Sunday, February 11, 2018

The Obligatory Super Bowl Post 2018 Edition

Last week,  The 2017 NFL season mercifully came to a close when the Philadephia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots. If that doesn't prove there is a God in heaven, I don't know what will.

I know it is easy to complain about the domination of the Patriots. Since my son was in FIFTH GRADE, they have been going to The Super Bowl. By the way, my son graduated college in 2013.

The head coach of The Patriots, Bill Belichick, would be celebrated as THE GREATEST COACH OF ANYTHING FOR ALL TIME except for the fact he has the personality of prune juice and looks/dresses like he just came off of a three-week bender.

The quarterback of the Patriots is Tom Brady, the most handsome man in the world. 

Back when I was a kid, the "handsome" quarterback was Joe Namath.

When I came along, they wanted quarterbacks to look like the District Manager in Charge of Something Important.  Handsome, but not sexy. Not flashy. Serious. Like Bart Starr.

"I would like to talk to you about an exciting Whole Life policy we have"

Bart Starr was the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers back in the sixties. He looked like he would sell you some insurance.  I saw him one time at Town Center Mall in Kennesaw, Georiga. I kept pointing at him saying "Bart Starr. Bart Starr".  My wife reminded me Starr knew his name.

But Joe came along and he was "Broadway Joe"- all flash and a smile.

"I happen to notice you are a tight end".

Tom Brady makes Joe Namath look like a basset hound.

First of all, Brady has won five Super Bowls, which by definition means he is five times better than the rest of us schlubs, and I don't care how many cures for cancer you have discovered.

Secondly, he is married to a Super Model, Gisele Bundchen.  I'm not quite sure what separates Super Model from a Regular Model, except you would probably never see a Super Model in a Sears catalog. I will say, from a strictly scientific viewpoint, Gisele Bundchen is smoking hot.

Finally, Tom had an actress girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan, who happened to learn she was pregnant with Tom's baby after they had broken up and he began his relationship with his Super Model wife.

The website Heavy says, "Being married to and having two children with Bundchen while trying to maintain a relationship with Moynahan and their son Jack certainly sounds complicated, but they seem to have it all figured out."   Only a quarterback that has won five Super Bowls could have figured out something like this. I know I couldn't.

The Patriots were the favorites to win the game. The Eagles had a good season, but their second string quarterback,  Nick Foles, was starting.

It was one of those games, like last year's Super Bowl, you just kept expecting Tom Terrific to lead the Patriots to a comeback victory.  But it didn't happen.  It made you want to become a Calvinist because it seemed so predestined and seem to confirm that the Lord isn't thrilled with the Atlanta Falcons for some reason.

It has been a rough year for The NFL.

The combination of CTE, the kneeling non-sense, and the flat-out oversaturation of the product ("Welcome to Wednesday Morning Football with the Cleveland Browns at home against The New York Jets") along with the dominance of  New England has left some watching the sport out of obligation, sort of like the way some people go to church only at Christmas and Easter.

Until Philadelphia's victory in The Super Bowl, the season's lone highlight was the Viking quarterback Case Keenum's pass to Stefon Diggs on the last play of their playoff game versus the Saints. That play reminded people what they liked about football. Anything can happen at any time and when it does you want to be there.

Maybe, one day, it will be that way again.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Our Common Baseline of Facts

Have you seen David Letterman lately?

He simply looks ridiculous. I don't know any other way to describe it.

He no longer shaves and must be auditioning for a part on "Duck Dynasty.  That's the only explanation I can come up with. He looks like an off-season Santa Claus. By the way, before everybody starts defending Dave and his choice to look like a hobo, remember twenty years ago Dave would be doing a "TOP TEN THINGS LIVING IN THAT GUY'S BEARD" regarding anyone with a beard like his.

Well, Dave's "retired" now and no longer does "Top Ten Lists", "Stupid Pet Tricks", or jumps in a pool wearing a suit lined with Alka-Seltzer tablets.  No, Dave has decided to work for Netflix, and has a monthly show called "My Next Guest Needs No Introduction".  His first guest was former President Barack Obama.

Since Dave is all serious now, he asked President Obama what is the most dangerous threat to democracy: a President demeaning the press (like a certain unspoken current President with orange hair) or a foreign power sabotaging the voting process (on behalf of the orange hair President).

Obama took a deep breath and said, "One of the biggest challenges we have to our democracy is the degree to which we don’t share a common baseline of facts. If you watch Fox News, you are living on a different planet than you are if you are listening to NPR.”   
As long as we are talking about "demeaning", let's look at the last sentence in the above quote from President Obama.  People that watch Fox News ain't from around here, Buddy. They're from Planet Redneck with their My Pillows and Liberator Medical Catheters.

However, President Obama didn't answer the question. The answer is a foreign power sabotaging the voting process because Presidents have always been demeaning to the press. Personally, I think a President spying on a reporter is worse than him blowing raspberries at him, but that's just me.

A lot of the news media, like with most things during Obama's public career, treated this as some sort of new incredible insight, when it really wasn't.  I remember reading Peggy Noonan complaining about the same thing a couple of years ago.

In the past, Americans basically got their news from three sources: the 30-minute nightly newscasts of  ABC, CBS, and NBC.  When Walter Cronkite said "And that's the way it is", that was the way it was, dadgum it.

Now, we have three major 24-hour news networks and all of that has supposedly changed. But it really hasn't.

We all "share a common baseline of facts".  After all, it is a fact Donald Trump is the President of The United States.  It is the interpretation of those facts that is different.  Five of the six television news outlets think the Trump Presidency is THE APOCALYPSE and we must do what we can to resist THIS EVIL ORANGE HAIRED, FAT, TINY FINGERED MAN, including resisting a tax cut.

Meanwhile, over at Fox, Trump is treated with more respect. I personally think Sean Hannity would be in favor of Same-Sex Marriage if it meant he could marry President Trump.

All of this gives some people a headache, including me.  I don't mind people having different opinions than me.  I do mind people shouting about it 24/7.

Back during The Obama Years, there was all of this talk about "his birth certificate". I was never sure why this was important.  A lot of energy was put into this topic by various people of various levels of "conservatism".  It came up bupkis.

However, when he was a Senator, Obama met with Louis Farrakhan and had his picture taken with him. The nicest thing you can say about Farrakhan is that he has a great selection of bow ties.  Other than that, he is a hot mess of hate.  The journalist that took the picture said he didn't release it because he didn't want to hurt Obama's Presidential ambitions.

That, my friends, is why there is a Fox News. Four years ago, five out of the six news outlets were doing cartwheels and waving pom-poms about President Obama.

It may not have made a difference, but it would have been interesting to hear President Obama explain the meeting and the picture. My guess is that he would have tried to distance himself from Farrakhan like he did with his preacher.  But you never know and you never will because we are more interested in making fun of people that don't agree with us.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

The Certified Woke Bae Goes Wrong

The latest battle in the War of The Sexes is over Aziz Ansari.  Really.

In case you don't recognize the name, Aziz Ansari is a comedian and was on the hit TV show "Parks and Recreation". He played Tom Haverford, a stylish member of a mythical parks and recreation departement in Indiana.   He was pretty funny on the show, although I can only take him in small doses.

Stop me if you had heard this before. He meets a woman at a party. They go to his place. Yadda, yadda.

Actually, if you want to read more about this encounter, you can find an article on Babe. Net about it. Until this week, I never heard of Babe.Net, but I assume the mission of Babe. Net is to keep everybody woke.

"Grace" (the young lady) describes meeting Mr. Ansari, going on the date, and then going back to his apartment in the fashionable Manhattan Tribeca neighborhood. You can almost hear the squeal when the writer notes Taylor Swift lives in the same apartment building.

From there, the article reads like a "Letter to Penthouse" gone wrong. The article goes into great detail about what Ansari and "Grace" did.

As a dude, I will say it was a lot for a first date.  Things must have changed from the time when I was on prowl.

I won't go into great detail except to say at Wheeler High School in 1975 it would have been considered a Double Grand Slam Home Run where your team gets eight runs instead of four.

She said she gave him "verbal" and "non-verbal" cues to indicate she wasn't interested but he ignored them.

I hate to quote myself, but you cannot give  cues "verbal" or "non-verbal" to a man especially when he has the itch. Here's what I wrote several weeks ago.

"You cannot say to a man, "go to the store and buy milk" thinking he will automatically know what brand to buy just because it has been magically appearing in the refrigerator for five years. No, you have to say, "Get the milk that has the picture of a cow wearing an apron" or he'll come back with almond milk or maybe a six-pack of Sprite."

If it is difficult to get a man to run an errand, correctly,  try to imagine how difficult it is to get a man to understand that "you're not interested" when he is very interested.  He understands "cues" like a dog understands Greek.

That's why Grandma slapped her gentleman callers. That's about the only cue a man with loving on his mind understands.

But instead of slapping Ansari, "Grace" kind of mealy-mouthed her way through the encounter.

When she left, she felt embarassed and humiliated because, ewwww, Tom Haverford.

I mean, on the chain of celebraties to date, comedians are not rock stars. Especially, wee ones like Ansari. But still, he was a celebrity and it is not news that celebrities use their celebrity to get what Grandpa used to call nookie.

"Grace" was ready to let the episode fade into her past as a simple twist of fate until she watched The Golden Globes. Ansari won an award and wore a "Times Up" button indicating his support "support for the fight against sexual assault and harassment".   Although the Babe.Net article doesn't say, this is probably what drove "Grace" to tell her story.

"Grace" felt like Ansari was a cad. No argument from me.

However, this is where the story gets sort of funny.

The article notes Ansari is not some testosterone filled 18 year old but "a 34-year-old actor and comedian of global renown who’s probably done more thinking about the nuances of dating and sex in the digital age than practically anyone else."

I've done a lot of thinking about "the nuances of dating and sex", too. The difference being I did mine during the paleozoic era.

The article states his routines now focus "less on his own sexual disenfranchisement and more on pressing societal issues like racism and sexual assault, a move that’s earned him tons of praise."  One magazine called him a "certified woke bae".  That is the second highest praise a millennial can give to a person. (The highest praise: "totally certified woke bae")

A couple of things. Someone in the entertainment industry being hypocritical. Wow. Knock me down with a feather.

Two, even though Ansari has admitted the sex part of the encounter, it is still basically "He said-she said".  I'm not sure how we are suppose to react to a knock-down dragged out account of the passion except to accept every word out of  "Grace's"mouth and that Ansari should never work again or at the very least have his certification of wokeness revoked.  Ansari should be happy he's not a college student or he would have been expelled.

Three, Ansari apparently humilated "Grace" so "Grace" decided to humilate Ansari with a detailed look at his boorish technique. The dude needs to read a couple of books, if you know what I mean.

Of course, there are those that say we need to have a "conversation" about women, men and sex. My causal observation that those who want to have a "conversation" actually want to have a "monologue" and guess who will be talking.

But maybe I'm just not woke enough.


Sunday, January 14, 2018

President Winfrey. Don't Laugh.

One of the series I used to do with this blog was called  Who Will Not Be President.  In it, I examined people who were "planning" or thinking about running for President and explain why they were wasting everyone's time.

Not meaning to brag, but I had a pretty good track record. For example, I said we wouldn't have a President Haley Barbour or a President Newt Gingrich and I was right.

However, I hit a big wall with one person.  I wrote not once, but twice, that Donald Trump would never become President.  Oops. I'm not exactly the only one who said that, so give me a break.

Because of that, I've decided never to say never when it comes to who will be elected President.

Instead, I will offer my occasional insights into what I think are the strengths and weaknesses of those want to become President.

Before I start, and I shouldn't have to say this, but I will.  I am trying to be as "objective" as possible and still write something I think will make you laugh.  I have not abandoned any great principles I have and I've certainly haven't gone over to any dark side even though they may have donuts.

I put in that disclaimer because the first subject is Oprah Winfrey.

In case you missed it, Oprah was given an award at The Golden Globes, for some unknown reason. I'm not quite sure what The Golden Globes are, except up until last year it was a time you could turn on your TV and see your favorite Hollywood star three sheets in the wind.

Then last year happened and Meryl Streep felt this great need to address her unwashed subjects on the election of Donald Trump.  It was a snide, most elite, condescending address to a group of people that used to be called "the public" or  "the people who buy overpriced movie tickets to watch your goofy movies".  Of course, Hollywood loved it.

This year, because of Harvey Weinstein and the #metoo movement, Hollywood felt like they had to put these awful horn-dogs in their place. So, the ladies wore black in solidarity and they invited the biggest gun to speak-bigger than Meryl Streep. So big, this person is known only by one name:  Oprah.

She gave, by all accounts, a stem-winder of a speech. In it, she said, "For too long, women have not been heard or believed if they dare speak the truth to the power of those men. But their time is up. Their time is up."

A cynical person, for example like me, would have responded.  That's true. For too long, people didn't believe Paula Jones because if you drag a $100 bill through a trailer park, there's no telling what you'd find. And we didn't believe Linda Tripp because she was tubby and wore glasses.

But no matter. Hollywood lapped up Oprah's speech and they are really excited about her running for President. While she hasn't really said if she would or would not, here's what I think is her strengths and weaknesses.


First of all, Oprah Winfrey is a masterful communicator.  This separates her from the current occupant of The White House and frankly everybody else in politics. She knows what she wants to say and how she wants to say it. As they say in sports in regards to speed, you can't coach that. You either have it or you don't and she has it.

Secondly, as part of her talk show career, she knows how to listen. Again, this separates her from everybody in politics. Additionally, she knows how to appear sympathetic. That goes a long way in politics, especially the Presidency.

Third and this is big, Americans know her and like her. She was a guest in their living rooms for over 25 years.  My mother, who was a  person of her times, loved Oprah Winfrey. Winfrey connects with people.  Elizabeth Warren doesn't. Boom.

Fourth, Winfrey is the creator and CEO of a cable network. She is a very rich person who started from nothing. Nobody gave her a million dollars to start a company.

Finally, Winfrey is younger than Biden, Warren, Sanders, and Hickenlooper.  Okay, I'm not sure why being younger than Gov. Hickenlooper is a strength, but I just like writing the name.


This first weakness isn't really personal to Winfrey herself. It just seems a little too cute for the Democrats to bring Winfrey up. Okay, Middle America, you want a TV star president?  Here you go!

Her second weakness is we don't know too much of what she believes in, politically. We assume she is your Barack Obama generic garden-variety left-wing Democrat, but we really don't know.  She might be to the right of Obama on some issues. She may be to the left of Bernie Sanders.We don't know.

Her third weakness is Presidents have to make unpopular decisions.  It is easy to be popular when you give everybody a car. It is more difficult to say, "I'm sending your son to war...and your son to war...and your son to war."  She's always been one of the most popular people on the planet. I wonder what she would think of being compared to Hitler.

Then, there is this.

Harvey Weinstein and "his ways" could have been called an "open secret" in the entertainment industry except it wasn't so secret.  It doesn't look like Winfrey "spoke the truth to power" when she had the opportunity.

She has a couple of other areas in which could be a problem, but since Trump (a thrice-married man who built casinos and has a model wife who has done nude sessions but still managed to be the candidate of a lot of Evangelicals), I have no idea.

One, she is not married but has a significant other.  I would think that would matter but it might not.

Two, she is being attacked, already, for "spreading the anti-vaccine pseudoscience" (she had Jenny McCarthy on and basically didn't challenge McCarthy's statements that childhood vaccines cause autism).  Winfrey says she was just presenting information and letting the viewers make up their own minds.  If this is correct, we need to all apologize to Michelle Bauchman.

It may be way too early to think Oprah Winfrey is going to run for President. All I know, she has a really weak field in the Democratic party and Trump shouldn't take her too lightly.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

57 (Billion) Channels And Nothing On

The topic for today is television.

In the old days, you would walk into your living room or den, turn a knob and the TV would come on. You have maybe five or six channels to watch. 

Then cable happened.

Now we have a billion channels and there are still only five or six channels I watch.

The Channels I Watch

1) The News Channels.  There are basically three news channels: CNN, MSNBC, and FOX.  The basic news on CNN and MSNBC is President Trump really sucks, bigly. The news on FOX is President Trump is really great and represents THE PEOPLE, if the OTHER PEOPLE would let him get to work for THE PEOPLE that elected him to work for THE PEOPLE.

2) The Sports Channels.  There is ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN-SEC, ESPN-CLASSIC, ESPN-NEWS, and  ESPN-COLLEGE.  ESPN used to show athletic contests.  I remember when they used to show "Austrialia Rules Football" which was sort of like rugby. Now they mainly show highlights from last week's big game  and various talk shows in which sportswriters yell at each other. One show, "Around The Horn", which has been on for years, features "competitive bantering", whatever that is.

3) The Rerun Channels.  These are the stations like TBS and TV Land which shows reruns of classic comedy shows like "Seinfeld" and "Everybody Loves Raymond".  For my money, "Everybody Loves Raymond" is probably the best sitcom in the past 20 years.  It always makes me laugh.  For the record, I like "The Big Bang Theory".  It is a funny show. I know it is not hip to say you like "The Big Bang Theory"-it is like saying you love Perry Como.   For some reason, "The Big Bang Theory" reminds me of a lot of my friends. I won't name names.

4) The History Channels.  There are a couple of history channels.  One specializes in Hitler. That Hitler guy, he's everywhere.The other specializes in people going into a pawn shop.  This is a typical segment of that show:  "Pawn Stars":

A man comes in with what he says is an original copy of "The Gettyburg Address".  Rick looks interested and says, let me get a buddy in here to look at it.  Rick's buddy (an handwriting expert or some guy wearing an Amish hat) looks over it, takes out a jewler's eye, makes a few grunting noises and says, "The handwriting is definitely Abraham Lincoln's. In my exteremly learned and informed opinon, this is the original copy of 'The Gettysburg Address' and it is worth 4 billion dollars."  Rick shakes his hand and the buddy walks out the door. Rick asks the man how does he want for it. The man says "2 billion dollars". Rick says, "Wow, we're way off. I'm going to offer you 50 dollars. I have to get it framed."

5) HGTV.   This is the Home and Gardens channel, although there isn't any gardening shows, not that I'm complaining.  There are several gardening shows on Atlanta radio and here's what I've learned: you need to water your plants.

No, on HGTV, it is all about "flipping houses". This means people buy junk houses, some of which are still on fire or underwater, renovate them, and sell the houses at a glorious profit. Shows include "Flip This House", "Flip Another House""Flip Houses You Don't Own", "Flip, Flip, Flip", "Flip This Flip" (people buy a house that has been renovated and then renovate them some more), and "Flippy Flipperson"  (this is a cartoon dolphin that teaches kids how to flip houses.)

One popular show on HGTV is "Property Brothers" in which "Jonathan and Drew Scott help couples find, buy, remodel and transform extreme fixer-uppers into their ultimate dream home".  I believe "Jonathan" and "Drew" are the same person and not "brothers" like HGTV wants you to think.

One thing that gets me are the couples on "Property Brothers". He works as a part time barista at Starbucks. She collects aluminum cans on the side of the road.  Their budget for a new house: 1.8 million. 

The other big show on HGTV is "Fixer Upper". It "pairs renovation, design and real estate pros Chip and Joanna Gaines with home buyers to renovate homes that are in great locations, but have bad design or are in poor condition."   I will translate this for you. Chip and Joanna renovate homes in Waco, Texas.

Women love "Fixer Upper".  Chip and Joanna seem like real people, even though it does seem like Chip has really outkicked his coverage, if you know what I mean.  They seem like people you would go to Sunday School with. "Y'all, Sister Joanna is going to have her 18th baby and is still smoking hot. Brother Chip, would you like to open our class with prayer?"   "Yes, sir. God bless Texas, Amen!"

A big deal on "Fixer Upper" is shiplap. At first, I thought Chip and Joanna were swearing. But they find shiplap all the time in the houses they fix up. I  have lived 58 years without ever hearing about it.

Shiplap is a type of wooden board. Evidently there is a law in Texas stating everybody has to have it in there house. 

There are other channels I can watch. There's the six hundred Showtime channels that show the same twelve movies.  There's the music channels that don't show music. There's the Lifetime channel but since I strongly identify as a HETROSEXAUL MALE, I don't watch, but even if I did, it wouldn't mean anything.

Or instead of watching TV,  I could read a book.


Thursday, December 28, 2017

2017: No Argument From Me

I can't wait for 2017 to end.

It began with the inauguration of Donald Trump.  The inauguration was a solemn occasion, as evidenced by former President Bush trying to put on a poncho, which, in all fairness, wasn't taught at Yale. And by Kellyanne Conway wearing something she found at a Goodwill store when she time traveled back to 1977.

President Trump began his inaugural address by noting, "There are forty trillion zillion billion people here wanting to see me" and ended it by saying "Wrestling is real to me, damn it".

You figured The Democrats would try to present themselves as mature and thoughtful people.  You figured wrong.  The Democrats decided to hook up with "The Resistance Movement" which features people way more insane than the President wearing hats that look like genitalia and wishing someone would blow up The White House.

So, for the entire year, it seemed like one half of the country was yelling at the other half of the country.

Everything was an argument. Everything was a debate.

Nobody wanted to concede a point because, if you did, you would die.

Your humble correspondent has been caught up in a couple of scrums, even though I find them distasteful.

I've noticed the "resistance" side is quick on the lectures,which are usually very long, and quick on the assumptions, which are usually incorrect.  One person wrote a four or five paragraph response to my posting that I voted for Gary Johnson and not Trump asserting that I favored "campus rape" and caused Clinton to lose Wisconsin, which is an amazing feat considering I don't live in Wisconsin.

On to more pleasant memories. Here's some chicken salad out of chicken feed:  The Atlanta Falcons won an overwhelming majority of the quarters in the Super Bowl.

Speaking of disasters, somehow, a fire caused a portion of a bridge on Interstate 85 to collapse in Atlanta. In uncharacteristic fashion Atlanta and the state of Georgia got the bridge repaired in a relatively short period of time, which is amazing when you consider it was Atlanta and Georgia making the repair.

It was reported that Democratic Senate staffers were sending "talking points" to Jimmy Kimmel, who is kind of/sort of this generation's Johnny Carson except he doesn't have a lot of talent and he's smug.

There have been several "special elections". One was here in Georiga which featured Jon Ossoff and Karen Handel, which seemed to go on for about 40 years. Ossoff lost mainly because he looked like he was running for student council President and he didn't live in the district and/or Georgia.

The Democrats finally scored a big victory when they captured Jeff Sessions seat in Alabama.  In crack journalistic work, it was discovered forty years ago Roy Moore had an unusual interest in teenage girls when he was a thirty-year-old man. This happened to be discovered a month before the election, as chance would have it. So, the Democrats finally were able to defeat the Republicans in Alabama when the Republicans nominate a possible/maybe/probable pedophile.

The biggest story of the year, besides the President, was the #Metoo movement which arose from the amazing discovery that all men are pigs, especially the ugly ones with lots of power.

The biggest movie of the year had to be "The Last Jedi" which is the latest installment of The Star Wars saga. I haven't seen it yet. I hear it is either the worst movie ever or the best movie ever.  I did go and see "Despicable Me 3" which was okay; it needed more minions.

We lost a lot of famous people this year. Chuck Berry and his duck walk. Mary Tyler Moore and her smile that could turn on the world. Glen Campbell was probably as underrated as a musician could be (um, he couldn't read music.)   Tom Petty, who once said he gave up playing "Pac-Man" when he realized he was just getting good at eating dots. Hugh Hefner who probably, for better or worse (and this old moralistic conservative says worse) changed our culture.

My 40 year high school class reunion was this year.  I was amazed I went to school with so many old people. Ha, ha. It was my honor to be the host of the reunion program and I'm happy to say my former classmates laughed at my jokes.  A couple of them told me they were happy I finally got some action. (Not as happy as me!)

We had five people from the class die in a five-month period. One of the classmates that died was Barry Suttle, who was a friend of this blog.

I have been writing in a blog for about eight years. Barry always encouraged me and commented on my posts. Men my age are usually not encouraged to do too much except to get out of the way.

This year has been, as far as readership is concerned, the best year for Humor Me.  I have easily doubled my readership.

In fact, one of my posts had almost four thousand reads. It was about Barry.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

The Worst Christmas Song Ever

It is that time of year again!  Christmas time!  Okay, sing with me that great Christmas song from the classic cartoon "A Charlie Brown Christmas"  (original working title: "Give It A Rest, Charlie Brown"):  "Christmas time is here, let's go get a beer, something, something, something, something, favorite time of year"

Speaking of singing, since I am a man of the people, I've asked the people, via Facebook, to post their least favorite Christmas song.  I was assisted in this effort by The Fabulous Jackie Prescott Collier of Kennesaw Mountain High School. The reason I took this survery is I wanted to discover the worst Christmas song of all time.
 (Note: I do not include any Christmas "Carols" on the list. I like all of the traditional Christmas Carols, although some of them we could have probably lived without like Bob Dylan's version of "Hark! The Hearld Angels Sing" ("Hurk, de harold ANGELS sang") and  Tammy Wynette's "Away In The Manger" ("Ah-weigh in duh mayjer").

Based on the results gathered by Mrs. Collier and myself, I would say Mariah Carey might want tp check into some online universities to spruce up her resume. One person said they did not like  "anything Mariah Carey spews".

There were equally harsh comments about a group called "Pentatonix". I am not familar with this group and honestly thought  that it was a new prescription drug to combat psoriasis. ( "Do not take Pentatonix if you have breathed air and drank water; do not leave your children alone in the room with Pentatonix.  Side effects of Pentatonix include infertility, flatulence , and spontaneous combustion").  The Fabulous Jackie Prescott Collier says, and I quote, "Pentatonix has ruined every Christmas song they have sung".

An early front runner for The Worst Christmas Song title is Baby, It's Cold Outside".  This is one of those songs (along with "Winter Wonderland" and "Let It Snow") which doesn't even mention Christmas and seems to be more concerned with other non-Christmas related activities, if you catch my drift.

Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time" is on The Worst Christmas Song list simply because we know he can do better. The first part of the song sounds like two robots making out.

Wham's "Last Christmas" is an unpopular song because it makes you puke. "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away".  This happened a lot in the '80's.

Who can forget the holiday cheer spread by the song "Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas"?  Sample lyrics: "Please daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas, I don't want to see my momma cry".   There's nothing like a song about a dysfunctional family to get you into the Christmas spirit.

"Jingle Bell Rock" and "Rocking Around The Christmas Tree"  were disqualified from The Worst Christmas list because they are, technically,  the same song.

 "Mary, Did You Know?" made it into the Top Ten Worst Christmas songs list because apparently there is a law that it must be sung in every Southern Baptist church in the state of Georgia.
For a while, it looked like "Christmas Shoes" was going to be the winner.  If you never heard of "Christmas Shoes", it is about a boy who wants to buy his dying mother a pair of shoes for Christmas so when she dies, she'll have a new pair of shoes to meet Jesus.  Lucky Yates of the FX show "Archer" says it is really about a gypsy kid running a scam to get a bunch of free shoes to sell at a flea market.

Even though there were a lot of candidates, I was able to determine the worst Christmas song of all time.  However, I must present to you, the second worst Christmas song of all time: "I'm An Elf" by Dan Crow. Watch this video if you dare!

This song is so bad nobody sings it at Christmas.  In fact, it sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks.

However, the winner of THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME  (drum roll, please, little drummer boy) is "Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey" by Lou Monte.

I would like to thank my old pal William Joe Wade, III of Bangkok, Thailand for alerting me to this song. This song was released in 1961 when I was two years old.  I had never heard of it until two weeks ago. Thanks a lot William Joe Wade, III. 

Where to begin.  Let's start with the first line. "Hey, Chingedy ching, hee haw, hee haw".  I know what the "hee haw" means, but what is "Chingedy ching"?

Then we discover Dominick is not just any old donkey. He is an "Italian Christmas donkey" who is another helper of Santa.  How many helpers does this fat guy need?

Apparently, the reindeer "cannot climb the hills of Italy" (or as Lou pronounces it, "EAT-AL-LEE").   The reindeer can fly all around the world in twenty four hours, land on houses without making a sound, etc, but they can't climb the hills of Italy.   I would make some pejorative remark that maybe the reason reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy is that Dominick has exclusive rights on Italy, if you catch my drift.  Maybe Luca Brasi presented Santa with an offer the jolly old elf couldn't refuse, capche?

Here is the song in all of its glory.

It makes want to listen to the dogs barking "Jingle Bells". Which is below.