Monday, December 26, 2011

2012 Election Headquarters

Here at Humor Me 2012 Election Headquarters, I and my staff (Gracie the Cat) have reviewed the upcoming 2012 Presidential election. We have come to two conclusions.

One conclusion is that Ron Paul supporters are everywhere. You could write a nice humorous bit about, oh, Christmas shopping and find your e-mail stuffed with e-mails from Ron Paul supporters about how great Ron Paul is.(How great? Answer: Ron Paul is very, very great.)

The second conclusion is that a majority of Ron Paul supporters can only type in CAPITAL LETTERS. Look at any message board about the 2012 campaign and you will find it clogged with Ron Paul supports stating: RON PAUL IS THE ONLY ONE THAT MAKES SENSE! ROMNEY IS A CHINESE COMMUNIST. NEWT GINGRICH WEARS A BRA. SO DOES MICHELE BACHMANN. OH MAN I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT MICHELE BACHMANN IN A WONDER WOMEN OUTFIT. WAIT… ONLY RON PAUL CAN SAVE US. PRAY EVERY NIGHT TO RON PAUL AND MAYBE HE WILL HAVE MERCY ON US AND TELL US ONCE AGAIN ABOUT THE FEDERAL RESERVE.

It is getting around to crunch time for the 2012 election. President Obama, after spending years lecturing us about the need to be civil has apparently decided to go all Karl Rove on the national rear end. The theme for the President’s re-election is VOTE OBAMA AND NOBODY GETS HURT. Four years ago this guy was all Skittles, Rainbows, and Unicorns. Now, he’s warning about giving the keys back to the people that got us into this ditch which he was supposed to tow us out of but it turns out that this economy thing is real complicated. The answer to all our economic woes: tax millionaires and billionaires, starting with families that make two hundred and fifty thousand a year.

There are two individuals leading in the GOP race. One is Willard Mittford (“Mitt”) Romney. The other is anybody else. First it was Tim Pawlenty, who got out when he discovered that Presidential candidates have to answer questions. Then it was Michele Bachmann, who believes an injection can instantly turn a human being retarded. Then it was Rick Perry, who turns out was retarded. Then it was Herman Cain who had 9-9-9 problems and the chick ain't one. Now it is Newt Gingrich or Ron Paul, depending on who you ask. Gingrich’s motto is “Hey, I’m Fundamentally A Different Guy Now”. He has couple of problems: 1) Everybody hates him and 2) Nobody likes him.

Here at Humor Me Political Headquarters, Gracie and I have concluded that the GOP nominee will be either Romney or somebody else. For some odd reason, Romney is not generating any buzz. Maybe it is all of those bumper stickers that read: Romney: Might as Well and Romney, I Guess.

Romney got a huge boast the other day when First President George Bush (aka: George Herbert Walker Winslow Nelson Bush) gave a sort of/kind of endorsement that only a Bush could give. “This Romney guy just might work out, I suppose”. First President Bush went on to describe that he thinks Newt Gingrich is a “Doo-Doo Head” despite being a “swell guy”.

The Iowa Caucuses are only a week away and you can count on us here at Humor Me 2012 Election Headquarters to keep you up to date with all of the latest news after we watch it on television and if there’s not a ball game on.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Gifts of Christmas Past

I was thinking about Christmas and all of the great presents I’ve received over the years.

When I was nine, my aunt gave me the twelve volume set of The American Heritage Book of The Presidents and Famous Americans. It started with Washington and went all the way to LBJ. Whenever I was bored I would pick up one of those books and read it. I knew more about James Garfield than any Fourth grader should know.

In January of 2013, someone, out of the blue, gave me this 12 volume set. Thanks
         

I liked getting electronics for Christmas. I always liked the smell of a new tape recorder or radio. Once, one of my brothers got a small reel to reel tape recorder and we all celebrated the birth of our Lord by burping into a small microphone and playing it back. That was the year Santa left us a race car track half finished and a note that said: “Get your daddy to finish putting this together”.

When our son, Ben, was around two years old, Santa decided to bring him a Cozy Coupe. If you’ve been near small kids at all in the past thirty years, you’ve seen this. It has wheels and looks like a Smart car.


This particular year, Santa decided to send one of his elves down to put the Cozy Coupe together while Ben was off with his mother somewhere. Unfortunately Santa sent one of his less mechanically inclined elves who took literal hours to put together this toy that should ordinarily take around 15 minutes to assemble. This elf was so distraught he left the toy business and went into medical insurance claims.

Christmas morning came and the Cozy Coupe was center stage into the front of the tree. Lori and I waited to see the joy on the face of our son-who, when he saw the tree ran straight to a $2.00 toy saxophone Santa got on sale at a drug store.

My favorite present story involves my parents. If there were two people less alike when it came to buying presents it was my mother and father.

My mother was one of those people that would finish her Christmas shopping in September because she hated the crowds at the store. One year, it was just me and her at home watching “Welcome Back, Kotter”. After the hilarity of “up your nose with a rubber hose”, a commercial came on about a new product known as The Shower Massage.

This is what going to high school was like in the 1970's



The Shower Massage was a shower head that would turn your regular shower into a “pulsating…incredible satisfying high performance shower experience” (from their current website). Also, if it is not set right, it can turn a bass into a soprano, if you catch my drift.

My mother announced, “I’m going to get that for your Dad”. Then a few days later she stopped at the K-Mart across from the Big Chicken (In Marietta, we have a Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant that is in the shape of a big chicken. We are so proud of it) and bought The Shower Massage. It may have been October.


Fast forward to the day after Thanksgiving. Mom let me take the car out so I could do a little Christmas shopping. However, before I left the house, my brother told me to stop by my Dad’s office and ask for some money to eat to lunch. A boy could work up a mighty strong hunger shopping for Christmas presents.

I stopped by Dad’s office and Old Man Manis was excited. He wanted to show me what he got Mom for Christmas. Dad had one huge flaw: he could not buy a present if his life depended on it. He told me, “Boy (He called me Alan approximately five times in my life. Most of the time it was Boy, Bud, or Son.) Look what I got your Momma”. He showed me a bag that had inside it: a Shower Massage.

I was trapped in an ethical dilemma. Whose Christmas to ruin? My Mom hated to go out into the Christmas shopping frenzy, at K-Mart, and I’m not too sure she really wanted a shower massage in the first place. My Dad was so proud of his gift. It was a real accomplishment in his eyes and I didn’t want to disappoint him. Plus, when it came to keeping secrets, my Dad couldn’t hold ice water. He would open his present and exclaim that Boy-Bud-Son-Alan (pick one) told him about it and then I would have to deal with my mother again.

Or: I could not say anything and watch the circus. I decided that would be the most fun.

Well, the big day came and I gave Mom and Dad their presents to each other (as the youngest, my job was to deliver presents). When Dad opened his present, he was totally confused. “Wait, what…this is your momma’s present!” (Although he opened a present that was not in the same wrapping paper as the one he had wrapped for Mom and the tag from Mom to him, somehow the presents got switched.) This mystery was solved when Mom opened her present and saw she got a Shower Massage too. Witnessing that became the gift that just kept on giving because I’ve thought about it every Christmas since 1975.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Rudolph Recap

In case you have missed this Christmas special that has appeared on television every year since 1964, here is the recap of “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”.



Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is a kind of/sort of puppet cartoon show based on the Christmas song that I once sang in Latin in high school. “Rudolphus rubrinasus fulgentissimo naso, vidisti et si eum dicas candere Ah, the memories of high school. It took years of therapy and medication to get over it.

It begins with spinning headlines of newspapers informing us that the weather is bad. Then we meet Sam the Snowman. He acts surprised that you have never seen a talking snowman with a goatee who plays the banjo and wears a vest but no pants. He begins telling a long story about how they almost had to cancel Christmas.

Why does he wear a hat? Wouldn't that make him warm?
           

As a kid, the idea of someone canceling Christmas ranked right up there with nuclear war as the worst possible thing that could happen. So Sam the Talking Goateed Snowman had our attention.

It seems Donner, Santa’s lead reindeer and Mrs. Donner had a baby buck. They named him Rudolph because they liked the name and they sent him to the finest school in town. Soon, they noticed his red nose and that “it glows”. Today, this would have meant Rudolph was “special”. Back in the 60’s, it just meant that it was another thing to hide from the neighbors, like Donner’s gambling habit.


The Shame of the Light Bulb Nose
                                      
Santa drops by to see the brand new baby and of course, he reinforces their prejudice against red noses, like it has anything to do with pulling a sleigh. Santa breaks out into a song about being the “king of jingle-ling”. This Santa is very self absorbed.


We are then introduced to a weird elf named Hermey who wants to become a dentist because “he doesn’t like being an elf”. This was the start of the Occupy North Pole movement. Anyway, Hermey decides to runaway from Christmas Town instead of doing what most elves would do: file a compliant with the Elf Union.

Just build a toy, hippie!
                           
Donner puts a fake nose on Rudolph for Santa Sleigh try outs and perhaps have Rudolph invited to fly on a “travel team”. Coach Comet comes out with hat and whistle on making you wonder how he put on a hat and a whistle. Rudolph catches the eye of a striking doe named Clarice who has a bow on her head. She tells Rudolph that she thinks he is cute and Rudolph starts flying around. In the midst of the celebrating the great flying with a blond headed reindeer dude named Fireball, the fake nose pops off and Rudolph is cut from the team. Rudolph decides to runaway from home instead of doing what most reindeer would do: file a lawsuit against Coach Comet and Santa for discrimination.


Clarice is pretty hot for a reindeer
                

This reminds me of my PE coach in Junior High School
                   
Rudolph and Hermey meet up. Neither understands the other but like all freaks, they decide to hang out together. Soon they meet up with the most annoying character in the show, Yukon Cornelius, a prospector who has a poodle in his dog sled team. They are soon confronted with the most terrifying creature in television history: THE SECOND TERM OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA. My mistake, it was the Abominable Snowman. The guys flee the attacking Abominable and make their way to The Island of Misfit Toys. The toys include a “Dolly for Sue”, whose problem is psychological. Just what we need: toys with issues.



            


I hid under my bed every time The Abominable come on from 1964 to 1987.


"I want the government to force my Catholic Law School to pay for my contraceptives."


The Island of Misfit Toys is ruled by King Moonracer, a lion with wings. He searches the world over for unwanted toys and brings them to his island. The toys just sit around and complain. It is an island full of liberal arts majors.

There was a lot of dialogue about "The Man" in this scene.

King Moonracer does not allow Rudolph and company to stay because the Island is just for toys. Rudolph is now the victim of reverse discrimination. He asks Rudolph to tell Santa about the island and to find home for the unwanted toys. If I was Rudolph I would have told him to fly over to Santa's house and ask him yourself


King Moonracer, in all of his regal wisdom, allows Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon to spend the night. Rudolph decides to run away, again, because he is afraid that the Abominable will capture and eat them because of his nose. It is always about you, Rudolph.

Clarice, Donner, and Mrs. Donner have a journey of their own: convincing Nancy Grace they had nothing to do with the disappearance of Rudolph. They soon begin their own search for Rudolph, just about the time Rudolph, who has become a Man Reindeer, shows up at his home cave. (Clarice has become a Woman Reindeer, sporting a matching bra with her bow). Of course, Rudolph runs into Santa Claus, who lays a big old guilt trip on Rudolph without mentioning that he helped reinforce that anti-red nose culture in Christmas Town in the first place.

Rudolph knows where to find Clarice and his folks because he sent Clarice a text from his iPhone that said "Whre R U ?". Her reply: "N cave w/UR flks . Donner has very bad gas. OMG, almost forgot, The Abominable is going to eat us". The Abominable hits Rudolph over the head with a rock. Then out of nowhere, Hermey and Yukon show up with a plan that involves pigs, removal of teeth and falling off of cliffs. When they realize Yukon has gone off the cliff with the Abominable, the reindeer bow their head in thanksgiving that these two creatures have suffered a very much deserved death. Unfortunately, that did not happen because of a little known law of physics called "Bumble Bounce".




Soon everyone is back at Christmas Town. Rudolph informs Santa about the loser toys. Santa gets a weather report. Christmas is canceled. But wait, Rudolph has a red nose! Christmas is saved! Yay! Everyone joins in singing “Holly Jolly Christmas”.(Raise your hand if you have ever sung these words: "Have a holly jolly Christmas. It's the best time. I don't know if they'll be snow, but let's go grab a beer.") Rudolph and the other eight reindeer take Santa to the Island of Misfit Toys. The toys jump in the sleigh. While flying high, an elf gives the misfit toys an umbrella and the toys jump out of the sleigh. These toys are so misfit, Santa cannot bring them to you. No, he just throws them out of the sleigh. If you find a toy in your yard this Christmas, you know where they are from.