Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Affordable Care Act Answer Man

As an ongoing public service, here is The Affordable Care Act Answer Man, the man with all of your Affordable Care Act answers that are current, at this present time, which might or might not be in effect depending upon The President’s poll numbers.

Will Healthcare Insurance Coverage become affordable?  Yes, it is in the name of the law “The Affordable Care Act”. DUH. This how Health Insurance works. People (members) pay a fee (premium) to be a policy holder in a health insurance plan so when they do have an illness, like their legs being too hot to touch, as the Answer Man once saw during his career in health insurance. Incidentally, this incident (claim) was denied because hot legs were not covered under this insurance plan and this member had to pay for their hot legs out of pocket and is probably homeless at this moment. The Affordable Care Act will provide affordable coverage so our fellow Americans with hot legs will no longer have to go bankrupt to pay for their hot legs.

That’s funny because my policy this year was $150.00 a month and next year it is going to be $408,555,755.00 a month. That is because your old policy was, in insurance terminology, a long tube of fecal matter. Your new super-duper health insurance covers everything, including certain cosmetic surgeries, your 24 year old Art major college sophomore and her cat.

What are some the Essential Health Benefits of The Affordable Care Act?  It pays for everything. Don’t worry about it. You are now free to live your life. You can now go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do with whoever you want to do it with.

What are my free preventive services that I don’t have to pay for?   It pays for diet counseling. In case you haven't noticed, our country is now a country of fatties. The United States will now pay for a counselor to tell you to put down that Pop Tart and go outside for a walk. If we can put a man on the moon, we can put you back into a pair 34 inch waist jeans. It also pays for Tobacco Screening, just in case you don’t know if you are a cigarette smoker.

What are my birth control benefits?  You get a poster of Harry Reid to put on your bedroom wall. That should get you out of the mood.

Why did insurance companies use “pre-existing conditions” to deny people coverage?  Because they were mean and they hated people. It has nothing to do with the fact that all insurance is based on one word, "risk", and that there is more "risk" involved with health insurance than in any other type of insurance.

What is it with the website?  The internet is part of the magical information super highway and it is very difficult to understand. Try dragging your mouse while you are standing on your chair and hit the side of your computer a couple of times. It might work then. If not, please feel free to call our convicted felons navigators and give your private information like your social security, when you are not at home and where you keep your valuables.

The President said if I liked my policy, I could keep it. Period. Now I have found that my insurance policy has been canceled. What gives?  Look, the President says a lot of things and you can’t hold him to a promise he made on his signature legislation.  It was not the President’s intention to have your insurance policy canceled. He was as surprised as your were. Really. No joke (suddenly the Affordable Care Act Answer Man looks up into the air and starts to whistle)

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Going, Going, Gone

Never thought the words you said were true
Never thought you said just what you meant
Never knew how much I needed you
Never thought you'd leave, until you went
~ Kasim Reed  Don McLean

You probably have heard by now that The Atlanta Braves are doing what it seems like everybody on earth has done one time or another: move to Cobb County.

I must admit it; I was shocked and awed by the news. I have never thought about The Braves moving out of Turner Field, which just opened 16 years ago. In comparison to Atlanta Fulton County Stadium, Turner Field was The Taj Mahal.

Even if it was on the dumpy side, I had a spot in my heart for The Atlanta Fulton County Stadium. It was the first place I had ever saw a baseball game: Pirates vs. The Braves in 1967. I sat right up in the top row. I was at the game that Morganna  The Kissing Bandit (she was a , um, blessed stripper, who would run out on the field and kiss ball players) planted one right on Clete Boyer’s mouth. This caused Mr. Boyer to have a walk off home run. I have never seen a smile that big on a baseball player’s face as when he was rounding third base.

It was the stadium in which I took my wife when we were courting. It was there I saw and said hello to the legendary Harry Caray. Our seats were above the WGN booth. I looked down and there he was, reading his mail. I said, “Hey Harry”. He looked, smiled and waved. I told my wife to say hello. When she said “Hey Harry”, he looked and said, “Howa ya doin’ doll?” I will never forget Harry Caray calling my wife "doll".

But The Olympics came to town and we had to build The Olympic Stadium for the world. After the Olympics, The Olympic Stadium was retooled to become a new baseball field and The Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium became a parking lot.

Even though it was new, Turner Field had the systemic problems as the old stadium. It was in a rough part of town (featuring Atlanta's finest winos, junkies, pan handlers and thugs) that was a gigantic pain in the butt to get in and out of.  It was that way in 1966. It was that way in 1976. It was that way in 1986. It was that way in 1996. It was that way in 2006. The City of Atlanta had almost 50 years to solve the problem of traffic and the safety issue but Atlanta never saw it as a big deal. Just a bunch a hicks from the sticks complaining about life in the big city.

The great planners of MARTA, the rapid transit system of Atlanta, put the nearest train station a half of a mile from the stadium. Sometimes they would have buses. Sometimes they would not. I’m sure The Braves noticed that MARTA has a station at The Georgia Dome and Philips Arena.

I remember the last time I went to Turner Field, I took my son, who had just “graduated” fifth grade (to show you how long ago it was) to a game with a set of free tickets given to us by some friends. It cost me ten dollars to park. We were waiting to cross the street when a entrepreneur wanted to sell me his “last” action pictures of The Braves. I told him. “How much will it cost to make you go away?” Seven dollars. We had to eat supper. Twenty dollars. Two hot dogs and two soft drinks.  A monsoon hit in the first hour causing a two hour rain delay. We didn't stay.

Atlanta’s mayor, Kasim Reed, seemed to be as surprised as everyone else. At first, he said it wasn’t a “done deal”when it was obvious it was as done as a Waffle House steak.  Then he held a news conference in which he made this startling announcement: The City of Atlanta is fiscally conservative. This means they use coupons when they bring a Ferris Wheel into town.

Mayor Reed acted like he had no clue that The Braves were unhappy. He moved heaven and earth (almost literally) to ensure The Falcons had a new stadium. When it came to The Braves, the Mayor began channeling his inner Paul Ryan and started talking about budgets.

Actually, Mayor Reed was just following the script that all of the mayors have followed since Ivan Allen. If you build it, they will come and they will just have to put up with it. The Braves got tired of that and took their ball to the land of The Big Chicken, which is only about five miles away from where the new stadium will be.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Lady And The Fat Man

In case you missed it, we now have our nominees for the 2016 Presidential election.

For the Democrats  the nominee will be Former Secretary of State First Lady Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton because twenty-five years of the Clintons is just not enough. Who is her competition? Joe Biden? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to Joe Biden, woo, woo, woo? Not  going to happen.

The reason for Clinton’s nomination is simple. She was kind enough to “let” President Obama win in 2008 and she was kind enough to “serve” as Secretary of State. It is her turn to be historic, thank you, so shut up and elect her President for eight years.

Clinton’s positives: The largest collection of pant suits in the Western Hemisphere.  She can go days without washing her hair. She has a really big brain and a really big imagination (see Benghazi).

Clinton’s negatives: We have seen this movie before. Do we really want Bill unsupervised in the East Wing? Do we really want to get an invitation that reads, “The First Gentleman Invites You To The White House Christmas Decorations Tour and Wet T-Shirt Party Sponsored By Hooters of DC”?

This week, the BIG news was that Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey became the HEAVY favorite to win the Republican nomination despite his obese, plump, pudgy, husky, paunchy, whalelike, gargantuan, roly-poly, oversized, fleshy, large, inflated frame. Governor Christie is fat. How fat is he? He is so fat that they took of picture of him last week and it is still printing. He is so fat that not even Dora could explore him. He is so fat that when he gets on a scale it says “To be continued”. He is fat.

He would be the first fat President since William Howard Taft. Let me tell you, President Taft was fat. He was so fat that when he went to the movies he sat next to EVERYONE. He was so fat that he ate Wheat Thicks. He was so fat that when he went to a restaurant he would just look at the menu and say “Okay”.  He was a fat man.

Christie won re-election as the Governor of New Jersey despite the fact that most of New Jersey sees The GOP as some sort of snake handling church. Christie won all of the major demographics that Republicans generally don’t win including single women, women in “complicated” relationships, women in love with Gay men, transgendered male Eskimo lesbians with Hispanic surnames and the people that understood the song, “What Does The Fox Say?” the first time they heard it.  

Christie’s positives: He’s outspoken. He will tell you what he thinks, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense. He likes Bruce Springsteen (the old good stuff-not the past 20 years stuff). He has survived The Tenth Avenue freeze out. He's been to a lot of  great restaurants. We may be able to settle the great Dunkin Donut/Krsipy Kreme debate that has been tearing this country apart. He may actually be a Democrat.

               Scooter and The Big Man busting the city in half

Christie’s negatives: He’s really fat. Did you know that? You don’t want him coming to your house and sitting on your furniture.  Plus, and this can not be stressed enough, he is from New Jersey and may be in The Mafia. His cabinet will have a lot of men named "Petey" and "Paulie".  His press secretary will be called Jimmy Two Times: "The President will make a speech, make a speech".  He may actually be a Democrat.

                           President Christie's Press Secretary

Sunday, November 3, 2013

What Women Want

“What do women want?” ~ Sigmund Freud
“Who cares?” ~ Roger Sterling


It should be pretty obvious by now, after thousands and thousands of years of courtship, that men have no idea when it comes to the subject of women. Yes, we do understand the infield fly rule and how a third basemen can obstruct a runner even if he didn’t mean to, but when it comes to the fairer sex, men have no clue.

Women have a list of  rules that they expect men to know, even if it wasn't published anywhere and  they were raised in a male hot house, like I was. I spent a good part of my youth trying to understand women; primarily why they liked handsome, smart athletic types and not someone who tells a really good joke.

Unfortunately for me, I was raised before the internet. My guide to understanding women was Alan Alda and The Phil Donahue Show. But now there is a website called ChaCha which has posted an article titled “How You Can Non-Sexually Turn Her On." This article gives men “tips” on understanding women. Think of it as a tutorial for all of the trousered apes out there. (The article should have been titled “How To Treat A Woman As A Human Being And Avoid Having Her Call The Police”.)  

Here are some of the tips.

Woo Her With Eye Contact. As odd as it may seem, women like you looking into their eyes. This means you are paying attention to them and you are not just checking out other areas of the body, which of course, you are, because you are a pig. The eyes are found on her face which is north of what you are usually looking at.

Be Chivalrous. This means being polite and doing things like opening the doors and paying for the date. Ladies like it because it shows you care! Showing you care is really big with women. For example, if you do become engaged to a woman, she will take you to look at silverware and china patterns like you have ever given two nano seconds of thought to either one. But, you have to show you care.

Listen When She Talks. This tip comes with a bit of advice: “Maintain eye contact” (see the first tip). “Nod and smile/frown, depending on what she is saying” (Hint: if she says, “I’ve just won an Oscar”, you smile. You frown if she says, “I got black balled by my sorority”.  Good news = smile. Bad news = frown. Got it?)

Give Her Classy Compliments This is where it has become obvious that we live in a post apocalyptic world. Young men actually have to be given advice as to what to say to a woman. It tells young men not to tell a woman she has a “Nice Rack” even if she has one.  For some reason, women find this offensive, particularly if you say it in front of their parents, grandparents or clergy. ChaCha says, “Tell her that she looks nice in her dress or that she has a pretty smile.” You might want to mention that you enjoy listening to her.

Show Your Emotions. Women actually like the fact that men have other emotions instead of anger. For some reason, they want to see you cry. BUT, it cannot be over something like The Notebook. You might be able to shed a few tears over Old Yeller. She also wants to know about your dreams, like you want to be a Rock Star/Football Player/Baseball Player all at the same time even though you can’t play the guitar and you are as athletic as a bowling ball.

                                         I'm feeling a little verklempt

Don't Be Controlling. I’ve run across several men over the years that have tried to control their wives. I call them “Divorcees”.  Women do not want you to control them because they know you are stupid and have the emotional intelligence of a baboon.  
There you have it young men-you now know what women want. They want you to act like you have some sense. You might want to consider acting lessons.

Don't Be Controlling
Don't Be Controlling