Sunday, August 29, 2010

What Is The President?

President Barack Delano Kennedy Obama has been President for almost two years and the American people are still confused over his religious status.

Is President Obama a Moosalem? Or is President Obama a Muzzelem? President Obama describes himself as a Christian and even at one time made it to church on the occasional Sunday morning when his Pastor, who many theologians describe using the theological term of “nut” was not railing against various things the Man was doing to keep the People down.

The White House recently issued a statement about the President’s faith.

“When not being the greatest person ever(!) The President prays to the Big Cheese upstairs. Additionally, The President has a purpose driven life and has met Rick Warren, who prayed at the inaugural. The President also bought an Amy Grant cassette tape when he was in college and it is around here somewhere”.

Humor Me has contacted the leading observers of Religion in America and the general consensus is that President Obama is a Christian, but belongs to a new Christian sect called The Obamaterians.

This is a group that holds to many of the Christian traditions, like having the day off for Christmas and the week or so before Labor Day. However, this group has many rituals and beliefs which differ from Evangelical and/or Mainstream Christianity.

The Obamaterians believe that Sunday is the Lord’s Day and it should be celebrated with the Lord’s Game: Golf. Instead of the Lord’s Supper, Obamaterians have the “Blessed Dessert”: Ice Cream.

Obamaterians believe that one must talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk to express themselves for the Lord loves a “Chatty Kathy”, who is one of their patron saints. Along with this, Obamaterians believe it is important to hear the President speak on a wide range of issues, especially the NCAA Basketball Tournament.

Obamaterians believe in a personal devil. His name is Glenn Beck and he is aided by all of the other little imps on talk radio. Sometimes this devil enlarges and changes his name to Rush Limbaugh and talks almost as long as the Obamaterians do.

Obamaterians believe that raising taxes is a good thing because that way everybody gets to contribute.

One remarkable facet of Obamaterianism is their belief that they are always right and if you disagree with them, even over a non-doctrinal issue like wearing a Chicago White Sox hat when you are throwing out the first pitch at a Washington Nationals game, you are obviously mentally ill or a storm trooping Nazi KKK bigot.

Obamaterians tend to be very wealthy. They can be found on Wall Street,in law offices, and in the American entertainment industry. There is also a passionate class of Obamaterians that are not wealthy and are somehow under the belief that the President will pay their mortgages and their car notes. So far this as not happened.

The words most often heard in the Obamaterian Church are “hope” and “change”. The responsive readings include this line, “We hope the economy changes for the better so we can keep our jobs”.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

A Fireside Chat With President Franklin Delano Obama

Good evening, this marks my four hundredth time I have spoken with you, my subjects, the American people, this week.

I have previously spoken to you about my wife’s vacation and how you have to go to Spain if you want to learn Spanish (duh) and that I did not ask the American people to pay for it. As I explained, we have a considerable amount of money stashed away from the sales of my two best selling books, both of which should be made into movies if you ask me. Can’t you see it, “Obama in 3-D” ? That would be epic.

Sorry, got a little carried away. I have also spoken to you about the crisis in the Gulf, the need to grow a green economy even if you don’t want to, and the need to eat well and don’t smoke even though every time you see me I’m eating an ice cream cone or drinking a beer and there are confirmed rumors that I’m taking a puff now and then.

We here at The White House understand that you little people are upset with the economy. I would be too if I didn’t have a job. But, I’m working. Believe me, I’m putting in six to seven hours a day in the Oval Office and plus anytime I have to talk to Vice President Biden, I count as overtime.

It is important to realize that the only way to have the economy humming again is to have the American people give all of their money to the government. That way you are not wasting your money on items like an iPad or a new TV.

We also understand that there is some frustration over our Immigration policy. Let me explain it.

If you are from Mexico and you want to live in the United States, you can just come on over. We got enough room here and plus we need the voters.

Let me describe those that oppose our policy. They are racist thugs who probably like killing people just to let out all of their racial thug-ness.

And there is another controversy and this involves a zoning issue in New York.

Normally, We in The White House would not get involved in local issues unless it involved a Harvard professor we thought was cool. But a valued American principle involved.

A group would like to put a Mosque near Ground Zero in Manhattan.

As you might know, there are no Baptist or Methodist Mosques. Only Islamic. If memory serves me right, the hijackers of the planes that flew into the World Trade Towers were Muslim.

This provides The United States with a great opportunity to show the Islamic world that we really, really, really like them and hope that they will soon tire of blowing up things just to show the world that they invented Algebra, which we really, really, really like too.

Now, I know that there are some that think this is a poke in the eye to the families of those that died on 9/11 and to the United States itself. I can only respond that those people are bigots and must be shamed in the public square.

America must never lose sight that everything is our fault and that nobody likes us because of this.

Good evening and tomorrow, I’m showing slides of The First Lady’s vacation.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Pre-Season This Week's Picks

In 2002, I found a website designed for alumni of my high school called It had a message board section where you could post a thread on any topic you wanted. I’m pretty sure it was designed for topics like Suzie looking for Stephen. The topics, however, turned very broad and like everything else about the Internet soon took a nasty tone. (For some reason, on the Internet a discussion of “Rock-Paper-Scissors” will almost always turn into some sort of flame war with people typing comical cuss words and questioning the other poster’s sexuality.) One day, during the summer, I was listening to a local sports talk station and they were at the SEC Media Days. So I thought, hey, why don’t I start a College Football thread on the Wheeler page? Nothing brings people together like college football, right?!

When the season started, I began making my selections on who would win the big games and frankly I imitated Jeff Schultz of the AJC and tried to give the teams funny names. Kentucky would be “The Mildcats”, South Carolina “The Illegal Fighting Game Birds”, and so on. For some reason, Auburn was the most fun to make fun of—I don’t know why, that just how it turned out. (Auburn’s nickname is “The Tigers”, but sometimes they are called “The War Eagles” even though that’s not their name but a chant and sometimes they are called: “The Plainsmen”. I have never heard anyone call Auburn “The Plainsmen” but every time I talk to an Auburn person, they mention this name) Sometimes I would call Auburn “The War Tigers”. Other times, I would call them “The Plainstigereagles”.

The thread got a lot of response and it was fun. I remember I bet one guy a bag of peanuts that Georgia would beat Florida. (Of course, they didn’t). A couple of Tech alums presented very detailed Algebraic arguments as to why Georgia Tech is the best team ever in the history of mankind and maybe the solar system. It proved to me that individually College Football fans are fine, affable people. Collectively, they are insane. Very. Like make sure you know where their pills are insane. But, all in all, it was a pleasant experience.

So, I did the same thing in 2003. Same type of response. The only difference was I began including what was going on with my son’s football team and from 2003 to 2008 I chronicled the highlights of the Mighty Kennesaw Mountain High School Mustangs and our favorite sixth to eighth string ( I don’t think he ever made it past sixth string) wingback, BEN MANIS#38.

I expanded it to a competing website called (don’t ask) in 2008. Then I got the bright idea to start a blog called Humor Me and included it there. In between, I got hooked on Facebook and began to include it there.

So here we are in the ‘Pre-season’ and like most Pre-season polls, college football’s are pure bull corn. However, I can venture a guess that Bamy is going to be very good this year and I can see The Only Ohio State University being ranked very high, too. Everybody else, who knows?

One new feature of This Week’s Picks is our expanded line up. In the past, I just followed the FBS schools. This year, I will not only comment on the major FBS games, I will follow the schedule of The Georgia Southern University ( school motto: “Whoooo, I’m in a Truck…Whooo”) Eagles, which is in the FCS (these are the schools that used to be called Division 1-A).

I’m not forgetting about Division Two. The Division Two Game of the Week will be whoever is brave enough to play The Fighting Scots of Edinboro University of the Pennsylvania State Athletic Conference.

Hey, Division Three, I’m looking at you. We will be following the games of the Birmingham-Southern Panthers.

In what other humor blog do you have anyone following the games of FBS, FCS, D2 and D3 teams? That’s a great deal for your money.

I will step out on a limb right now and make this bold prediction: Bama over Georgia State. Call it a hunch. Tell your friends you read it here first.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

American Idull

The Big Shanty 8th Grade Lugnuts were doing their usual: losing. It was a difficulty year for Coach Big Ron and myself. The first kid we picked for the team quit due to a medical issue and we had one kid that we were pretty sure had never seen a baseball before.

In the middle of another long inning, I received a call on my cell phone. It was my wife. She wanted to tell me about what just happened on “American Idol”.

Six years later, we are in our second year boycott of “American Idol”. I’m proud to say that we didn’t watch a second of it this year. Not even the “Pants On The Ground” guy.

It looks like “American Idol” has jumped the shark during “Shark Week”.

The star of the show, the churlish Simon Cowell has left. Ellen DeGeneres is leaving as is Kara DioGuardi. They will be replaced by Jennifer Lopez and Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler. Nobody really knows if Randy Jackson will be back. This is not a train wreck waiting to happen. It is a train wreck that has happened.

The show was pretty simple. First show a bunch of people trying out for the show. However, make sure you get a bunch of morons who “think” they can sing to audition in front of the judges. When the crash and burn, have the Englishman crush their spirits because the English do that so well.

Finally, you whittle your way into some talent. You bring them to Hollywood where they sing two minute versions of whatever the theme is that night, and soon, you have your American Idol.

The judges were very important to the show. Randy Jackson was the musician who has played with everyone from Bob Dylan to Mariah Carey. Paula Abdul was the “star”, the person everyone came to see. Simon was the money grubbing record executive who was out for the quick buck.

It all worked pretty well. Randy would give his sensible criticisms, Simon would try to crush their dreams and Paula would be there to nurture them.

Somewhere, however, along the way, Randy became this “dawg” man and would talk about “pitch”. Paula looked like she had just flown in from Planet Paula. Simon began to look like he was bored and would give incredible analogies to the contestants like “your per-FOR-mence was like something you would hear in a podiatrist office in Paraguay”.

The contestants would stand there, listening to this “critique” and tried to please the judges. Mostly, they tried to please Simon, who, let’s face it, had the musical taste of mud.

One of the more successful “Idols” has been Carrie Underwood. The first couple of “Idols” had been very soul/pop in nature. Underwood was the first Country Music Idol and she took the radio world by storm with her song, “Jesus, Take the Wheel” (or how she pronounced it: “Jeysus, Tahke Uh Will”). Her second hit, “Before He Cheats” is a song that promotes destruction of men’s personal property if they play pool with somebody else.

It is hard to imagine anyone new coming along to match Carrie Underwood’s success. It is hard imagine Steven Tyler or Jennifer Lopez could pick it out, dawg.

Do not fear. Cowell will soon star in another one of his shows “The X Factor”, which is “American Idol” under another name.