Monday, December 26, 2011

2012 Election Headquarters

Here at Humor Me 2012 Election Headquarters, I and my staff (Gracie the Cat) have reviewed the upcoming 2012 Presidential election. We have come to two conclusions.

One conclusion is that Ron Paul supporters are everywhere. You could write a nice humorous bit about, oh, Christmas shopping and find your e-mail stuffed with e-mails from Ron Paul supporters about how great Ron Paul is.(How great? Answer: Ron Paul is very, very great.)


It is getting around to crunch time for the 2012 election. President Obama, after spending years lecturing us about the need to be civil has apparently decided to go all Karl Rove on the national rear end. The theme for the President’s re-election is VOTE OBAMA AND NOBODY GETS HURT. Four years ago this guy was all Skittles, Rainbows, and Unicorns. Now, he’s warning about giving the keys back to the people that got us into this ditch which he was supposed to tow us out of but it turns out that this economy thing is real complicated. The answer to all our economic woes: tax millionaires and billionaires, starting with families that make two hundred and fifty thousand a year.

There are two individuals leading in the GOP race. One is Willard Mittford (“Mitt”) Romney. The other is anybody else. First it was Tim Pawlenty, who got out when he discovered that Presidential candidates have to answer questions. Then it was Michele Bachmann, who believes an injection can instantly turn a human being retarded. Then it was Rick Perry, who turns out was retarded. Then it was Herman Cain who had 9-9-9 problems and the chick ain't one. Now it is Newt Gingrich or Ron Paul, depending on who you ask. Gingrich’s motto is “Hey, I’m Fundamentally A Different Guy Now”. He has couple of problems: 1) Everybody hates him and 2) Nobody likes him.

Here at Humor Me Political Headquarters, Gracie and I have concluded that the GOP nominee will be either Romney or somebody else. For some odd reason, Romney is not generating any buzz. Maybe it is all of those bumper stickers that read: Romney: Might as Well and Romney, I Guess.

Romney got a huge boast the other day when First President George Bush (aka: George Herbert Walker Winslow Nelson Bush) gave a sort of/kind of endorsement that only a Bush could give. “This Romney guy just might work out, I suppose”. First President Bush went on to describe that he thinks Newt Gingrich is a “Doo-Doo Head” despite being a “swell guy”.

The Iowa Caucuses are only a week away and you can count on us here at Humor Me 2012 Election Headquarters to keep you up to date with all of the latest news after we watch it on television and if there’s not a ball game on.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Gifts of Christmas Past

I was thinking about Christmas and all of the great presents I’ve received over the years.

When I was nine, my aunt gave me the twelve volume set of The American Heritage Book of The Presidents and Famous Americans. It started with Washington and went all the way to LBJ. Whenever I was bored I would pick up one of those books and read it. I knew more about James Garfield than any Fourth grader should know.

In January of 2013, someone, out of the blue, gave me this 12 volume set. Thanks

I liked getting electronics for Christmas. I always liked the smell of a new tape recorder or radio. Once, one of my brothers got a small reel to reel tape recorder and we all celebrated the birth of our Lord by burping into a small microphone and playing it back. That was the year Santa left us a race car track half finished and a note that said: “Get your daddy to finish putting this together”.

When our son, Ben, was around two years old, Santa decided to bring him a Cozy Coupe. If you’ve been near small kids at all in the past thirty years, you’ve seen this. It has wheels and looks like a Smart car.

This particular year, Santa decided to send one of his elves down to put the Cozy Coupe together while Ben was off with his mother somewhere. Unfortunately Santa sent one of his less mechanically inclined elves who took literal hours to put together this toy that should ordinarily take around 15 minutes to assemble. This elf was so distraught he left the toy business and went into medical insurance claims.

Christmas morning came and the Cozy Coupe was center stage into the front of the tree. Lori and I waited to see the joy on the face of our son-who, when he saw the tree ran straight to a $2.00 toy saxophone Santa got on sale at a drug store.

My favorite present story involves my parents. If there were two people less alike when it came to buying presents it was my mother and father.

My mother was one of those people that would finish her Christmas shopping in September because she hated the crowds at the store. One year, it was just me and her at home watching “Welcome Back, Kotter”. After the hilarity of “up your nose with a rubber hose”, a commercial came on about a new product known as The Shower Massage.

This is what going to high school was like in the 1970's

The Shower Massage was a shower head that would turn your regular shower into a “pulsating…incredible satisfying high performance shower experience” (from their current website). Also, if it is not set right, it can turn a bass into a soprano, if you catch my drift.

My mother announced, “I’m going to get that for your Dad”. Then a few days later she stopped at the K-Mart across from the Big Chicken (In Marietta, we have a Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant that is in the shape of a big chicken. We are so proud of it) and bought The Shower Massage. It may have been October.

Fast forward to the day after Thanksgiving. Mom let me take the car out so I could do a little Christmas shopping. However, before I left the house, my brother told me to stop by my Dad’s office and ask for some money to eat to lunch. A boy could work up a mighty strong hunger shopping for Christmas presents.

I stopped by Dad’s office and Old Man Manis was excited. He wanted to show me what he got Mom for Christmas. Dad had one huge flaw: he could not buy a present if his life depended on it. He told me, “Boy (He called me Alan approximately five times in my life. Most of the time it was Boy, Bud, or Son.) Look what I got your Momma”. He showed me a bag that had inside it: a Shower Massage.

I was trapped in an ethical dilemma. Whose Christmas to ruin? My Mom hated to go out into the Christmas shopping frenzy, at K-Mart, and I’m not too sure she really wanted a shower massage in the first place. My Dad was so proud of his gift. It was a real accomplishment in his eyes and I didn’t want to disappoint him. Plus, when it came to keeping secrets, my Dad couldn’t hold ice water. He would open his present and exclaim that Boy-Bud-Son-Alan (pick one) told him about it and then I would have to deal with my mother again.

Or: I could not say anything and watch the circus. I decided that would be the most fun.

Well, the big day came and I gave Mom and Dad their presents to each other (as the youngest, my job was to deliver presents). When Dad opened his present, he was totally confused. “Wait, what…this is your momma’s present!” (Although he opened a present that was not in the same wrapping paper as the one he had wrapped for Mom and the tag from Mom to him, somehow the presents got switched.) This mystery was solved when Mom opened her present and saw she got a Shower Massage too. Witnessing that became the gift that just kept on giving because I’ve thought about it every Christmas since 1975.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Rudolph Recap

In case you have missed this Christmas special that has appeared on television every year since 1964, here is the recap of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is a kind of/sort of puppet cartoon show based on the Christmas song that I once sang in Latin in high school. “Rudolphus rubrinasus fulgentissimo naso, vidisti et si eum dicas candere Ah, the memories of high school. It took years of therapy and medication to get over it.

It begins with spinning headlines of newspapers informing us that the weather is bad. Then we meet Sam the Snowman. He acts surprised that you have never seen a talking snowman with a goatee who plays the banjo and wears a vest but no pants. He begins telling a long story about how they almost had to cancel Christmas.

Why does he wear a hat? Wouldn't that make him warm?

As a kid, the idea of someone canceling Christmas ranked right up there with nuclear war as the worst possible thing that could happen. So Sam the Talking Goateed Snowman had our attention.

It seems Donner, Santa’s lead reindeer and Mrs. Donner had a baby buck. They named him Rudolph because they liked the name and they sent him to the finest school in town. Soon, they noticed his red nose and that “it glows”. Today, this would have meant Rudolph was “special”. Back in the 60’s, it just meant that it was another thing to hide from the neighbors, like Donner’s gambling habit.

The Shame of the Light Bulb Nose
Santa drops by to see the brand new baby and of course, he reinforces their prejudice against red noses, like it has anything to do with pulling a sleigh. Santa breaks out into a song about being the “king of jingle-ling”. This Santa is very self absorbed.

We are then introduced to a weird elf named Hermey who wants to become a dentist because “he doesn’t like being an elf”. This was the start of the Occupy North Pole movement. Anyway, Hermey decides to runaway from Christmas Town instead of doing what most elves would do: file a compliant with the Elf Union.

Just build a toy, hippie!
Donner puts a fake nose on Rudolph for Santa Sleigh try outs and perhaps have Rudolph invited to fly on a “travel team”. Coach Comet comes out with hat and whistle on making you wonder how he put on a hat and a whistle. Rudolph catches the eye of a striking doe named Clarice who has a bow on her head. She tells Rudolph that she thinks he is cute and Rudolph starts flying around. In the midst of the celebrating the great flying with a blond headed reindeer dude named Fireball, the fake nose pops off and Rudolph is cut from the team. Rudolph decides to runaway from home instead of doing what most reindeer would do: file a lawsuit against Coach Comet and Santa for discrimination.

Clarice is pretty hot for a reindeer

This reminds me of my PE coach in Junior High School
Rudolph and Hermey meet up. Neither understands the other but like all freaks, they decide to hang out together. Soon they meet up with the most annoying character in the show, Yukon Cornelius, a prospector who has a poodle in his dog sled team. They are soon confronted with the most terrifying creature in television history: THE SECOND TERM OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA. My mistake, it was the Abominable Snowman. The guys flee the attacking Abominable and make their way to The Island of Misfit Toys. The toys include a “Dolly for Sue”, whose problem is psychological. Just what we need: toys with issues.


I hid under my bed every time The Abominable come on from 1964 to 1987.

"I want the government to force my Catholic Law School to pay for my contraceptives."

The Island of Misfit Toys is ruled by King Moonracer, a lion with wings. He searches the world over for unwanted toys and brings them to his island. The toys just sit around and complain. It is an island full of liberal arts majors.

There was a lot of dialogue about "The Man" in this scene.

King Moonracer does not allow Rudolph and company to stay because the Island is just for toys. Rudolph is now the victim of reverse discrimination. He asks Rudolph to tell Santa about the island and to find home for the unwanted toys. If I was Rudolph I would have told him to fly over to Santa's house and ask him yourself

King Moonracer, in all of his regal wisdom, allows Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon to spend the night. Rudolph decides to run away, again, because he is afraid that the Abominable will capture and eat them because of his nose. It is always about you, Rudolph.

Clarice, Donner, and Mrs. Donner have a journey of their own: convincing Nancy Grace they had nothing to do with the disappearance of Rudolph. They soon begin their own search for Rudolph, just about the time Rudolph, who has become a Man Reindeer, shows up at his home cave. (Clarice has become a Woman Reindeer, sporting a matching bra with her bow). Of course, Rudolph runs into Santa Claus, who lays a big old guilt trip on Rudolph without mentioning that he helped reinforce that anti-red nose culture in Christmas Town in the first place.

Rudolph knows where to find Clarice and his folks because he sent Clarice a text from his iPhone that said "Whre R U ?". Her reply: "N cave w/UR flks . Donner has very bad gas. OMG, almost forgot, The Abominable is going to eat us". The Abominable hits Rudolph over the head with a rock. Then out of nowhere, Hermey and Yukon show up with a plan that involves pigs, removal of teeth and falling off of cliffs. When they realize Yukon has gone off the cliff with the Abominable, the reindeer bow their head in thanksgiving that these two creatures have suffered a very much deserved death. Unfortunately, that did not happen because of a little known law of physics called "Bumble Bounce".

Soon everyone is back at Christmas Town. Rudolph informs Santa about the loser toys. Santa gets a weather report. Christmas is canceled. But wait, Rudolph has a red nose! Christmas is saved! Yay! Everyone joins in singing “Holly Jolly Christmas”.(Raise your hand if you have ever sung these words: "Have a holly jolly Christmas. It's the best time. I don't know if they'll be snow, but let's go grab a beer.") Rudolph and the other eight reindeer take Santa to the Island of Misfit Toys. The toys jump in the sleigh. While flying high, an elf gives the misfit toys an umbrella and the toys jump out of the sleigh. These toys are so misfit, Santa cannot bring them to you. No, he just throws them out of the sleigh. If you find a toy in your yard this Christmas, you know where they are from.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

This Week's Picks

Last week was the annual edition of “Clean Old Fashioned Hate”: The Georgia-Georgia Tech football game. As rivalries go, it can be intense. It is not as brutal as Alabama-Auburn, which makes grown men poison trees. The Alabama-Auburn rivalry takes rivalry to an entirely new psychotic level.

The fans of UGA and Georgia Tech take to internet message boards to express themselves. Both sets of fans use common themes to describe the other school. Georgia Tech prides itself on being a very competitive academic institution and likes to point out that UGA is basically one big short bus. UGA just yells “Nerds” in the direction of Georgia Tech and points out it has better looking coeds.

Mark Bradley of the AJC, wrote a blog about the game, which Georgia won fairly easily. Here are two representative posts; one from a Tech fan and one from a Georgia fan

Also taking bids on having my septic tank pumped – any dawgs will get an extra $100 if they bark for me during the job”-Shine My Shoe Dawgs. This was posted after UGA won and you will notice that it does not make mention of the game, which was the topic of Mr. Bradley’s blog.

Dont have time to clean a septic tank. Ive got to do a performance review for about 4 tech grads. There will be lots of negative comments about star wars figures on the desk and the need for better social skills”- Turkeyneck. Despite the grammatical errors, I give Turkeyneck props for using the old reliable: the lack of social skills of smart people, which is always a hoot.

This Week’s Picks!

Dawgs vs. Ellessyou: The SEC championship is being held here in Atlanta and there is some talk that Georgia has a “puncher’s chance” against LSU. LSU is number one for a reason-they are the best college football team in the nation. I just don’t see a way for Georgia to win. Even if UGA won, LSU and Alabama will meet up again for the Mythical National Championship and there is nothing anybody can do about it so shut your pie hole. LSU wins.

Other Tech vs. Clumpson: The ACC Championship reminds me of the escalators at the mall. One side is going up and the other side is going down. Virginia Tech is going up. Guess which side Clemson is on? Virginia Tech Wins.

The State of Meechigan vs. WesCONson: The blog, Outkick The Coverage, reports that there is an ad in Craig's List offering to pay people $75.00 to attend the Big Ten Championship in Indianapolis. Stubhub is reporting ticket prices starting at $9.00. It is too bad that this game is getting negative press, because both teams are enjoyable to watch. I like Wisconsin a lot. Wisconsin wins.

Ducks vs. Leaderless Bears: UCLA made news this week by firing their coach for a 6-6 record. Hey, it was good enough to make it to the conference championship. Oregon will be there in one of their 4,000 uniforms. Oregon wins.

Old Dominion vs. Georgia Southern: Georgia Southern, winner of the Pabst Blue Ribbon “School of Edumacation Excellence” plays Old Dominion University in the second round of the FCS playoffs. The most famous alumni of Old Dominion: 2011 American League MVP/Cy Young award winner Justin Verlander. Other famous alumni include Ben Bailey (of “Cash Cab”) and the late Tommy Newsome (of Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show). Georgia Southern wins.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Annual Yule Time Compliant About Christmas Songs

In case you’ve missed it, we have entered the Christmas season. It is a time of good will to all men, except for the lady in the “Black Friday” Target commercials. The actress in this commercial was all excited about going to get the great deals at Target on "Black Friday". This is what Don Draper and Pete Campbell pitched the big wigs at Target. The commercials the public saw was a person in serious need of medication. Several of my Facebook friends mentioned how much they hated this woman, one even going so far as calling the woman a name that rhymes with “rich” and wanted her killed and/or fired. (Which would be a funny commercial, if you ask me.)

As long as we are complaining, let me add my yearly complaint about Christmas Songs. Here in the Atlanta area, we have two radio stations that play only Christmas music from Thanksgiving to Christmas. The music falls in to several categories.

Category One: Songs we all know and love sung by someone we don’t like. Usually this means Gloria Estefan.

Category Two: Novelty Christmas songs about the death of elderly relatives by reindeer, wanting the gift of zoo animals, and hula hoops (sung by a rodent).

Category Three: Christmas songs about doing it. (I mean this in the 70’s and 80’s meaning of the term.) The weather outside is frightful. Let’s do it! Later on, we’ll conspire, naked as jaybirds by the fire. It is hard to imagine what Jesus or the manger has anything to do with some of these songs. Whoever wrote “Santa Baby” should be ashamed of themselves.

Category Four: Various Rock Star Christmas Song. For every Bruce Springsteen “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” there is a Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmas Time”, which is probably the worst song Sir Paul ever wrote and that is saying something. My favorite dumb rock star Christmas song is by The Beach Boys in which they tell us “Christmas comes this time each year”. No wonder Brain Wilson laid in his bed for years. [Speaking positively, I need to add that the best rocking Christmas song is “Run, Run Rudolph” by Chuck Berry]

Category Five: “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. This song, according to James Lileks, is the Christmas song equivalent to “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. But it is more than that now. It is now part of the annual argument about the meaning of the most annoying Christmas song ever.

In the 70’s, when inflation was all the rage, the news anchors at all of the “Eye Action Witness News” would read a story about how much it would cost to give “your true love” all of the presents in “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. It would be some astronomical amount that would make Ma and Pa shake their heads and start opining about Christmas in The Depression, when people would draw their presents on pieces of paper, if they were lucky enough to have paper, and give them to their loved ones, if they were lucky enough to have any. But Christmas was better back then!

When I got to college, I was taking a history class about the Middle Ages and the professor causally mentioned “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and that all of the presents were birds! Of course, being armed with that knowledge helped me become the success I am today.

Years later, I was watching a Pastor on TV who said that “The Twelve Days of Christmas” written as a ‘catechism song’ to help young Catholics learn the faith. (The two turtle doves were the Old and New Testament; the four calling birds were the Gospels, etc) That turned my “the presents were all birds” lecture on its head and soon, even I, the history major, was telling people that this annoying song was a catechism song.

Of course, I missed the two warning signs about this interpretation of the song. One, there is no documentation or supporting evidence except “I heard somebody say” or “Someone sent it to me in an e-mail”. Two, it became popular in the 90’s, the same decade Bill Clinton became popular. That says it all.

I could go on and on. Country music singers have no business releasing Christmas albums. “A-weigh in a mayger, no creeb for his baid. The lil’ Lord Jaysus laid down his schwet haid”. That song by the group Alabama, “Christmas in Dixie” is just about a dumb as it gets.

Now that I’ve offended just about everybody, may all of your Christmases be white.

Monday, November 21, 2011

This Week's Picks

Broadcasting lost a legend this week with the passing of Larry Munson, who was the play by play announcer for the Georgia Bulldogs. You did not listen to Larry Munson-you experienced him. He was an absolute hoot because you never knew what would come out of his mouth (and I’m pretty sure he didn’t know either).

I loved the Munson moments during the games like everyone else. But I loved the other Munson moments, his “Larry Munson on Sports” which was on WSB-AM for years. During the latter years, Munson would speak more about “The Movie Group” and what they went to see then he would about sports. He would talk about seeing the latest Julia Roberts flick and how much he enjoyed it. Something about the thought of Larry Munson watching “America’s Sweetheart” strikes me as funny. I would pay to hear somebody imitate Larry Munson giving his review of “The Matrix”.

He also hosted “Bulldog Hotline”. “Bulldog Hotline” is the typical Deep South college football show. It is a show for the true believers- the ones that know that we have to get that kid from Waycross to sign, even if he has a 35 IQ and eats spaghetti with his fingers.

Larry: “Al from Austell, you’re on The Bulldog Hotline”.

Al: “Uh, Larry, I know it is early April but I’ve been looking over the schedule for not only this season but for the upcoming five seasons. I honestly don’t know how we can lose a game. I’ll hang up and listen to your answer.”

Larry: “I did the same thing too but I don’t know how we can win a game. Auburn signed a massive nose tackle from Columbus, and boy, it is just going to be rough to even field a team, much less play in a game.”

Larry Munson was simply a great radio broadcaster. We’ll never find another one like him or our pair of hob nail boots.

This Week’s Picks!

Dawgs vs. Bees: I am one of those unusual people who roots for both teams since I didn’t go to either school. Howevah, when it is UGA versus Tech, I root for Georgia since I’ve been washed in the blood of the lamb. Tech’s had an odd year-they beat Clemson handily, but almost blew it against Duke. Georgia slept walked against Kentucky last week. Georgia’s defense should be used to the triple option by now. Georgia wins.

Bamy vs. Eagles of War: Last Saturday, the Georgia Southern Eagles put up 21 points against Alabama, more than any other team this year. Auburn wishes they could put up 21 point against Bama. They also wish Cam Newton had a brother. Bama wins.

The Other White Meat vs. Went In Dumb-Come Out Dumb Too: The SEC has three of the top teams in The BCS rankings. It also has a team coached by Satan. LSU wins and goes to Atlanta.

Old Mess vs. Messy State: The annual Ole Miss-Mississippi State game is called “The Egg Bowl” for reasons known only to the people of the Great State of Mississippi. This year it should be called “The Rotten Egg Bowl” because both teams have stunk it up big time this year. At least, Mississippi State tries. The Other Dogs win.

The Only Ohio State University vs. Meechigan: Last week I picked Michigan to lose against Nebraska. Of course, the only game I called incorrectly last week-Michigan kicked some Husker hind ends. I always enjoy this game because I like seeing Ohio State lose, I’m not sure why. Maybe I’ll pray about it. Michigan wins.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

This Week's Picks

Two things since last week’s “Joe Must Go” post: One,if you listen to Mike McQueary, you get the impression he put a beat down on Jerry Sandusky. Then he called the cops, the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security, and The Super Friends. However, if you read the indictment, it seems like McQueary witnessed the crime and then went and got a Slurpee on the way to telling his dad that he finally understands what Sodomy means. Two: the interview Jerry Sundusky had with Bob Costas was a like a “Saturday Night Live ” skit except it was pathetic. Why his attorney allowed him to do that is another mystery in this awful case.

This Week’s Picks!

Mighty Dogs vs. Kenyucky: Remember several weeks ago when “The Playboy Club” was still on the air and everyone thought the next time Mark Richt was introduced it would be as the Head Coach of The Fighting Kennesaw State Owls? Well, UGA has run off a string of wins which means Mark Richt has learned how to coach and all is well with my soul. The first name of the head coach of Kentucky is Joker. Really. A win for the Dogs means they win the SEC East and all that comes with it: get whomped by LSU. Dawgs win.

Brains vs. Brains: Tech and Duke fight it out for the prized “Nerd Trophy” Tech had a rough time last week against the Other Tech. I cannot remember when they had a hard time with Duke. Bees win.

Mess State vs. Pigs: Personal confession time. I know several people that either have gone to Mississippi State and/or send their children there. I even know “Mr. Cowbell”, who doesn’t go to MSU, but dresses up like a cowbell to go to football games. (Ladies, you’ll be interested in knowing that there is no “Mrs. Cowbell”.) Every person I know that has anything to do with Mississippi State is happy they went there, even if their diploma contains the word “Mississippi”. Arkansas is coached by Satan. The Pigs win.

Elessyu vs. Ole Mess: LSU is having an incredible year in which they might be able to beat the Indianapolis Colts. Ole Miss is just a mess. Nothing has gone right and they have fired everybody connected with the football team. At one time in our country's history, this was a big time game. Of course, that was when Eisenhower was President. LSU wins.

Perv State vs The One and Only Ohio State University: Has there been any two schools whose seasons have been this awful for non-football related reasons? How Penn State can win another game is beyond me. Ohio State wins.

Huskers of Corn vs. Meechigan: One of the few feel-good stories of this college football season, Michigan has rebounded from its recent cruddy seasons and has started playing some pretty good football. Now we are back to wondering what they have on their helmets. In any event, Nebraska is a better team. Nebraska wins.

Georgia Southern vs. Alabama: The big news last week is that Georgia Southern (“Every Hour is Happy Hour”) won The Southern Conference last week. Their reward is getting beat up by Alabama. It would be cool if the Eagles win this game. It would be even cooler if People magazine named me “The World’s Most Sexist Man Alive”. Neither one is going to happen. Bama wins.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Coming Back to You (Newt)

Maybe I'm still hurting
I can't turn the other cheek
But you know that I still love you
It's just that I can't speak
I looked for you in everyone
And they called me on that too
I lived alone but I was only
Coming back to you
-Leonard Cohen

Back on March 29, 2011, Humor Me ran this piece entitled “Who Will Not Become President: Newt Gingrich”. Despite its brilliance I have won neither a Pulitzer nor Nobel Prize. If things keep going the way they have been, I may win the Dumb-Dumb of The Year Award, although Mike Smith (Head Coach of The Atlanta Falcons) and Rick Perry (Highly Functional Retard) are running neck and neck.

I made two valid points: 1) Nobody likes Newt Gingrich and 2) Everybody hates him. I was not expressing my opinion about Newt Gingrich. I’ve always found him interesting and very smart. I’ve found the vitriol expressed about him a little over the top. Of course, a lot of that is from the Offices of James Carville, who invented the Democrat party dog and pony show of claiming Republicans are vile creatures, worthy of only contempt while Democrats are only filled with sweetness and light.

One of the things good about Gingrich is that he doesn’t look like he is about to wet his pants because a reporter asks a hard question. Look back at Tim Pawlenty being asked about “Obamney Care” and then look at the typical question Gingrich is asked. Gingrich looks like he enjoys it. Most of the others, and I’m looking at you Rick Perry, look like they don’t.

I have written that I think Mitt Romney will be the nominee and he may become President. I still do. While it is not a “lock”, President Obama has a record and especially on the economy, it is not good. He’s sort of an odd duck President. We still don’t know that much about him except all of his supporters keep telling us he is a combination of Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Kennedy. He might be. It doesn’t look like it to me.

The knock of Romney is that he is a “flip-flopper” and has no “core” set of principles like Reagan. He’s robotic. He is “Mr. Perfect”. His hair is never out of place. He might appoint Donny Osmond as Secretary of State.

This means there is a market, right now, in Republican circles for somebody that is not Mitt. First it looked like Tim Pawlenty. He bailed and Michele Bachman rose to the top. Then she bottomed out and Rick Perry rose. Rick Perry fell for three reasons: 1) He’s a total Maroon; 2) He has no brain; and …, well. I forgot the third one. Oops. (One of the great ironies of this race is a bunch of campaign staff left Gingrich because he went on a vacation and went to work on the Perry campaign).

Perry’s meltdown led to Herman Cain’s rise in the polls. Cain is not only the first serious African-American Republican candidate; he is also the first candidate since Thomas Dewey with a mustache. People like Cain’s style and they like his “999” plan. Unfortunately, some women have come out of the woodwork and he doesn’t seem too sharp when it comes to foreign policy.

This brings us back to Newt. Newt is not a new face on the scene. Here’s the good news: there’s no new surprises about Newt Gingrich. The bad news: he has as about as much baggage as Samsonite. He’s been married three times. He supposedly gave his first wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital for cancer surgery. He was fooling around on his second wife with his third wife while he was trying to impeach President Bill Clinton.

Maybe Gingrich can rise above it. The most popular person in the Democratic Party is Bill Clinton who based his life on Letters to Penthouse. (“I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. There I was in the Oval Office alone with Ruth Bader Ginsberg...”) I wouldn’t count on it though. Gingrich is in the wrong party for sex not to matter.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Joe Had To Go

To paraphrase Rick Perry, if you could read about the sexual abuse claims against former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky and not want to vomit, you have no soul. If you could read about Joe Paterno’s limp response and believe he should have been able to dictate when he left Penn State, you have no brain.

Coach Paterno’s lackadaisical action during the past nine years shows a person that apparently cared about one thing: wins and losses on the football field. The fact that children were being raped at his facility seems not to have concerned him in the least.

Victim Two was 10 years in 2002. My son was 11 years old that year. This child was raped in a Penn State locker room shower by Jerry Sandusky. While this was occurring, a graduate assistant coach stumbled upon the crime and he did what any human being would do: beat the fecal matter out of this low life and then called the police.

This would have happened if it was not in a world controlled by an egomaniacal college coaching legend. Instead, this graduate assistant coach, (who nine years later is the Penn State recruiting coordinator) immediately left the premises and called his dad. After that, this young man called Coach Paterno. At that moment, this icon of college sports sprung into action and called…..the athletic director, which at Penn State is like General McArthur calling Beetle Bailey.

I’m going to make this easy, so that even a football player can understand it. If you walk into the showers of a locker room and you see a grown man raping a child, you are to call the police first-not your dad. I’m even going to make this so easy, even a football coach can understand it. If anyone approaches you and tells you that they just saw a man raping a young boy, you are suppose to call the police-not your boss.

You would think Coach Paterno would have been horrified by what happened in 2002. It took him a while, about nine years. In the written statement announcing his retirement he said, “I am absolutely devastated by the developments in this case. I grieve for the children and their families, and I pray for their comfort and relief”. It would have been nice to grieve for the children and their families in 2002. It would have been nice to pray for their comfort and relief in 2002. But hey, when Michigan is on the schedule you got to take what you can get, kid.

You would think the NCAA would have something to say about all of this. I’m sure someone will point out there’s not a lot they can do about it. That’s probably correct. After all, it was only children being raped-not something serious like a player getting a free tattoo. If that happened, The NCAA would be all over it like a duck on a June bug.

Penn State University hasn’t responded better. The administration knew this former defensive coordinator was a sexual deviate and was dangerous to be around children. Yet, for years, they allowed this creature access to its facilities to be around children. Their response: they were going to appoint a committee to “investigate”.

Finally, The Board of Trustees stepped in and fired Paterno and the President of The University. Some students of Penn State, showing all of the cognitive thought processes that college students are supposed to have, started to riot. It wasn’t fair to Joe, after all he’s done for the university.

True, Paterno did a lot for Penn State University. He just didn’t do anything for Victim Two.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

This Week's Picks

It was an exciting game between two teams with identical records. In the end, three points separated the winner from the loser. Of course, I am talking about the Ursinus Cavities-Muhlenberg game. The Mules (really, that’s their name) defeated the Cavities 27-24 in front of a crowd of several, including two Aunt Barbs and an Uncle Bob. In The Muhl Blog (actual name of the blog) it describes the last second heroics of Andrew Onimus, an Accounting major who blocked the possible game tying field goal with 2.7 seconds left in the game. Mr. Onimus said blocking the kick was “so amazing”. Make sure you click there on The Muhl Blog to watch the game saving block.

There was another game last Saturday between two teams with identical records in Tuscaloosa that some analysts say was as exciting as watching paint dry while others claim it was as exciting as unloading the dishwasher. In these highly partisan times, I think both sides are right. However, it is always pleasant to see Nick Saban being outwitted by Forrest Gump’s stunt double.

This Week’s Picks

Dawgs vs. War Tigers: The Georgia-Auburn rivalry is the oldest college football rivalry in the South. You know what that means: lots of yelling and cussing. UGA needs to win this game so they can go to the SEC Championship and be destroyed by LSU. UGA is regaining the services of freshman running back Isaiah Crowell, who was suspended due to Wacky Weed use for one whole game. Fortunately, Coach Softee is an expert at picking up the spirits of criminals who might have felt a minute of discomfort. Auburn is playing much better than expected considering they lost not only Cam Newton but also a tree from last year. Georgia needs to win this one, but they don’t play well against good teams. Auburn wins.

Bee Tech vs. Turkey Tech: After we got off-no make that- jumped off the Georgia Tech bandwagon after two pedestrian performances against Virginia and Miami, The Bees opened a can of Whoop-up on Clemson. I had penciled the Clemson and the Virginia Tech games as losses for Coach Happy’s team at the beginning of the season. Now, I’m not so sure. I’m tempted to just say “Tech wins” and leave it at that. But, we don’t do things like that at Picks Central. Georgia Tech wins.

Ducks vs. Trees: Oregon despite their dreadful color scheme is a very good team. Sanford is led by this year’s Heisman Trophy apparent winner before the votes are counted, Andrew Luck. Luck is one of those student-athletes that makes good grades in a difficult major and appears to be a nice guy. Of course, that doesn’t prevent us from mentioning he looks like the love child of Jethro Bodine and Miss Jane Hathaway. I think Oregon is the better team. Oregon wins.

Georgia Southern vs. Wofford: Georgia Southern who is the only school in the country that has a Jim Morrison lyric in the Alma Mater (“I woke up this morning and got myself a beer”) has been in a little slump. The Eagles lost to Ap State and barely beat The Citadel. However, Wofford’s nickname is “The Terriers”. (Not “The Rabid Terriers” or “The Fighting Terriers” or “The Barking and Won’t Shut Up Terriers"-just “The Terriers”) The Eagles roll up a newspaper to whack these puppies on the snout to win The Southern Conference. Georgia Southern wins.

Birmingham-Southern vs. Millsaps: Last week, Birmingham-Southern (school motto: “There Are Other Schools Besides Alabama and Auburn”) defeated Rhodes College 54-0. They’ll finish the season against the Millsaps Majors. This has been a good season for the Panthers. They should defeat Millsaps. Birmingham-Southern wins.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

This Week's Picks

This is the game we have been waiting for. The most talked about game of the season. A game that should live forever in annals of college football history.

I’m referring to Ursinus vs. Muhlenberg College.

When these two teams get together, it is the talk of every Perkins in Eastern Pennsylvania. The Ursinus Cavities bring a 5-3 record into Scotty Wood Stadium, named after the famous Muhlenberg alumnus, Scotty Wood Stadium, to face “The Mules” ( I am not making this up). The Mules also have a 5-3 record.

I’m going out on a limb here and picking The Mules in this game. They have a stubborn defensive.

This week’s picks!

Dawgs vs. Other Aggies: I guess it is too much to wish that UGA could make it through a year without having a scholar-athlete suspended for various crimes and misdemeanors. Isaiah Crowell, the latest in a long line of New Herschel Walkers, has been suspended from this one game by Coach Hardnose, Mark Richt, for testing positive for Wacky Tobacky. New Mexico State is 3-5, so this should be an easy win for Georgia even without Crowell. Georgia wins.

Pigs vs. Chickens: Steve Spurrier and Bobby Paterino are two the most reviled coaches in the SEC, mainly because they are amoral egotistical jerks (and those are their good qualities). It is hard to imagine how South Carolina can win without Marcus Lattimore. Therefore I'm going to do write something I promised myself I would never write: Arkansas wins.

Georgia Southern vs. The Citadel: Last week, Georgia Southern (whose slogan is “There are bars everywhere down here!”) flew into Boone, North Carolina and proceeded to lay an egg against Ap State. Although they wear the ring at The Citadel (obscure Pat Conroy reference alert), they should be no match for Georgia Southern. Georgia Southern wins.

Birmingham-Southern vs. Rhodes: The Panthers are in the midst of a two game losing streak. Supposedly, the coaches have told The Panthers this week to "Hit the Rhodes, Jack" (Sorry). Birmingham-Southern wins.


Ellessyew vs. Bama: The supposed best two teams in college football, although there is really no way of knowing this, clash in T-town in what should be a game of epic proportions. LSU is number one and Alabama is number two. They are equal in most aspects. They both have great defenses. They both have rabid mentally insane fans, some of whom ACTUALLY WENT TO THE SCHOOL. Alabama has the superior running game and a coach that is probably a genius. On the other hand, LSU’s coach, Les Miles, is a highly functioning retard. Alabama is a little young at quarterback and hasn’t had the opportunity to commit a felony like the starting LSU quarterback. LSU wins, but it will be close.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Rocked Like A Herman Cain

Stop me if you have heard this before: a powerful man makes either crude remarks, unwanted sexual advances, or does something totally inappropriate in front of a woman that is his subordinate. We do not need graphic interpretations. Men know what is crude. Men know what a sexual advance is and if it is wanted. Men know what is inappropriate. What men do not know (and I speak from experience unlike Chaz Bono, I’ve been a dude all of my life) what “physical gestures that were not overtly sexual but that made women who experienced or witnessed them uncomfortable” means.

If we are going to banish Herman Cain to the Land of The Caught Perverts, we ought to know what he did that was so offensive.

This is not at all surprising. We are in a media age in which people scream daily that we should to talk about the “issues” but we rarely do because we are sitting around trying to define non overt sexual gestures that still made two woman uncomfortable.

Also, and this is just a pet peeve of mine that may not be true. With Democrats, the media holds and delays publishing stories until you have a video tape, Twitter pictures, or DNA. With Republicans, hold the presses because any old story will do.

Some of this is Herman Cain’s fault. He knew Politico was going to publish the story ten days before it appeared. That is plenty of time to get your stuff in the same sock, as we say down here. Maybe if his campaign manager would focus on the campaign instead of trying to make cool commercials, Cain could have gotten out in front of the story and it would have been old news by now.

One thing about Cain, he is the only candidate that has any real buzz at this time of the process. Mitt Romney? Sometimes it seems like the Romney campaign has various slogans: Mitt Romney. I Guess. Mitt Romney-Might As Well. Where Cain came up with the nifty (if probably flawed idea) “9-9-9”, Romney has a 400 point economic plan. (This is another thing that frosts me: can anyone simply explain President Megamind’s jobs plan? You can’t because it is a bunch of Liberal Arts/Union balderdash)

Rick Perry recently came out with an economic agenda that he promised to “bump plans” with Cain, whatever that meant. Actually, a lot of things with Rick Perry make you scratch your head. He’s got a ton of money and he's written about a lot, but he hasn’t made a good impression with voters. That is because he is a baboon. Maybe with his flat tax plan, Perry can get back on track and try to make a better impression. I doubt it. He was supposed to be this second coming of Reagan, unlike like the last Texas governor that ran for President. He seems like the least likable guy in the Alpha Betas fraternity.

I’m not a big Herman Cain supporter. This latest episode is just another reason in a long list of why people do not run for President. Lord knows, there might be an incident fifteen years ago when you did a gesture that was not sexual but still made a couple of people uncomfortable. Why would anyone want to put up with that?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Little Boy In A Big Locker

This is a repeat from another blog I started named "Wierd". It was going to be blog specifically about growing up in East Marietta in the '70's. It is titled "Wierd" because that is way everyone at Wheeler High School spelled "Weird". I soon discovered having one blog is hard enough, but having two is impossible if you anything else going on in your life, such as a job. "Wierd" is no more, but, here is the story I posted in it about the time I got trapped in my locker.

One of the differences between the 70’s and now is that back in the 70’s schools had lockers and kids went to their lockers between classes to get their books for the next class.

Unlike those of my son’s generation who carried a four hundred pound backpack to every single class. There will be some wealthy chiropractors in the future.

When I entered 7th grade at East Cobb Junior High School, it was my first encounter with a locker. Some how, some way, I lucked out and got a big locker.

At East Cobb, lockers came in two sizes: big and small. The small locker was actually a compartmentalized big locker-instead of the one locker, it was two: one stacked on top of the other. The big locker was the size of the two small lockers. At the top of the locker, it had a shelf and it has enough room for a couple of coats.

It was like this: if you had a small locker, it was bad. It barely had enough room for your books and your coat when it was winter. That is, if you didn’t have to share it. A lot of kids had to share a small locker, dividing the top and bottom with a piece of wood. In this case there is only room for the kid’s books. No other item could go in the locker.

How you got a big locker was strictly up to chance. It just depended where you had home room. My home room was next to a set of big lockers, so there you go.

It was beauty, too. It was the first locker in the row, right out side of the Spanish class, taught by a refugee of Castro’s Cuba who had a germ phobia. My combination was 17-5-19. That’s pretty good considering those are numbers from 1971-1972. I’ve had a cell phone, since 1998 and I’ve never learned the cell phone number.

One day before school started, me and a bunch of guys were doing what the East Cobb kids did back then: hang out in the halls. Somebody, and I'm not sure who, said, “Hey Manis”. [ Whenever somebody in my life has said, “Hey Manis”, I know nothing good will follow it] “Why don’t you get into the locker and let us close the door so you can tell us what it is like in a locker?”

To understand why I agreed to this is to understand that I am the type of short person that tries to get along with everyone I possibly can out of the realization that everybody can beat me up. So I agreed.

I got into the locker and the door was shut. There were slits in the door, so I could see out a little bit. The guys were in fine form. “Uh, what’s that combination again, oh man, the locker’s jammed! You may have to stay in there all night”.

I was okay. I knew they were clowning around and then I heard that voice.

The voice of Tater. [Note: not his real name. When I published this last year someone on Facebook remembered this kid and published his full name.]

Tater was a kid I feared and for some reason he smelled the fear and came around me as much as he could. He was a tough hombre, only 7th grader I have ever met that had a tattoo. He also, and this is the truth, chewed on a tooth pick all day, like he was some sort of Robert Blake impressionist.

“Maaaaaaanis…are you in there?” I wanted to say, No, Tater, I’m not in here, but I was very certain I would get out and I wouldn’t want Tater to be mad with me.

For you see, I not only feared Tater, I would have dreams about Tater throwing me off of the Holt Road bridge into Sope Creek. He was my own personal Freddie Kruger.

“Hold on, I’ll get you out” and with that he began punching the locker door like he was Joe Frazier. It was very loud and I’m not sure how he thought beating the door was going to help me. It seemed to help him.

“Did you feel that?” he asked. Um, no, Tater, I haven’t become one with the locker door, but again I wussed out and said it was okay.

Then the bell rang for home room. Everybody left. I was stuck in my locker. Alone. So I did the only thing I could think off: kick the door and yell for help.

It felt like a long time, but it probably wasn’t when Sammy Lawhorne came up and opened my locker, letting me out. I was late to home room for the first and only time of the year. The teacher didn't ask me why I was late.

If that had happen today, I’m pretty sure a movie would have been made out of it or at least a reality TV show. But, by the time third period rolled around, it was yesterday’s news except somebody told my math teacher, Mrs. Fussel, who said I could have died. Nobody got in trouble and now that I think about it I’m not sure I ever told my mother about it.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

This Week's Picks

Last weekend, Mrs. Picks and I went to Statesboro, Georgia (“You’ll Get Used To The Gnats. Maybe”) and watched The Eagles of Georgia Southern University tear apart the Blue Hose of Presbyterian College. You may wonder what a “Blue Hose” is. According to the website,, a Blue Hose is an “old woman”. Seriously, it is a “fierce Scottish warrior”, although at times last week they played like old women.

At the beginning of all Georgia Southern home games, a bald eagle named “Freedom” (real name: Bubba) flies from the press box at the top of the stadium to the field, much like the Auburn War Eagle “Spirit” (real name: Earl). A couple of games ago, “Freedom” took his name seriously and flew off the top of the stadium and just kept going. He was found hours later at Paula Dean’s restaurant in Savannah sporting a couple of new tattoos.

There was much concern about Freedom and if he would try to skip town again, although, if you’ve been to Statesboro, you understand his side of the story. I’m happy to report that at our game, Freedom behaved himself and did not fly outside of the Metropolitan Statesboro area. However, I did see him smoking a cigar at halftime.

This Week’s Picks!

Dawgies vs. Crocs: UGA travels to Jacksonville, Florida, which is supposedly half way between Gainesville, Florida and Athens for another meeting of the world’s formerly largest cocktail party. Over the past twenty some odd years, this has been the world's largest gathering of clinically depressed Georgians. However, this year the Gators have lost three in a row coming into this game while the Dawgs have won five in a row. Stop me if you have heard this before: this should be a win for UGA. Dawgs win (but it will not be pretty).

Clemmy vs. Buzzed: You wouldn’t know that Georgia Tech has lost only two games. Tech looked good when they were playing lesser teams, running that famous Coach Happy’s Triple Option. Now they are playing pretty good teams and the Triple Option looks like one bad choice. That thud you hear is everybody jumping off the band wagon. Wait, Tech always plays Clemson hard and they usually win. Not this year. Clemson wins.

Sparty vs. Huskers of Corn: This is one of those bruising Big Ten battles where all of the lineman look like they were fed specially formulate grain in a trough. Michigan State barely beat Wisconsin. I think they’ll beat Nebraska. Michigan State wins.

Baptist Bears vs. The Best Team In Oklahoma and It Isn’t Oklahoma: Oklahoma State is the alma mater of a buddy of mine that is probably one of the smartest people I have ever met. I’m happy for him and his school. It is tempting to go with Baylor because of Robert Griffin III, but even he cannot beat Cowboys by himself. The Cowboys win.

Georgia Southern vs. Appalachian State: Appalachian State, whose motto is “Making a difference in the world one student at a time” is a hated rival of Georgia Southern whose motto is “I like beer, it makes me a jolly good fellow”. The Eagles have been on a roll and is ranked number one in the FCS polls. There appears to be something just a little off about this year’s Mountaineer team. Eagles win again.

Birmingham-Southern vs. Trinity University: The Panthers have lost only one game this year. Here comes their second test, Trinity University which according to their website has “An inspiring faculty, bright and engaged students, an energized community, and the chance to do it all”. It also has humility. Trinity has done pretty well also this year. It ought to be a good D3 game. Panthers win.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

This Week's Picks

Oh well, another fall, another Todd Grantham acts like a baboon story.

Last week, the mighty Georgia Bulldogs traveled to Nashville, Tennessee to face off against Vanderbilt University. In the past, the match-up was a breather for Georgia because Vanderbilt is one of those hoity-toity schools that want smarty pants students like what’s on “The Big Bang Theory” rather than a winning football team.

Well, in this game, Georgia had to have what my buddy and expert Georgia alumni Nick Chafin calls “The Georgia Grease”. This means UGA had to get lucky to win. Against Vanderbilt.

The game ended and the head coach of Vanderbilt, who has definite short man syndrome, started hollering at a Georgia player and then Grantham runs over and F-Bombs the Vandy coach. On camera.

Maybe it is just me, but I can’t for the life of me imagine Vince Dooley running over to Bear Bryant dropping F-Bombs looking like he forgot all he learned in his anger management courses. Maybe it happened and because the way TV was back then, it wasn't shown . All I know is that Grantham’s boss (Mark Richt) described the behavior as “horse (poo)”. That's like seeing The Pope giving you the finger.

Wow, Grantham made Mark Richt cuss about a game at Vanderbilt. Good thing they have the week off.

This Week’s Picks!

Bees vs. The U: Speaking a bad day, Georgia Tech lost to a team that barely beat the Mighty Potatoes of Idaho. You can imagine how Coach Happy took it: blamed it on the players. Miami is an okay team, but I don’t think they can beat the Buzz. Bees win.

Heels of Tar vs. Clemmy: Besides Tech, the surprise team in The ACC is Clemson. North Carolina is just waiting on basketball season. Clemson wins.

Okie State vs. SEC Newbie: Oklahoma State really has one problem this season: it is in the same state as Oklahoma. Missouri is now the newest member of The Southeastern Conference despite the well known fact it is in the middle of the country. Cowboys win.

War Tigers vs. Ellessyew: Another week, another team for LSU to beat. Auburn is just waiting for the time when they move to The SEC East and dominate. As they say in the city of the Red Stick, “Laissez les bons temps rouler.” ("Quick, do you have the name of a good bail bondsman?") LSU wins.

Rocky Topped vs. Bamy: Another good buddy of mine, Terry McCoy, went to the LSU-Tennessee game last week and reports that a prayer was uttered over the PA before the game started. It still didn’t help Tennessee. As for this game, Tennessee needs all the prayers it can get. Bama wins.

Georgia Southern vs. Presbyterian College: Georgia Southern, home of The Pabst Blue Ribbon Laboratories of Excellence, face off against the frozen chosen of Presbyterian College. The motto of Presbyterian College is "Dum Vivimus Servimus" (“I stayed up until three playing Halo”). It also the home of “Cyrus the largest bronze statue of a Scotsman in the world”, just in case you were wondering where the largest bronze statue of a Scotsman was located. Despite this, Georgia Southern wins.

Louisiana College vs. Sul Ros State University: My dear other alma mater is playing a school where the second largest bronze statue of Scotsman is located. Sul Ross was named after the famous Texas governor, Rick Perry. The Wildcats win again.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Occupy This: My Demands!

Over the past month, we have been treated to news stories about “Occupy Wall Street”. Depending upon your point of view, “Occupy Wall Street” is either a rag-tag band of naive young people trying to stick it to the MAN or a bunch of smelly hippies. My bet is on the smelly hippies, but I grew up during the 60’s and the 70’s when everyone was trying to “change the world; rearrange the world” to quote either Crosby, Stills, Nash, or Young (I think it was the least interesting one of the bunch: Graham Nash). So forgive me if I yawn about this movement because it reminds me of a title of an Elton John song, “I’ve Seen That Movie, Too”.

The last “populist” movement to spring up was “The Tea Party” which was ignored for the first several moments of its life and then finally called racist. Generally, the Mainstream Media has given “Occupy Wall Street” the kid gloves treatment, which is reserved for only the most precious of movements even though there is about as many African-Americans in “Occupy Wall Street” as there are in the “The Tea Party”.

So far, “Occupy Wall Street” is upset about a lot of things, mainly that they have to pay back their student loans. Somehow, this is the fault of Wall Street. The last time I checked, there wasn’t a single Wall Street executive sent to private homes to drag students out to private colleges and make them major in English.

They, of course, have a lot of other demands and speaking of 99% that is just about the amount that is silly. The other 1% is simply delusional. Such as having a minimum wage of $20 an hour, begin a fast track to end the fossil fuel economy (man, they got this car that runs entirely on water…), 1 trillion dollars in infrastructure, and Skittles for everybody!

Last week, at the Republican debate, one of the reporters asking the questions seemed to take “Occupy Wall Street” very seriously. This caused me to reflect upon my own life. I think my problem in life is that I have never occupied anything and made a demand. So in the spirit of “Occupy Wall Street, I have decided to list my demands. Right on!

• All women should be hot and laugh at my jokes.

• Speaking of women, no women play by play announcer for football games. I'm looking at you, ESPN.

• When you purchase a cable TV package, you should be able to pick and choose only the channels you want. That means, if I don’t want forty Spanish channels, 13 “music” channels that don’t feature music but people I never heard of cursing at each other, or 16 cooking channels, I shouldn’t have to pay for them.

• Preachers should stop wearing those microphones that make them look like an operator of the phone company. If the label microphone was good enough for Peter and Paul, it should be good enough for them.

• Department stores should carry shoes sizes of all men. Including me (I have small feet. Shut up.)

• The phrase: “You see, what had happen was” will be outlawed.

• Starbucks will change their cup sizes from “Tall”, “Grande”, and “Venti” to “Small”, “Medium”, and “Large”.

• The latest start time for a baseball game: 4:00.

• The immediate destruction of anything that resembles something Ed Hardy might make.

• Just one tattoo per person.

• Less Stevie B’s – More Captain D’s!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

It's (Almost) All Over Now, Baby Blue

There was another GOP debate the other night. This one was held in New Hampshire and the gimmick in this one was, get ready, all of the candidates were seated at a table. Man, didn’t see that coming. I remember one time I saw a debate in which the candidates were sitting at a desk. But a table? Whoa, that’s an innovation.

Here is a quick rundown on each candidate and their performance

Jon Huntsman: Of all the candidates I have watched in the past thirty some odd years, Huntsman is one of the oddest. It is like you take all of the annoying people from high school and mold it into one person-that’s Jon Huntsman. He’s one of those guys that thinks he is funny, but he is not. He lifted the joke about Cain’s “9-9-9” plan from Karl Rove (that’s who you’re going to for your jokes: Karl Rove) and it wasn’t that funny to begin with. I have the feeling he is running for President just so he can tell people he can speak Chinese.

Michelle Bachman: Kudos to Bachman; she found another way to remind us that she is the mother of 28 children (“Five biological, twenty three foster”). She looked better with her hair pulled back. She brought out a fact about some tax that has just expired that was started around The Spanish-American War (which Ron Paul voted against!). She has an odd laugh that sounds like a goose heading South for the winter. She seems to think you should look at a plan upside down to see if Satan is in it.

Rick Perry: The good news of his performance was that he did not tell the American people they were heartless if they didn’t think children of illegal aliens deserved in-state tuition. The bad part is that he looked like uncomfortable most of the time, like the Jock accidentally put in an Advanced Placement class. He looked like he would rather be eating wings at Hooters.

Herman Cain: Earned the coveted “Next to Mitt in the Middle” seat by being the Non-Romney du jour. He had a good line about being “po” . His argument for his “9-9-9” plan is: it is simple and it will work. I will say this, he knows how to sell a plan. Maybe if Obama worked in a store, he would understand how the economy works.

Mitt Romney: He hasn’t simply won every debate so far. He has dominated the debates. He is quick on his feet and intelligent. You won’t have to worry about gravitas with Romney. He is a much better candidate this time that he was four years ago. Get used to saying “President Romney”. Just like I said last year (Humor Me: June 8, 2010)

Ron Paul: Here is my prejudice about Ron Paul.Ron Paul represents the dumb-dumb brand of Libertarianism. Libertarianism used to be about minding your own business. Now, apparently, it is all about “The Fed” and being able to smoke dope.He just seems like an odd bird.

Newt Gingrich: If Gingrich was not a thrice married relic of the 80’s and 90’s, he would be a major player. He is still like the good professor in college who is always coming with new and interesting lectures. Unlike our current professor in The White House who gives the same old lecture all the time. (Answer to any question: Millionaires and Billionaires)

Rick Santorum: Santorum spends a good bit of time complaining that nobody asks him any questions. He seems just as smart as Bachman and Huntsman. He hit Cain hard with some good questions. Just doesn’t connect with people. Maybe if he would just make a pizza.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

This Week's Picks 10/12/11

The big news this week is that Steve Spurrier has finally decided to go ape fecal crazy in Columbia, South Carolina.

Spurrier entered his weekly news conference with the Metro Columbia media, which included Bub, Bubba, Shane, R.L., and Kenny, and proceded to go on this rant about Ron Morris, a columnist for the local paper and a story Morris wrote back in April. With most sane individuals, the time to complain would have been, oh, April. Spurrier, basically said that Morris fabricated the entire article and therefore, Spurrier will no longer talk with Morris. Again, with most people, even those on medication, this would have occurred in, oh, April.

However, there may have been a method to his madness. Spurrier has decided to drop quarterback Stephen Garcia from the team because: A) Garcia doesn’t behave himself, although he’s been this way for the entire time of his 35 year college career and B) Garcia really stinks as a player. So instead of announcing that he’s kicking Garcia to the curb, he does a drama about a sportswriter. He lets the SID do it via e-mail. Classy.

This Week’s Picks!

Bow-Wows vs. Commode Doors: Just a few weeks ago, it seemed like Mark Richt was ready to rent a U-Haul. Now he is showing up in Atlanta area Ford truck commercials. While UGA is not the best team to come down the pike, a good Vanderbilt team is still a Vanderbilt team. Dawgs win.

Bees vs. Ol’Virginny: Years ago, during a “causal dress” day at work, I was wearing a nice Virginia t-shirt. Someone came up and asked me where I got the “Virgin” shirt. Anyway, I can’t see Virginia play without thinking of that story which is why I don’t call many Virginia games. The tough part of the schedule starts next week, GT. Bees win again.

Clucks vs. Other Bulldogs: Spurrier brings his revamped Shaw led offense (hand off to the best player in the SEC twice then throw to the best receiver) to Stark-vegas to face our poor lil’ under performing Other Bulldogs. If MSU were a politician, they would be Rick Perry. UPSET ALERT: Other Bulldogs Win !

Ellessyew vs. Rocky Topped: LSU is the only school in the world that would have a punter flagged for taunting. That’s how their year is going-even their punter has this LSU attitude. Meanwhile, in Knoxville, the coach’s mom is defending him on radio while he is worried about the color of his britches. Look for Barbara Dooley to take out that punter if things get out of hand. LSU wins.

Furman vs. Georgia Southern: The Eagles won last week due to the opposing head coach being legally insane. GATIC (Get After Those Insane Coaches) Eagles win.

Centre vs. Birmingham-Southern: For the first time, Birmingham-Southern has made it into the top 25 of the D3 rankings. Centre is a big rival. Panthers win.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

This Week's Picks

I may write about this next week, but I was caught off guard by the seriousness of Hank Williams, Jr. statement about President Obama and Hitler.

During the Kid Bush Presidency, George W. was routinely compared by many in the entertainment industry as an interesting combination of both Evil and Dumb. He was a combination of Lloyd Christmas and Charles Manson.

Obviously we shouldn’t engage in such mindless name calling unless the President is a Republican and we have a program on HBO.

One more thing, professional football has: One quarterback playing that was accused, with pretty strong evidence, of sexual assault; one quarterback that was convicted of cruelty to animals which included the electrocution of dogs; and one quarterback that impregnated an actress while he was dating a super model. We’re supposed to be offended by the off the wall barbecue-shack political ramblings of a guy who’s just wants to know if we’re ready for some football?

This week’s picks!

Pups vs. Rocky Tops: This is a difficult game for UGA fans, because Kid Dooley is the Head Coach of Tennessee and we really would like for him to do well, even if he does act more like his Mom than his Dad on the sidelines. The Vols are getting better. The problem is the Dawgs are better. Georgia wins.

Bees vs. Turtles: I used to love watching that You Tube video of the kid at the fair that said, “I like Tertules (turtles)”. I know Coach Smiley doesn’t like turtles or little fuzzy kittens. Nobody likes for the 400 various Maryland uniforms. All aboard the Tech Band Wagon! Tech wins.

Okies vs. Steers: This is a yearly match-up that used to bring out Keith Jackson with all of his finest “Yes indeedies”. Yes, indeed, it is held annually at the Texas State Fair. Hank Hill likes Texas, but dang it Bobby, Oklahoma is one the best teams in the country. In fact, Joseph Gribble, the best running back since Hank at Arlen High, is on the Scout team. That shows you how deep they are, I’ll tell you what. Sooners win.

Wartigers vs. Piggies: Here is an ethical dilemma. I have promised not to pick any team coached by Bobby Petrino to win. It is something between me and my Lord and Savior. Arkansas is coached by Bobby Petrino. Arkansas is playing Auburn. Auburn has been a very lucky team this year. My brain tells me I should be mature and go with the higher ranked team. Get thee behind me, brain! Auburn wins.

Crocs vs. Went In Dumb Come Out Dumb Too: Mark Richt is looks at this game and laughs. LSU is just too strong this year for Florida. LSU wins.

Chattanooga vs. Georgia Southern: Georgia Southern, which has the Latin phrase, “Rubecollum albo et hyacinthino sock ribbion cervisia” (“Rednecks, White Shocks, and Blue Ribbon Beer”) as the school’s motto, is number one in the FCS rankings. Chattanooga is not. The Eagles are going to make the Mocs choo-choo their way back home. Georgia Southern wins.

Louisiana College vs. East Texas: As I predicted last week, my dear old other alma mater lost to Mary Baker Eddy Hardin-Baylor last week. This dropped the Wildcats to #24 in the D3 rankings. But that’s okay; they should rebound against East Texas. Wildcats win.

Monday, October 3, 2011

A Denomination By Any Other Name

One of my favorite jokes is an old Lewis Grizzard chestnut about the difference between a Northern and Southern Baptist. The Northern Baptist says “They ain’t no Hell” while the Southern Baptist says “The Hell they ain’t”. (It helps if you tell this joke to yourself in a redneck accent ).

Recently, though, Southern Baptists have been under going some soul searching regarding their name because, as it turns out, many Post Modern people (Yankees) have an adverse reaction to the word “Southern”. This awful, terrible word, “Southern” brings up images of slavery, segregation, and ignorance unlike the “F-word” which apparently is okay to use as a noun, gerund, verb, adverb, and adjective. Not every Post Modern individual uses that word, just seems like a lot of them do.

The leadership of The Southern Baptist Convention has appointed a task force to study the possibility of a name change. You know something is serious in Church World when a task force is appointed. It is not as simple as you might think to change your name when you are a denomination.

First of all, there are a lot of boring legal issues and since lawyers are involved,it could become expensive. The denomination may not want to spend the kind of dough it will take to change the name in this economic environment. You can’t have a “Lottie Moon Foreign Missions Christmas and Name Change Offering”.

Secondly, many of the real good names have all ready been taken. American Baptist Churches: taken. Baptist General Conference: taken. Conservative Baptist Association of America: taken. Reformed Baptist: taken. Reformed American General Conservative Baptist: taken. Regular Baptist: taken. Irregular Baptist: taken. Baptist That Eat Yogurt To Be Regular: taken. Irregular Baptist That Want To Be A Regular Baptist Without Eating Yogurt Or Having Something Kick In At Work: taken Indian Bottom Association of Old Regular Baptists (IBAORB): taken. Baptist Church Of The Electric Guitar Where Nobody Sits Down Until The Sermon Is Given By A Guy That Doesn’t Tuck In His Shirt: trademark applied.

I have tried my hand at renaming the Southern Baptist Convention. My idea is to do what Kentucky Fried Chicken did: change your name to KFC. Seriously, change the name to “SBC”. Surely people can’t be prejudice against the letter “S” can they?

There are some that want to argue that Southern Baptists do not need to change their name. I know it may be hard for you to believe that a Southern Baptist will want to argue, but it happens. Southern Baptists have been Southern Baptists for a long time and if was good for Paul and Silas it is good enough for them.

However, to do so is to ignore the obvious. People, not from the South, think Southerners are stupid. I remember meeting some people from a Northern state with my wife. The men thought my wife was a cat on a hot tin roof-they were entranced by her accent and Southern womanly charms. Their wives thought she was domestic help. Both the Northern men and women saw me as Jethro Bodine even though I have a college degree and have never been to a NASCAR race. That was the last time I bragged I was a “Double Naught Spy” in public.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

This Week's Picks

Thomas Boswell of The Washington Post wrote a book titled Why Life Imitates The World Series. I think Life really just imitates baseball, if you think about it. There is a lot of standing around in life like there is in baseball. Often times you are just watching three people (the pitcher, catcher, and batter) in baseball and in life you are watching three people (Jerry, George, and Kramer). Sometimes the ball is hit to you and you have to know what to do or you will make a costly error. That happens to me with e-mails, accounts and bills. In baseball, you can’t think about the error in the previous inning, just like in life you can’t think that maybe you should have studied for that algebra test in 1973 and you can’t believe that that mistake is still following you around. Like baseball, there is no set time limit in life. The only thing you can count on in Life and baseball is that the Atlanta Braves will somehow find new and inventive ways to break your heart.

This Weeks Picks!

Puppies vs. Other Bulldogs: Both Georgia and Mississippi State have the same record. That's about where the comparisons end. UGA looked awful against an awful Ole Miss team. The Other Bulldogs win.

Buzzy vs. The Werewolves of Raleigh: All aboard the Georgia Tech band wagon! I didn’t get too excited by their first three games, but the game against the UNC made me a Monkee because I’m a believer (dated cultural reference, sorry). Since this is an ethical blog, I must inform you that I have a nephew that is employed by North Carolina State. I think he would agree that if you let Russell Wilson walk, you should lose as many games as possible. Bees win big.

Urange Tigers vs. Turkeys: Clemson is having a great year so far. The Other Tech is having their typical year, which Mark Richt would kick a puppy for. I’m going with Clemson this time because I’ve been wrong about them the past two weeks. Clemson wins.

Elephants vs. Lizards: Florida is good for a team in the SEC East. The only team better than Alabama is LSU. No way Florida wins. Bamy wins this one.

Wartigers vs. Chickens: Auburn is better than they look, but South Carolina has Marcus Lattimore who is probably one of the most under-rated players nationally. He’ll be a rich young man in about a year and a half. Until then, he’ll just have to beat up on Auburn. South Carolina wins.

Ags vs. Pigs: What’s the rule? I never pick a Bobby Petrino team to win. Is that logical? No, but it works for me. Aggies win.

Husker of Corn vs. Wis CON Sen: Because of my tunnel vision on the SEC, I haven’t paid too much attention to these two teams except to notice that they beat the literal feces out of the opposing teams. I know Nebraska is one of those iconic college programs, but The Badgers have Russell Wilson who the dumb-dumbs at North Carolina State let go without even getting a player to be named later. Wisconsin wins.

Georgia Southern vs. Elon: This has gone unnoticed, but GEORGIA SOUTHERN IS NUMBER ONE BABY! WHOOOOOO! Yep in the FCS polls, The Eagles are the Rick Perry of that college subdivision. Elon is 3-1. I think the Eagles will stay number one for another week. Eagles win.

Birmingham Southern vs. Austin College: For the first time in the history of their program, the Birmingham Southern Panthers are 4-0 and received votes to be ranked in the National D3 rankings. Austin College is 0-4. They can still hear the music in the restroom. Panthers win.


Louisiana College vs. Mary Hardin-Baylor: Kennesaw State is not my only alma mater. I went for two years to Louisiana College where I met a lot of nice people who I still count as friends, ate boudin, and sucked some crayfish (hey, it was during an experimental phase). LC had a football team in its earlier years, but dismantled the football program in true Baptist fashion to build a parking lot. It restarted a few years ago, but has been plagued by various theological controversies (“Does God really want a two point conversion?”) However, I’m happy to announce that the 4-0 Wildcats are ranked 19th in the latest National D3 poll. However, Mary Hardin-Baylor is ranked 4th. Does anyone else besides me think this is a terrible name for a college? It is like they couldn’t make up its mind. Are you Mary Hardin or are you Baylor? It doesn’t matter; Mary Hardin-Baylor wins this game.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

This Week's Picks

It is always neat to see someone you know on television, even if it is “Mr. Cowbell”.

Last week, while watching the LSU-Mississippi State game I saw this young man whom I’ll refer to as “John” (just to pick a name at random) dressed as a human cowbell named “Mr. Cowbell”. [Mississippi State has this deal about ringing cowbells during their football games, classes, graduations, funerals,etc. Their alumni are nice people, if not a bit deaf]. I’ve known “John” for many years, back to when he was a little boy who would dress up as a lil’ cowbell.

“Mr. Cowbell” caught the attention of Clay Travis of the blog Outkick The Coverage. He noted that “Mr. Cowbell” would probably have trouble finding a young lady to ring his bell, if you catch my drift. Travis added, “He's going to be lucky if he doesn't get pushed over and lay on his back like a turtle unable to get back up.” I’m happy to report “Mr. Cowbell” was not pushed over on his back after the game and he was able to return home where he discovered he was famous all over the blogosphere.

This Week’s Picks!

Puppies vs. Old Mess. UGA finally won a game last week. Ole Miss is just in a bad way. Supposedly Rebel coach Houston Nut has to win this game since the Rebels lost to Vandy last week (he has the Suicide Hotline App on his iPhone). Georgia just has better players than Ole Miss, but the Dawg Nation is a little worried. They shouldn’t be-they’ll lose next week to Mississippi State. Dawgs win.

Buzzed vs. Heels of Tar. Georgia Tech put a world of hurt on Kansas, but those days are over. North Carolina is supposed to be better than Kansas. They are supposed to be better than Tech. We’ll see. Tech is impressing people by piling up big yardage on Western Carolina, Middle Tennessee State and Kansas. They won’t do that against UNC, but they’ll pull it out due to Coach Sunshine’s personality alone. Tech wins.

Pickens vs. Perry. Oklahoma State, which is in either The Big 12, The Pac 12, The NFL, or The WNBA faces Texas A & M which at the moment is in The Big 12 but next year will be in either The SEC or NASA. Someone will bring a football to the game and it might affect the standings one way or another. It might not. Either way Oklahoma State wins.

Clemmy vs. Half a Noles. Clemson: Those about to rock salute you for defeating Auburn last week. However, FSU is just too strong this year. FSU wins

Piggies vs. Bamy. Another year, another time for me never to pick a Bobby Petrino coached team to win. Bama wins.

Western Carolina vs. Georgia Southern. Georgia Southern, the only university in the country who’s Alma Mater contains the phrase “Pop a top, again” faces the same Western Carolina team that Tech wore out a few weeks ago. Since the Georgia Southern coach was an assistant to Mr. Joyful at Tech, the outcome should be the same. Eagles win.

Birmingham-Southern vs. Sewanne. Sewanne is The University of The South. Why they are called “Sewanne” is unclear. However, their website reports “It is not unusual for students and faculty members to work shoulder to shoulder on research projects and journal articles, to meet for coffee at a local eatery, or to serve together as members of the university orchestra, volunteer fire department, and other civic groups.” This is almost what is reported on the Georgia Southern website, except Georgia Southern’s says, “It is not unusual for students and faculty to see each other at the liquor store”. Sewanne is 2-1 this year, their best start since the founding of the Episcopal Church. Birmingham Southern is 3-0. Make it 4-0. Panthers win.