressmen like he bullied his employees. Guess what? It didn't work. Guess what? It made Obamacare seem like the Thing That Wouldn't Die.

The Ban.  Ugh, talk about the Vigoro hitting the fan.  It was something done in haste and allowed the Left to do what they do best: run to the courts and start dreaming of which actor is going to play them in the ten part movie on Netflix.

The Good

Neil Gorsuch.  I don't think Trump would have been elected if he hadn't published a list of twenty judges he would select for The Supreme Court.  Gorsuch is a slam dunk. The opposition to Gorsuch didn't make sense except he was nominated by Trump. Therefore, Chuck Schumer lead his party straight into the nuclear option and now he looks like an idiot  He deserves it.

His foreign policy team. Trump has a pretty solid team with Mattis, McMaster, They seem mature with a clear understanding of the world. These are guys that could have served in any Republican or Democratic administrations. Anything is an upgrade from Ben Rhodes.

The Syria Bombing.  No, it doesn't solve Syria, but it at least reinforces "the red line" President Obama talked about.

Some of The Executive Orders.  My Lord, the Keystone Pipeline is a slam dunk. Obama could have done it, but he was so tied to the Environmental Lobby.

Not Sure

North Korea.  Like a lot of people, I'm worried about North Korea. It seems like Trump has somehow roped the Chinese into helping out with that loon over there. Maybe. I don't know.

Repeal and Replace Two:  Well, somehow, the President had to charm Republicans into doing what they said they would be doing for the past seven years. Of course, the left will have you believe the people will die in the streets just like they were doing in 2009. You remember stepping over all of those dead people on the sidewalks, don't you?