Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Last '24' Recap

Before we get into the series finale of 24, there is a little house cleaning I need to mention.

Last fall, I did a Mad Men weekly recap because Mad Men is probably the best show on television. It wasn’t quite as popular as the 24 recap for various reasons, but mainly because nobody watches AMC. However, I neglected to do a recap of the last show of the season because I forgot. Look, it happens to the best of bloggers. We’re not getting paid for this, you know.

Anyway, on the last show of season on Mad Men: they all went out and started a new ad agency.

The series finale of 24 is a big two hour affair. Agent Chico goes to the Ugly Friend’s apartment to see if he knows where Jack is. Agent Chico shoots down the door and then goes into his “I’m only trying to help Jack” routine. I noticed the Ugly Friend has on a wedding ring. Keep positive thoughts, men, if a guy that looks like that can get a woman, anyone can.

Back at the UN, the Hot Daughter tells Mrs.President Poofy Hair that the reporter chick was trying to get a hold of her. Like the good smoking Hot Daughter that she is, she explains the Russians were behind the killing of President Poofy Hair. Of course, Mrs. President Poofy Hair is shocked, so she confronts our President Woman, whom she has given a fancy fountain pen. The country is under a zillion gallons of oil, and all she is can give is a pen?

Our President Woman gets all in her face, girl. You know, what?! You just go ahead and not sign and I’ll get the all the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, Security Guard and Paul Blart, Mall Cop to come and make your little IRK a parking lot. I was actually kind of proud of her because lately she’s been kind of weepy. This not my line, but someone said that she grew a pair of ovaries.

Jack gets into the building across the street by beating up President Logan’s creepy aide. He also gets him to suture him up (from the stabbing last hour) without any anesthesia, a little 24 homage to Road House before Jack scares the feces out of him. Finally, Jack does what Jack does best: he hits him over the head with a Jack Whack.

Jack sets up his sniper machine and then sets up this video of him explaining to his dumb daughter what happened. He mentions all of the people that died, “including Agent Renee Walker, who I did the Tulsa Tango with”. It is on one of those little digital doohickeys. 15 years ago, it would have been on a VHS tape.

Chloe finds Jack and tries to talk some sense into him. Jack would have none of that and gives Chloe the Knock out Choke Hold. He calls President Logan, who looks like he is doing Pilates. He asks him to get the Russian President in so he can kill both of them at one time.

Chloe awakens from her slumber and uses logic to convince Jack not to kill the Russian President. So Jack comes up with a neat idea: shoot me instead. Chloe shoots Jack as the CTU SWAT forces comes in the door. Somehow, she manages to miss all vital organs and bones. President Logan’s Creepy Aide comes in to interrogate Jack. Jack mumbles. The aide bends down closer and Jack becomes, in the words of Dave Berry: JACKULA (which would make a good name for a band). Jack does a Mike Tyson on this guy’s ear that for me is the highlight of this year’s TV season.

Somehow, amidst all of this pain this aide gets Jack’s last will and testament and takes over to President Logan. Logan, like the retard he is, takes it to President Woman who is getting all emotional. President Woman watches and, as we Baptists would say, becomes convicted.

At the signing ceremony, President Mrs.Poofy Hair signs the Peace Agreement. So does the Russian. President Woman announces that the Peace Process is over and gets all dramatic for the Emmy voters.

Watching in his suite, President Logan and his creepy one eared aide are watching this. They both realize that the jig is up. President Logan kills the aide, who, lets face it, had a terrible day at work. Logan turns the gun on himself.

Before all of this, President Logan convinced President Woman to kill Jack. Now President Woman, fickle is your name, decides not to kill Jack. But the Kill Jack Squad has already found Jack and took him to the only secluded spot in Manhattan to kill him. President Woman advises the head goon not to kill Jack. Jack is spared. President Woman tells Jack that the Russians will be after, presumably in the summer of 2012 at theatres near you. Jack tells Chloe thanks for all of the downloads and the perimeters that didn’t work and he runs off for the future (or the bathroom- it was hard to tell), after being shot twice, stabbed twice, beaten, and electrocuted.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Real Time 24 Recap

Hour “1:00PM-2:00PM” was probably the best 24 EVER.

When we last left Jack Bauer, he had performed a SIMectomy on the Russian Bad Guy that killed Agent Freckles. Turns out the dearly departed had recently called former President Milhous Logan. Jack, using his laser like logic, realizes that the conspiracy to kill his hot girlfriend reaches up to the highest levels of government.

He takes the Lady Reporter and his Ugly Friend out for a natural work team meeting outside. The Ugly Friend goes back to his apartment because it has an awesome stereo. Jack tells the Lady Reporter that he wants her to break the story even though they only have one source and at the NEW YORK HONKIN’ TIMES, you apparently need forty sources to publish a story about a certain former Vice Presidential nominee that was cattin’ around on his terminally ill wife. No worries; they can publish the story in three hours if she can just talk to her editor. Jack throws away her phone and tells her to use a pay phone. Whoa, 24 just entered the area of science fiction: when was the last time you saw a pay phone?

Back at the UN, President Woman and Mrs. President Poofy Hair are finally working at the details for the Peace that passes all understanding. President Logan is in another office watching FOX News and trying on a snazzy red tie. He gets a phone call from his aide stating that the Hit Man is really in a bad way due to Jack and his craving set. Logan slithers his way to President Woman and tells her that everything is okay except Jack Bauer has a tape that will probably lead to her impeachment. President Woman, using all of the great acting ability that earned her an Emmy, looks like she is holding in really bad gas. It turns out, the Peace Process has given her a headache like the rest of us.

Over at CTU, they see Jack’s handiwork. Arlo tells Chloe that Jack got the bad guy to ‘spill his guts’, ha-ha, but seriously, Chloe wants to help Jack but what can she do since she is wearing this weird looking dress with the shear sleeves? Chloe comes up with a plan to spring Agent Chico out of his cell so they can go looking for Jack. Still, no one smells the dead probation officer The Not That Hot Tech killed and stuffed in an out take duct about eight hours before.

President Logan begins to head to the airport to meet the Russian leader, Mr. Big. Little does he know that Jack’s Ugly Friend downloaded the former President’s motorcade to Jack’s I-Phone. Fortunately, Jack updated his status on Facebook (“It’s a good day for killing. Oh yeah, I hate John Mayer”) before he put on this incredible body armor that enable anyone, even me, to look cool whacking people.

Jack stops the motorcade, kidnaps Logan and gets Logan to squeal like a little pig. Of course, Logan tells Jack it was the Russian ambassador. Then Jack does his patented Jack Bauer “Knock out Head Lock”.

To make a long story short, Jack does his own special Feng Shui with the Russians. However, he gets cut in the end and his bleeding. Logan tells Mr. Big that Jack is wounded, which of course, means nothing.

Next week the last 24 ever!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

You Are There

If MSNBC Reported on The Attack On Pearl Harbor

Today, December 7, 1941, the island paradise of Hawaii was raided by what some consider to be a surprise attack by the Empire of Japan.

However, it was not confirmed at press time that it was the Japanese Air Force that bombed the American Naval Forces at Pearl Harbor.

MSNBC reporter Contessa Brewer says, “We can only hope it was not the Japanese. We would prefer that it would have been an American attack on an American naval fleet. Actually, if it could be a bunch of Southerners coming back from a tent revival meeting--it would make my day”.

Details of the attack are scarce, but initial reports says that bombers and torpedo carrying planes from what could have possibly might have been Japan, targeted warships, aircraft and military installations.

News of the daring raid shocked President Franklin Delano Obama who urged calm and advised everyone not to jump to any hasty conclusions that might cause people to think unkind thoughts about another person in the solar system. He announced he would be forming a task force to look into the matter after he finishes his next two rounds of golf.

“Whatever happened in Hawaii today will not derail the focus of this administration: Green Technology”, said the President in a written statement.

At 7:55 local time, the first wave by what appears to be Viking airplanes struck the naval base for 35 minutes causing several fires and a lot of “problems” to the Pacific Fleet.

The second wave by the unconfirmed at press time New Zealand air force followed at 9:00 with anywhere from 2 to 100 planes which pounded Hickman Army Air Field for an hour.

Officials announced 350 men were killed by one single bomb at Hickman, but that might be an inflated figure given the events of the day.

The reasons for the attack are numerous. As analyst Keith Olbermann says, “Whoever did this, was probably out of work, worried about their healthcare. Or it was former President Hebert Walker Hoover’s fault.”

As for the political fallout, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews notes that Americans also hate people that are different than they are and that’s why they want to blame the Japanese. “Americans are bad at math, too, so they are jealous of Japan”

“Besides, it could have been anybody. Anyone can draw a picture of the sun on the side of an airplane.”

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Real Time '24' Recap

Hour “12:00AM-1:00PM” answered this pressing question: let’s say, someone killed your hot girlfriend after you and her did the Boise Bongo and that someone swallowed a sim card, would it work in a cell phone after you cut it out of their stomach?

Last week, Jack killed The Not That Hot Tech and the whole world rejoiced. This week, finds the crack NYPD leading Agent Chico to her body. He seems like he is beginning to doubt that Jack is all about exposing the conspiracy. Instead, it seems Jack just wants to kill everybody. In a way, both views are right.

Meanwhile, Jack is in a taxi watching the video of The Not That Hot Tech and the Guy That Killed Renee. Mostly it is The Not That Hot Tech whining about not getting the coveted “Mole of the Year” award and the Guy That Killed Renee talking about how he needs to “keel everyone, especially Moose and Squirrel”.

The taxi takes Jack to his Ugly Friend’s apartment where Jack explains he needs help in killing people. Since his friend apparently has nothing better to do than to sit around listening to police scanners, he identifies Renee’s killer: Boris Badenov.

Jack calls the reporter who appeared in the first hour that had a thing going on with President Poofy-Hair. Someone tells the reporter to pick up “line 3”. When was the last time you heard anybody say that? Jack tells her about this super duper video that is going to blow the lid off of whatever the lid was on. She agrees to meet him at a coffee shop that is in a local nearby mall which is only ten minutes away.

CTU has picked up this information and the Creepy Aide of President Logan alerts Boris, Mr. Big, President Logan, FOX NEWS, and Larry King that Jack and this reporter are going to be at the mall getting a little latte. Of course, this means Boris and his henchman will have to “Keel Jack”.

Meanwhile, Chloe and Arlo are trying to help Jack while keeping their jobs. Chloe has years of experience in doing this. I still think Arlo has transferred his lust from The Not That Hot Tech (she too dead, man) to Chloe not realizing that this is the way Chloe looks all the time.

Chloe confronts Agent Chico about Jack. Agent Chico gets all preachy about no rights and wrong like William Sloane Coffin on “Firing Line” ( I sold the following sentence to Dennis Miller for five bucks.) Chloe realizes Agent Chico is no help at all and goes back out to face Arlo and his raging nerd hormones.

At the Mall, the bad Russians try to “keel Jack”, but this is a force of nature they are dealing with and Jack ends up killing them, ruining Macy’s One Day Sale. (“I love this blouse, but ewwwwwwwww”). Boris tries to “keel Jack” but Jack’s Ugly Friend stops him.

Soon Jack, Boris, the reporter, and the Ugly Friend find a convenient empty building so Jack can beat whatever fecal matter might be in Boris.

I’ll give one thing for Boris: he can take a licking. Jack peels Boris skin off with a pair a pliers (or as my dad called them: “plauers”). Then Jack squirted what was either lemon juice or salt water into the wounds. More beating. Boris isn’t talking. Finally Jack realizes that he could use Boris’ cell phone. One problem: no sim card. Boris has swallowed it. Jack performs an emergency Simectomy, wipes off the Russian stomach acid, and plugs it into the phone and hits re-dial. It goes to the phone of former President Milhous Logan!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Real Time 24 Recap

Hour “10:00AM-11:00AM” was probably one of the dullest 24 ever despite that fact Jack stole a helicopter and flew around Manhattan for about forty seconds. President Woman had her hourly angst. Ethan quit. Former President Logan stayed. They put a bag on The Not That Hot Tech which proves some woman do look better with bags on their head.

It also featured the Jack Bauer debating process. Someone raises a legitimate question. Response: yell at the person.

This week’s hour, 11:00AM-12PM, made last week seem like the snooze fest it was. Fortunately, President Woman was not in too much of this episode, worrying over her Peace Process like anyone gives a wooden nickel about it. “Nashville’s under water, Madame President”. “Gee, that’s too bad; I hope this doesn’t derail the Peace Process”. President Woman is at a joint news conference with President Ms Poofy Hair. Boy, it didn’t take her too long to get over the loss of her husband.

Meanwhile, at the super secret hide out location, D.B Sweeney is water boarding The Not That Hot Tech. First reaction: this is what Keith Olbermann was having guppies about? Water torture by ladle? Of course, The Not That Hot Tech would rather feel like she’s drowning than spill the beans about the Russians.

Jack and Agent Chico have found the super secret hide out and Jack proceeds to kill everybody, including D.B Sweeney. They drag The Not That Hot Tech out into the street and drive away.

While all of this is happening, Arlo manages to stop staring at Chloe’s bosoms long enough to mention that Jack had locked down all of the other minor CTU characters and is now on the loose.

Former President Logan calls President Woman during the joint news conference to offer is his jerky aide to run the project of finding Jack Bauer. President Woman agrees and soon the aide and this really dumb blonde are at CTU to run the operation of finding Jack. Like all people who come into CTU, he is actually dumber than anyone at CTU. Chloe does not look too pleased, I think. It is kind of hard to tell with Chloe

Jack, Chico and The Not That Hot Tech are having a calm discussion about what Jack wants. Jack wants video evidence of the Russian involvement. The Not That Tech thinks Jack just wants to kill people. In a way, they both are right. Jack pulls the car over to a seclude spot in Manhattan where he can shove a gun into The Not That Hot Tech throats and use his soft sell, (‘I’M COUNTING BACKWARDS FROM THREE….”) to persuade her to tell her where the video evidence is kept.

As luck would have it, it is in a safety deposit box in a bank just minutes away. Jack takes them there and the formerly happy couple go in to open the safety deposit box.

The safety deposit box has a gun and an explosive that knocked out Agent Chico. The bank executive walks in and The Not That Hot Tech shoots him. She then calls the police to rat on Jack. Jack gets stopped by the police, but he shoots them in the foot as The Not That Hot Tech runs off.

Jack chases her on feet and just at 11:59AM, manages to shoot her dead. There is no silent clock, just a loud rendition of “Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead”