Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Culture Chiggers

I have been putting together a compilation of what I consider to be the "best" of Humor Me, as if that isn't the ultimate in oxymorons.

This is all part of my attempt to become a famous writer, or at least a writer that makes some money off of what he writes.

As I was going over my posts, I realized that I wasn't as political or as active in taking a stand on the hot issues of the day. There is a reason for this:  I am tired.

Seriously, I have had a death, a wedding, and a book this spring, so I'm pretty bushed. But there are somethings that have bothered me and I haven't commented on because I really didn't want to go through the hassle of defending them.

Take for example Bruce Call Me Caitlyn Jenner.  This has become a Culture Wars  Rorschach.  If you call Jenner "Caitlyn", you are a fine human tolerant human being. If you call Jenner, "Bruce", you are Adolph Hitler.

Conservatives are always blasted about "settled science", especially in regards to "Climate Change". I'm not a scientist, but when the sperm fertilizes the egg, it brings a x or y chromosome. That's settled science. Those two chromosomes determine the gender of the person. That's settled science.

True, there are some anomalies. There are woman born with  male genitalia and men born with female genitalia. (I'm surprised there was never a band called "Genitalia".) However, there are never males born with male genitalia that are really women.  Particularly when they are sixty-five years old and have fathered 6 children. This makes the person a male. That is settled science.

Now, if he wants to spend his hard earned money and "become a woman", that's his business. Live and let live is always a good philosophy. Just don't expect me to throw him a parade.

But that's not enough in today's society. No, we MUST throw him a parade. In fact, you are not even allowed to ponder the notion that perhaps since he (at least for now) has kept his original equipment and this journey just happens to be part of a reality show that just maybe this is an elaborate charade.

No, The cool kids at the cool table have determine that WE ALL MUST celebrate Jenner's new life. One tweet on Twitter said, "If you mistakenly called Caitlyn 'he' - fix it! If not shut the F---up!". Ah, our tolerant of everybody's views millennials. At least the tweet  gave us the chance to correct our grievous error of calling a person with a wiener (settled scientific name) a "he" before the order from on high to shut up the F---. (Like it was ever opened in the first place.)

There was one message board that automatically turned the "he"s into "she"s  and the "Bruce"s into "Caitlyn"s. Really.

It is all so tiresome and so worthless. It reminds me of chiggers, which are little red bugs here in the South that can burrow under your skin and make you scratch. They won't kill you, but they are pain in the neck.

There are a million and one culture chiggers these days.Each one demand an immediate opinion and if it is wrong, the order from the cool kids is to shut up. Like it and lump it. Celebrate it and mean it.

That's why a lot of us have kind of pulled back a little. It just gets tiring trying to explain the obvious, like a why a person that has fathered six children is a man.

We're not retreating, we're just regrouping, hoping you guys find something else to do.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Another Groom

As I have said before, I take pains in not being too personal in Humor Me.

I have written about subjects near and dear to my heart, but I generally don't write real personal stuff, mainly because I'm fairly sure not a lot of people would be interested.

However, we have just completed a weekend that my wife and I have been looking forward to since January 15, 1991: The day our son gets married and leaves the house.

Our son, Ben, married his long time girl friend on June 6 (D-Day!) in Fayetteville, Georgia.

When my son was growing up, I gave him some instructions on what to look for in a future wife. I told him to look for someone smart and for someone attractive because we have plenty of the other kind in the family. I also advised to him to try to marry someone with a little height.

Ever the compliant child, my son did just that--and then some! She is a former runway model and she graduated Cum Laude from Georgia Southern University. She is also tall. She's says she is 5'11", I think she might be 6"0'.

For those of you that are planning a family, I would advise you to try-no make that PRAY- that you have a son.  Tradition has the bride's family responsible for the expenses of the wedding. Years ago, this wasn't that bad.

However, now weddings can cost anywhere from 1 MILLION DOLLARS to 20 TRILLION DOLLARS, depending if there is an open bar. My advice: burn down your house and collect the insurance money. You might want to burn down your neighbor's house and collect their insurance money, too. It is your only hope.

I know of some weddings where the parents forked out a considerable amount of money for their daughters' weddings only to have the marriage not make it past the two year mark. In fact, I can think of two that barely lasted six months. There ought to be some sort of prenuptial agreement that if Mom and Dad are going to spend 5 Billion Dollars on a wedding which includes doves flying out of the bride's dress, the couple must spend a minimum of five years together.

I am happy to report that my daughter in law and her family were budget conscious and did not go overboard. The bride had three bridesmaids: her sisters.  Her mother made the bridesmaids' dresses and the mother of the bride dress. The bride wore her grandmother's wedding dress. It was all very, very beautiful.

The responsibilities of the Groom's side is this: The Rehearsal Dinner. Maybe we had to buy a flower or something in there somewhere. Basically my job as The Father of The Groom (TFOTG) ended when I created a boy child. My responsibility was to sit back and watch.

I am also happy to report that The Rehearsal Dinner went off without a hitch. I'm not quite sure what we spent on it, but, whatever it was, it was well worth it. We invited my best friend, Wakko Wade and his wife Daffi Di to it and we had a grand time. I got to sit with the Pastor that was marrying the Bride and Groom. He's a Southern Baptist Pastor from Wales, of all places, which gave the event a neat little United Kingdom flavor.

On the day of the wedding, my son was nervous, of course. We met in a holding room before it was time to start the proceedings. The groomsmen all prayed for my son and his new wife. The pastor also prayed for the new couple. When it was over, I left to go find my wife because I had to walk in behind her, which was my other duty. Half way up, I turned around and went back because I realized I didn't say goodbye to my son. I walked back and said these words to him, which I'm sure will stay with him for the rest of his life: "Um, I'm going to find your momma. See you up front."

I found my wife in the Bride's room. The Bride was nervous as well. Then her mom wanted to pray a blessing over the bride.  Let me tell you: it was a blessing of Biblical proportions. It was absolutely one of the sweetest prayers I have ever witnessed. It caused all three bridesmaids to burst into tears. I stood there thinking my blessing for the groom was "See you up front" .

The ceremony went off without a hitch. When they got engaged, I gave the happy couple this bit of wisdom: It will all work out.  It did.

The Father of The Bride arranged a little surprise for the happy couple to leave the church. He had someone drive the new Mr. and Mrs. Manis off in a classic 1936 Packard convertible. The old Mr. and Mrs. Manis followed in a 1937 Packard.  He and his wife followed in a motorcycle. He wore a vest that read:  And Then There Were Three.

Of all of the things my son has done: school, sports, music, etc, this wedding was the one thing I never worried about. I knew she was the one for him. The wedding ceremony just confirmed it.