A Fireside Chat With President Franklin Delano Obama

Good evening, this marks my four hundredth time I have spoken with you, my subjects, the American people, this week.

I have previously spoken to you about my wife’s vacation and how you have to go to Spain if you want to learn Spanish (duh) and that I did not ask the American people to pay for it. As I explained, we have a considerable amount of money stashed away from the sales of my two best selling books, both of which should be made into movies if you ask me. Can’t you see it, “Obama in 3-D” ? That would be epic.

Sorry, got a little carried away. I have also spoken to you about the crisis in the Gulf, the need to grow a green economy even if you don’t want to, and the need to eat well and don’t smoke even though every time you see me I’m eating an ice cream cone or drinking a beer and there are confirmed rumors that I’m taking a puff now and then.

We here at The White House understand that you little people are upset with the economy. I would be too if I didn’t have a job. But, I’m working. Believe me, I’m putting in six to seven hours a day in the Oval Office and plus anytime I have to talk to Vice President Biden, I count as overtime.

It is important to realize that the only way to have the economy humming again is to have the American people give all of their money to the government. That way you are not wasting your money on items like an iPad or a new TV.

We also understand that there is some frustration over our Immigration policy. Let me explain it.

If you are from Mexico and you want to live in the United States, you can just come on over. We got enough room here and plus we need the voters.

Let me describe those that oppose our policy. They are racist thugs who probably like killing people just to let out all of their racial thug-ness.

And there is another controversy and this involves a zoning issue in New York.

Normally, We in The White House would not get involved in local issues unless it involved a Harvard professor we thought was cool. But a valued American principle involved.

A group would like to put a Mosque near Ground Zero in Manhattan.

As you might know, there are no Baptist or Methodist Mosques. Only Islamic. If memory serves me right, the hijackers of the planes that flew into the World Trade Towers were Muslim.

This provides The United States with a great opportunity to show the Islamic world that we really, really, really like them and hope that they will soon tire of blowing up things just to show the world that they invented Algebra, which we really, really, really like too.

Now, I know that there are some that think this is a poke in the eye to the families of those that died on 9/11 and to the United States itself. I can only respond that those people are bigots and must be shamed in the public square.

America must never lose sight that everything is our fault and that nobody likes us because of this.

Good evening and tomorrow, I’m showing slides of The First Lady’s vacation.