Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
peanut butter enrobed in fudge”. What a great phrase: “enrobed in fudge” It is almost as good as “wrapped in bacon”.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Last week, the student athletes of the University of Georgia played the students athletes of the University of Missouri. This was very important game for Missouri because it was their first game as a member of The Southeastern Conference against a fellow conference member.
Well, Georgia won the game. The blog, Outkick The Coverage posted a picture of a Georgia fan (WARNING! WARNING! FRANK ADULT LANGUAGE) having make-believe carnal knowledge with the statue of the Missouri Tiger. The one thing you can’t take from UGA fans is their class. The fan looked like a white Caucasian male that was not a student. He looked old enough to know better but too drunk to care.
Rest assured, I would say a good 98% of the UGA fan base would not condone grown men having pretend sex with statues of other schools’ mascots. The problem is the 2% and they travel. Sorry they didn’t mention that in any of the meetings about joining the conference.
This Week’s Picks!
College Willing to Hurt Their Students For Money vs. The Dawgs: The mighty Florida Atlantic Owls fly to Athens to pick up a paycheck and to lose of few teeth. Who’s going to beat the Bulldogs? Not FAU. Dawgs win.
Bees vs. Ol’ Virginny: Tech is getting their Virginia schools out of the way early this year. Last year, UVA defeated Tech and you know Coach Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy has been thinking about it ever since. He’s come up with a game plan: Tech will run The Triple Option. You heard it here first. Tech wins.
Tide of Crimson vs. Piggies: Last week, The University of Louisiana That’s In Monroe or Shreveport defeated Arkansas. I know your reaction was the same as mine (HA, HA, HA, HA, HA). For years, I refused to pick Arkansas for a win because their head coach was Bobby Petrino. It might interest you to know that the name “Petrino” is Italian for “Ape Feces”. That’s why at the Rome Zoo, you always hear, “Hey, that monkey just threw some Petrino at me. HEY! BODABOOM BODABING”. Last spring, Arkansas fired Petrino because he hired a hot blonde which caused him to wreck his motorcycle and his marriage. Meanwhile, Bama defeated Western Kentucky Where My Parents Were Born by a billion points. They’ll win again. Bama wins.
Evil Lane vs. The Trees: I hate USC and Lane Kiffin. Like all people washed in the blood of the Lamb, I want Stanford to win. They won’t. USC wins.
The Short Drunken Fighting Stereotypes vs. Sparty: Does anyone really understand Notre Dame’s semi-kinda-sorta football affiliation with the Atlantic Coast Conference? The last time I checked, Notre Dame was in Indiana and nowhere near the Atlantic Coast and/or Ocean. You would have thought they would have joined a conference that is located in the Midwest, like, oh, The Big Ten. Anyway, I look forward to the Notre Dame-Duke football games. Michigan State is a way better team than Our Lady. Michigan State wins.
Reptiles vs. Orange Pants: This is a big game for Tennessee. It is so big that they may wear a Black Helmets. Really. Who in the world thinks this is good idea? Anyway, Derek’s Dudes have performed well so far this season and a win against Florida would help Derek get that validation he so desperately needs from his Mother. Tennessee wins.
Ave Maria vs. Birmingham Southern: Our old pal, Cole Rudder plays for Birmingham Southern which enters this game ranked 18th in Division 3. They should defeat Ave Maria, which was founded by the guy who started Domino’s Pizza. I always get hungry when I read about this school. Birmingham-Southern wins.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
The Democratic National Convention is being held this week and there has been this effort to reintroduce President Obama to the American people. Mrs Obama spoke, with great effect, about what a swell guy the President is just like Mrs. Romney did last week. Except Mrs. Romney spoke about her husband, Mitterjohn “Mitt” Romney. Mrs. Romney said Mitt was, now get this, a great guy and that he’s only given cancer to a couple of women with his Latter Day Saint Cancer Rays.
What cracks me up, especially about the Democrats, is the on one hand, The President is the greatest thing since sliced bread but on the other hand he's just a regular guy that has struggled like you and me. “When Barack was growing up, his family didn’t have remote control TV. No, he had to get up and walk over to the TV set and turn a knob to find a channel. And there wasn’t a 24 hour sports network. No, he had to wait until Saturday before he could watch any sports. And he only had one Coke to choose from. If he wanted a Diet Coke, he had to drink a Tab.”
This Week’s Picks!
Dawgs vs. Misery: This is Missouri’s first SEC conference game. Even though Missouri is west of the Mississippi in what is commonly called the Midwest, they are in the Eastern Division of The SEC. The SEC is good at football, not so hot in geography. Missouri is going to be up for the game, but UGA is just a better team. Georgia wins.
Bees vs. The Frozen Chosen: Georgia Tech almost beat Virginia Tech even though they wore weird looking helmets. The rest of the schedule is going to be easier for Tech starting this week with Presbyterian College whose starting quarterback is Tim Keller (ha, ha, just a little Presbyterian humor). Tech is predestined to win.
Wartigers vs. The Other Dogs: In their home opener last week against Jackson State, Mississippi State had some Division One BCS Student-Athletes fall down like a deck of cards after running through the artificial smoke at the start of the game. I guess they need to do more “run on to the field” drills. Meanwhile, Auburn lost last week to a team coached by a man named “Dabo”. MSU wins
Downtown School vs. Lil’ Dooley: Georgia State’s head coach, Bill Curry played for Bobby Dodd, Vince Lombardi, and Don Shula while being the center for quarterbacks like Bart Starr and Johnny Unitas. Tennessee’s head coach, Derek Dooley, wears orange pants. Tennessee wins.
Bamy vs. Directional Kenyucky: One of the producers of a sports talk radio show here in Atlanta is such a big Bama fan that he has to take Xanax before an Alabama football game. If he has to take one before this game, he needs an intervention. Bama wins.
Ellessyou vs. Wooshington: If you want, you can pay money to belong to The ESPN Insider which features an article titled, “Washington’s mission versus LSU”. I’ll save you some money-Washington’s mission is to stay alive. LSU wins.
Turkeys vs. Austin Peay: Virginia Tech is helping out little old Austin Peay, a smaller school in Tennessee. Yes, Peay is pronounced “Pea” and their cheer is “Lets go Peay”. Really. Here is what is interesting: Austin Peay was a popular Governor of Tennessee who died in office. He was succeeded by the Lt. Governor, Irwin Nation of Yellow River, Tennessee. Governor Peay’s daughter, Ida, married Horace Freeley. She was known as “Ida Peay-Freeley”. Where was I? Oh, the game: Virginia Tech wins.
Georgia Southern vs. The Citadel: The tweet of the football season came from “Erk Russell Statue” (name for the bust of the legendary coach of Georgia Southern Erk Russell). It said, “Sweating my brass off”. Georgia Southern (Alma Mater: “Red Solo Cup”) won with ease last week. They’ll do the same this week. Eagles win.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Dog Whistle: type of political speech using code words that appear to mean one thing to the general population but have a different meaning for a targeted part of the audience. (Taegan-Goddard’s Political Dictionary) Only one news network, MSNBC, had to the guts to expose the Dog Whistles at last week’s Republican National Convention. However, they can only do so much and a couple of speeches slipped by without the analysis that only MSNBC can give. So, as a public service, Humor Me, has submitted a speech given at the Republican National Convention to MSNBC for their insights. MSNBC’s comments are in bold type.
Let me tell you about the America I know. [Oh sure, a lilly white ‘Leave It To Beaver’ ‘Merica] My parents immigrated to the U.S. with ten dollars in their pocket[You would think if you are going to new place to live you would take more than ten bucks, just saying], believing that the America they had heard about really did exist. [Don’t worry; it doesn’t. It is filled with racist homophobic plutocratic theocrats. Plus, in many parts of the country you can’t find a good pizza after 2:00 am] When times got tough they didn't look to Washington, they looked within. [That’s because they are not very smart and do not believe in Science.]
So the America I came to know was centered in personal responsibility and filled with the American dream. [This is mean. Because we at MSNBC Dog Whistle Central said so]]
The America I know is grounded in the determination found in patriots and pioneers, in small business owners with big ideas, in the farmers who work in the beauty of our landscape, in our heroic military and Olympians. It's in every child who looks at the seemingly impossible and says, "I can do that." That is the America I know! [There is also a ‘Merica of bigots, homophobes, rapists, felons, Mormons with deadly cancer rays and brainiac Cheeseheads with washboard abs]
President Obama's version of America is a divided one — pitting us against each other based on our income level, gender, and social status. His policies have failed! We are not better off than we were 4 years ago, and no rhetoric, bumper sticker, or campaign ad can change that. [Our fact checkers have entered this paragraph into the MSNBC Fact Checker 3000 computer and have found that this paragraph to be LIES, ALL LIES! Turn your eyes from these words this instant!]
Mr. President I am here to tell you we are not buying what you are selling in 2012. [As we said before, this is a racist bigoted individual that would rather see the planet burn up than have the wealthiest among us pay their fair share. This person wants to see female law school students pay for their own contraceptives. How can the smartest among us release a little steam by getting busy if they have to worry about getting pregnant? That’s just mean]
The American Dream is our story. It is a story of human struggle, standing up and striving for more. It's been told for over 200 years with small steps and giant leaps; from a woman on a bus to a man with a dream; and the bravery of the greatest generation, to the entrepreneurs of today. [No, the American Dream was always a fantasy because all of the Richie Rich frat boys who made their money by ripping off the poor and spent it on swimming pools and movie stars.]
This is our story. This is the America we know because we built it. [There you go again lying about what the President said and taking it totally out of context. Look, you can get to work if there isn’t a road. Duh!]
With Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan we can restore the America we know and love. [Yeah, with Homophobic Uptight Southern White People in charge. Plus, Romney wants to give money to the richest people so they can set fire to it in their backyards. Paul Ryan lies about his marathon time. How can you trust anything that comes out of his mouth after that? It is not like he lied in his own autobiography-that is different. That is artistic license.]
The world will know it, our children will tell it and our grandchildren will possess it for years to come! God bless America! [Oh well, another reactionary speech by a white Republican.]
This is the speech given by Mia Love, a female non-white Republican candidate for Congress. [She must have mental issues.]