Wednesday, September 26, 2012

This Week's Picks

This doesn’t have anything to do with football, but I was sad to hear about the death of Andy Williams. Anyone around my age associates Andy Williams with the song, “Moon River”, which was one of the last great ballads and Christmas. He had that great but odd song, “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year”, which spoke of a great Christmas tradition of “telling scary ghost stories”. I never knew anyone who told ghost stories during Christmas. I shudder to think of the scary ghost stories I would have heard growing up in Georgia.  Before we read the second chapter of Luke, I would like to tell you the story of The Hook Man of Blood Mountain. ..”

Andy Williams was a part of the generation of entertainers that shaved, combed their hair, and wore sweaters.  That generation is gone and we’re left with entertainers like Madonna who promises to strip naked if the President is re-elected.  Andy Williams may have been a fuddy-duddy, but he was a classy fuddy-duddy.

This Week’s Picks!

Rocky Bottom vs. Big Dogs:  Do you ever get the feeling that Derek Dooley has already posted his resume on “Young Head Coach Seeks New Career Opportunities That Doesn’t Include Wearing Orange Pants. References include Nick Satan and My Pappy. Plus, my mom.” If the Volunteers had lost to Akron, he would have been ridden out on the rails. UGA wins.

Raiders of Blue vs. Blue Bees: The famous Manis Jinx hit Georgia Tech hard last week. I said Georgia Tech might not lose a game for the rest of the year. Silly me; I get “lose” and “win” mixed up sometimes. Hey, Tech is just a play or two away from being 4-0 instead of 2-2 and I’m only 12 inches away from being 6’6”.   Tech hosts a money game for Middle Tennessee State, whose motto is “The only major university near The Slick Pig”.  Tech wins.

Baptist Bears vs. Almost Heaven? West Virginia? Baylor was the third college in a row to be roughed up by The University of Louisiana Interstate 20 last week. Anyway, they play West Virginia. Pray for them-it won’t be pretty. West Virginia wins.

Urban Ohio vs. Meechigan State: Don’t you just hate Big Ten Football this year?   Nobody seems all that good and Urban Meyer is back. Ohio State wins.

Texsas vs. T.Boone State:  Does it bother anyone but me that The Longhorns have their own television network? Oh, sorry, there were a lot of people.  Texas is supposedly the better team. Oklahoma State is the alma mater of the guy that fixes my computer.  SUPER TWP UPSET SPECIAL- The Cowboys win.

Samford vs. Georgia Southern:  The Bulldogs of Samford make the 15 hour ride from one state over to play  Georgia Southern (College Anthem: “I Gotta Get Drunk and I Sure Do Dread It”). Samford is 4-0. It’ll be a tough game. Eagles win.

THE TWP DIVISION THREE SUPER SPOTLIGHT GAME OF THE WEEK: Louisiana College vs. Howard Payne: Has it really been 12 years since my other Alma Mater brought football back to campus?  LC had a good year last year and now play Howard Payne. Who was Howard Payne? I have no idea, but he has a university named after him despite his middle name of “Isa”  (I’ve laughed at that joke for 36 years).  LC wins.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

This Week's Picks

 The TWP Division III Spotlight Game of The Week  is the John Carroll University Carolers versus the Otterbein University Otters in The Kind of Sort of Battle for Ohio.  John Carroll is "recognized as a leading institution of higher education”. It happens to him all of the time. Someone points and says, “Hey, there’s a leading institution of higher education”.  Most famous alumnus of John Carroll is Don Shula, who is probably more recognized than John Carroll.

Otterbein University is a college whose mission is “to educate the whole person in a context that fosters the development of humane values”. Tuition is 30,658 smackers a year, so the least they could do is educate the whole person. The most famous alumnus of Otterbein is Gordon Jump, who played the radio station owner in the 70’s TV show “WKRP in Cincinnati”. It was Jump that uttered these immortal words, “As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”

This Week’s Picks!

Bullydogs vs. Commode Doors: Last year’s UGA-Vandy ended with an ugly  cuss fight between Vandy’s Head Coach James Franklin and Georgia’s Defensive Coordinator Todd Grantham. That has been the most physical UGA-Vanderbilt game since Olivia Newton-John was on the charts. Vandy is good…for Vandy. The Dawgs win.

The U vs. The Buzz: Remember when The University of Miami instilled fear in people? They were these thuggish thugs that went around thugging people. Those days are long gone. Tech may not lose a game the rest of year. Tech wins.

Go in Dumb-Come Out Dumb,Too vs. The Plainswartigers: Auburn almost lost to University of Louisiana I-20 last week. LSU is just looking for another soul to steal. Look for this game to get away from Gene real quick and listen for the phone calls to Bobby Petrino.  (“We’ll get you a moter sickle and a blonde of yer choice”) LSU wins.

Meechigan vs. Our Lady:  Notre Dame beat Meechigan State last week which always proves what Mee-Maw Manis used to say: “Don’t ever pick Meechigan State you dumb tard”. Mee-Maw Manis was a blunt woman. She also would say “I’ve hate Notre Dame ever since that Knute Rockne and all that ‘win one for the Gipper’ bullcorn.” I got to hand it to her, she knew her college football. Michigan wins.

Wildcants vs. Quackers:  In my humble opinion, Oregon is the best college football team outside of Tuscaloosa. However, I can only watch them for a few minutes because they are so fast they give me motion sickness. Arizona doesn’t have a chance. Oregon wins.

Georgia Southern vs. Elon:  A couple of weeks ago, the mighty Georgia Southern Eagles were defeated by the Citadel Lords of Discipline in a close game that caused the Georgia Southern faithful to spend a little extra time with their Old Grand Dad, if you catch my drift.. This week brings Elon. The Elon Commitment is “Engaged minds. Inspired leaders. Global Citizens.  The Georgia Southern Commitment is “Find beer. Pour in mouth.  Fall on ground.” The Eagles win.

Monday, September 17, 2012

The Ex

This may come as a shock to you, but I have recently ended a long term relationship. This relationship was not good for me, but I enjoyed every minute of it.

It was with Little Debbie.

For those of you not in the South, Little Debbie is the brand name of the cookie and cake based dessert snacks of McKee Foods in Collegedale, Tennessee. All of the snacks are good and they are inexpensive.  This is one of the reasons I loved them so.

During my son’s recreational baseball years, the kids’ parents were assigned a date to bring “after the game snacks”, even if the kids didn’t win their game. Since this was in West Cobb, where even bowel habits can become a form of heated competition (“I go 25 times a day and sometimes during staff meetings”), some parents would go overboard and serve Foie Gras after a game, complete with maids and butlers.  Of course, the cheapo Manis family’s after the game snacks would be a box of Little Debbie Oatmeal pies and a box of Capri Suns. (Nobody has ever stuck a straw into a Capri Sun on the first try. Not even Barack Obama or the Dos Equis Man)

I have given McKee Foods in Collegedale, Tennessee a lot of money over the years, particularly for the Nutty Bar, which sometimes I would eat for “lunch”. McKee Foods describes the Nutty Bar as “Classic crunchy wafer bars, full of the great taste of
peanut butter enrobed in fudge”. What a great phrase: “enrobed in fudge” It is almost as good as “wrapped in bacon”. 

I was going merrily along in life. Lori and me and Little Debbie makes three. Then last year, I had my yearly physical, which I dread for all of the usual reasons. I have a great doctor, but he insists on during the “Moon River” exam (he does something and I suddenly sing “Moon River”-obscure Fletch reference) and has never once offered to buy dinner me afterwards. In years past, the annual physical has led to a couple of prescriptions, a surgery, and a cardiac catheterization. This time, he only asked me to lose some weight.

I have been trying to lose weight for years, but it is difficult because everything in the year revolves around food.  January: New Years = Food. February: Super Bowl and Valentines Day = Food. March: Girl Scout Cookies. April: Our anniversary = Food. May: My wife’s birthday = Food. June: Vacation = Food. July: The Fourth = Food. August: My Birthday = Food. September: Football starts again = Food. October: Halloween. November: Thanksgiving. December: Christmas. Every time I would try to buckle down and diet, here comes a special occasion!

On top of that, as an Evangelical Christian, I don’t have a lot of real bad habits. I don’t smoke and chew or go with girls that do. I don’t drink adult beverages.  I don’t take drugs. You ever hear about somebody drinking a cup of coffee then running his car into a ditch? You never hear about a guy leaving his wife and kids because he has a bad doughnut habit.

Even though I go to the gym six days a week, I couldn’t lose any weight. Finally, it dawned on me that my diet is that of a 14 year old. I looked around and decided that Little Debbie was holding me back.   As much as I wanted to keep her around, I had to let her go.  One day, I stopped buying my Little Debbie snacks. It was a sad day for me. I have since lost about 14 pounds, mainly due to giving up Little Debbie Nutty Bars.

I don’t want some government official to regulate Little Debbie and her marvelous snacks. Never once during our relationship, did a box of Star Crunch (those are great), Banana Moon Pies, or Nutty Bars ever ring my doorbell and jump into my arms.  I don’t even think I have ever seen a Little Debbie advertisement. I always sought her out.

So if you see her, say hello.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

This Week's Picks

Last week, the student athletes of the University of Georgia played the students athletes of the University of Missouri. This was very important game for Missouri because it was their first game as a member of The Southeastern Conference against a fellow conference member.

Well, Georgia won the game. The blog, Outkick The Coverage posted a picture of a Georgia fan (WARNING! WARNING! FRANK ADULT LANGUAGE) having make-believe carnal knowledge with the statue of the Missouri Tiger. The one thing you can’t take from UGA fans is their class. The fan looked like a white Caucasian male that was not a student. He looked old enough to know better but too drunk to care.

Rest assured, I would say a good 98% of the UGA fan base would not condone grown men having pretend sex with statues of other schools’ mascots. The problem is the 2% and they travel. Sorry they didn’t mention that in any of the meetings about joining the conference.

This Week’s Picks!

College Willing to Hurt Their Students For Money vs. The Dawgs: The mighty Florida Atlantic Owls fly to Athens to pick up a paycheck and to lose of few teeth. Who’s going to beat the Bulldogs? Not FAU. Dawgs win.

Bees vs. Ol’ Virginny: Tech is getting their Virginia schools out of the way early this year. Last year, UVA defeated Tech and you know Coach Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy has been thinking about it ever since. He’s come up with a game plan: Tech will run The Triple Option. You heard it here first. Tech wins.

Tide of Crimson vs. Piggies: Last week, The University of Louisiana That’s In Monroe or Shreveport defeated Arkansas. I know your reaction was the same as mine (HA, HA, HA, HA, HA). For years, I refused to pick Arkansas for a win because their head coach was Bobby Petrino. It might interest you to know that the name “Petrino” is Italian for “Ape Feces”. That’s why at the Rome Zoo, you always hear, “Hey, that monkey just threw some Petrino at me. HEY! BODABOOM BODABING”. Last spring, Arkansas fired Petrino because he hired a hot blonde which caused him to wreck his motorcycle and his marriage. Meanwhile, Bama defeated Western Kentucky Where My Parents Were Born by a billion points. They’ll win again. Bama wins.

Evil Lane vs. The Trees: I hate USC and Lane Kiffin. Like all people washed in the blood of the Lamb, I want Stanford to win. They won’t. USC wins.

The Short Drunken Fighting Stereotypes vs. Sparty: Does anyone really understand Notre Dame’s semi-kinda-sorta football affiliation with the Atlantic Coast Conference? The last time I checked, Notre Dame was in Indiana and nowhere near the Atlantic Coast and/or Ocean. You would have thought they would have joined a conference that is located in the Midwest, like, oh, The Big Ten. Anyway, I look forward to the Notre Dame-Duke football games. Michigan State is a way better team than Our Lady. Michigan State wins.

Reptiles vs. Orange Pants: This is a big game for Tennessee. It is so big that they may wear a Black Helmets. Really. Who in the world thinks this is good idea? Anyway, Derek’s Dudes have performed well so far this season and a win against Florida would help Derek get that validation he so desperately needs from his Mother. Tennessee wins.

Ave Maria vs. Birmingham Southern: Our old pal, Cole Rudder plays for Birmingham Southern which enters this game ranked 18th in Division 3. They should defeat Ave Maria, which was founded by the guy who started Domino’s Pizza. I always get hungry when I read about this school. Birmingham-Southern wins.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

This Week's Picks

The Democratic National Convention is being held this week and there has been this effort to reintroduce President Obama to the American people. Mrs Obama spoke, with great effect, about what a swell guy the President is just like Mrs. Romney did last week. Except Mrs. Romney spoke about her husband, Mitterjohn “Mitt” Romney. Mrs. Romney said Mitt was, now get this, a great guy and that he’s only given cancer to a couple of women with his Latter Day Saint Cancer Rays.

What cracks me up, especially about the Democrats, is the on one hand, The President is the greatest thing since sliced bread but on the other hand he's just a regular guy that has struggled like you and me. “When Barack was growing up, his family didn’t have remote control TV. No, he had to get up and walk over to the TV set and turn a knob to find a channel. And there wasn’t a 24 hour sports network. No, he had to wait until Saturday before he could watch any sports. And he only had one Coke to choose from. If he wanted a Diet Coke, he had to drink a Tab.

This Week’s Picks!

Dawgs vs. Misery: This is Missouri’s first SEC conference game. Even though Missouri is west of the Mississippi in what is commonly called the Midwest, they are in the Eastern Division of The SEC. The SEC is good at football, not so hot in geography. Missouri is going to be up for the game, but UGA is just a better team. Georgia wins.

Bees vs. The Frozen Chosen: Georgia Tech almost beat Virginia Tech even though they wore weird looking helmets. The rest of the schedule is going to be easier for Tech starting this week with Presbyterian College whose starting quarterback is Tim Keller (ha, ha, just a little Presbyterian humor). Tech is predestined to win.

Wartigers vs. The Other Dogs: In their home opener last week against Jackson State, Mississippi State had some Division One BCS Student-Athletes fall down like a deck of cards after running through the artificial smoke at the start of the game. I guess they need to do more “run on to the field” drills. Meanwhile, Auburn lost last week to a team coached by a man named “Dabo”. MSU wins

Downtown School vs. Lil’ Dooley: Georgia State’s head coach, Bill Curry played for Bobby Dodd, Vince Lombardi, and Don Shula while being the center for quarterbacks like Bart Starr and Johnny Unitas. Tennessee’s head coach, Derek Dooley, wears orange pants. Tennessee wins.

Bamy vs. Directional Kenyucky: One of the producers of a sports talk radio show here in Atlanta is such a big Bama fan that he has to take Xanax before an Alabama football game. If he has to take one before this game, he needs an intervention. Bama wins.

Ellessyou vs. Wooshington: If you want, you can pay money to belong to The ESPN Insider which features an article titled, “Washington’s mission versus LSU”. I’ll save you some money-Washington’s mission is to stay alive. LSU wins.

Turkeys vs. Austin Peay: Virginia Tech is helping out little old Austin Peay, a smaller school in Tennessee. Yes, Peay is pronounced “Pea” and their cheer is “Lets go Peay”. Really. Here is what is interesting: Austin Peay was a popular Governor of Tennessee who died in office. He was succeeded by the Lt. Governor, Irwin Nation of Yellow River, Tennessee. Governor Peay’s daughter, Ida, married Horace Freeley. She was known as “Ida Peay-Freeley”. Where was I? Oh, the game: Virginia Tech wins.

Georgia Southern vs. The Citadel: The tweet of the football season came from “Erk Russell Statue” (name for the bust of the legendary coach of Georgia Southern Erk Russell). It said, “Sweating my brass off”. Georgia Southern (Alma Mater: “Red Solo Cup”) won with ease last week. They’ll do the same this week. Eagles win.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Dog Whistles

Dog Whistle: type of political speech using code words that appear to mean one thing to the general population but have a different meaning for a targeted part of the audience. (Taegan-Goddard’s Political Dictionary) Only one news network, MSNBC, had to the guts to expose the Dog Whistles at last week’s Republican National Convention. However, they can only do so much and a couple of speeches slipped by without the analysis that only MSNBC can give. So, as a public service, Humor Me, has submitted a speech given at the Republican National Convention to MSNBC for their insights. MSNBC’s comments are in bold type.

Let me tell you about the America I know. [Oh sure, a lilly white ‘Leave It To Beaver’ ‘Merica] My parents immigrated to the U.S. with ten dollars in their pocket[You would think if you are going to new place to live you would take more than ten bucks, just saying], believing that the America they had heard about really did exist. [Don’t worry; it doesn’t. It is filled with racist homophobic plutocratic theocrats. Plus, in many parts of the country you can’t find a good pizza after 2:00 am] When times got tough they didn't look to Washington, they looked within. [That’s because they are not very smart and do not believe in Science.]

So the America I came to know was centered in personal responsibility and filled with the American dream. [This is mean. Because we at MSNBC Dog Whistle Central said so]]

The America I know is grounded in the determination found in patriots and pioneers, in small business owners with big ideas, in the farmers who work in the beauty of our landscape, in our heroic military and Olympians. It's in every child who looks at the seemingly impossible and says, "I can do that." That is the America I know! [There is also a ‘Merica of bigots, homophobes, rapists, felons, Mormons with deadly cancer rays and brainiac Cheeseheads with washboard abs]

President Obama's version of America is a divided one — pitting us against each other based on our income level, gender, and social status. His policies have failed! We are not better off than we were 4 years ago, and no rhetoric, bumper sticker, or campaign ad can change that. [Our fact checkers have entered this paragraph into the MSNBC Fact Checker 3000 computer and have found that this paragraph to be LIES, ALL LIES! Turn your eyes from these words this instant!]

Mr. President I am here to tell you we are not buying what you are selling in 2012. [As we said before, this is a racist bigoted individual that would rather see the planet burn up than have the wealthiest among us pay their fair share. This person wants to see female law school students pay for their own contraceptives. How can the smartest among us release a little steam by getting busy if they have to worry about getting pregnant? That’s just mean]

The American Dream is our story. It is a story of human struggle, standing up and striving for more. It's been told for over 200 years with small steps and giant leaps; from a woman on a bus to a man with a dream; and the bravery of the greatest generation, to the entrepreneurs of today. [No, the American Dream was always a fantasy because all of the Richie Rich frat boys who made their money by ripping off the poor and spent it on swimming pools and movie stars.]

This is our story. This is the America we know because we built it. [There you go again lying about what the President said and taking it totally out of context. Look, you can get to work if there isn’t a road. Duh!]

With Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan we can restore the America we know and love. [Yeah, with Homophobic Uptight Southern White People in charge. Plus, Romney wants to give money to the richest people so they can set fire to it in their backyards. Paul Ryan lies about his marathon time. How can you trust anything that comes out of his mouth after that? It is not like he lied in his own autobiography-that is different. That is artistic license.]

The world will know it, our children will tell it and our grandchildren will possess it for years to come! God bless America! [Oh well, another reactionary speech by a white Republican.]

This is the speech given by Mia Love, a female non-white Republican candidate for Congress. [She must have mental issues.]