Sunday, January 29, 2012

24: The Movie

The following is a portion of the script for “24 The Movie” that we obtained.

[ Scene: The Oval Office. The recently sworn in President, Pewt Gingnich, is receiving his first briefing from his national security advisor]

President Gingnich

This has been an incredibly historic day and now I understand that we are trying to kill the number one terrorist in the world: the dastardly Swedish Muslim terrorist, Osama Sven Laden.

National Security Advisor

We have a top man on it, Jack Bauer.

President Ningrich

Great. That means this should be done by lunch. After that, we can send him over to shoot my second wife in the thigh.

[Meanwhile in Kabul, Afghanistan, Jack Bauer is leading a team of four hundred Navy Seals to the Sven Laden Compound. His team includes an African-American, a Mexican, an Iranian, a woman, and the cast of Glee]

Jack Bauer

We need a perimeter and a couple of people to die a slow painful death. Any volunteers? [Shouting] Where is Chloe with my schematics?


Right here Jack.

[Chloe is sitting in her kitchen in a yellow robe looking like she just ate a pickle and punching into her lap top.]


I’ve downloaded the entire schematics of the Sven Laden Compound to your iPhone along with my latest move in Words with Friends.


I don’t have time for that now. I must find Sven Laden and kill him before I fall in love with my female Navy Seal colleague who has a rockin’ body and an attitude to match.


I do have to inform you that since this is a movie and not a TV show we can use swear words that rhyme with “Chuck” and “Mitt”. Also, I have up-linked the video the camera that our mole installed in Sven Laden’s residence so we can monitor his every move.


Do you show where Sven Laden is?


He’s is in his office watching a DVD. It is called “Ala-freakin-Bama Girls Gone Wild At Mardi Gras”.


We’re going in. Chloe, I just want to tell you that even though we’ve gone through a lot together through all the years, with the deaths of Edgar, Bill, and President Allstate, you’re still just a person I work with. Plus, you need to smile more.

[Bauer and The Navy Seals storm the Sven Laden Compound. After several non-important non minorities are killed, Bauer confronts Sven Laden]


Sven Laden!


Hey ya’ll throw us up some beads! Woooo! Roll Tide!

Sven Laden

Jack Bauer. I am your father.


No, you’re not. I killed my father on an oil rig and you look nothing like him.

Sven Laden

Look, you can’t blame me for trying.

[Jack’s cell phone rings]



Kim Bauer



Kim, this better be important!


Oh well, never mind then! Ignore me just like always. I’m stuck here in Kabul with a flat tire and there’s a man with a dish towel around his head pointing a gun at my face. I got a headache like you would believe and I got to Tee-Tee really bad. Oh yeah, I’m pregnant. What that? Daddy, there’s a mountain lion in my car! You’re going to have to choose between my life and the security of the United States of America. Daddy? Daddy? Are you there, Daddy?

[Sven Laden punches Jack in the eyeball, takes Jack’s machine gun and fires at point blank range at Jack. However, Jack makes a lot of twisty motions and is not hit by the bullets. Sven Laden then escapes through a passage known as “The Front Door”.]

(End of the First Act)

Monday, January 23, 2012

Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me

"Gloom, despair and agony on me.
Deep dark depression, excessive misery;
If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all!
Gloom, despair and agony on me
." – Song heard at The GOP National Headquarters

It impossible to state how totally insane the results of the South Carolina primary were last Saturday night. People who think this chicken feed is chicken salad should never be in charge of The Fourth of July picnic.

Forty-four per cent of Evangelical Christians voted for Newt Gingrich, a man that used his daughters from his first marriage to defend the wife of his third marriage from an attack by the wife of his second marriage. It is increasingly easy to believe that there is a Large Group Health Plan administered by Blue Cross and Blue Shield called “Wives of Newt”.

Gingrich won thirty-eight per cent of women voters. He won forty per cent of college educated voters (Go Gamecocks!). He won forty-five per cent of Conservative voters even though he was for “Cap and Trade” and “Individual Healthcare Mandates” around the same period of time that Mitt Romney was for these issues. There is a commercial of him and Nancy Pelosi sitting on a coach together talking about their agreement on climate change.

Fifty-one per cent of voters who think that defeating President Al Green is the most important quality of a candidate voted for Newt Gingrich. Gingrich has always had two big problems: Nobody likes him and everybody hates him. He is the most unlikable candidate since Nixon drove up from Yorba Linda. Honestly, South Carolina, do you really think a soccer mom in a Cincinnati suburb is going to vote Newt Gingrich?

It is becoming clear that despite the prediction from Humor Me June 8, 2010, that Mitt Romney could lose the Republican Nomination if he doesn’t get his stuff back in his sock. The only person this is less popular than Romney in the Republican Party is Barack Obama.

Romney is seen as a liberal by some in the Republican Party. If I read the term “RINO” applied to Romney once, I read it a thousand times. “RINO” is supposed to mean “Republican in Name Only”, but I have the feeling that it means “Yankee” to a lot of people.

Romney worked in a business most of us do not understand. It doesn’t even have commercials. Supposedly the business plan was to give a company a lot of money so it would go bankrupt. This is worse than Gingrich being an “historian” for Freddie Mac for 1.6 million dollars. (As a person who majored in history in college, I applaud any liberal arts major that can make that kind of scratch.)

Then, the cherry on top, Romney is a Mormon. This is the only religious group in America that it is okay to make fun of in popular culture besides us Southern Baptists. In fact, it is encouraged.

The South Carolina primary was a razzberry to the media. The media goes through all sorts of algorithms when it comes to unloading the dirt on a Democrat, but doesn’t seem to worry with it when it comes to a Republican. They liked it when Newt took it to the media. Gingrich ought to take John King out for a steak dinner.

This is a President who can be beat. I’m not sure it can be done by Newt Gingrich.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I Dreamed A Dream

I like to inform my readers of the various issues exploding in the Evangelical Christian world. You may remember last year I wrote about Rob Bell, of The Mars Hill Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan and his book I’m Really Cool and Wear Hip Glasses. Ha, Ha, just a little blogosphere humor. His book was titled Love Wins and it seemed to state, although not very directly, that everybody goes to heaven, because when you get down to it, the Lord is just a big o’ softy.

To update you regarding Bell, he has loaded up the church van and moved to Beverly with its swimming pools and movie stars. He has hooked up with the executive producer of Lost and created a new television drama called, “Stronger”. It is about the spiritual journey of a musician named Tom Stronger. I am not making this up.

The latest book to set an explosion off in the Evangelical world is Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll of The Mars Hill Church (another Mars Hill Church?) in Seattle, Washington. Whereas Bell was a kind of hipster poet of the Young Evangelicals, Driscoll is a bull looking for a china shop.

Driscoll first came to our attention in the too cool for Sunday School book Blue Like Jazz, where he was anointed as “The Cussing Preacher”. He really didn’t cuss that badly. It has been described as more PG-13 instead of R. Still, Driscoll has a reputation of being rather blunt and Real Marriage is extra frank and “authentic” to a ridiculous degree. Particularly in a chapter of the book titled “Can We _____”. Let’s just say Brother Mark is not very clinical in his discussion about the physics of sex (that sounds like a good name for a band) and leave it at that.

Driscoll presents some real Too Much Information moments from his marriage . Driscoll enjoyed “catin’ around” as my mother would say, before he became a Christian. Mrs. Driscoll also had a fall from Grace, so to speak, before she rededicated her life back to the Lord. This leads to this strange passage, that has made the rounds on the internet:

One night, as we approached the birth of our first child, Ashley, and the launch of our church, I had a dream in which I saw some things that shook me to my core. I saw in painful detail Grace sinning sexually during a senior trip she took after high school when we had just started dating. It was so clear it was like watching a film—something I cannot really explain but the kind of revelation I sometimes receive. I awoke, threw up, and spent the rest of the night sitting on our couch, praying, hoping it was untrue, and waiting for her to wake up so I could ask her. I asked her if it was true, fearing the answer. Yes, she confessed, it was. Grace started weeping and trying to apologize for lying to me, but I honestly don’t remember the details of the conversation, as I was shell-shocked. Had I known about this sin, I would not have married her.”

I cannot imagine any husband saying, “Sweetie, I had this dream where you were doing the Birmingham Bump with that guy from school you used to like, yeah, the one with the zits on the side of his face that looked like Idaho. Is that true?” Every wife I know, including my own, would punch her husband in the eyeball before she ran upstairs to go on the computer to look for a good D-I-V-O-R-C-E lawyer to email to see if you can get out of a marriage due to sudden insanity.

I once shared a dream with my wife. I was at East Cobb Junior High School. I had a date to an eighth grade basketball game. My date was Jane Seymour. My wife asked me if Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman was “nekkid”? No, I explained, she wore a yellow sweater. Lori wept, from laughter, because she didn’t know I had this thing for Jane Seymour. I thought I had mentioned it. I know I mentioned Lynda Carter, but that’s another dream.

I know Driscoll has a ministry to people who have been raised in a super sex soaked society and his heart may be in the right place. I wish he would take a page from Charlie Rich and keep some things behind closed doors.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Playoffs? Who Said Anything About Playoffs?

The 2011 College Football season ended with a flat game with the winner of The BCS Championship being a team that: A) didn’t win their conference or B) win their division in their conference. One of these days, the winner of The BCS Championship will be a team that doesn’t win a game and doesn’t play football.

In the greatest song ever written about my people, “Rednecks” by Randy Newman, he says, “College men from LSU: went in dumb-come out dumb, too”. It was never more true than Monday night. The LSU offensive game plan included this play: “Drop the ball then fall on it”. Jordan Jefferson, the LSU quarterback has never looked more out of it than Monday night, and that is saying something.

It was a year that began with a rabid Alabama fan (are there any other kind?) poisoning the iconic Oak Trees at Toomer’s Corner on the Auburn campus and then calling a radio sports talk show to brag about it. Harvey Updyke was caught, arrested, and will face trail on March 17, 2012 for poisoning those trees. Of course, he has a Facebook page requesting donations to help pay for his expenses which include his $50,000 bond. (Updyke was in New Orleans for the game. Fortunately for Mike The Tiger, Alabama won.)

To show you how bad this past College Football season has been, there may be, hopefully, possibly some kind of discussion about changing the current the BCS system into something that might make sense. The BCS (Bowl Championship Series) system began in 1998 after years and years and years and years of complaints that the Division One “system” of choosing a champion was based on the votes of coaches (who were too busy with their own games to pay attention to how other teams were playing) and sports writers (who were too drunk to pay attention to how teams that were not named Notre Dame were playing).

So the powers that be came up with a formula which included a poll of coaches, a computer ranking, and the eye of a newt to create The BCS. It turns out, amazingly, that this system was just about as dumb.

The University Presidents liked The BCS because it sounded so smart and foolproof. It should be noted that there are three other divisions of NCAA Football and they use this thing called a playoff. Radical idea, I know, since a range of bowls has grown up over the past 40 years that pay schools to play in their lil'l bowl games. These bowls used to have names like “The Bluebonnet Bowl” and “The Peach Bowl”. Now they have names like “The Fight Homophobia and Other Oppressions of The Ninety-Nine Per Cent Bowl”.

Since the main job of a University President is to raise money, the idea of gutting the Bowl System is killing a goose that lays a golden egg, even if it is “The R + L Carriers New Orleans Have We Mention Katrina Bowl” golden egg. So the University Presidents have, in the past, raised the specter that having a playoff system would interfere with the football players’ studies, particularly their final exams. I will allow you a few minutes to quit laughing over that one.

Was it the Rube Goldberg contraption of The BCS that has caused the various conferences to revisit the idea of a playoff? Of course not, it was the fact that The SEC has won the last six BCS Championship games and that this last game featured two teams from The SEC. This has caused The NCAA to lose money and nothing makes The NCAA move like losing money.

Knowing The NCAA, they’ll create a new system that will sort of/kind of be a playoff that will guarantee Notre Dame will always be in hunt for a National Championship. Either that or the National Championship team will be named by Kirk Herbstreit before the season begins.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Who Will Not Become President: Ron Paul

One of the more interesting aspects of this election cycle is the incarnation of Libertarian thought in Congressman Dr. Ron Paul, a “Republican” candidate for President. Dr. Paul is a true RINO-Republican in Name Only much like the late Congressman Larry McDonald (of Cobb County, naturally) was a true DINO-Democrat in Name Only. McDonald was a card carrying member of The John Birch Society and ran as a Democrat because that’s who won elections in Georgia back then. Paul is a Libertarian that runs as a Republican because that’s how you get elected to Congress in that part of Texas.

Congressman Paul is very popular in some circles, particularly those circles which write on message boards in CAPITAL LETTERS. However, he has some huge problems.

One is undeniable. Paul is 76 years old and would be 77 years old when he would take the oath of office. That is very, very, old. Sure, Reagan was in that ballpark, but he was almost finished with his term by that age. We are going to replace one of the younger Presidents in history with the oldest ever elected? That’s a hard sell.

Paul’s strain of Libertarianism is a problem too.

I have been aware of Libertarianism since I was 10 years old (that’s when Neal Boortz started in radio career here in Atlanta at WRNG). In its purest form, Libertarianism is an essential American philosophy- it believes that if you mind you own business, you won’t have time to mind mine. In this age of The Nanny State (actually, The Naggy State is a better description), Libertarianism has gain popularity.

The young people have gravitated to Paul. Let’s be blunt. A lot of those kids just want to be Republican Party Reptiles. The current generation of Libertarians seem like they are interested in one thing: Marijuana. (Boortz complains about this too.) It is one thing to hear Milton Friedman discuss the benefits of the legalization of Marijuana and another to hear it from your typical Libertarian (20-40 year old male that smells like a pumpkin patch).

Paul’s strain of Libertarianism is also very isolationist. It is not “Pre 9/11” it is “Pre December 7, 1941”. When Paul speaks about foreign policy it often sounds like he is sitting in a rocking chair at The Cracker Barrel spouting off about what ‘Merica should do. It doesn’t show any real serious thought.

The Paul people don’t like the mentioning of the 90’s Ron Paul newsletters that had some non-politically correct (i.e.: racist and Anti-Semitic) stuff. Ron Paul’s response is very disturbing because it: 1) Sounds like a bold face lie and he thinks you are stupid enough to buy it or 2)He doesn’t pay any attention to anything that goes on around him in his name.

Personally, I pick reason one. I have worked in the Health Insurance industry for 26 years. To think that a physician, any physician, would be unaware of what is going in anything he is associated with strains belief. Part of being a physician is being aware of what is going on with your patients and your practice. The idea that he would allow his name to on a publication and be unaware of what is in the publication is incredible and goes against all my experience with physicians.

This election presents Ron Paul has a great opportunity: to help re-elect Barack Obama. One way is to win the Republican nomination. That ain’t going to happen. The second is to run as a third party candidate. If Paul and his fans want to ensure the re-election of Barack Obama, go right ahead. It just validates my belief that some people actually want to lose this election.