This blog has always tried to tackle the controversial topics of the day. Today is no exception, despite how much I wanted to pass on the "Deflategate" saga of New England Patriots. I even considered punting and running a "Best of " Humor Me or even handing off and allow my trusted assistant and Vice President of Humor Me Inc, Gracie Manis to write this week's blog. However since Gracie is a cat and technically does not know how to read, write, or type, I called an audible.
It is imperative for this blog to comment on "Deflategate" because it involves the most important subject in the history of mankind: The Big Game. (This blog is not a sponsor of The Super Bowl and therefore cannot use the words "The Super Bowl" unless I want to have the blog shut down by "The Super Bowl". Please do not tell "The Super Bowl" that I used the words "The Super Bowl" in a post about "The Super Bowl". Thank you.)
This is the story. In a pro football game, there are twenty four (24) different footballs used. The home team provides twelve (12) and the visiting team provides twelve (12). The footballs must all weigh 12.5 pounds per square inch (psi). Eleven (11) of the footballs provided by the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship game against the Indianapolis-But-Still-Baltimore-Colts-To-Me were under the league requirement of 12.5 psi. A ball that weighs under 12.5 psi is supposedly easier to grip by the quarterback and easier to catch by a receiver.
This is what we are interested about in America today. Air pressure.
I've wondered what has been "driving this story" as we people in the media (even those that wear sweatpants while they write with their cat, er, Vice President, in their laps) say. I've come up with a few reasons for the constant attention.
One and to deal with the biggest elephant in the room, we are a country of twelve year olds. The word "balls" is a slang term for testicles/gonads and we laugh at anyone who says it. I have a friend that was on an intramural football team in college called "The Nads". Their cheer: Gooooooooo Nads! The story always cracks me up.
It is the same with this story. Everybody on television is talking about "balls" and soon you see everyone beginning to get a little smirk on their faces. Even the Vice President of The United States:
I don't know whether to be happy that we're not all so uptight or worried that we have to ask the Vice President of The United States about under inflated footballs.
I think the biggest driver of this story is that everyone hates The New England Patriots and especially Coach Bill Belichick and Quarterback Tom Brady.
There are basically two opinions about Bill Belichick. One: he is an amoral pirate who is only interested in winning football games and would run over his own grandmother if it meant he would win the game. Two: he is a total jerk in a hoodie sweatshirt. He is one of those humorless adults that only thinks about one topic and unfortunately for the rest of us, he is a genius about that topic.
The thought that Belichick would try to bend the rules is not something that is out of the question. He videotaped the Jets in 2007 trying to figure out their defensive signals in something called "Spygate". He was caught and it cost The Patriots some draft picks and a fine.
You know what happens when you get caught: no matter how many times you apologize, people are not going to believe anything you say. That's were Belichick is now. Since it doesn't involve wins and losses, I'm not sure he cares.
Tom Brady is another issue. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to say he is a good looking young man. I wished I looked like Tom Brady when I was a young man. I wished I looked like Tom Brady now. My wife says so too. (Wait a second...)
Besides having three Big Game rings and playing in two others, Brady was a player, if you know what I mean. While he was "dating" one Super Model (and making her pregnant) he began dating another Super Model, which puts him in The Horn Dog Hall of Fame. A man that cheats on a Super Model with another Super Model is a man who apparently thinks these quaint little things called "morals" are actually malleable and you could see him bending the rules to make it to The Big Game because he's not getting any younger.
Belichick and Brady held a joint new conference. Belichick, of course, threw Brady under the bus, because maybe he was jealous that he didn't think of deflating the balls first. Brady, for the first time in his life, just seemed like another dumb jock.
However, just because you are an amoral pirate and/or a guy that was a cheater on a Super Model with another Super Model doesn't mean you actually did anything wrong. This time.
Robert B.Charles, a former assistant Secretary of State has published an article showing that the deflated balls were an act of physics and not an act of malice aforethought. You can read it here.http://www.realclearsports.com/articles/2015/01/24/physics_clears_patriots_really_98133.html
Okay Bill and Tom, if you say you didn't do anything wrong, I believe you. But, I've got my eye on you.