Thursday, October 28, 2010

This Week's Picks

Here it is, the weekend before the mid-term elections. I found five messages on my home phone. Five “robo” calls from various candidates. Then, while immersed in heavy research (eating a moon pie) for this posting, another call came in and it read “IMPORTANT”. Well, I don’t know about you, but when IMPORTANT calls, I answer. (I made a mistake not answering the door one time when OPPORTUNITY knocked.) You guessed it, another “robo” call. Tuesday cannot get here fast enough.

This Week’s Picks.

Doggies vs. Lizards: This game has been coined by “wags” (doing my Marietta Daily Journal impression) as “The World’s Largest Cocktail Party”. This year, it might be “The World’s Largest Gathering of Depressed Drunks”. Florida has not been doing well this year and UGA’s troubles are well known. In fact, last month, we were not sure if The Dawgs would ever win another game. Well, they have, but it has been against Tennessee, Vandy, and Kentucky. Despite the fact Urban Meyer is bringing back his best felon for this game, this game is ripe for a Georgia victory. Georgia wins.

Blur vs. Bum: Oregon is going down to La-La Land to face Lane Kiffin’s team. I cannot get excited about this game. Oregon is for real. Oregon wins.

Aweburn vs. Old Mess: Really, do you think Ole Miss can stop the Cam Tigers with they couldn’t stop Jacksonville State? Hide the children. Auburn wins.

Georgia Southern vs. Samford: The Houston Chronicle lists the Georgia Southern logo as one of the best in sports (#84, beating out The Lansing Lugnuts). To this, the GSU students say: “Party!” ( This is their response to most questions.) GSU wins.

Edinboro vs. Lock Haven: You think UGA and UF have it bad? Lock Haven has not won a game this year. They won’t win this one. Edinboro wins.

Birmingham-Southern vs. Depauw: You may not know this, but DePauw University provides an exceptional set of college experiences marked by intellectual rigor as evidenced by their most famous alumni, Dan Qualye. Depauw is already the first team in Division Three to qualify for the playoffs. Sorry BSC, Depauw wins.

Picks for Tuesday

Deal vs. Barnes: Deal wins because people simply don’t like Barnes.

The House: The GOP wins control.

The Senate: The Dems retain control with a 51-49 split.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Final Blitz

I have been able to obtain the scripts for the final campaign commercials for Roy Barnes and Nathan Deal. There is one “positive” commercial for each.

“I’m Roy Barnes and I approved this message. When I was governor, everything was Skittles and Rainbows. That’s what will bring jobs back to Georgia-Skittles and Rainbows.”

“My name is Nathan Deal. I will co-sign that loan for you. Need a boat? I’ll sign with you. Need a new car? Don’t worry about it. I’ll go to the bank with you and talk that loan officer. Nathan Deal. I really, really, really, really, really, really love Jesus”

Unfortunately, the rest are negative ads.

Nathan Deal. Doesn’t that name make your flesh crawl? Nathan Deal. He was a co-owner of Bad Newz Kennels and was Charlie Manson’s driver. Nathan Deal. Try to sleep at night. Bad for Georgia. Bad for Earth. Nathan Deal."

Roy Barnes is Barack Obama’s biological Kenyan father. Roy Barnes wants to raise your taxes and lock up your church doors. He's not in his right mind.”

Nathan Deal wants to eliminate all that is good in the state of Georgia.Nathan Deal. When will it stop?”

Roy Barnes was in an illicit love triangle with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. What sort of sick pervert is Roy Barnes? So sick that he was dating Nancy Pelosi while she was married to Harry Reid. What he did to the institution of marriage, he’ll do to Georgia. Roy Barnes: Bad for marriage. Bad for Georgia”

Nathan Deal wants you to believe that Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are married to each other and that Govenor Roy Barnes was dating the Speaker of The House. He wants you to forget that he, Nathan Deal, will buy candy to give to costumed children if they do “tricks” for him. Nathan Deal. Doesn’t he make you want to puke?”

Man One: It says here, Roy Barnes wants to be governor again.
Man Two: Shoot me now.
Man One and Two: Haw-Haw
Roy Barnes: Man, is he ugly!

Man One: You thank that Nathun Deal is going to have his truck repo-ed?
Man Two: Sure! He’s that big of a retard.
Man One and Two: Yuck-Yuck
Nathan Deal. He’s broke and ain’t got no money.

'(Roy Barnes walking ) It seems everybody wants a piece of me. You want a piece of me, Nathan? You know where you can find me. Roy Barnes. Will fight for you. Will punch Nathan Deal."

"Nathan Deal standing somewhere in a pasture. ‘This has been a long hard fought campaign, but I think I’m fairly safe in saying that Roy Barnes does not love Jesus and worships one of those Auqa Buddha gods. It just ain’t right’. Nathan Deal. He tithes eleven per-cent.”

Thursday, October 21, 2010

This Week's Picks

Radio commercials are usually not very funny or memorable but here in Georgia, where the home office of This Week’s Picks is located, the Georgia Lottery Commission has a radio spot for a game called “Keno” which is pretty bad, but some how, is pretty funny.

It begins with bar sounds. One guy says to another, “Hey who is that goat over there?” Now there’s a question I never heard. The goat’s name is Kevin and he ate one of the guy’s Keno Hot Tickets. But the best part of the commercial is this.

Man One: “Hey look, another goat!"
Man Two: “That’s not just any other goat, that’s Kevin’s goat girlfriend!"

The phrase “goat girlfriend” cracks me up. It sounds like the name of an all girl Southern Rock Band from the Seventies. “Tonight on ‘Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert: Charlie Daniels, Wet Willie, Marshall Tucker, and Goat Girlfriend”.

This Week’s Picks!

Doggies vs. Kenyucky: Georgia killed Vandy last week but this week they must play Kentucky, where the sun shines bright, particularly after beating the Fighting Chickens last week. I have to put my reverse mojo on the Dawgs and predict a Kentucky win. However, this means Georgia will win. (Speaking of which, the new UGA does not have a goat girlfriend.)

Bees vs. Esso: Tech has been quietly out there racking up wins, but they just don’t seem to be out of second gear. Clemson wants this one, but their coach has one of those Southern nicknames that doesn’t make any sense to anyone that hasn’t a swig of moonshine. Clemson wins and this means Clemson wins.

Wes-CON-son vs. Birdseyes. Wisconsin did everyone a favor by beating Ohio State last week, although it did re-ignite the Boise State and TCU talk. It was worth it. Iowa is one of those teams nobody pays any attention to-mainly because it is Iowa. My head says Wisconsin but my gut says Iowa. I’m going with my gut because it is bigger. Iowa wins.

Ducks vs. Bears: ESPN would call this a trap game, but Oregon’s speed makes it hard for anyone to trap. UCLA won’t be able to keep up. Oregon wins.

Go In Dumb-Come out Dumb Too vs. War Tigers: If Auburn had a defense they probably would be number one. Cam Newton is the real deal. There’s no telling what LSU will do in a game. ( It wouldn’t surprise me if Les Miles calls a time out and sends the team out to get a Slurpee at the concession stand). Even he won’t be able to make chicken salad out of this game. Auburn wins.

OK vs. MO: The Sooners have come back to be in contention for the Mythical National title while Missouri is trying to make a name for themselves. This is like last weeks Ohio State-Wisconsin game except The Sooners are for real. Oklahoma wins.

Georgia Southern vs. The Citadel. Georgia Southern (School Song: “Pop A Top, Again”) travels to Charleston to play the Lords of Discipline. The Eagles have fallen out of the rankings and they will take it out on the Cadets. Georgia Southern wins.

Edinboro vs. Clairon: Another school that started out great, our Fighting Scots have hit rocky times in the past three games. Clairon, home of the Fighting Clarinets, should be beatable. Edinboro wins

Birmingham-Southern vs. Sewanee: Sewanee is the Jacksonville Jaguars of Division Three football. BSC wins.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Pretzel Logic

Boy, people get really bent out of shape when it comes to Yoga.

It all started with a posting in by Dr. Albert Mohler, the President of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky. To cut to the chase, Dr. Mohler does not believe Yoga is something Christians should do. Dr. Mohler has posted many blogs on many different subject and has for many years.

You should be wondering: “Where can I find an op-ed column that is an ad hominem attack on Dr. Mohler and gives little evidence of even trying to read the original blog post?” Have no fear, The Marietta Daily Journal is here! The MDJ is Cobb County’s newspaper of record and home of the ad hominem argument.

In the op-ed piece, “Seminary President Needs to Focus On Hate Groups” our old pal Dick Yarbrough uses his wit, such as it is, to skewer Mohler .

His piece begins, “Albert Mohler is at it again”. I love that. It gives the impression Mohler is a Baptist groundhog coming out every now and then to yell, “That’s a sin” and “It ain’t Krist-chan” (this is how Southerners say the word “Christian” by the way).

Everybody knows Baptists are fuddy-duddies and not nearly as hip or cool as Dick Yarbrough. We don’t dance, chew, or go with girls that do.

This leads to this paragraph: “You may recall that Albert is the guy who got his robe in a wad a few years back when the First Baptist Church of Decatur had the temerity to appoint a female as its lead pastor. Albert said at the time that Rev. Julie Pennington-Russell was qualified for the job, "except for the fact that she is a woman."

A couple of points. First of all, Southern Baptist churches do not “appoint” ministers. They are elected by a vote of the congregation. Since First Baptist Decatur is a member of the Southern Baptist Convention it supposed to follow the confession known as “The Baptist Faith and Message” which excludes women’s ordination.

Secondly, as a person with an “Al” name, I must admit “Albert” is the funniest of the “Al names” and it is knee slapping funny to refer to an individual with an earned doctorate by it. But really, would it have killed Mr. Yarbrough to have said, “Dr. Mohler”? I’m fairly certain Yarbrough would not have fallen over dead if he showed a tad bit of respect for Mohler,

Yarbrough continues, “Like a lot of Bible-thumpers, he went to great pains to pull out selected verses of the Bible to make his point about women not being qualified to be preachers. This is the same Bible that says divorce is a no-no (1Cor. 7:11) but which Albert and his crowd conveniently overlook regarding a certain Southern Baptist televangelist who is divorced.

The last time I checked the First Baptist Church of Decatur has not experienced a plague of locusts nor has anyone turned into a block of salt. First Baptist Church of Decatur: One. Albert: Zero.”

Just to be clear, the “certain Southern Baptist televangelist” is Charles Stanley. The last time I checked First Baptist Church of Atlanta has not experience a plague of locusts nor has any members that are a block of salt, either. You bet your sweet bippy that Bible says divorce is a no-no in more places than 1 Corinthians 7:11. However, I’m not sure how this makes Mohler wrong on women’s ordination and Yoga. So I guess since Mohler disagrees with Yarbrough, that make makes Mohler a “Bible-thumper”, although the Roman Catholic Church, Greek Orthodox, and Orthodox Jews believe basically the same thing

Yarbrough adds, “He says he objects to "the idea that the body is a vehicle for reaching consciousness with the divine." I have no idea what that means. Albert can get a little weird’. The quote Mr.Yarbrough uses is from an AP article on Mohler’s post and not from the original post at all. Maybe if Mr. Yarbrough actually read Mohler’s post, he would have an idea what it meant.

Mohler’s posting on his blog (which the AP article reported on) was about a book entitled, The Subtle Body: The Story of Yoga in America by Stephanie Syman. Mohler details his objection to Yoga, which, you have to admit is not Judeo-Christian in origin. Mohler also adds, which has been conveniently left out of the AP article and Yarbrough piece that, “There is nothing wrong with physical exercise and yoga positions in themselves are not the main issue”. Mohler is objecting to the religious aspects of Yoga.

But Mr.Yarbrough hits his rhetorical stride wondering why Dr. Mohler doesn’t comdemn The Westboro Baptist Church creeps.

To be sure, the Westboro Baptist Church uses some very whacked out theology in thinking that the Lord would smite soldiers in the U.S. Army to condemn our country’s tolerance of the homosexual life style. They are a bunch a knuckle dragging publicity sluts that ought to be ashamed of themselves. I’m not sure what they have to do with Albert Mohler, women’s ordination, or Yoga.

I’ve never liked arguments that begin with “you can’t speak about A unless you first speak about B”. I suppose Mohler should have written: “Yoga is wrong—as wrong as those Westboro Baptist Church idiots” or “The Westboro Baptist Church will be doing Yoga….in Hell”.

Then again, that blog post wouldn’t have made the Associated Press wire and Mr. Yarbrough wouldn’t have read it and we would not have been treated to such a well researched and thought out column.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

This Week's Picks

Pardon me boys; I went to Chattanooga, Tennessee last week for a quick road trip. Listened to the Georgia-Tennessee game on the way up and realized that my reverse psycho-pick worked.

All year I have picked the Georgia Bulldogs to win this fall and they lost four in a row. Since nobody else would, I decided the Bulldogs needed my help by picking the other team to win. I had obviously jinxed the Dawgs and needed to jinx somebody else. Sorry, Coach Kid Dooley, but I had to do it.

This week’s picks!

Pups vs. The Commode Doors: It is good to know that the grass keeps right on growing, the sun keeps right on shining, and Vanderbilt keeps right on stinking. If Richt can keep his team out of San Quentin, they should be okay. Dogs win.

Buzz vs. Middle Directional Tennessee: Middle Tennessee State is in Murfreesboro (pronounced “Murphysboro”) Tennessee, home of the fine dining establishment known as “The Slick Pig”. They really shouldn’t be playing Tech (Middle Tennessee State-not “The Slick Pig”). Tech wins big, but doesn’t have as good of BBQ.

Sort Of South Florida vs. Almost Heaven, West Virginia?: Another Thursday night game I’ll miss because I like “Community”. WVU should win this.

The Only Ohio State University on Earth vs. Wes-CON-son: The folks on TV say this is an important game because number one Ohio State (stupid Alabama) is actually playing a semi-tough team. I would loooooooooove Wisconsin to win this one because OSU totally, and I say this with great respect, stinks likes wet carpet. The Buckeyes will win.

Oniks vs. War Tigers: Hummm, Auburn is now in the driver’s seat for the SEC West title, which means that there is probably a rich alumnus on a plane right now flying to see if they can hire a new coach. I still hate Arkansas on principle. Auburn wins.

Georgia Southern vs. University of Tennessee Not In Knoxville: Last week, the Eagles lost to the Wofford Weiner Dogs. This week they should make up for it at Chattanooga. Eagles wins.

Edinboro vs Mercyhurst: The headline read, and I am not making this up, “Edinboro and Mercyhurst Seek End To Cancer, Win On The Gridiron”. Now that is a football game. These players are batting each other and cancer. Good Luck! After a blazing start, our Fighting Scots have lost two in a row, but you know what they say in Western PA. When Edinboro and Mercyhurst seek end to cancer, anything can happen. I say, Edinboro gets back on track with a win.

Birmingham-Southern vs. Austin College: For those of you that don’t know, Austin College’s team name is….”The Kangaroos”. Not “The Fighting Kangaroos”, or “The Mildly Upset Kangaroos” or even “The Just Not Their Day Kangaroos”. It is just “The Kangaroos”. For the record, Austin College website reports that it “does not discriminate with regard to religion or creed, gender, sexual orientation, national or ethnic origin, physical disability, age, economic or non-marsupial status”. Both Birmingham-Southern and Austin College are 3-2. I’ll say Birmingham-Southern because they are at home. Birmingham-Southern wins.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

This Week's Picks

At the board meeting of This Week’s Picks, it was decided that I should discuss the head coach of The Georgia Bulldogs, Mark Richt.

To say Richt is in the hot seat is an understatement. If Richt is not feeling the heat, he has an asbestos bottom. Losing to a greatly improved Fighting Chicken team is one thing. Losing to the Pigs is one thing after another. Losing to the Other Bulldogs is terrible. Losing to Colorado is a statement. The statement is: we are going to have a season so bad, getting a bowl game in Shreveport would be the cause of great rejoicing.

Let’s admit one thing: Richt is toast. When you lose to a mediocre Colorado team, the story will not have a happy ending. In fact, the only thing in Richt’s favor is he has three years left on his contract with a buyout clause of three million per year. That’s nine million dollars and as the baker said, that is a lot of bread. Then you have to find another coach that would have to be at his level in pay and/or reputation. Good luck on that. The trouble with UGA is there is no plan B when it comes to the Head Coach.

Yes, Richt is toast. He just won’t get canned this year and will spend the next two years trying to repair whatever happened in 2009 and 2010. After that, he’s gone like a freight train.

This week’s picks!

Pups vs Busted Flat In Baton Rouge: Typical Tennessee luck-done in by math again by a LSU team who has a coach that can’t tell time. At least they were in it in the last seconds of this game against one of the better teams in the Conference. Until the Pups win again, I’m not picking them. UPSET ALERT: Vols win.

Buzz vs Thomas Jefferson’s Project: Georgia Tech isn’t exactly beating the band this year, taking all game to put away a Wake Forest team that was using a kid from the stands as quarterback. My rule of thumb with Tech is to pick them when they are playing somebody of the same caliber they are-Virginia is that. Bees wins.

Bamy vs Chickens: I know the Chickens are better, but Bama is such a freak I don’t see them losing to South Carolina. Bama wins.

Huskers of Corn vs The Other KSU: Both teams are 4-0 but Nebraska just looks better. Nebraska wins.

Criminoles vs Criminals: Ha, Ha, a little FSU/Miami humor. I like Miami’s quarterback when he throws to his own players and FSU acts like they don’t miss Bobby at all. This is one is hard to pick, but I’m going with FSU.

Georgia Southern vs Wofford: What do you need to know about Wofford? Their nickname is The Terriers (and people laugh at Kennesaw State’s nickname “the Owls”). Was the Fighting Weiner Dogs already taken? Georgia Southern Wins.

Edinboro vs Slippery Rock: In the other big news of last week, Edinboro lost to Indiana University of Pennsylvania (or was is Pennsylvania University of Indiana? University of Indiana Pennsylvania?). This week The Fighting Scots face the Rocks of Slippery Rock. They will crush Slippery Rock into pebbles with a bam-bam! Edinboro wins.

Birmingham-Southern vs Centre College: The Panthers travel to Danville, Kentucky. What is there to do in Danville, Kentucky? As the city of Danville’s web site says:

“Discover the first post office west of the Allegheny Mountains at historic Constitution Square. Tour the home of Dr. Ephraim McDowell, a courageous physician who performed the world's first successful abdominal surgery at this site. Or treat yourself to an award-winning performance at the Norton Center for the Arts.”

I’ve always wondered about the first post office west of the Allegheny Mountains. Who hasn’t sat at the feet of their grandfather to listen to stories about the courageous Dr. Ephraim McDowell? Maybe after the game the Panthers will want to treat themselves to an award-winning performance at the Norton Center for the Arts. Panthers win.