Saturday, May 28, 2011

Shucky Ducky

The punditry class is going crazy since no big name Republican (like Eisenhower or Lincoln) has thrown their hat into the ring for the 2012 nomination. When somebody like Tim Pawlenty can make big waves announcing his candidacy (title of speech: “Gee, Gang, Let’s Run for President”), you can sense that there is some discontent with the candidates.

Not meaning to toot my own horn, but I told you that Haley Barbour would never be President. He must have read the January 7, 2011 Humor Me because he has backed out. The same with Donald Trump (Humor Me-April 10,2011), whose stump speech,” What Are You *#$% Looking At?”, blistered the paint off the walls but he dropped out too. Newt Gingrich’s (Humor Me-March 29, 2011) campaign took off like a led balloon when he promised to impeach President Clinton. This means that the three people I told you would not be President, will not be President.

Other big names have dropped out. Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels, who looks like the reincarnation of Calvin Coolidge, except without the hair or charisma, took himself out of the race last weekend. Gov Daniels has been married twice to the same woman. In the 90’s, she went bat crazy and ran off with another man. That didn’t last and she came back home and I’m sure nobody wants to relive that nightmare.

My favorite drop out was by former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. It wasn’t a great surprise that he decided not to run. He’s making real good money for the first time in his life and building a big house in Florida. It was the way he announced it.

Huckabee has a show on Fox News that is part political commentary/part interview/part what the heck just happened. I tuned in to see his big announcement. However, before the announcement, Huckabee decided to jam with Ted Nugent.

Nugent played his hit, “Cat Scratch Fever” while Huckabee played along with his bass. Huckabee is a former Baptist pastor and seeing him slapping the bass to this highly sexualized song was surreal to say the least. There was Huckabee minutes away from making history and Nugent is singing the double entendre about a lover’s reproductive organs.

Yet do not despair Republicans, there are some people that want the nomination. For example, Herman Cain, who used to have a radio talk show here in Atlanta. He was once the head of Godfather’s Pizza and is rolling in the dough.

Mr. Cain is already the winner of the best new slogans of the 2012 campaign: “Yes We Cain” and “Rock Me like a Herman Cain”. At his announcement held in Atlanta’s Centennial Olympic Park, Cain proclaimed: “Aw, Shucky Ducky as the man said”.

I have to admit that before last week I had never heard of the phrase “Shucky Ducky”. I have researched this phrase to find the definition. According to The Urban Dictionary, it is a replacement word for “Feces” except insert the word that rhymes with “Mitt”.

The Urban Dictionary also says it is a term of endearment. There are plenty of people who call other people excrement just to say “I love you”.

I think the GOP can use “Shucky Ducky” as a slogan to describe the President’s handling of the economy. “Gas Prices = Shucky Ducky”. “Ten Per Cent Unemployment is Shucky Ducky”.

You have to admit it is catchier than “I’m Mitt Romney and I have My Lucky Mormon Drawers On”.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Go Forth or Something Like That

If I ever gave a graduation speech…..

Go placidly amid the noise and haste. If you don’t know what going placidly is, do not tell anyone you graduated from this school. The administration of this institution of higher learning has tried for years to get you to go placidly and for the most part you were non placid.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others even the dull and the ignorant, because usually they will be the ones talking. Or, at the very least, calling sports talk radio stations. Avoid loud and aggressive persons because they will be your bosses and they will want you to do some soul crushing meaningless task.

If you compare yourself with others you will became vain or bitter because you’ll be reading a magazine about, oh Justin Bieber, and you will become mad because he makes millions of dollars and can’t even grow facial hair. Or Lady Gaga who is famous because she wears meat. Why didn’t we think of that? We were too busy learning about algorithms to know we could wear a meat shirt and lecture our adoring fans about immigration.

Enjoy your achievements, for they will be few. Like the time you got to the new level in “Black Ops” instead of studying for your Econ final. Way to go! Keep interested in your own career. For the liberal arts major, that means being the best waiter/waitress you can be and learning the new items on the “2 for $20” menu insert.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, unless you become “too big to fail” then you can do just about whatever you want. The world is full of trickery, like those commercials for the bracelets that claim to give you better balance. Let this not blind you to what virtue there is: many persons strive for high ideals-we call them “waiters” and “waitress” (last year’s liberal arts graduates) and they will be serving your table today. Remember to tip them well.

Be yourself-unless you are a creep, bigot, jerk, perv, bully, or just plain weirdo. Then try to be somebody else, preferably someone who acts like a human being. Do not be cynical about love. Young women want status (money) and security (money). Young men just want something hot.

Try to grow old gracefully, unlike those of my generation who want to hang on to every shred of youth possible, mainly through chemical means. Try to come up with some better music. I’m tired of hearing “Sweet Home Alabama” too, but what is coming out now is horrible. Oh yes, stop saying “The Beatles” are over-rated. Geez, that is just plain dumb.

You are a child of the universe. But so is everybody else. Quit whining. Go out, get a job. It may not be the job you want, but join the club. If it pays the bills and feeds you, great! We Baby Boomers need all the taxpayers we can get.

To answer a question you asked a thousand times while you were at this institution: No, you will not need to know a majority of the stuff you learned here. Nobody will ask you a question about “Beowulf” in the real world unless it has something to do with Angelina Jolie. They will be real interested if you can get along with people, do what you are told to do, and keep your mouth shut.

Ninety per-cent of success in life is just showing up. Five per-cent of the rest is showing up on time. The remaining five per-cent is not telling people about your “Star Wars” action figures collection. Now go on, get out of here and don’t forget to pay back your student loans.

Saturday, May 7, 2011


One of the problems of being in my “age demographic” is that if something happens after a certain time at night, I will probably miss hearing about it.

That was certainly the case with the killing of Osama Bin Laden. We had gone to Statesboro, Georgia to see our son at Georgia Southern University (motto: “Look, we know it is Statesboro, but…”) and that trip always wipes me out. So when Sunday Night fell, I fell too. Do I know where I was when I heard that Osama Bin Laden was killed? Sure: I was sitting in the living room watching the morning news.

It is obvious that I have never been a big fan of President Obama. His election as President was the wrong man for the wrong job for the wrong reasons. He has little if no real understanding of market economics. When it comes to foreign affairs, he seems more than a little worried about what would be said at Harvard than in our own self interest.

That being said, the ‘hit’ on Osama sends a huge message to the bad guys of the world. When a wuss like that orders a “double tap”, you are not dealing with a weak country and you better watch yourself,Dude. To paraphrase Toby Keith, Obama will put a Birkenstock up your sphincter, it’s the American way.

Of course, this poses a problem for those of us on this side of the political river. Obama eating a can of metaphorical spinach and turning into Popeye doesn’t fit into our template of the man. Our friends on the political left are now acting like they have mullets and tank top t-shirts about Obama opening a can whoop-up. They think it assures his re-election.

Triumphs like the Osama take down rarely have any long term traction. In 1917, President Woodrow “Woody” Wilson entered the US “over there” in World War I and helped end the war to end all wars. He was the toast of the Europe. He came home to America and became toast. Winston Churchill saved England from Hitler but was thrown out of office before World War II ended. (Now there’s a bumper sticker: “Churchill-He Saved Western Civilization”)

In more recent times, Jimmy Carter brokered the Camp David accords in 1978. There was a hiccup that threaten it in the spring of 1979 and he straighten it out to much fanfare. (I will always remember the front page of The Atlanta Constitution which should have been called “The Atlanta Carter” in those days, showed a picture of the beaming Carter with the headline “He Did It”.)

Then you have the poster child for how foreign victories rarely work out well: President First George Bush. He ran Saddam Hussein out of Kuwait and enjoyed a 90% approval rating. A year and a half later, he was defeated for re-election by Bill “Sex Machine” Clinton, who turned all the women on by his moony eyed looks and his promise to feel your pain. Turns out he meant something else.

Personally, it really didn’t matter who got Bin Laden as long as he was gotten. If the Left feels good about Obambo, great. It is really a feather in his cap. I just have a feeling his bounce in the polls will only last for about two fill ups at the gas station.