Wednesday, October 31, 2012

This Week's Picks

By the time next week’s This Week’s Picks is posted we’ll either have a new President- Elect (Willard Mittimon Romney Esq.IV) or we’ll still have President Forward (Look, I called it a terrorist act in the month of September. Geez, what do you want? I killed Bin Laden.)  It looks like, at the moment, presently, at press time, right now, that either Romney or Obama will win the election. But, you never know. Ross Perot could still come out of nowhere and win. All I know, is that whoever wins, Americans will join together and work for the betterment of our country there will be a lot of Americans mad.

This Week’s Picks!

Big Bad Dawgs vs. Old Mess: As many have commented, the Manis Jinx (where I pick a team to win and they lose—by the way, this happened to Wisconsin-Whitewater last week) caused Florida to lose to Georgia.  According to this theory, I was part of a diabolical metaphysical plot to pick Florida to win, thus infecting them with the Manis Jinx and causing them to lose. It doesn’t explain all those other years I picked UGA to win and they lost, but it is an interesting theory.  In any event, The Ole Miss Used To Be Rebels will be coming to Athens. They wish there was a jinx. Georgia Wins.

                                        I wasn't the only one that missed it.

Wrecked vs. Turtles: Georgia Tech travels to Maryland because frankly it has nothing better to do this weekend. Lord, what a stinky year for the Bees.  The AD just quit to take a job at Clemson. Maryland, on the other hand, has some of the worst looking uniforms on the planet. But, as the kid said, I like turtles. Maryland wins.

Turkeys vs. The U: At one time, this would have been a very important game.  Virginia Tech is having an off year. Miami wins.

Ags vs. Other Bulldogs: Last week, Mississippi State walked into the buzz saw that is Alabama and found out that they’re not quite at the upper eulachon yet.  Texas A&M has a big hoop de do quarterback, Johnny Angel/Football who totally destroyed Auburn (like that was a big deal).  It is going to be interesting to see how the Upright Walking Maroon Dogs handle The Aggies. It will be close. Mississippi State isn’t Auburn, but Texas A&M isn’t Troy either. Texas A&M wins.

                       Why does he wear a shirt and pants, but no shoes?

Bamy vs. Ellesyou: As much as I hate to say this, Bama is just on another level this year. I’m not sure anyone on this planet can beat them. Bama wins.

                              Why? Why? Why would anyone do this?

Georgia Southern vs. Appalachian State:  This is the game of the year for Georgia Southern because Appalachian State is their numero uno rival. A treat in this year's contest will be when all of the students stand as one at halftime and sing the Georgia Southern Alma Mater (“B-double e-double r-u-n Beer Run! B-double e-double r-u-n Beer Run. All we need is a ten and a five-er. A car, a key, and a sober driver”). The Eagles are Number One in the FCS standings. They’ll win. Georgia Southern wins.

                       The President of Appalachian State University

The Division Three Game of The Week:  Wheaton vs. North Central College:  I’m including this game only because the newly named President of North Central College sat in a couple of Sunday School lessons I taught a long,long time ago and didn’t make fun of me despite the fact that his brain is way bigger than mine. Congratulations Dr. Hammonds!  North Central wins.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

This Week's Picks

There was a big announcement from Donald Trump, who noticed there was an election going on and nobody was paying attention to him. He announced if President Obama releases his college records and applications, as well as his passport records, Trump will give $5 million to a Chicago charity of Obama’s choice.

"I've finally made Humor Me. I wonder how much I can pay Manis for his incredible wit".

I hate this. It is irrelevant. Sure maybe the President got into the Ivy League due to a combination of Affirmative Action and Legacy. Maybe he got in due to his own talent. All I know is that I’m not voting for him and he could have made straight A’s for all I care.

This Week’s Picks!

Dawgs vs Lizards: This is the week of The World’s Largest Meeting of Obnoxious Drunks Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.  At the beginning of the year, UGA had this dream of winning two UGA-Florida games in a row. Well, that dream is as dead as Dave-FM.  Florida wins

        Biggest question in Atlanta: Why was it Dave FM in the first place?

Bees vs. Guys in White Shirts That Ride Bicycles: This is what kind of year it has been for Tech: Duke is bowl eligible.  Brigham Young is  4-4, but their losses have been to Utah, Boise State, Oregon State, and Notre Dame. They are good against the run, which is about the only thing Tech can do. Brigham Young wins.

A Brigham Young linebacker prepares for the Triple Option

Our Lady vs. OU812:  It has been one of those seasons in which Notre Dame has been over-rated. All I know is chicks and ducks and geese better scurry because Oklahoma will beat them with a surrey with a fringe on top. Oklahoma wins.

Have you ever watched "Oklahoma" for more than five minutes? I haven't.

The Other Bulldogs vs. Bama: Recently, the website Outkick The Coverage, published a picture of Bama quarterback A.J. McCarron’s mother, which was unlike any picture of any football mom I have ever seen. To put it in scientific terms, his mom is smoking hot.   It is not fair that Bama gets the best players and the best looking moms. On the basis of this picture alone McCarron goes to the top of most Heisman Trophy watch lists. Bama wins.

          Yes, I chickened  out. Look for the picture yourself.      

Teers vs. The Chickens:  Has Tennessee won football this year? I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure Steve Spurrier wants to win another one. South Carolina wins.

Wisconsin-Whitewater vs. Wisconsin Stevens Point:  Wisconsin Whitewater has been in every D3 Championship game since 2005 and has won the last three. This year it will be a little tougher for them. Wisconsin Stevens Point  is 1-5 and their nickname is “The Pointers”. Both have good fishing teams.  Wisconsin-Whitewater will win.

  Guess which student is on the JV Wisconsin-Whitewater Fishing Team?

It took four students to catch this  fish.

Georgia Southern vs. Chattanooga: The Eagles travel to Rock City to see Ruby Falls. While there, they will eat a Goo Goo Cluster and beat The Mocs. Georgia Southern Wins.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

This Week's Picks

As you may have noticed, I have finally figured out how to use a computer started adding pictures to my blog. I did this because it takes up space gives the blog a little extra punch.

I want to assure you that all of the pictures will be family/deacon friendly. For example, there is a picture floating around the internet of a woman who could be charitably classified as a MYDWTST (Mom You Don't Want To See Topless). She is nude from the waist up, however she has the Alabama Red Elephant spray painted on her chest. The elephant's ears are real big if you catch my drift. It is safe to assume alcohol may have been involved.

Instead, I would rather post a picture like this of the Chancellor and Provost of The University of Alabama addressing the Class of 2012:

Or a picture of the Chairman and Vice Chairman of The Board of Trustees of The University of Florida:

This week's picks!

Doggies vs Kenyucky: After what South Carolina did to them, UGA needed a bad team to come along. That's where Kentucky comes along. "There must be some kind of way out of here", said Joker Phillips to the thief. He added, "There's way too much confusion and I can't get no relief". Don't worry, Joker, the hour's getting late. Dawgs win.

The Rambled Wreck vs Pahk ya cahr in Havahd Yahd: A clash between the 1-5 Boston College Eagles and the 2-4 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Hmmm, wonder what's going on at Costco?  Tech wins.

Tide vs Teers: Just when things can't get any worse for Coach Dooley, he had hip surgery last week and had to be pushed around in a wheelchair.  And then there was this rock:

Anyway, here comes the Crimson Tide. It won't be pretty, but take it easy on a brother, will ya' Nick?
Bama wins.

Illegal Game Birds vs The Lizards:  Just when I thought USC was going to be the Beast in The East, they go to Baton Rouge and lose. Florida is really looking good. And, of course, there's this guy:

Gators win.

Mitt vs Drunken Short Stereotypes:  I watched Notre Dame last week and came to a simple conclusion-NBC has it worse for Notre Dame than they do The Democrats. Notre Dame is a good team, but they're not great. But, how I love Touchdown Jesus! Notre Dame wins

Georgia Southern vs Furman: Georgia Southern, whose campus creed is "Ego gotta adepto madidus quoad Ego certus operor formido is" ( "I gotta get drunk and I sure do dread it") takes on the Mighty Purple Paladins of Furman.  The Eagles win.

The Division Three Game of The Week: Ursinus vs Susquehanna.   Yes, the Ursinus Cavities are 4-2 this year. Yes, I am going to continue to use that joke until you laugh. Susquehanna University "educates undergraduate students for productive, creative, and reflective lives of achievement, leadership, and service in a diverse and interconnected world."  All of this for only $47,280 a year!  Ursinus' most famous alumnus is either Dan Mullen (coach of Mississippi State) or J.D.Salinger, who was a Catcher in The Rye.
Ursinus wins.

                   (You thought I made up this college, didn't you?)


Monday, October 15, 2012

Deer Season

As most of you know, I am a son of the South. That means I say “Yes Ma’am”, love anything fried, and due to my age, know that when you hear the words “Jubilee, Jubilee, you're invited to this happy Jubilee” it means it is time to get out of your pajamas, put your suit on, and go to church.

There are a couple of stereotypical Southern things that I never have not gotten into. One is NASCAR. Sure, I think Richard Petty is important, but I’ve never been able to follow the sport. I don’t think I could pick out Greg Biffle, who drives the Number 16 Ford Fusion for Rousch Fenway Racing from Carl Edwards who drives the Number 99 Ford Fusion for Rousch Fenway Racing. The only thing I know about racing is that Jeff Gordon is probably a homosexual (that’s a joke son).

The other Southern thing I’ve never gotten into is Deer Hunting. Now before you start saying I’m the Jeff Gordon of Southern Humor, let me advise you that I really, really, really, really like women. I also don’t find anything morally wrong with Deer Hunting like some people do. Hey, if you want to hunt, more power to you.

One thing I could do without is the “All Purpose Deer Hunting Story”.  Every story I’ve heard in 53 years of listening to deer hunting stories sounds about the same.

I got up at about 3:30 in the morning and drove to the deer camp. You wouldn’t know about that because you were all curled up in the bed like Jeff Gordon with his husband. I climbed up the tree with my deer stand I bought at Bass Pro Shops when you were acting all la-DE-da at Starbucks drinking your fancy four dollar coffee.

It was just about daybreak when I saw him: a twelve point buck! (Editorial comment: When you see the picture of the buck, it has three points). I looked through my scope I bought at Cabelas. com on the World Wide Web. This scope with its U.S.-engineered 4X optical system is fully multicoated for a bright, clear image even in low-light conditions.  Which is good thing too because this deer had to be either three football fields away from me or it was in another county. It might have been in another state or country. I’m not sure.

Me and the wife had a big fight about this scope. She couldn’t believe I spent the money on it when we were trying to save money to send little Shane and Cody to Preacher School if the Lord calls them or the University of Georgia if they backslide. I told her that she buys the expensive beans at Krogers, like Van Camps, when we could just as easily eat the store brand. So I told her to 'get off my back woman'. She didn't like that much and threw a can of beans at me. We don't talk about it much anymore.

Anyway, I aimed and fired. Booooooosh”

Every hunting story I’ve ever heard ended with the hunter imitating how the gun sounded when he shot it. Sometimes it is “Booooooosh”. Sometimes it is “Pow”. Sometimes it is “Bang”.

In the interest of equal time, I will be happy to publish a picture of Joe Biden shooting off anything besides his mouth.

When some people deer hunt, they splash themselves with “Red Fox Urine” (no truth in advertising problem here—it is exactly what it claims to be) to hide their scent from the deer. It turns out, deer are fairly smart in that they can sniff a man wearing some Old Spice cologne from several counties away. Cabela’s has Red Fox Urine on sale for 4.99.I would have loved to have been in that Marketing Meeting. “Men, we’ve got to push the urine out for this quarter”.

Wouldn't it be funny if this bottle said, "Redd Foxx Urine" and the advertisements could say "Hey, Big Dummy: Buy Redd Foxx Urine"?

The real reason I don’t hunt: just never did. Plus it happens too early in the morning. If we could ambush the deer at around 1:00 in the afternoon, I might be interested. Otherwise, I would probably resemble the man in this picture.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

This Week's Picks

It was a bad weekend for the state of Georgia. The Georgia Bulldogs lost to The South Carolina Gamecocks 35-7 in a game that was not as close as the score indicates. UGA looked very, very bad against the Illegal Fighting Game Birds. Thankfully, UGA has this week off to lick their wounds (pun intended).

(South Carolina: Too small to be a country; too large to be an insane asylum.)

Not that the Ramblin Wreck did any better. In fact, they lost to the other South Carolina school, Clemson, 47-31. It didn't take a heckuva engineer to realize something had to be done. The term "something had to be done" is college football talk for firing a coordinator. That just so happen to be Al Groh. Coach Happy Face (Paul Johnson) was given the dreaded vote of confidence from Tech's athletic director. Here at Pick's Central, my staff and I agree (my staff = my cat Gracie Manis), that Johnson has one more year to do something positive, like a win a game. Incidentally, Tech is off this week, too.

This Week's Picks!

Illegal Game Birds vs Went In Dumb-Come Out Dumb Too:  Okay, I've called The Old Jedi Ballcoach a loon several times before, but he proved one thing: he can get a team up for UGA better than anyone else. LSU proved last week that they are not all that hot. South Carolina wins.

The Medium Horns vs Sooner or Later Love Is Gonna Getcha: West Virginia tore up Texas last week. Oklahoma will do the same. Hank Hill will probably want to cry. Sooners win.

(This has nothing to do with football, but Hank Hill is probably one of my favorite cartoon characters ever. And I've never sold propane or propane accessories.)

Bamy vs Misery:  Do you ever get the feeling that Missouri wants to rethink this SEC business? Bama keeps rolling along. No reason to think this game will be any different. Bama wins.

The Other Bulldogs vs The Teers: Coach Pumpkin Pants brings Tennessee to Stark Vegas  which has a Chili's restaurant, by the way. Mississippi State has a 5-0 record. Really. But, it has been against Jackson State, Auburn, Troy, South Alabama, and Kentucky.  It will be 6-0 by the end of Saturday. Mississippi State wins.

Our Lady vs Stan's Ford: Notre Dame looks like they are going to climb back into the National College Football picture just long enough to make you hate them again. This ought to be a fairly good game, but I'm not quite on the Fighting Drunk Short Stereotypes bandwagon just yet. Stanford wins.

Georgia Southern vs Wofford: If there is a team Georgia Southern ( lyrics from the Alma Mater: "There stands the glass that will ease my pain, that will settle my brain") hates besides Appalachian State it is Wofford who are the MIGHTY...FIERCE....Terriers(?).  Wofford  (named after Paul Wofford, who invented the Wofford Iron) is a pretty good team. But, Georgia Southern is going to wear their Military Appreciation Day uniforms, which caused my son, the Former Great 38 to send me an actual text that had nothing to do with money.  Georgia Southern Wins.

(I like the helmets)

THE TWP DIVISION THREE GAME OF THE WEEK: Luther vs Wartburg: You know, the marketing people at Wartburg College have a significant problem. How do you get an 18 year old kid to come to a college called "Wartburg"? You could highlight that Wartburg is a " internationally recognized liberal arts college of the Lutheran Church (ELCA)". That has been known to draw kids to the campus, that's not enough. You have to remind people of the long standing rivalry you have with those jerks at Luther College. In 1996, "The rivalry rose to new heights when two clever Wartburg cross-country runners rented a plane, flew to Decorah (the hot spot where Luther College is located) and dropped leaflets on the Luther campus". Now, if that doesn't get your competitive spirits going, nothing will.  Wartburg won last year 24-21. Here's a slice of the exciting action. Wartburg wins.

Monday, October 8, 2012

The Infield Fly Rule

If you are like me, you hope you never hear the phrase, “Infield Fly Rule” again. However, Baseball has asked Humor Me to explain the Infield Fly Rule so that fans will just sit down, shut up and enjoy the game. Oh yeah, also buy the 14,000 alternative baseball caps. My commentary is in bold print.

An INFIELD FLY is a fair fly ball (not including a line drive nor an attempted bunt) (usually hit by a shortstop) which can be caught by an infielder with ordinary effort (whatever that means), when first and second, or first, second and third bases (or the ladies restrooms) are occupied , before two are out. The pitcher, catcher and any outfielder who stations himself in the infield on the play shall be considered infielders for the purpose of this rule. (Also for the purpose of this rule, an umpire will be stationed in the outfield of a playoff just to give him recognition for having to umpire all those Marlins-Astros games.)

When it seems apparent that a batted ball will be an Infield Fly, the umpire shall immediately (or whenever he feels like it) declare "Infield Fly'' for the benefit of the runners. If the ball is near the baselines, the umpire shall declare "Infield Fly, if Fair.''  (It would help if the umpire would flap his arms up and down while saying “Infield Fly if Fair”.)

The ball is alive and runners may advance at the risk of the ball being caught, or retouch and advance after the ball is touched, the same as on any fly ball. If the hit becomes a foul ball, it is treated the same as any foul. (The fans of the home team must then stand and do “The Chicken Dance”)

If a declared Infield Fly is allowed to fall untouched to the ground, and bounces foul before passing first or third base, it is a foul ball. If a declared Infield Fly falls untouched to the ground outside the baseline, and bounces fair before passing first or third base, it is an Infield Fly. (And we get to stand around in amazement as to how bright we are that we understand this rule.)

Rule 2.00 (Infield Fly) Comment: On the infield fly rule the umpire is to rule whether the ball could ordinarily have been handled by an infielder - not by some arbitrary limitation such as the grass, or the base lines (or time, space or common sense). The umpire must rule also that a ball is an infield fly, even if handled by an outfielder, if, in the umpire's judgment, the ball could have been as easily handled by an infielder. (So, shut up Atlanta. You shouldn’t have made three errors in the game.) The infield fly is in no sense to be considered an appeal play. (Shut up Atlanta. A murder conviction can be appealed. A judgment call can’t just can’t so shut up.) The umpire's judgment must govern, and the decision should be made immediately (or his definition of “immediately” which could involve weeks or months.)

When an infield fly rule is called, runners may advance at their own risk. If on an infield fly rule, the infielder intentionally drops a fair ball, the ball remains in play despite the provisions of Rule 6.05(l). The infield fly rule takes precedence. Fans are then allowed to throw plastic bottles of waters and/or beer onto the field in accordance with Baseball’s “HEY MAN THIS IS BULL FECES” clause in the fan agreement.  When fans agree to follow baseball, they agree that it is a game that has a lot of quirks, including, but not limited to, standing up and singing near the end of the game.

Additionally, if this play should happen to occur in a playoff game in New York, Boston, or Philadelphia, baseball will pretend that this rule does not exists. For the good of the game.

For a better review of this rule, here's Joe Posnanski

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

This Week's Picks

Something has come up that I need to address. It regards how I pick teams to win. I can assure you it is very scientific and does not include beer. I look at the teams playing and think: I wonder which one is going to win? That’s all. I don’t look at the last four recruiting classes or develop a matrix.  If one team has a better record than the other team, I usually pick the team with the better record to win.

Considering my method is just one step above the  Diane Chambers Method (picking winners by the color of their uniforms), I haven’t done too bad this  year. I’m averaging two losses a week, which if you consider I’m including a Division 3 game, is not too shabby. There’s not a lot of information regarding Division 3 teams and sometimes they don’t report the outcome of the game until the following month.

Some say that I pick Georgia Tech each week simply to coat them with what has been called “Manis Loser Rays”, because I have a history of pulling for things which have no chance of winning, including Bob Dole.  However, I can assure you that each time I picked Georgia Tech to win because they have talented athletes, an historic football tradition  and are in a major conference. I had no idea that they would lose to Middle Tennessee State, which lost to Bodreaux U McNeese State a couple of weeks ago. Don’t blame me, Tech, you lost that game yourself.

This Week’s Picks.

Dawgs vs. Chickens:  UGA got a scare last week when they barely held on against Tennessee. The Chickens are a better team than UT. The Old Grouchy Ball Coach always tries to get his team up for any game versus UGA because he is what many mental health professionals call "a jerk". I think UGA is a better team, but after the way they played last week, I can’t pick them. South Carolina wins.

(This is the last known photo of Steve Spurrier before he became insane.)

Wrecked vs Clempson:  Do you think I’m going to pick Tech to win another game this season? Their defense doesn't defend. Their offense is offensive. Paul Johnson looks like he’d rather be somewhere else.   If they keep on playing like this, he will be. Clemson wins.

 (Paul Johnson wondering where his defense is then realizing they are out on the field.)

THE STANK GAME OF THE WEEK: Arkansas vs. Auburn.  One team lost to ULM. The other team almost lost to ULM. Arkansas Head Coach John L.Smith is "looney as a betsy bug" as Meemaw Manis used to say (see below). They both will lose their jobs (the coaches-not Meemaw) .  Auburn will win. I guess.

Ellessyou vs. Lizards: This should be a good contest to see if LSU is for real.  Florida is good, but they’re just no match for the Tigers. As they say in Baton Rouge, " Laissez les bons temps rouler"! ("I've never seen that woman in my life and that kid don't even look like me!") LSU wins.

Mountain Mommas vs. Texsas: Geno Smith  threw for a billion yards and had 700 touchdown passes last week against Baylor. Question: did either team send a defense out on the field?  Texas has a better defense than Baylor.  Texas wins.

Georgia Southern vs Western Carolina.  This is Western Carolina's Homecoming Queen:

Needless to say, the Eagles win.

DIVISION 3 GAME OF THE WEEK: LOUISANA COLLEGE vs EAST TEXAS BAPTIST UNIVERSITY. You may have noticed that somebody learned how to add pictures to his blog. Well, there is a great picture of the President of Louisiana College, Dr Joe Aguillard, eating a worm. I felt it was important for my reading audience to know that there is at least one college president that is eating worms out there instead of caviar (if you just go by the cost of tuition). Unfortunately, there was technical difficulties. However, LC should smiteth  ETBU. LC wins.