Thursday, September 14, 2017

This Week's Picks




This week started out pretty rough. Hurricane Irma hit Florida and left it in a mell of a hess as we Baptists say.  It was so bad that Georgia Tech canceled their game with the University of Central Florida. When was the last time you ever heard of a football game being canceled?

Irma was a "tropical storm" when it hit the Atlanta area. It caused a lot of trees to fall. This means power lines were knocked out. This means homes were left without electricity.

Everywhere except where I live in Cobb County.  The wind blew and it rained but nobody lost trees in my neighborhood. My power stayed on during the entire storm. While all of Atlanta was sitting in the dark, I was at Lowe's picking out tile for my wife's bathroom.

Sorry.

Funny, every time I hear about a hurricane, I think about Jimmy Buffett's "Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season".


           Squalls out on the gulf stream, big storm coming soon
           I passed out in my hammock
          God, I slept till way past noon.

           I stood up and tried to focus, I knew I wouldn't have to look far
           I knew I could use a Bloody Mary,
           So I stumbled next door to the bar. 


There's a lot of people in Texas and Florida trying to reason with Hurricane season. We need to remember them with our prayers and financial support.  Sermon's over.




This Week's Picks!




Big Bad Bulldogs vs Baptist Bulldogs: Just in case you didn't hear, UGA went up to South Bend and beat (by one point)  mighty highfalutin Notre Freakin' Dame.  Anytime anyone beats the Passive-Aggressive Irish (they no longer "fight" since they had an intervention), it is a time of great rejoicing. Particularly this time, when Jawja didn't seem to melt underneath the big lights. They are hosting Samford, which beat my beloved Owls in the longest game ever in the history of college football (technically, it is still being played.)   UGA is just too big.  Georgia wins.

 


Rocky Topped vs Reptiles:  To me, the Tennessee-Florida game really begins the football season. Tennessee somehow beat Georgia Tech while Florida looked bad in the ONE GAME WE WANTED THEM TO LOOK GOOD IN.  I guess Florida is the "better" team. But I'm not sure. I'm going out on a limb and picking Tennessee, but you know, whatever.  Tennessee wins.






Rock Rubbing Tigers vs Lousyville:  Another Confession-I've never really cared for Clemson that much.  I don't get the Orange and Purple stuff. And rubbing the rock as you run down hill. What is that about?  (That is a rhetorical question-please don't answer it.)   However, I really want Clemson to win because Louisville is coached by the spawn of Satan (the real one), Bobby Petrino.  Do you realize Lousiville is Petrino's third coaching job since he left the Falcons ten years ago?  The Lord will answer my prayers and smite Bobby Petrino.   Clemson wins




Ellesyew vs Other Bulldogs:  Here's a story from the History of The State of Louisiana  textbook that all of the seventh graders study in Baton Rouge.  "Years ago, when Boudreaux was a college freshman, being fresh off the farm, and a rather healthy young man, he figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch dis," Boudreaux told him, and proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"  "Sure I can run," said Boudreaux. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" exclamed the excited coach. "But can you pass a football?" Boudreaux rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds.  "Coach," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."   LSU wins




My Beloved Owls vs The Hornets:  If you remember, a couple of weeks ago, an influential Kennesaw State backer, advised President Olens to revoke my diploma because I picked Samford to defeat Kennesaw State.  I am happy to report my diploma is still on the wall.   It will be safe for at least another week.  Kennesaw State wins.


Thursday, September 7, 2017

This Week's Picks!


It is not a coincidence that people have been looking forward to this college football season.

For one thing, have you gone to the movies lately?  No?  Well, you're not alone because this summer has been terrible for Hollywood, box office-wise.

There are several reasons for this. One, the movies suck. Two, the movies suck.  Three, the movies suck bad. Four, the movies based on comic books really suck.

This is how bad it is:  my wife and I went to see Despicable Me 3.  Okay, it is a cartoon, but at least it wasn't a sequel to a movie based on a Disney World ride or anything out of "The Marvel Universe".

We missed the matinee. We had to pay the full ticket price. Fortunately, there were loan officers available and we qualified for a Home Equity Line of credit so we could see the movie and get some popcorn.

Verdict:  Despicable Me 3 was okay. Too much Steve Carrell. Not enough Minions.





This Week's Picks!



Our Puppies vs Our Lady:  Generally, UGA doesn't play a marquee game until the last couple of weeks of September. But this time, uncharacteristically, The Dawgs are playing The Fighting Ethnic Stereotypes in South Bend.  Georgia's starting quarterback, Jacob Eason, got hurt in the App State game. Here's what Paul Finebaum says:  "That's a big blow," (Easton's injury). "His replacement, Jacob Fromm was playing high school football a year ago. He's very talented. But Eason won big games last year. He won two on the final possession. Trust me, I am bald headed and wear glasses"   Not to argue with Paul Finebaum, but Eason lost big games last year, too.  Eason was the tenth out of the twelve ranked quarterback last year in the SEC. Sure, you want someone with experience playing in a "big game" like this, but I'm not sure it would make a difference one way or another this year as long as Chubb and Michel are there. Dawgs win.




Wrecked vs Gaming Birds From The Mythical State of Jacksonville:  The Bees welcome Jacksonville State, which is neither in Jacksonville or is a state. You never know about JSU. They gave Auburn fits a couple of years ago. But I just don't see Tech losing this game, but then again, they had 535 rushing yard against Tennessee and still lost.  Tech wins

Georgia Tech Coach Paul Johnson, Tuesday Morning.


 War Eagletigers vs Orange Tigers: The Whatever they are called this week from Auburn travel to The 2016 NCAA Champions Clemson Tigers. Here's a joke for you: Q. What do the Auburn Tigers and Billy Graham have in common?  A: They both can make 75,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.   That's the kind of knee slapping humor you've come to expect from This Week's Picks.  Auburn whooped up on Georgia Southern last week.  Clemson killed Kent State (which is not a state, either).  I just think Clemson is a better than Auburn.  Clemson wins



Sooner or Later, You'll Leave Oklahoma vs Ahia State. I have never liked either one of these schools (Oklahoma or Ohio State). I'm not sure why. They never did anything to me. I've known alumni from both schools and they were very nice people. By the way, did you hear how the Buckeye fan died from drinking milk?  The cow fell on him. (Or maybe that was the Oklahoma fan?)  Anyway, Ohio State wins.



The Place Where I Send My Parents Plus Loans vs The New Hampshire is Same As The Old Hampshire:  Georgia Southern (School Song: "Yes, I Guess, They Ought To Name A Drink After You") welcome the New Hampshire Snowplows Wildcats to Paulson Stadium. I would love to see the face of The New Hampshire players as they drive up from the Savannah airport. "What ahre these wicked swarhamin' things around my face?" The famous South Georgia gnats are Georgia Southern's  secret weapon.  Georgia Southern wins




My Beloved Owls vs Hillbilly Tech:  Last week, my beloved alma mater played the opening game of the season at Samford.  It had a twelve-hour storm delay (give or take a couple of hours). I picked Samford to win because my liberal arts edumacation at Kennesaw State taught me to look objectively at issues and base my conclusions on facts.   I got this response on Facebook from Caric Martin, who was recently elected to The Owls Sports Hall of Fame and whose father taught my Economics class. (I made a B, yeah come on.)  Caric said, "Alan, this is President Olens when I told him that an alumni had picked Samford to win. I suggested he revoke your diploma!"   Thanks, Caric, I knew I could count on you.  Owls win.




Wednesday, August 30, 2017

This Week's Picks!


It is that time of year again!  Time for our favorite professional sport, college football!

This marks the fifteenth year of "This Week's Picks".

It started on Wheeler Alumni. Com, which was a message board for the graduates of my alma mater, Wheeler High School.  I posted predictions on what I thought was the most interesting games and my fellow alumni would comment. Usually, their comments were along the lines of "You're stupid".

Due to something I never really understood, this message board went into hiatus for several years and I migrated  TWP (as it is known in the business) to Wheeler Alumni. Org another message board for the graduates of my high school. To my knowledge, it was the last Wheeler Alumni message board. There's not a Wheeler Alumni. Net or Wheeler Alumni. Gov.  Not yet, at least.

It was at.Org that I did my most ambitious TWP project.  I made predictions on all of the Bowl Games in 2007.  Do you know how many Bowl Games there were in 2007?  A lot and I got some of them right. Now I missed a lot, but I didn't care.  The reason I didn't care is I had what is clinically known as Heiney Surgery. You would be surprised how little you care about The Meineke Car Care Bowl when you have Heiney Surgery. (Wake Forest defeated Connecticut. I think I got that one right.)

TWP took another step forward when I added it to my blog (Humor Me) mainly because it counts as a weekly post.  In the first few years of my blog, TWP was one of my most commented on posts. Usually, again, it was "Your stupid"  (yes, I know, I misspelled "you're" but that's how we spell it nowadays)

Then, for some reason, I decided to move TWP to my Facebook page.  I received many comments to my Friday TWP Facebook post.  Mostly "U. R. Stoopid".

I finally brought it back to the blog where it belongs.

This Week's Picks!



Bullpuppies vs Crappy State: You could say Kirby Smart's first year as coach of UGA was a little bit disappointing, but give the guy credit: he guided the team back from a tough Nichols team!  The Dawgs start out with Appalachian State, who, if memory serves, stunned Michigan in the first game of the season in 2007.   Georgia better win. They will.  Georgia wins!


Bees vs Rocky Topped:  Coach Paul (Chuckles) Johnson leads The Wreck that Rambles into the new Please, Please Stay Falcons Stadium with a new quarterback and their best player being kicked off the team. This would be a problem if they were playing anybody else but Tennessee, who has not been exactly consistant over the past couple of years.   My rule of thumb: when the ACC plays the SEC, go with the SEC.  Tennessee wins!







Tide of Crimson vs Semi-noles  Remember those days when David Shula coached Bama and we were sure their glory days were behind them?  Good times.  Bama Coach Nick Satan has been planning for this game since  January 10th.  He has a process, you know.  Bama wins!





Wartigers vs The Blues of Statesboro:  Georgia Southern (motto: "I like beer. It makes me a jolly good fellow") travels to the loveliest village in the ugliest part of Alabama to pick up a pay check.  I wish The Eagles would make a game of it. They won't. Auburn wins.






Meechigan vs Lizards: Do you remember when people thought Jim Harbaugh was this real sharp guy? It's been a while. Anyway, Michigan plays Florida. Although I know many nice people that went to Florida, I dispise Florida, mainly because they always beat UGA. Michigan is a my favorite Big Ten team, even with Harbaugh.  I hate going with the Gators.  Florida wins!





 My Beloved Owls vs Baptist Bulldogs: Can you believe it is Kennesaw State's third football season? The Owls open their season against Samford, which supposedly houses a whole bunch of Baptists. Let us prey. Ha, Ha. See what I did there?   It would be a big deal if Kennesaw States wins. They won't.  Samford wins.

The Greatest Meme in the history of Memes














Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Josephine!


I think we can all agree that what happened in Charlottesville last week was a mess.

From the Neo-Nazis and J. Crew Ku Klux Klan kids to the Fascist Antifa to the Charlottesville Police being apparently at Dunkin Donuts to President Trump's attempt to calm the nation down by saying exactly the wrong words, it wasn't one of our brilliant, shining moments.

Could you imagine, Rev. Donald J. Trump, delivering a eulogy?

"Look, everybody knows the dearly departed drank way too much. His widow, look at her, she knows it. And he loved spending the family's rent money at the dog track.  Don't get me on his love for hookers. But, he was a great guy. Tremendous. Would do anything for you, if he was sober.  He leaves a wife, who isn't convincing anybody with those FAKE TEARS, a good for nothing son who needs a haircut, and a daughter who is really built." 

Apparently, all of this was started by marble. That's right, marble used for statues.

Charlottesville, which is home to The University of Virginia, decided to rename a park named after Confederate General Robert E. Lee and to remove his statue.  That brought out the Nazi Nuts (which used to open for The Dead Kennedys during the punk rock era) which brought out the Antifa (which stands for Anti-Fascists, and of course, their definition of fascism is very elastic).

In one of his many responses, President Trump noted that once you started tearing down statues of Robert E. Lee, people will soon go after George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.  To which, many said, "Thanks, we haven't thought about them!"

Of course, the Democratic Party, which should have the easiest job in the world (oppose whatever Trump supports) leaped into action. Forget about infrastructure!  Forget rising health insurance premiums. Forget North Korea!  We've got marble sculpted in the likeness of dead Southerners to get rid of!  Excelsior!

Last Thursday, our old pal Nancy Pelosi focused our attention on the hideous marble that lines Statutory Hall at the Capital.  Here's how The New York Times reported it with my comments parenthetically added.


“The Confederate statues in the halls of Congress have always been reprehensible", (If by "always" you mean you realized last week) Ms. Pelosi said, putting pressure on the House speaker, Paul D. Ryan of Wisconsin, to act.(Which he did by wetting his pants)“If Republicans are serious about rejecting white supremacy, I call upon Speaker Ryan to join Democrats to remove the Confederate statues from the Capitol immediately.” (Which were put in by Democrats in the first place, but don't even think about that.)

The New York Times showed photographs of the offensive statues and one of them was personal to me:  Joseph E. Wheeler.

My high school was named for this Confederate General. (By the way, did you know that my class is having our 40-year reunion despite the fact that all of my female classmates are still "foxy"? )   I have a picture, somewhere, of my wife posing next to the statue.

Here's what you need to know about Fighting Joe.

He was the shortest general in The Confederate Army.  He used a step stool to get on his horse. In a battle against Grant's Union Forces, General  Ulysses S. Grant urged his men to kill Wheeler.  Grant said, "Shoot low boys, he's riding a Shetland pony".

After the war, Wheeler went back to his home state of Alabama. He was so moved by his return, he wrote a poem, "Sweet Home Alabama".

However, war clouds soon rose again, and Wheeler rejoined the Army and served as a General during The Spanish-American War.

Wheeler made a startling announcement when he returned home:  he announced he was going to identify as a woman because he wants to have a baby.   He began to wear a dress and referred to himself as "Josephine Wheeler".

A Broadway musical will open this fall about him:  "JOSEPHINE!"   (The playbill features a man with a beard wearing a 1905 dress doing a high kick.)

Most of the "facts" reported above are not true.  But, it is probably the only way his statue would be able to stay in Statutory Hall.

By the way, the part about him being the shortest general is true. It is not confirmed that he used a step stool to mount his horse.



Sunday, August 13, 2017

Reunion FAQs


In case you didn't know, my class at Wheeler High School, the class of 1977 (Motto: "The Gum Of Yesterday Is Left Under The Desks Of Today For The Children Of Tomorrow") is having our 40-year class reunion.

You know what that means: reminiscing about our hard lives.

"Yeah, kids today, don't know what's it is like having to get your lazy rump off the couch to turn a knob to change a channel. It was rough back then. You only had three of them. ABC, NBC, and CBS. But we liked it. We loved it".

"Yeah, they don't know what's it is like NOT having a Dunkin Donuts and Baskin-Robbins at the same place."

"Yeah, back in my day you only had one type of coffee! Black! The way God designed it in the Bible. Not the four hundred types you have today. I don't even know what a Latte is-I hope I never find out".

I am a part of the Reunion Committee and we have been meeting monthly at a local down-home, meat and three restaurant ( Motto: "Pay No Attention To That Health Inspection Score") to organize the reunion.  I am happy to present a FAQ- Frequently Asked Questions regarding the reunion.


When:  It is October 14, 2017.  This is a Saturday.

Time:  7:00 pm - 11:00 pm

Where:  Hilton Atlanta Marietta Hotel and Conference Center, 500 Powder Springs Street. Marietta, GA 30064.     It is the same location as the 20-year reunion and the last place some of us tried, in 70's style, to "get down".

Pretty Snazzy
Cost: Tickets are $65.00 each UNTIL September 1st when the price will raise to...dun-dun. DUN...$70.00 a ticket.


GAH, I mean, GAH, why so much? GAH:  When looking for a place to have a reunion we were faced with several options. All of the options cost money. Frankly, a lot of the less expensive options were disappointing.  The cost includes the rental of the ballrooms and a NICE SIT DOWN MEAL.

Ballrooms?  Yes, one for the dinner and one for getting down or getting up to boogie.

Is there going to be a program?    Yes. I will be Your Grand Host (YGH) and there will be some remarks by The Grammar Hammer himself, Marietta Daily Journal columnist Roger Hines.

You?   Yes.  I have a long association with Wheeler High School. I lived across the street from it for 10 years. I was married in the church next door.  I have written a book that sold into the dozens about Wheeler. Plus, I sleep with someone on the committee. (It is my wife. GAH!  Get your minds out of the gutter. GAH!)

Wait. Your wife wasn't in The Class of 77.  Can members of other classes come?   As long as you buy a ticket, we welcome members of other classes. Unless, of course, you want to spread propaganda about how your class was as good or better, then you can keep your filthy lies to yourself.

Can I Bring My Spouse?  Yes, with a purchase of a ticket.  Your spouse will want to bask in the glory of The Class of '77.

Do You Have A Website?  Yes, it is www.whs77.org.  I would like to take this opprotunity to -thank Sandy Dasinger Quarles, who designed and operates the website. The website has a Paypal link, which all of the kids are using nowdays. Or you mail a check to Sandy at 1047 Ven Villa Road, Marietta, GA 30062

She Went To Georgia Tech?   Yep and it came in handy because the rest of us (UGA grads and one lone Kennesaw State grad) can barely operate a cell phone.

How Should We Dress?   Cobb County has strict laws regarding public middle aged nudity, so you must wear clothes.  The type of clothes to be worn is "Dressy Causal" .  No tuxedos, no evening dresses, etc, like The Acadmey Awards.  It also means you don't dress like you are going to Wal-Mart.


No
No
 No


No
Yes. This came from a website about "Dressy Causal"
Yes






Most Important of All: Will there be a bar?  Yes, there will be a cash bar. While I don't know exactly what they'll have, they will have the usual: beer, wine, etc. Not sure if you'll be able to order an Onery Moscow Mule, but there will be plenty of loudmouth soup available. 

So, there you have it gang. If you have any other questions, just ask me either on this page or on Facebook.

www.whs77.org





Saturday, July 29, 2017

Trump's Pattern


To be honest, until 2015, I never paid that much attention to Donald John Trump.

I mean, I knew he was famous and I saw him on TV even though I never watch "The Apprentice".  I'm not much on reality game shows.

I knew he was rich, too. The kind of rich where people are sort of interested in your life but they don't know why. The kind of rich where you trade in wives. The kind of rich where you write books teaching schlubs like me how to get rich. The only problem with these books is the advice always reads like Steve Martin's "How to Make a Million Dollars and Never Pay Taxes ("First: Make a million dollars").

I heard Trump several times on Imus In The Morning.  This was back when he was a Democrat.

Sometimes he sounded like he knew what he was talking about and other times he didn't  Talk about foreshadowing.

Frankly, I didn't get Trump and didn't see why everybody found him fascinating.

Then, as political stories always mention, he rode down the escalator and began his run for the Presidency as a  Republican. I started paying attention.

Now after two years, in which saw Trump basically train wreck himself  into not only the Republican nomination  but into The White House itself, I can't say I understand Trump, but I've basically figured out his pattern.

First:  Trump says something outrageous or stupid or both.

Second:  Most of the news media reports Trump said something  outrageous or stupid or both.

Third:  Officials from The Trump Administration explain what Trump meant. ("What the President said should be taken figuratively and not literally".)

Fourth:  Trump gives an exclusive interview to a news personality and explains he literally said exactly what he meant.

Fifth:  Mike Pence starts measuring drapes in The Oval Office.

Sixth: Somebody on Twitter announces his/her hatred of  Trump and Ben Affleck as Batman.

Seventh:  Joe and Mika discontinue a heavy petting make-out session to condemn Trump.

Eighth:  Trump says "Mika is, at best, a six if you are wearing beer goggles, let's be honest".

Ninth:  Trump gives a speech or does something that makes actual sense.

Tenth:  You think, "Hmm, he just might be getting the hang of this Presidency business."

Eleventh:  Trump says something outrageous or stupid or both.

Trump is currently stuck in his Trump-mode in which nobody understands what  he is thinking or what his point might be because he doesn't make any sense.

He is currently treating Attorney General Jeff Sessions like a red headed step-child. He is going on Twitter bashing his Attorney General-the man he nominated and the man that works at the pleasure of the President. Trump wants Sessions to resign even though Trump could fire Sessions at any time.  It is almost like Trump thinks he going to owe Sessions unemployment compensation if he fires him.

It has gotten so bad that even Democrats are saying nice things about Sessions even though a couple of months ago you would have sworn they thought Sessions was The Grand Buffalo of The Nasty White Man's Club.

Sessions was one of the first elected Republicans to endorse Trump.

Last week, Trump hired Anthony "The Mooch" Scarmucci.   We quickly learn the "The Mooch" loves Trump even more than Trump loves Trump, which is something. He's got a Harvard degree and was a Wolf of Wall Street.   I listened to Scarmucci's press conference last week and he seemed like he was a sharp guy.

That was last week. This week,  Mr. Harvard Degree called a reporter for The New Yorker and  went on an obscenity saturated rant that would have made a sailor blush. He said something about Steve Bannon which A) I didn't think was possible  and B) made Bannon a sympathetic character (which I didn't think was possible either.)

Mr. Harvard Degree believes the entire problem in The Trump White House was Reince Priebus, The White House Chief of Staff.  Here is a transcript of a conversation Scarmucci had with the President.

Scarmucci:  "You know, this grease ball from Wisconsin, Richard, Wence, Wrench, Reebes whatever his name is?   He's the source of all of the leaks in The White House. Capiche?  I love you."

Trump:  "I was thinking the same beautiful thing!  What kind of name is Reince any way? Pfffft!  It's such a loser name and he smells like cheese!  Fire him!  No, wait. Have him resign. I don't want to pay him unemployment."

Scarmucci: "Great idea, Mr. President. I love you more now than I did a minute ago."


Priebus has now resigned and will be replaced by General John Kelly. General Kelly maybe the only person in the world that could tell Trump to shut his yap and focus on his job instead of Twitter. If he does, maybe Trump will stay at the tenth part of his pattern and get the hang of this Presidency business.






Friday, July 21, 2017

SunTrust Park: Questions and Answers


We finally did it!

We finally took in an Atlanta Braves baseball game at the brand spanking new SunTrust Park.

I have compiled answers to some frequently asked questions regarding the new stadium.

Who was Suntrust Park named after?   The new home of The Braves was named after a former President of South Korea, Suntrust Park.

Where is SunTrust Park at?   It is in the Vinings section of the city of Smyrna, Georgia that has an Atlanta mailing address.

How Do I Get There?  I am going to answer this as a 60-ish-year-old native of Cobb County. Go down the Four Lane and rat afore you git to Cumberlyn Mahl, thake a left. (Translation:  It is in the old Circle 75 area. Go south on Cobb Parkway and turn left. You are bound to hit an official Braves parking lot or a semi-official Braves gypsy parking lot.)  

Where do I park?   Glad you ask. There are about 14,000 parking spaces near SunTrust Park, depending on your definition of the word "near".  You can pay $21.00 to park at "Battery Red" which is right next door to the stadium. Or you can pay $1.00 and walk from Chattanooga.

What Is The Battery Atlanta?  It is a bunch of stores and restaurants to make you feel like you are in a quaint little neighborhood that just happens to have a Major League baseball stadium in it. The stores include Baseballism (features baseball related apparel)  and Sugarboo ("Dealer in Whimsy").   The restaurants include Wahlburgers (named after the famous Boston brothers who are famous for some reason) and Haagen Dazs (ice cream shop named after the first Dutch player in major league baseball.)

How Long Is The Wait At The Restaurants?   Three hours.

How Much Do Tickets Cost?   Tickets start at $9.00 if you want to watch the game from the roof of  SunTrust Park.  The tickets go up in price based on how close you are to the field. Those people you see on TV in the stands behind home plate: all are millionaires and are better than you.  Just a joke. Seriously, for a Wednesday night game on August 2, the best seats you can get cost $91.00 a ticket.

What is there to do when you get inside of the stadium?  You could do something wild like watch a baseball game.  If that's not your speed, you can go to wait in line to get into The Braves Clubhouse Store where you can buy official plastic Braves Clubhouse stuff, if you actually get in.  Or you can wait in line to get into the New Era cap store, which sells nothing but the various caps that are "official" Braves caps. Or you can go and look at the exhibits in Monument Garden, which is really neat. You can see Sid Bream's knee brace and marvel at the last century's pathetic attempt at health care.

What type of food is sold at the stadium?  Basic stadium grub. Nobody goes to a ball game to get braised leeks with Mozzarella and a fried egg. Good old fashion over priced artery clogging food.  You may be surprised to know they sell beer at the stadium. The cost:  what a good used car cost in 1986.  They also sell wine. No joke. Mom can zone out with a plastic cup of pinot noir white while you try to remember how to keep a box score.

Do They Sell Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future and did you buy some?  Yes. Of course.



Do They Do Anything Cool Between Innings?  Yes. This year the Braves have something called "Beat The Freeze" where a former track star (The Freeze) spots a fan a sizable lead in a race and then beats the fan by a sizable margin.  When I saw "Beat The Freeze", a young man turned to me and said: "That (bad word) is fasser than hale" (translation: "That gentleman is very fast"). The Freeze could be me in a race even if I was riding a horse.




How Much Would It Cost A Family of Four To Go To A Game?    A family of four could easily drop forty thousand dollars at a ball game. Loan officers are standing by to help you finance your evening at the ballpark.

Okay, you've been around a long time old man. Can you compare the parks?  Sure, Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium was dank. It smelled like beer. But it was where I saw Hank Aaron patrol in right field and Joe Torre catch.   Turner Field was like the new girl in school everybody said was hot, but was not. The field always seemed far, far away at Turner.  SunTrust actually looks and feels like a baseball stadium. There really isn't a bad seat in the place.

What Do You Like Best About SunTrust Park?   It is about 20 minutes, in traffic, from my house. Plus, The Dipping Dots, the ice cream of the future.