Sunday, November 23, 2014

Whooooooo Named The Owls?

By this time next year, my beloved Alma Mater, Kennesaw State University (Motto: "Down The Street From The Cracker Barrel") will have completed their first full season of collegiate football. A lot of people think a college is defined by high academic standards. This is nonsense. A college is defined by: 1) Having a football team and 2) If the football team is any good.  

It is basic good old fashion common sense. Nobody wears a t-shirt bragging about a college's English department.

One question that has dogged historians through the ages regarding Kennesaw State athletics is this: Why are they called "The Owls"? The answer should be obvious: all of the cool nicknames were taken (like Bulldogs and Yellow Jackets).  However, using my crack BA in History skills I learned at Kennesaw State (I will always remember my graduation day. "Here's your degree, Mr. Manis, now wipe off that table, we are expecting a party of five.")  I am going to reveal not only the circumstances but also the person who named The Kennesaw State Owls.

It was Dan Jones.

I know a lot of you are thinking: "Who?", but if I said, "Danny Jones"  a lot of you would still say "Who?" but a lot of you would say "Oh yeah, Danny Jones".

Danny is a guy I've known almost as long as I've known my wife which is saying something. He was in my third grade class at East Valley Elementary School and his dad was the first football head coach of The Wheeler Wildcats. Danny is truly a scholar, gentleman, myth and legend. He is also the only eight year old I've ever seen that could play the ukelele.

Danny is also important because he can verify the existence of a girl named Vicki Hill. Vicki was a girl I knew who I casually suggested to my wife that we name our baby after. As you might expect, that suggestion was not greeted with much enthusiasm. To quote my beloved, "I am NOT going to name MY BABY after some girl YOU had the HOTS  for."  Fortunately, we had a son.

Somewhere in the 70's, I heard Danny say that he named the Kennesaw Owls. Why that stuck in my head instead of the millions of hours of education instruction I've received is a mystery and probably one of the reasons I'm not stinking rich. So on the eve on Kennesaw State's inaugural  season, I decided to reach out to Danny via Facebook

Danny confirmed what I remembered. He says, "My Mom was (the) Exec Sec (Executive Secretary) for the first President of Kennesaw State. She came home one day and asked me to look through my coloring books and see if there was a good "animal" in there for the school to use. (I guess they weren't putting a whole lot of time in on this task. "Ask your kid. Let him decide." Now there's a high priority for you.) By the way, I was still at an appropriate age to have coloring books. 13, 14... something like that. I thumbed through a favorite book and, well, dang, there was an owl, with one of those "professor hats" on. How about this, Mom? I am pretty sure they used the picture out of the coloring book for a good while."

Danny concludes by saying "(Disclaimer: I could be wrong about all of this. It is simply a story that is told around the family fire each Christmas, handed down from generation to generation.)"  

This historian believes this story.  Danny's mom did work for President Sturgis (the first President of Kennesaw State), who was the type of guy, from my limited exposure to him, that would ask an eight year old to name a college mascot. Danny knew Vicki Hill. Danny played a pretty mean ukelele for a third grader. What more evidence do you need?


Sunday, November 16, 2014

The Y'alls Of Attraction

Wikipedia describes Kim Kardashian as "an American television and social media personality, socialite, fashion designer, businesswoman, model, and actress". You might describe her using other words, like "ditz".

This was the only picture on the internet where she is wearing clothes

Ms. Kardashian, who is married to Rap Singer/Brain Surgeon Kayne West, has recently "broken" the internet by, now get this, posing nude in a couple of photographs. Imagine: nude women on the internet; who would have thought it?

Before you ask, the answer is yes. Purely in the interest of journalism, I have seen these two pictures. Verdict: It is not as hideous as John and Yoko Ono Lennon's  pictures from 45 years ago. You see both sides of Kim, if you catch my drift. One photo emphasizes her rather large behind. It is truly a Gluteus Maximus.  The second picture proves Kardashian has a rather skilled surgeon.

I guess it is because I am old or getting there, that I don't find Kardashian all that interesting. But some folks think she hung the moon (no pun intended).

I have always wondered what makes some people "hot" and others not.

Years ago, when my son was in middle school, we went to a party for other middle school students. The dads stayed in one room of the house, discussing all of the important topics, like rec league baseball and if that guy that was a jerk the year before (and the year before that and the year before) was going to be a jerk this year. (Answer: Of course.)

Meanwhile, the moms retired to another room and discussed another topic: Which movie star do you find sexy?

Now one thing you have to know about the moms: they are all "y'all girls". A "Y'all Girl" is a female indigenous to the South that use the word "Y'all" as part of Southern Female Parliamentary Procedure to indicate that they have the floor in the conversation. Generally it goes like this:  (First Female) "Y'all I just bought the cutest dress at Wal-Mart." (Second female) "Y'all I hate goin' to Wal-Mart." (Third Female) "Y'all. I met my third ex-husband at Wal-Mart" and so on for about two hours.

The first mom, who in the interest of privacy I'll call Susan, said "Y'all, I think Kurt Russell is sexy." The second mom, who just to pick a name out of the sky I'll call Kelly, said, "Y'all, I just love Val Kilmer" (like I said this was years ago).

A third mom said, "Y'all, you know who is really sexy? Bobby Murphy".  Bobby was this mom's husband. I wished the first two moms had said, "Y'all I want to change my vote to Bobby Murphy" because that would have been funny.  The fourth mom, who I'll call Lori because she is the love of my life said, "Y'all I think Johnny Depp is sexy". 

Johnny Depp.

My wife would never let my hair do this

I have known my wife since 1967 and had been married to her since 1986 and I never heard her say one word, pro or anti-sexy about Johnny Depp. I have heard her opinions on just about everyone else, including the artist that is currently known as Prince ("He looks like he smells") When I questioned her about it she said, "Now don't be jealous of Johnny Depp".

I am not jealous of  Johnny Depp. True, I'm jealous of his money and that someone from Kentucky can waltz around like he was raised on Champs Elysees, but other than that I have no real big beef with Johnny Depp.

I just don't see him as very sexy. I can understand Kurt Russell. I mean, he was the computer who wore tennis shoe and Wyatt Earp in Tombstone, probably one of the most under-rated movies of all time. Val Kilmer was Batman and in Top Gun, too, so I can understand that even though he has kind of gone to seed. Even Bobby Murphy (who, in the interest of complete disclosure, I have shared a bed with. Long story.)

I guess I can see, particularly after I've seen the pictures, how someone can think Kim Kardashian is sexy if you are into nekkid surgically altered dimwits.

For the record, Lori has informed me that she no longer finds Johnny Depp sexy.  I'm afraid to ask about Bobby Murphy.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

"We're Just Not That Into You, Mr. President"

Speaking for all Georgians, I know I can say nobody was looking forward to another month and a half of attack campaign ads.

Except for me, of course. I already had another Humor Me attack ad parody in the can.

(Black and White picture of David Perdue.) Deep voice over narrator: "David Perdue. Just the name makes my skin crawl. David Perdue. You make me sick". Slightly higher voice over narrator: "Paid for by People Who David Perdue Makes Sick."

(Black and White picture of Michelle Nunn) Deep voice over narrator. "Michelle Nunn. You tramp." Slightly higher voice narrator: "Paid for by The Committee That Think Michelle Nunn is a Tramp".

But all that is over now, Baby Blue. Mercifully, Georgians decided not to drag the election out any further and elected David Perdue.

Despite what everyone in the media has said, I thought Michelle Nunn was a horrible candidate. Nothing about her said GEORGIA except her maiden name, which she conveniently decided to use. She didn't have an accent. She was only shown in blue jeans once. She looked like a librarian walking over to shush you. All Perdue had to do to win was tie Nunn to President Obama, which he was happy to do. Turns out all the Republicans had to do was this: tie Democrats to a President that is as popular as month old bread.

With just a few exceptions, voters around the country went with the Rs instead of the Ds.  Even Maryland, who has had only two Republican governors in 50 years (one of them being Spiro Agnew) elected a Republican Governor.  It was just a good night to be a Republican.  It was a not so good night for Democrats.

There were many reasons. One is historical, usually by the sixth year of a Presidential term, voters grow weary of the President and his party. 1938, 1958, 1974, 1986, 2006 all bear this out. However, the main reason is this: Barack Obama.

The President is just no longer with it, hip, cool, or groovy. He's a flip phone in a world of iPhones. He's as fashionable as a Nehru jacket.

Last week,  Organizing For America started a cutting edge trending topic on Twitter: #Yeswedid. It was tweets full of charts and twitter jargon to share with those blockheads (clinging to their guns and Bibles) who just don't realize due to their own racism, lack of intelligence, homophobia (pick one or all) that the President has done this great job.  I'm sorry, #Yeswedid was just so 2009.

No honest person blames Barack Obama for The Great Recession. However, honest people can disagree about the recovery. You may say the economy is great. I can say it hasn't been anything but lame. You can show me a chart. I can show you my bank book. I think Tuesday shows most of America agrees with me. And, that doesn't make me or America racist, stupid, or homophobic.

While we are at it, can we officially declare "The War on Women" over?

Of course, the press wanted to hear from the President that he and his party got stomped and stomped good. They wanted to hear some vestiges of humility from President Obama which is like trying hear some vestiges of honesty from Richard Nixon. You would think somebody who started 2003 in the Illinois legislature and began 2009 in The White House would be smart enough to at least feign he was humbled by the results.

That is not our President. He basically gave the country the middle finger and pretended that the election didn't matter and this election didn't "have consequences". He announced he was going to circumvent Congress by giving defacto amnesty to illegal aliens. That might have worked in 2011, but it is not going to work in 2015.

For a guy that claims to love Bob Dylan so much, he seems to have missed the lyrics to one of Dylan's famous songs, The Times They Are A-Changin'.  Dylan says, "You better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone".  The Bard of Hibbing was saying you have to adapt in the world. The Democrats have been crowing about that for a couple of years saying that Republicans need to get on the right side of history and change with the times.

As someone else would have sang, "Isn't it ironic?" that the Democrats didn't adapt to 2014 because they still thought it was 2012.