Wednesday, December 21, 2016

2016: So Long, Good Luck, and Goodbye

What type of year was 2016?

Well, it was the type of year when a Presidential candidate accused another Presidential candidate of not being "well equipped" to be President if you know what I mean.  Then, that Presidential candidate assured us that he had the tools to be President if you know what I mean.

Of course, the candidate was Donald Trump.

This was one of the 843 different attempts to derail the Trump candidacy. All of them failed.

Including a recent one with stirring calls to be "Hamilton Electors" and to vote one's conscience and not vote for Trump because he is really icky and gross.  (Incidentally, it was interesting to see all of the sudden expertise in "The Federalist Papers" by our liberal friends).  Like all of the others, it failed and it cost Hillary Clinton four electoral votes.

What type of President will Trump be?  Who knows?  If he has some good luck, he may turn out to be better than some people fear. Or he could be the sum of all our fears. We'll just have to wait and see

Ah, yes, Hillary Clinton. She was the "Her" in the "I'm With Her" slogan. She would have become President if all of those pesky voters did what they were supposed to and voted for her. 

So long, Hillary. 

2016 was the type of year in which we found out that Batman didn't like Superman. I thought they were Super Friends. 

Captain American and Iron Man didn't like each other either. They blocked each other on Facebook over the election.

There were a lot of terrorist attacks in 2016 committed by, (now brace yourself because this might be a surprise) radical Islamic extremists.  One attack, at a nightclub in Orlando, Florida killed 49 people and wounded 53 more.

In the Good Things Come To People Who Wait Department But This is Ridiculous: The Chicago Cubs won The World Series for the first time since 1908. Cleveland won its first championship, in anything, since 1964 when Lebron James led the Cavaliers to the NBA Championship.

Bob Dylan won The Nobel Prize for Literature. I heard it "The Hugh Hewitt Show".

Hugh Hewitt"Jonah Goldberg, breaking news. Bob Dylan has just won The Nobel Prize for Literature."

Jonah Goldberg"Holy crap!"

2016 was the year we said goodbye to David Bowie, Doris Roberts, Glenn Frey, Prince, Muhammad Ali and Garry Shandling.

Last, but not least was our old pal, Leonard Cohen.  When word reached him early in 2016 that a former girl friend was dying, he wrote these words:

"Well Marianne, it's come to this time when we are really so old and our bodies are falling apart and I think I will follow you very soon. Know that I am so close behind you that if you stretch out your hand, I think you can reach mine
"And you know that I've always loved you for your beauty and for your wisdom, but I don't need to say anything more about that because you know all about that. But now, I just want to wish you a very good journey.
 "Goodbye old friend. Endless love, see you down the road."

That is a good wish for 2017. Endless love and I'll see you down the road.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

As Far As Gatlinburg

You are not a Southerner unless you have vacationed in Gatlinburg, Tennessee at least 400 times.

That is a conservative estimate. You may be a Quasi-Southerner or a Pseudo-Yankee, at best, with 400 visits.

Everybody I know who has ancestors that were either Southern Baptist/Non-Instrumental Church of Christ missionaries or moonshiners, has waited in line, sometimes up to an hour, to eat pancakes at the Pancake Pantry in downtown Gatlinburg. The Pancake Pantry, hallowed be thy name.

We had been married for over a year when our friends, Bill and Dianne Wade, suggested we meet them for a long weekend in Gatlinburg. To save money, we decided to share a hotel room at a Mom & Pop Inn. 

When we arrived, we met up with the Wades and together we went walking the "Strip" (the main road) in Gatlinburg.

It was a Friday afternoon and there were a ton of people milling around Gatlinburg. Milling around Gatlinburg is mainly walking around to various shops. Some of the shops sell t-shirts, some sell crafts and nick-knacks. Some sell chocolate. My favorite one being "the Bust of Dolly Parton", which was the bust (shoulder to head) of Dolly Parton. Freud would have a field day with those who bought this item.

Soon, our attention was drawn away from the souvenirs by a teenage couple having an argument in the middle of the road.  I couldn't quite make out what the argument was over, but it was one of the worst I have seen in public.

What made it one of the worse was the young man grabbed the girl's chin and slapped the girl. There was a big hand print on the side of the girl's face. I had never seen a man hit a woman before and I haven't seen it since.

Over the years, I've thought about this couple. What would make him do something so nasty in front of a whole town of tourists? Maybe life has given him a slap or two. At least I hope so.  Maybe he's found Jesus and he replays that scene in his mind as part of his Youthful Embarrassment Reel and has asked for forgiveness.   At least I hope so.

That evening, we went with the Wades to a fancy restaurant: Ruby Tuesday's.  This Ruby Tuesday's had two stories and we were walking up the stairs to our table when this fellow stumbles down going the opposite direction. He's in full 1987 redneck attire: trucker hat, jeans, and a black "Bocephus" t-shirt.

He stopped us and said, "Hey! Would y'all wanna go drinkin' with me?"

Bill is a Southern Baptist minister.

Instead of going all Gospel Holy-Ghost on the guy, Bill said the nicest thing. "We appreciate it, but we've had this dinner planned for a long time."  That seemed to satisfy the man and he went out into the Gatlinburg night.

We made it back to the motel room. It was kind of chilly and Dianne turned on the heater. We turned out the light.

I woke up at 2:30 in the morning. I had sweat running down my face. My wife said, "I'm about to have a heat stroke." I didn't want to wake up Bill and Dianne, so I decided not to turn on the light to turn off the heater. Instead, I decided to open the window.

As I opened the window, Bill turned on the light on their side of the room. His t-shirt was sopping wet from sweating. He turned off the heater. Dianne was sound asleep and was not in the least bit over heated.

I was thinking about that 1987 visit. I thought about the time my wife and I went back in 1988. Then when we took our son there in 1993 and 1994. We returned with a teenager in 2007. What made me think about it was the fire.

You've seen it on the news. There was a wildfire in Gatlinburg which killed 15 people. Hillbilly Golf, one of the first things you see when you arrive in Gatlinburg, was hit, but it survived. Some places were not so lucky. Downtown Gatlinburg survived. I'm not too sure of the Mom and Pop Inn we stayed at.

Gatlinburg is one of those big old friendly tourist destinations. I have a lot of wonderful memories about this tacky little town.

Sure, it is great to travel all over the world. If you have, you are blessed. Some can only go as far as Gatlinburg, and that's okay, too.

Especially if you like pancakes.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

The Rules For Social Media Debates

I guess it is going to become a quadrennial post, but once again we must review The Rules For Social Media Debates.

Quick history lesson: Social Media was not much of a presence in 2008 for the Obama versus McCain election. Facebook was popular with kids mainly because it showed co-eds pooching their lips out like ducks. Twitter was out there, but nobody really understood it that much. ("How can I explain my deeply held belief in 140 characters?")

By the time 2012 arrived (Obama versus Romney), parents had invaded Facebook. People finally got Twitter. ("How many cuss words can I write with 140 characters?")  People worried about civility back then.  How quaint.

By 2016, parents had learned that you did not need to share a photograph of your dinner when you could share the same article many of your Facebook friends shared ("Hillary Clinton is Really Married to Sasquatch. DO WE NEED A BIGAMIST IN THE WHITE HOUSE???!!!")

Of course, this lead to another article shared by other Facebook friends ("Donald Trump: My God")

The sharers of the first article would comment on the second article:  "It is amazing that someone with such bad taste in women (Yeah Madge, I'm talking about you!!! You know what you did at that Christmas party!!!) would denigrate a great American like Mr. Trump, who has been able to hold on to a job, unlike YOU!!!"  

Then it would go down hill from there.

Twitter is far worse than Facebook.  Facebook is like a dog barking at you. Twitter is a rabid dog. 

I feel sorry for famous people on Twitter. 

Tom Hanks: "I like toast. Hanx"
Moby Grape: "SHUT THE (BAD WORD) UP!"

So you can imagine what happened to some people this election cycle on Twitter. A lot of it was very, very mean and nasty. ( I saw Very, Very, Mean and Nasty open for Cheap Trick one time.)

These are rules for Social Media Debates.

1.  The people that disagree with you are not mistaken or misguided. They are evil.

2.  It is important to type in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS to win your argument.

3. Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. They shouldn't step foot in the Thunderdome if they have pumpkin feelings.

4. By all means, use the F word as much as possible. Nothing wins an argument as quickly as that.

5. If that doesn't work, point out all spelling and grammatical errors.  Because spelling + grammar = TRUTH.

6. Memes are still effective but GIFs are better. (I believe that future generations will no longer communicate by writing. Instead, they will communicate  by continuous GIFs.)

7. Do not worry about making sense or even having facts.

8. Never concede a point. You might die.

9. Describe everybody that you slightly disagree with as poop.  Then make fun of them when they get mad at you.

10. Make broad accusations.

11. Comment as much as possible about politics, leaving out anything that might be personal. ("My wife had triplets, but it was the morning after Trump got elected and I was so mad at the racist homophobic, xenophobic, and ailurophobic goobs  who voted for the Orange Idiot that I neglected to post pictures.  Stupid Mike Pence")

12. Always remember: YOU'RE RIGHT AND THEY ARE WRONG.

Just clip and save to help you through the next election. Or maybe just scroll really fast past the political posts.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Something Happened

You walk into the room with your pencil in your hand
You see somebody naked and you say, "Who is that man?"
You try so hard but you don't understand
Just what you will say when you get home
Because something is happening here but you don't know what it is
Do you, Mr. Jones?  ~  Bob Dylan

I was wrong.

Not only that, I was wrong twice in four years.

I have written two blog posts explaining how Donald Trump would never ever in a billion years become President of the United States.  Here's a link to the first one:  

Here's a link to the second one:

I think it is safe to say that I am not a direct descendant of Nostradamus, who incidentally, predicted Trump's victory.

I am totally Mr. Jones. Something was happening and I didn't know what it was. For some reason, this doesn't surprise my wife.

Trump is too rich. He is too vulgar. He doesn't understand complex issues. He's a long winded narcissistic boor. He's been married three time. You can easily find nude pictures of the future First Lady on the internet. Or so I'm told.

He's mean and nasty. He has a short fuse. He's a "hater" and a demagogue. He's very thin skinned and lashes out viciously at critics.

On top of all of that, the Republican Party was split between the Trump people and the "elites" (people that refused to kiss Trump's rump).   He insulted Jeb Bush. He basically called George W. Bush a war criminal. He named Marco Rubio "Lil Marco". He called Ted Cruz "Lyin Ted" and pushed the story that Cruz's father was somehow involved in the Kennedy Assisination.

Those are a lot of liabilities. But, he had a couple of assests.

One: his name was not Hillary Clinton.  Hillary Clinton would have won if she wasn't a micromanged lying skunk. Of course, she wouldn't be Hillary Clinton if she wasn't a micromanaged lying skunk.

Her first response to any question is to lie. You can count on it.  Ask her what's the weather is like outside and if she says "Sunny", you better take an umbrella.

Bengahzi is a perfect example. Instead of saying it was a terrorist attack, Clinton lies about, fabricating an insane story about a video that's just one or two notches above"the dog ate my homework" in believability.

The E-mail story is the same way. Everything Clinton has ever said about it was not a fib or a little white lie, it was a flat out whopper.

Clinton was a terrible campaigner. Her speeches were yelled in a flat Midwestern accent. It wasn't inspiring.

Trump's slogan was "Make America Great Again", which was attacked as natvistic. Of course, Bill Clinton said it every day in the 1992 campaign.

Clinton's slogan was "I'm With Her". Wow, aren't we lucky.

Clinton's husband once said that "Republicans fall in line and Democrats fall in love". In this election, the Republicans, except for some #Nevertrumpers like me, fell in line and voted for Trump. For the most part, the Democrats that fell in love with Obama didn't fall in love with Clinton and they stayed home.

The second asset was the contemptuous spirit of American liberals. American liberals do not want to discuss and debate. American liberals want to mock and ridicule.  American liberals fancy themselves as the kids at the cool table. They have become the Mean Girls. They are the ones who make the rules and those rules can charge whenever they like for any reason. 

They are always ready with a sermon. They are always ready to yell and scream. They are always ready to block on Facebook and Twitter.

They are always decrying "close mindedness" but they never seem open to another point of view.  They preach tolerance, but rarely ever practice it.  They enforce a level of political correctness on college campuses that goes way beyond manners and enters into the land of suppression. Sally Kohn freely admitted to Kristen Powers: “If [conservatives on campus] feel like they can no longer speak against positive social change, good.”

Guess who decides the meaning of "positive social change"?  Hint: it is not anyone that's not sitting at the cool kid's table.

In her Op-Ed piece in USA TODAY, Powers said this:

There is a sense among many “Cracker Barrel” Americans [note: Trump won 76% of the counties that have a Cracker Barrel, one of the exceptions was Cobb County] that they are not only expected to accept rapid cultural changes, but they are obliged to never even express a reservation or ask for more time to adjust. The choice is full-throated embrace or nothing.
They wanted someone to stand athwart history and yell stop. Donald Trump was that man. So they made him president.

I didn't vote for Trump. I voted for Gary Johnson. But you have to tip your hat to Trump. He went out and found The Forgotten Man and at least acted like he was listening to him. Which is more than you can say for Hillary Clinton and most of the American Left.


Wednesday, November 2, 2016

This Week's Picks!

Welp, another year, another Georgia loss to Florida.

At this time last year, I wasn't sure how Coach Cutie Pie was going to keep his job as the Head Coach of the Georgia Bulldogs due to an embarrassing loss to the Florida Lizards Gators.   He didn't.

Mark Richt was fired and Kirby-Not-So-Smart, an acolyte of Coach Nick Satan was hired.

The thought was Coach Not-So-Smart had some of Coach Satan's winner cooties on him and soon the Bulldogs will be leading the pack in their silver britches.

After eight games, Georgia is 4-4. Please kindly lower your expectations, the man is building a process here.

When we look back on the 2016 Georgia campaign, we will all remember the moment we knew Georgia's season was going to suck, big time.  For me, it was the first half of the Nichols game. A lower ranked FCS school in the Southland conference went toe to toe with one of the legacy programs in The SEC and College Football.

I ask Georgia to win four games in a season. I want them to beat: Tennessee, Florida, Auburn, and Georgia Tech.  They have lost to Tennessee and Florida. They probably won't beat Auburn and Tech.

All I'm saying is Coach Not-So-Smart needs to process out a better season next year.

This Week's Picks!

Bad Dawgs vs Kenyucky:  In a normal season, the Kentucky game would be easy-greasy for Georgia. But this is not a normal season. On paper, Georgia is a better team than Kentucky and should win. Of course, Georgia was a better team on paper than Vanderbilt. They better win or they won't even be able to sniff a Shreveport bowl game.  UGA wins.

Bees vs Heels of Tar:  I can't decide if Tech is really good or not. Their five wins have come against bad teams (BC, Vandy, Mercer, Georgia Southern, and Duke) and their three losses (all conference, by the way) have come against good teams (Clemson, Miami, and Pitt). I see them as a mediocre team that can't keep up. But, I'll give them this: they killed Vandy.  UNC wins

Coach Paul Johnson Gets The Holy Ghost

Bama vs Ellesyou:  LSU finally cut crazy Les Miles loose and now their interim head coach is Ed Orgeron from Larose, Louisiana which is way back in the swamp. He used to hunt alligator for a living. He'd just knock them in the head with a stump.  Everyone blamed Ed's old man for making him mean as a snake. When Ed Orgeron was a boy his daddy would use him for alligator bait. Anyway, Orgeron has LSU playing better football and there is a possibility they could theoretically surprise Bama. You can't surprise Nick Satan. Bama wins.

The Interim Head Coach Of LSU

Huskers of Corn vs  Eyes of The Buck:  I haven't written too much about The Ohio State University in the state of Ohio because for some reason, probably being scared by Woody Hayes as a child, I've never cared that much for them. Plus, I've always felt the stickers they put on their helmets look like marijuana leaves.  Oh, look, Nebraska is back to being a good football team again. You know who is the biggest celebrity fan of Nebraska? Larry The Cable Guy. I'm tempted to say Nebraska will get it done. But they won't. Ohio State wins.

Told You

Benny's Eagles vs Ole Mess:  Ole Miss is probably the best four loss team in the nation. Georgia Southern isn't so hot this year so the Rebs should rebound. Ole Miss wins.

My Beloved Owls vs Clark-Atlanta:  What school's football team has the best record in the state of Georgia? Answer: Kennesaw State University.  The Hooters are really hooting this year. KSU  wins.

Friday, October 21, 2016

I Gotta Go Vote And I Sure Do Dread It

Did anyone really think this Presidential election was going to be anything other than a depressing fecal fight to the finish?

Did anyone really think this Presidential election was going to be anything other than a dismal march to an inevitable end-the presidency of Hillary Clinton?

I remember when I had high hopes for 2016.

After all, Clinton has been around a long time and most people accept the fact that she is a lying skunk.

Republicans had a "deep bench". They had several governors of "Blue States". They had a couple of sharp young senators that would have compared favorably to the much older Clinton. They had an African-American brain surgeon. They even had a former CEO of a  technology firm that I still think is kind of cute, but that's just me.  They had a Bush.

I could have voted for any one of these people. I think they could have won, too. Even Bush.

All of that went down the drain on that June day when Donald J. Trump rode down the escalator and announced his candidacy.

In the previous Presidential election, the voters told the Republican Party it was too rich, too old and too white. So what does The GOP do?  They nominate a rich old man. But give them credit, he isn't white. He's more orange.

I have never been a fan of Trump. I've always found him to be a little over the top.  I guess that is an understatement.

Trump has been childish, churlish, and boorish. He has shown remarkable ignorance about some really important things, like the Nuclear Triad. He's promised a wall at the US-Mexican border and promised he would get Mexico to pay for it. However, as Tony Powell of Imus In The Morning said, nobody has seen a blueprint of the wall.

His stream of consciousness speeches connected with a lot people.

The Downhome Don from Queens made a lot  of sense to people who are constantly being told to shut up and they don't matter because of something their great grandfather said or did.  They are not cool. They don't believe the right things. They didn't go to the right schools, if they went at all. Like Randy Newman's Rednecks, they "drink too much and they laugh too loud".

These people are always told how bad they are. They are racist. They are homophobes. They are Islamic phobic. They are deplorable.

He's also connected with a bunch of vicious eight balls whose main purpose seems to be how vulgar and mean they can be.

Instead of leading these people, Trump has just played to the choir. He became a political version of Steve Martin. He toured around, drawing big crowds, but instead of saying "Excuse Me", he said "Rigged Elections".

He basically had one argument: "Me". He made President Obama seem like a shrinking violet.

Trump has split the Republican Party.  Most Republicans are going to hold their nose and vote for him mainly because of The Supreme Court.

However, several of us can't vote for Trump. He may be a billionaire, but he is simply unfit to be President of The United States. It is a simple case of  the wrong man for the wrong job.

What are we going to do? Some of us will end up voting for Clinton. Some will vote for Gary Johnson, who could have been a contender if he would lay off the wacky tobacky. Some will write in various names.

All I know is this has been a terrible election cycle and I will be happy when it is over.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

This Week's Picks

Even though I have been writing about College Football this fall, don't think I've been ignoring The Presidential Election campaign between  Man-Pig and She-Bat from Hell, otherwise known as Trump versus Clinton.

Unless you have been hiding in a cave (lucky you!), you've probably heard the audio tape of Donald Trump bragging to Billy Bush how he (Trump) tried to score with a married woman and how she shot him down despite proven make-out techniques like furniture shopping and genital grabbing. Trump gets to do that because "he's a star".

Trump: "Here we are at Rooms To Go."
Woman: "Thanks. HEY! (Punches Trump in the face.)
Trump:  "You're such a loser. You could've had a sectional sofa if you played your cards right."

Trump confessed that he always carries around Tic-Tacs, just in case beautiful women just happen to appear, because the babes put his lips into kissing mode. Nothing kills a brand more than moving in for some smoochie-woochies and having coffee breath.

Donald Trump's Favorite

The tape surprised people because it caught Trump using graphic language that he generally reserves for describing fellow Republicans.  Some in the party have called for Trump to step aside. The chance of this ever happening is slim to none and Slim just left town.

I will say, in all seriousness, it is very disappointing to have two candidates like Trump and Clinton. It is the worst of all possible worlds. Which is why College Football is such a great escape from these two clowns.

This Week's Picks!

Non-Mississippi State Bulldogs vs The Commode Doors:  Due to Hurricane Matthew, UGA had to play South Carolina on Sunday, which, as most sports commentators point out, makes for a short week. Then the commentators realized UGA was playing Vanderbilt, so it's not really that big of a deal.. Vandy is having their typical Vandy year (getting a celebration penalty called after they make a first down). UGA needs to win this game by 4000 to 0 but will probably win by a safety. In any event, UGA wins!

Buzzed vs Bennie's Eagles: Right on schedule, Georgia Tech has lost three straight games. Fortunately for them,  Georgia Southern is showing up just in time. They are not playing as well in the "Let's Get Drunk" (Sun Belt) Conference. They lost last week to Arkansas State, which brought great shame and dishonor to Statesboro which is saying something. (The Great Southeast Georgia country band, "Shame and Dishonor" is playing at Gnat's Landing this Saturday night. Two drink minimum.) I would love to see Southern win so I could throw it back in the face of my Tech friends who think they are better than me just because they can add and subtract. And multiply. And divide.  Tech wins!

Rolling Tide vs Rocky Topped:  This is the second game of the Tennessee nightmare. Last week, the Vols finally lost a close game to Texas A&M. I can assure you this will not happen this week. Oh, Tennessee will lose,  but it will not be close. Bama wins!

Ahia State vs Weskahnsin: I have been to Ohio twice in my life. The first time was to Dayton, Ohio. It was the week before Father's Day and there was a sale on sweaters at the Dayton Mall. Honest. The second time I went to Youngstown (town motto: "Yes, We Are America's Armpit"). My basic conclusion about Ohio is that it is Mississippi with better PR and more snow. I've never been to Wisconsin, although I really need to put Wisconsin Dells on my bucket list. I think I dislike The Ohio State University in Ohio almost as much as Notre Dame. However, we here at This Week's Picks take pride in being open minded and objective which means we'll never get a job in journalism.  Ohio State wins!

My Hooters vs Falwell's Flames:  I'm not bragging, but Kennesaw State is 4-1. Last year, we went up to Liberty and got Sunday Schooled, but this year, I'm thinking we'll be okay. Owls win!

Thursday, October 6, 2016

This Week's Picks

It is important to remember this one very important fact: no matter how many problems we have in America, at least we're not drawing Mr. Spock on our dollar bills.

Mr. Spock was a character in the TV show "Star Trek", which is a show I enjoyed when I was seven and for some reason did not obsess over it for the rest of my life. How I escaped this form of geekdom is beyond me.

I'm not quite sure what Mr. Spock's job was  (please do not tell me) except to look at Captain Kirk and raise an eyebrow (which is Vulcan body language for: "You are really overacting now, Shatner" )

However, he was quite popular on a very popular show and when the actor who played Mr. Spock (Leonard Nimoy) died, people in Canada started to draw Mr. Spock on their five dollar bills.  I'm sure this is: A) Donald Trump's fault; B) Barack Obama's fault; or C) Hillary Clinton's fault. To be on the safe side, I would blame all three of them.

The Bank of Canada (slogan: "Hey Hoser, We're Your Bank, Eh?") has officially politely requested all Canadians to stop drawing Mr. Spock on their five dollar bills.

The request reads: "However, there are important reasons why it should not be done. Writing on a bank note may interfere with the security features and reduces its lifespan. Markings on a note may also prevent it from being accepted in a transaction. Furthermore, the Bank of Canada feels that writing and markings on bank notes are inappropriate as they are a symbol of our country and a source of national pride".

I think we can all agree that Leonard Nimoy is an inappropriate symbol of Canada. Even if he does have a goatee.

Live Long and Prosper You Hoser

This Week's Picks!

Bummed Puppies vs Chickens:  If the last minute of the UGA-Tennessee game and the French Onion Hamburger Steak from The West Cobb Diner (Motto: "Hey Alan, Have Some More") doesn't put me in the Cardiac Care wing of the hospital, nothing will.  After two losses, UGA is looking to get back on track against South Carolina because The Illegal Fighting Birds  are having their typical season (Meh). At press time, it is not known if the game will be played in Columbia or on Saturday due to Hurricane Matthew McConaughey.  Alright, alright , alright, whenever they play, the Bulldogs should win. UGA wins.

Where Everybody Knows My Name

Wrecked vs The Pitts:  If there's one thing you can count on, you can count on that if Coach Grumpy Cat's Triple Freakin' Option offense doesn't  score early, Tech will probably lose. Last week's game against Miami was the typical Tech wreck. The Hurricane defense scored twice because of Tech miscues. If you know Mark Spain, just let him know that he should expect a call from somebody with the initials of PJ sometime in late November.  Pitt wins.

The Head Coach of The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

Bamy vs Pigs:  This week, The Tide plays the Razorbacks of Arkansas, the home of the most annoying cheer in The Southeastern Conference. ("Sooey, Sooey, Pig, Pig" repeated four billion times.)  However, it is also the  home of the hottest wife of a head coach in the history of college football, Jen Bielema. Despite all of this beauty, Bama should prevail over the Pigs.  Bama wins.

Jen Bielema

Rocky Top vs. Ags:  For some reason, this year, I seem to know a lot of Tennessee fans. Lucky me. Speaking of luck, Tennessee is playing Texas A&M this week and Bama next week, so they'll need all the luck they can get.  If they win the next two games, they'll probably change the name of Knoxville to ButchJonesville.  I don't think that will happen. Texas A&M wins.

Beloved Hooters vs Missouri S&T: I thought I'd mention that Kennesaw State was the only Division One Georgia school that won last week. This week, my beloved 3-1 Owls take on Missouri S&T. The "S&T" stands for Science and Technology.  Where else can you get information like that? Owls win.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

This Week's Picks

In case you didn't hear about it, there was a Presidential Debate between the Democratic nominee Former First Lady Senator Secretary Hillary Clinton and the Republican nominee Big Orange Donald J. Trump.

The following is an actual transcript of the debate.

Clinton:  We need to invest in the middle class despite the fact that most of them, particularly in the icky part of the country that I had to live in due to the  hillbilly I married, are deplorable.

Trump:  Rosie O'Donnell

Clinton: I am wearing a coughing prevention machine underneath this Devil red pantsuit.

Trump: Sniff

Clinton:  As part of my preparation for the debate, I memorized the entire Phenix City, Alabama phone book for no particular reason.

Trump:  I was going to mention  that there is a person who may or may not be married to someone who may or may not be my opponent and that person had physical carnal relations with members of the opposite sex to whom they were not married. Everybody says I am too much of a gentleman to bring this up in front of this person's 36-year-old daughter or whatever. Mail my Nobel Prize to Donald J. Trump, Trump Plaza. New York, New York.

This Week's Picks!

Pounded Pups vs Hillbillies:  Last week, Georgia got totally killed 5 billion to 20 (or something like that) against Ole Miss. Tennessee had their biggest win in decades against Florida. This Week's Picks Alabama correspondent, Hop Daddy, offered his prediction on the game. "Tennessee will be flat. Dawgs will be home. They will rebound.  I think".  He's got a point. Tennessee plays Texas A&M and Bama after the Dawgs and they may be looking past UGA. Gee, I'd like to see Georgia win. They won't. Tennessee wins

Bumbled Bees vs U:  Well, we found out last week what kind of team Tech was: not a very good one.  Coach Cutie Pie (Mark Richt) is now at Miami and he brings a pretty good working knowledge on how to defend against "The Triple Freaking Option". It doesn't add up to a win for Tech. A loss will divide the fan base and multiply the calls for the firing of Coach Grumpy McGrumperson (Paul Johnson). I'm sure there are other math analogies I could use. Miami wins.

Just Like Old Times

Trees vs Wurshington:  Stanford is a smart kids school that has a good football team. Washington is the large university  in a state known for caffeine and marijuana.  Dude, Washington has been playing well. But man, Stanford is ranked seventh, man. But, dude, Washington is ranked tenth. Hey man, Stanford has Christian McCaffrey who is sort of the Miles Davis of college football because he leaves his opponents kind of blue.  Dude, Stanford wins.

Lousyville vs Clem's Son:  The team that scares almost everyone in college football (except Nick Satan Saban) is Louisville. They treated Florida State like Ole Miss treated Georgia.  The problem with Louisville is they are coached by Bobby Petrino, who has probably spent half the week in a secret Baton Rouge bungalow interviewing for the LSU job. Clemson looked like their old selves against Georgia Tech.  It would mean a lot to Clemson if they could knock off Louisville. Too bad they won't.  Louisville wins.

Bennie's Eagles vs Arky State:  Did you know there was another university in Arkansas besides The University of Arkansas?  I didn't. Arkansas State is in Jonesboro, Arkansas, which is the largest city in Northeast Arkansas. Really. I didn't believe it myself but it was right there in Wikipedia, so you know it is accurate. The number one restaurant in town is Skinny J's which has a "purple specialty drink (that) is absolutely delicious".  So, if you are ever in Jonesboro, Arkansas and want a purple specialty drink, you know where to go. What other humor blog does that for you?  Georgia Southern wins.

My Beloved Owls vs Furman:  Lost in the hoopla of the Tennessee-Florida game was the Kennesaw State-Duquesne game in which the Mighty Hooters, in only its second year of existence, defeated a team that went to the FCS playoffs last year. Plus, a video of an Owl player passing out due to fright when the team flight to Pittsburgh hit  air turbulence went viral. What a weekend! Owls win. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

This Week's Picks

Here at Picks Central, we are breaking in with breaking news.

Of course, I'm talking about the impending divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. This news officially broke Twitter when it was announced.

Our major news outlets have weighed in. USA Today has a story titled "BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE: WHAT WE NOW KNOW".   Basically, what we now know is that they are getting a divorce and they have six children: Maddox, 15, Pax, 12, Zahara, 11, Shiloh, 10, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 8.  (I lost count after Pax, but I knew they had a slew of them.)

From the Hollywood Desk of This Week's Picks, the story is that Brad Pitt, who was once married to Jennifer Aniston, had an affair with a beautiful actress I have never heard of, which caused Angelina Jolie to file for the divorce, despite the irony that Pitt was married to Aniston when he had an affair with Jolie.

A couple of things. One, most guys are very jealous of Brad Pitt because many beautiful women want to make sweet love to him even though he's never won a Super Bowl. Two, most guys never would have cheated on Jennifer Aniston, but most guys aren't Brad Pitt.

Cheap Exploitive Way To Get Clicks

This Week's Picks!

Doggies vs Ole Mess:  Our pal Nick, This Week's Picks UGA correspondent, has this theory called "Georgia Grease". Georgia has been "sliding by" in winning the exceptionally close games.  Nick says  Georgia makes the grease that it can "slide by" on. Think of it as "a man makes his own luck". It's not The String Theory but there's something to it.  Ole Miss had a heartbreaker with Bama. They've lost two games against two good teams. I think the Rebels are a better team than the Bulldogs and that's not because my wife's hair stylist's son goes to Ole Miss. Ole Miss wins.

Bees vs Esso: Tech has its first big test against Clemson. Clemson hasn't played well. Tech has played Mercer. Oh, what the heck. Call this game The Lock of The Century of The Week. The Bees will stun the world on Thursday night. You saw it here first. Tech wins.

Weskhanson vs Meeshegan State: Wisconsin, which beat the college men of LSU that go in dumb and come out dumb too, almost lost to Georgia State. That's not quite as bad as UGA almost losing to Nicholls, but it is still not good. Michigan State is the other Michigan school. You know, the one without the funny helmets or the psycho coach. This should be a fairly enjoyable game. Spartans win.

Lizards vs Rocky Flop:   According to Pete and Repete of  "Moonshine In The Morning" on Knoxville's sports talk radio station WOOO radio, Florida has a great chance to win the SEC East because it is "wide open" meaning nobody in the SEC East is playing all that great.  The Gator quarterback was injured in last week's game against North Texas.  Tennessee seems like they are playing better. They are playing in Knoxville. This means if you hear banjo music, you must paddle faster. Tennessee wins

Piggies vs Aggies:  Bret Bielema, the Coach of The Arkansas Razorbacks, is the walking definition of "outkicking your coverage". He's this big ol' goofball of a man who is married to a smoking hot woman. (I say this strictly clinically). Unfortunately, his team is not smoking hot and they play in the SEC West.  Texas A&M is one of your better teams flying under the radar. Texas A&M wins.

Benny's Eagles vs Western Michigan: Here's big news-they found the real "GUS" at Georgia Southern and brought him back to Statesboro. Poor guy.  Georgia Southern is 3-0 and the internets are complaining about their play. Well, they'll have reason to on Saturday. Western Michigan wins.

The Hoots vs The Dukes: My beloved Kennesaw (pronounced "Kenny-saw") State Owls travel to Pittsburgh to play the Duquesne (pronounced "Due Kane") Dukes. Duquesne is a Catholic University, which is as close to Notre Dame as the Owls will get to in my life time. They are 2-1. Sorry, birds, they'll be 3-1 at the end of the day. Duquesne wins

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

This Week's Picks!

Not meaning to toot my own horn, but last week I did something I had never done in the 14 years of This Week's Picks: I called all of the games correctly. However, one team tried its best to lose (I'm looking at you, UGA). But in any event:  Toot, toot!

Granted, it wasn't very hard to call The Stink Week games. I figured even I couldn't jinx Tech enough to cause them to lose to Mercer. Can you imagine a world in which Georgia loses to Nicholls and Tech loses to Mercer? It's like a world where either a congenital liar or a narcissistic businessman  can become President of The United States.

This Week's Picks!

Puppies vs Misery:  This Week's Picks UGA correspondent,   Our Friend Nick, reports that Kirby Smart didn't want to show too much to Mizzou in the Nicholls contest. If that's the case, UGA executed his plan flawlessly because it really didn't look like UGA was a SEC school playing against a Southland Conference School.  As Pete and Ree Pete would say on "Moonshine In The Morning": They've got to play better against Missouri, if they want to win. Which reminds me of this question on the UGA entrance exam. Which state produces the most milk?  Moo-souri. Get it? Georgia should get udderly serious in this game. UGA wins.

Bees vs Commode Doors: Vanderbilt comes to Georgia Tech to play football and not despite reports, to engage in the world's largest Pok√©mon Go contest. Vandy is having their typical year: stinky. Which reminds me of this joke: How many Vandy players does it take to change a tire?  One, unless it is blowout, in which case they'll all show up.You never know about Tech. While I think they'll probably have a losing record, you never know. They just might win all of their games and go to the National Championship. The good news for the Nerds is that they'll be 3-0 before the Clemson game on September 22nd.  Tech wins.

Comical First Name Coach vs Lousyville:  For those of you that don't know, Jimbo Fisher is the head coach of The Florida State Seminoles. His actual name is John James Fisher. Okay  The Louisville coach,  Bobby Petrino, used to be the coach of The Atlanta Falcons for a couple of days. He left to coach at Arkansas, which seemed like a good decision until he decided to ride a motorcycle with a hot blonde, which Bear Bryant used to do all the time. Arkansas didn't like this, so they fired him. He went to Western Kentucky for a year.  Now he coaches Louisville, which is where he was coaching when he left to coach The Atlanta Falcons.  This is a major game and should decide the winner in whatever conference this is for The ACC. Until further notice, Jimbo is a the better coach. FSU wins.

Bama vs Ole Mess:  For two years in a row, Ole Miss has defeated Alabama. Even though it is always enjoyable to watch Alabama lose, it is selfish of me to ask to the Lord for a third win in a row. (What other humor blog do you know gives such sound theological advice?)  Bama wins.

Benny's Eagles vs Another School In Louisiana:  I've actually been on the campus of The University of Louisiana at Monroe. It was in the late 70's and it was called Northeast Louisiana University back then. The team was called "The Indians" (SHOCK! HORROR!) As of the late 90's Northeast Louisiana University became The University of Louisiana at Monroe and did away with that deplorable team name and became "The War Hawks". Two famous alumni: Tim McGraw and Willie Robertson ("Duck Dynasty").  School motto: "Yeah, It Is Louisiana".  That's about all I know about ULM.  Georgia Southern wins

Thursday, September 8, 2016

This Week's Picks

Talk about starting off with a bang!

Last week College Football had a can't miss line-up of games. The double- overtime Texas-Notre Dame game drew a total of 11.1 million viewers, which according to someone who knows a lot about drawing crowds is "bigly".

From Wisconsin-LSU to UGA-UNC to BAMA-USC to Texas-Notre Dame to FSU-Ole Miss, each game was interesting and compelling.

Then you have this week.  The newest golden child, Houston, is playing Lamar and Clemson is playing Troy.  Or is it Houston playing Troy and Clemson playing Lamar?  The big time schools are no longer playing the "Directional Colleges", they're playing schools named after guys in your fraternity.

In any event, welcome to STINK WEEK  here at THIS WEEK'S PICKS!

Kirby's Kanines  vs School That Needed The Money:  UGA is playing Nicholls State this week. Where is Nicholls State?  I will give you a hint from their roster:  Boutte, Figaro, LeBouoef, Boudreaux, Guarisco, LeBlanc, and Arceneaux.  That's right, Nicholls State, which is located in Thibodaux, Louisiana, the aorta in the heart of Cajun Country. I guess the University of Louisiana at Monroe was busy. (In fact, they are: they are playing Oklahoma) As Justin Wilson used to say, "Ah gar-ron-tee (I guarantee) a Georgia win and Jacob Eason will throw for a billion yards. Geaux dawgs". In other words, goodbye Joe, me gotta go with the Bulldogs.  UGA wins! 

Bees vs Baptist Bears:  Last week Georgia Tech defeated Boston College in Dublin, Ireland. The game started around 7:30 in the morning which meant Tech fans could enjoy the game and go to Dragon-Con. A win-win for our friends in the flats.  This week, Tech plays Mercer, which didn't even have a football team until Obama's second term. Even I can't jinx Tech enough for this game. Tech wins!

Paul Johnson Enjoying Tech's Win Over Boston College

The Eagles From Gnat's Landing vs. An Alabama Team That Doesn't Roll Tide or War Eagle: Last week, the Jaguars of South Alabama defeated the other Bulldogs of Mississippi State, which had to be the biggest victory of in the history of non-Bama/non-Auburn football. Georgia Southern (alma mater: "Why Don't We Get Drunk") killed Savannah State. The Eagles also had a mascot change. Their mascot, "GUS", had a face lift and we're not quite sure which gender New "GUS" identifies  with.  In any event, this is a big deal on Georgia Southern related Twitter topics, right behind which bars actually card.   It will be interesting to see if South Alabama can do it two weeks in a row. I don't think they will. Georgia Southern Wins!

Us With Old GUS



Gobblers vs Rocky Flop:  Last Thursday, the Tennessee Volunteers barely defeated Appalachian State. For kicks and with the help of my I Heart Radio app, I tuned into Knoxville sports talk radio to see how they handled such a stinky game.  I found WOOO radio AM-FM and listened to "Moonshine In The Morning with Pete and Ree Pete"

Pete: Tennessee didn't play well at all.
Ree Pete:  Nope, not good at all.
Pete: If they want to win, they're going to have to play better.
Ree Pete: They have to play better if they want to win.
Pete: Let's see what the callers have to say.
Ree Pete: Let's take a call
Pete: Nick in Knoxville, you're on the air.
Nick: Hey, Pete
Pete: Hey, Nick
Nick: Hey, Ree Pete
Ree Pete: Hey, Nick
Nick:  I just want to know, um, you know, what y'all thought about the game last night. I don't think they played well at all. I'll hang up and listen to your comments on the radio.
Pete: They didn't play well
Ree Pete: No sir, they didn't play well. They will have to play better if they want to win.
Pete: If they want to win, they have to play great. Just like the great deals you'll find here at Gatlinburg Ford Chrysler Volkswagen Audi. Stop by here before the end of our show at 11:00 and say "I love Moonshine In The Morning with Pete and Ree Pete and you'll get a coupon for a bag of Wise potato chips. 

I listened for about an hour and left with the definite impression that Tennessee didn't play well and if they want to win they'll have to play better.  Of course, some callers  felt  that Tennessee was looking past Appalachian State to this Saturday's game against Virginia Tech. when they should have been playing one game at a time. On paper, Tennessee is probably the better team and it is SEC versus ACC, so Tennessee should win.  Tennessee wins!

Hooters vs Point: My beloved Kennesaw State Owls (motto: "There's no way you could get in now, Manis") lost a heart breaker to East Tennessee State. They'll have to play better if they want to win. Fortunately, Point University is coming to Down The Road From Town Center Stadium. Point is 0-2 so far this year. The president of Point University, Dean Collins, once threw me a touchdown pass in a touch football game. Despite that, I have to go with my Owls. Kennesaw wins!

"Alan was open"

Thursday, September 1, 2016

This Week's Picks!

Here we are, back again, with another year of This Week's Picks, America's leading College Football prediction blog post from West Cobb County.

But first, a little history.

I began This Week's Picks as a thread on a little website called WheelerAlumni.Com in 2002. I learned two things quickly: People can't take a joke and Georgia Tech fans have amazing coping abilities.

I moved This Week's Picks to my award winning blog, Humor Me in 2009. One particular post had almost 200 readers in a week's time. That's not too shabby.

It began to grow and grow. In addition to the major FBS games, I added Georgia Southern  to each week since my son went there. I also added NCAA Division II and Division III games, even though, frankly, I was simply looking for the funniest sounding schools. Fortunately, Division III has a ton of funny sounding schools, my favorite being Ursinus College (pronounced "Your Sinus College").

I took a hiatus from This Week's Picks for the blog for a couple of years, but I brought it back last year. Here we go.

This Week's Picks!

Puppies vs Heels of Tar:  Last year, Georgia went 10-3 and fired their head coach,  Coach Cutie Pie. No worries for Coach Pie-he was immediately hired by The University of Miami, which is like the local Hooters announcing they're under new management by the deacons of Thomas Road Baptist Church. Georgia's new head coach is Kirby Smart, who worked for Nick Satan Saban and hopefully has Bama Cooties when it comes to winning. North Carolina is supposed to be good this year. Meh. When it comes to SEC vs ACC, I always go with the SEC. UGA wins!

Bumbles vs Shh,Don't Tell Anyone Matt Ryan Went Here:  God works in mysterious ways, which is the only possible explanation for the Georgia Tech/Boston College game being played in Dublin, Ireland. It also might explain why after a 3-9 season, Tech didn't fire Coach Personality (Paul Johnson).  So it is another year of "The Triple Option" which either works really well or it doesn't work at all. The Nerdy Alumni of Tech seem to believe in something called "a jinx" and believe I am one.  Yep, Tech lost 9 games because of me. Anyway, Tech needs all of the help they can get this year, so I'm not picking them in this game. Boston College wins!

Ellesyu vs Weskonson: Les Miles, who let's face it, is half a bubble off plumb, was not fired either last year despite a disappointing season. He has one of the top players in the country (Leonard Fournette) and they should be better this year. If not, well, did you ever see a Cajun when he really got mad?  LSU wins!

Bamy vs Birth Control:  Alabama begins their annual defense of the national title with a game against the University of Southern California. This would have been an awesome game in 1978. USC is good, but Bama is Bama. Bama wins!

Our Lady vs Our Cattle:   Warning! Warning!  Notre Dame is supposed to be good this year! Stay away from your TV sets because it will be all Notre Dame all the time until they lose to someone. It would be cool if they lost to Texas. They won't. Notre Dame wins!

Old Mess vs Criminoles:  Did I ever tell you about the time I went to the Ole Miss campus? It is beautiful, a pearl in a sea of grits. The team is the typical college football mix of great athletes that may/may not be felons. Just like Florida State.  Anyway, I will violate my rule about picking the SEC in a SEC/ACC game. Florida State should win. They will  FSU wins!

My Beloved Owls vs Hillbillies:  Believe it or not, I have some extra discretionary funds this year and I have contacted my alma mater for season tickets. I had to leave my phone number for a callback. I haven't heard a word. It is not like I have a weekly blog or have published three books this year. Anyhoo (get it!?), the Owls were pretty good last year for a new team. They should be this year. Kennesaw State wins!