Tuesday, May 27, 2014

24 Recap Hour 5

Previously on "24": Jack is in the Embassy and finds Tanner. He takes a computer thing that proves Tanner had nothing to do with the Drone strike. Jack goes to the Communications Room of the Embassy and takes hostages, but not really. Julia Roberts' Other Old Boyfriend calls and tells Mr.Audrey that Jack is back but this time with hostages. The President finishes his speech to Parliament by stating "And that's why I went with State Farm". The Terrorist Weenie wants to leave the terrorist game. Mommie Dearest objects and cuts off NAHR's fingers. President Goldline calls Jack to ask him if he has "Prince Albert in a can".  The Hot CIA Agent  (HCA)  uses her hawtness for good and somehow saves Jack's life.

The Marine in charge is all Semper Fi with HCA because he wanted to kill Jack. He is going to write a real bad report and maybe send out a snarky Tweet about it.  He asks Jack about the Tanner do-hickey.  Jack gives him the Jack Bauer glare and begins to wiggle around a lot. This is a patented Jack Bauer distraction move because HCA has the Tanner do-hickey.  She walks off and calls Chloe who tells her to find a computer with a 4G network, preferably AT&T U-verse (which is what this recapper has)

New Jack finds HCA and they begin a pointless conversation about finding proof that Jack Bauer is right. HCA starts up the computer, which just happens to be 4G and sure enough, Bauer was right. What were the odds?  She calls her boss, Julia Roberts' Other Old Boyfriend, and gives him the news. They have to run it through the proper channels (the guy at the desk next to HCA's ) Yep, Jack Bauer was right!

Meanwhile, at Nine Finger Manor, Mommie Dearest sort of apologizes to NAHR for having chopped off her finger.  Hey, sometimes a parent has to make a tough call like cutting off a kid's useless appendage. She'll understand one of these days when she has little terrorists of her own. Mommie Dearest then goes and scares the urine out of The Terrorist Weenie who won't make it to next week, if you catch my drift.

Back at The London White House, President Goldline hears the surprising news that Jack Bauer was right, once again, if you can believe it.  Soon it becomes apparent that he better talk to Prime Minister Bigchin so he can alert the British that they'll soon have the opportunity to show the world the stiff upper lip they're always bragging about. He also wants to meet with Jack to see if Jack can help.

Of course, by simply being the First Daughter, this means Audrey can sit in at any high level security meeting she wants and she almost squeals when she hears that Jack Bauer will soon be there. Mr.Audrey has a super secret meeting with Audrey in which he reminds her that his shoe size is much larger than Jack's, who has obviously been over compensating all of his life.

When HCA gets back to CIA headquarters, Julia Roberts' Other Old Boyfriend tells her, for the twelfth  time in 5 hours, that she is being taken "off the roster", whatever that means. Soon, the whole world is treated to a video of Mommie Dearest threatening a drone attack on London unless she is paid "ONE MILLION DOLLARS"  or  have the United States give President Goldline to her. Either one, you know, whatever, throw me a fricken bone people. Like all politicians, she invokes "the children" because a couple of kids were used as human shields when her husband got whacked by a drone.

Explaining A Joke. Again.

Jack arrives at The London White House. President Goldline asks Jack if he can help.  Sure says Jack. He knows a guy that knows a guy and this guy is a mean motor scooter and a bad go getter. He's stayed at all of the worst prisons in the world and even worked in health insurance. Jack wants to go find him but President Goldline thinks that will make the Russians mad and which somehow is worse that London being blown up.

At Nine Finger Manor, Mommie Dearest says the word "shezshulde" for "schedule", just to prove to the world that she is British. She has to kill The Terrorist Weenie because he gave a clue to their hideout, but Mommie Dearest is way too smart for that. She has another IP address loaded in the video. This causes the CIA to go to the wrong house. HCA realizes that the CIA is going to the wrong house and tries to warn New Jack and Julia Roberts' Other Old Boyfriend, but not before a drone blows up the wrong house!

Audrey, "accidentally" walks into the room Jack is in and it is the awkward moment of this crisis.

Audrey: "Oh, hey, Jack, I didn't know you were being held in this room". 

Jack: "What's up?" 

Audrey: "Not much. Daddy's President. I got married. So, are you still shooting thighs and setting up perimeters?"

Soon, it gets all mushy with Jack telling her she shouldn't be seen with him. Plus, he tells her that there are surgeons that can help with her, um "condition." Jack then has an hallucination and sees Bert Cooper singing "The Best Things In Life Are Free".

 I Knew Bert Was Too Classy For The 70's

Discussion Questions.

1) For the second week in a row, Jack didn't do much in this episode. Is Jack slowing down?

2) Wouldn't "Julia Roberts' Other Old Boyfriend" be a great name for a band?

3) Wasn't Dr. Evil a complete hoot?

4)  What does Jack see in Audrey? 

5) They have split the final season of "Mad Men" into two 7 episode seasons. That really blows chunks are far as I'm concerned. Care to comment?

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

24 Recap Hour Four

PREVIOUSLY ON 24:  Jack and Chloe chase the Not A Hot Russian (NAHR) but they lose track of her because Chloe has a human emotion like she is some sort of human being.  NAHR is working with her Mom, who is either a terrorist or an associate Pastor of a Presbyterian church.  NAHR has a brother who is a whiz working with "Devices" and a husband who is a weenie.  Mommie Dearest is also a major Perv that likes to watch her daughter do the South Carolina Lovey-Dovey with the Terrorist Weenie. Meanwhile, Mr. Audrey forges President Goldline's signature and Audrey still stays flat chested. President Goldline goes to Parliament and is shouted down by the genteel English. Jack and Chloe go back to Nerd Central and Jack utters the words we have been waiting for four years: "I need the schematics".  Jack goes to The U.S. Embassy, causes a riot by several random thigh shots. New Jack and the Hot CIA Agent (HCA) see Jack but Jack acts like he doesn't see them. 

Jack is now inside The Embassy for reasons this blog has forgotten. However, Jack made time to give a trained US Marine guard a Jack Hug which incapacitates the Marine, even though the guard is about twenty years younger than Jack. Chloe tells Jack what room Tanner is held in (Tanner is the patsy for the Drone bombing deaths of two British and two American Army officers). Jack makes it to the room and Tanner looks like the only person in the world that is not surprised Jack is there. Unfortunately, there is another guard there that Jack has to whack. Jack whacks the guard-gets Tanner's key thingy and lets Tanner know that he is the only person on Earth that believes his ridiculous story.

Jack escapes a battalion of Marines by running downstairs to find  the Communications Room so he can down load Tanner's whatchamacallit into a computer to prove that Tanner's drone was overtaken by a device created by the dead Georgia Tech grad.  Jack puts the thingamabob into the computer, but it is not downloading fast enough. Oh yeah, Jack has to hold all of the people in the Communications Room hostage. 

Meanwhile, Mommie Dearest checks in on the progress of the device and her son says it should be ready by the end of the episode if he doesn't take a potty break. The Terrorist Weenie and NAHR are enjoying a moment after the Memphis Mambo. The Weenie tells NAHR that he is going to give up the terrorist game and go into something with a little less death and destruction.  Of course, NAHR runs and tattles to her mother that her man crush (NAHR's, not Mommie Dearest's) is going to run off.

This does not please Mommie Dearest. She confronts The Terrorist Weenie. She offers him a chance to "be a big boy" and pilot the drones with the device that should be ready in by the end of the show. He decides this would be a good time to assert his manhood since he has all of this extra Testosterone from his Tuscaloosa Two-Step he was doing a few minutes ago. Mommie Dearest has some low level thugs  ("Low Level Thugs" would be a great name for a band) bring in NAHR and cuts off one of NAHR's fingers. This is the moment Twitter official broke. The Terrorist Weenie realizes that if Mommie Dearest would do that to her own daughter, there's no telling what she would cut off of his and he agrees to pilot the drone when the device is ready in the next episode.

President Goldline is finishing his speech to Parliament ("In conclusion, I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler") when Mr.Audrey receives a phone call from Benjamin Bratt advising that The Embassy is under siege and Jack Bauer has hostages. Mr. Audrey tells President Goldline and Audrey that BAUER IS BACK. Audrey swoons like she did when she saw The Bay City Rollers in Baltimore as a flat chested middle schooler.

Audrey is thrilled.

The President calls Jack and they have a nice little chit-chat about the cat video they saw on Facebook. Jack informs the President of this drone device. The President considers all of this information about a terrorist plot and asks Jack if he needs to diversify his portfolio with some gold. Jack refuses which causes the President to send in the Marines.

This was the exact moment my cable went out, but from other resources (Dave Barry), I've been able to piece together what happens after that. The Hot CIA Agent (HCA) gets into the Communications Room by a Air Conditioning  vent that is just big enough for a blonde with a rocking body. She has concluded Jack is right, mainly because she is the best looking woman in the country at the moment. As the Marines break down the Jack barricaded door, which is super douper triple barricaded by human standards., she throws herself over Jack so the Marines won't kill him.

Mommie Dearest's son (the child with all of his fingers) has finished working on the device and it will be up and running in the next hour. Maybe so will my cable.

Discussion Questions

1) Admit it, You sort of liked "Saturday Night" by The Bay City Rollers, didn't you?

2) There was a lot of Jack looking at a computer this week. What gives?

3) Would it hurt Chloe's rebel image to wipe off some of that eye make-up?

4) I'm thinking of changing NAHR's nickname to Fingers. Do you like it?

Monday, May 12, 2014

24 Recap Hour 3

Correction: In the first editions of Humor Me's 24 Recap Hours 1-2 Audrey Raines, Jack Bauer's  favorite flat chested ex-girlfriend was incorrectly identified as "Audra Raines". The reason for this is unclear, except that "Audra Raines" sounds even more flat chestier.  We regret the error and promise never to do it again. Maybe. There are no guarantees in life.

Last week we learned that Jack Bauer can only be caught if he wants to be caught. We learned that a chip is implanted in his hand. We learned that Chloe is now a rebel because she has black hair. We learned the United States elected a President that is really into gold. His daughter Audra Audrey has a flat chest and emotions. There are drones in the world that are really bad if they are key stroked by the wrong person.    

This week begins with Jack and Chloe running into the same pub as The Tech Grad and The Hot Russian. Because no one is in the pub, Jack runs to the bathroom, telling Chloe he needs to sell a man a horse. The Tech Grad is laying on the bathroom floor from his sweet love making gone terribly wrong. Jack threatens some toilets and tells them that they are getting in his way.

Jack runs out back and finds out that the Hot Russian was not a "true blonde". The Not A Hot Russian is now walking to the Subway station with "the device". The Jack Bauer Power Team of Jack Bauer and Chloe soon realize that The Not A Hot Russian (NAHR)  is heading north on the northbound subway.

Meanwhile, New Jack and The Hot CIA Agent (HCA) are questioning some nogoodniks Jack beat up last week. The mean one looks like he knows a lot, so The HCA strikes him with her gun despite orders from Benjamin Bratt who called to tell New Jack that he used to date Julia Roberts JUST LIKE SOMEONE ELSE ON THE SHOW.

Look Kiefer!

I Saw Her First

Jack hops on the Northbound subway heading north and sees NAHR. She sees Jack and cuts her thigh, presumably before Jack can shoot it. This causes a ruckus and  several people get  in Jack's way and NAHR escapes. But never fear: Chloe is at the Subway exit in the car with the steering wheel on the wrong side. Chloe is supposed to help, but she suddenly has an existential crisis. Jack is about a nano-second away from giving Chloe a cuss out and a thigh shot. Chloe reveals that both her husband and son were killed in a car accident after soccer practice. This explains why Chloe has turned all Goth on us. Chloe is crying which is not a good look for Chloe, especially with ten pounds of Goth makeup. Jack reveals that he does all of this "because he likes to help people". That and shooting people in the thighs.

Audrey's husband, Mr. Audrey is acting like a high class jerk. He forges the President's signature to order some more gold or perhaps to begin the process of a reverse mortgage. Audrey comes him and chews Mr. Audrey out about how he treated President Goldline a few minutes ago but it is all "blah, blah, blah" to him.

As Jack and Chloe are driving around London, they discover that the NAHR  is the daughter of  Mommie Dearest who is a radical Muslim that happens to look like an Episcopalian. The Scene switches when the NAHR meets up with Mommie Dearest at an Ye Olde English Garden. There we met her brother, who examines "the device" and says he can have it up and running in an episode or two. We also met the NAHR's husband, the Terrorist Weenie who is having all those second thoughts about killing people. He and NAHR do the London Limbo while Mommie Dearest watches from a hidden camera. On top of being a killer, Mommie is a perv!

Jack and Chloe make it back to Nerd Central, where everybody is talking about the drone strike. Jack is not hitting it off with the Head Nerd, who is even a bigger jerk than Mr. Audrey. Jack comes up with a plan to give President Goldline some super secret documents. It involves a new i.d. although it is possible that Jack is as recognizable as Paul McCartney. Jack asks for some schematics! Finally!

President Goldline goes to Parliament to apologize about a drone killing two British soldiers. He meets with Prime Minister Bigchin who explains that everybody is not jolly and to expect a lot of "what's all this then?" remarks. President Goldline begins his speech to Parliament and soon is drowned out by all of the "what's all this then?" from the crowd. President Goldline starts to hum "Tea For Two" and begins to tap dance like Johnny Carson.

New Jack and HCA arrive to at The Embassy to discover a huge protest  and  Jack Bauer waiting in line. The Head Nerd messes up the fake i.d. that causes a major problem. Jack doesn't have time for this, so  he beats up some random people and causes a bunch of protestors to storm the gates by shooting them in the thigh. Jack makes into the building, not stopped by the HCA's  incredible persuasive  "BAUER"  yells. She has a lot to learn.

Discussion Questions

1)  Did women ever really augment a certain feature of their bodies by toilet paper? This was a big topic in the lunchroom at East Cobb Junior High School in 1971-72. Extra credit if you name names.

2) Have you ever thought about a reverse mortgage?

3) Wouldn't it be great if  Jack asked for schematics like Dom Portwood asked for the TPS reports in "Office Space"?

4) Did you notice that Jack needs some rogaine?

5) Would "The Device" be a great name for a band? If not, why not?

6) Does it seem like The British speak another language besides English?

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

24 Recap

The Super Bowl is a game they play between the commercials and this year I wanted to see only one commercial

It was the commercial  for 24: Live Another Day the new 24 "light" series that will take place in 12 hours instead of 24. If they called it 12: Jack's Gotten Very Efficent, it probably wouldn't have generated that much buzz.

The Commercial showed the aftermath of a bombing in what looks like London. Here comes Jack Bauer, dragging a dark haired woman. HE'S DRAGGING CHLOE WHO HAS BEEN TO WALGREENS AND GOT A BOX OF CLAIROL NICE 'N EASY AND DYED HER HAIR. The commercial ended with Jack shooting at an unknown target (probably somebody's thighs) and since it is Jack, he punctuates it with a couple of yells.

This year's edition of  The Jack Bauer Hour of Power opens with a couple of Jack Wannabes, including the latest Jack Wannabe, New Jack, who is trying his best to be like Jack but he is just not psychotic enough. They find Jack, but he is wearing THE HOODIE OF DOOM, which makes him invincible. However, Jack lets them capture him and take him to CIA Headquarters, which is Hot Special Agent Central.  The hottest of the Hot Special Agents is Kate whose husband somehow got in with the Chinese and she didn't know about it because, geez, who wants to talk about work when they get home. However, she figures out that Jack wanted  to get captured, which totally tees off New Jack.

Before we learn why Jack wanted to get captured, we learn that Actor William Devane, who has played John Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Teddy Kennedy and Ethel Kennedy has taken time away from selling gold on Fox News to play The President of The United States, James Heller. (However, for the purpose of this recap he will always be referred to as President Goldline.)

Now, you long time 24 watchers know that President Goldline has a daughter, Audrey Raines, who was Jack's favorite flat chested girl friend. The last time Jack saw Audrey, she was catatonic mainly from hanging around Jack. Audra's new husband is President Goldline's Chief of Staff, Mark. Mark catches the President in some technical errors, like saying America has "58 states" and "that if you like your healthcare plan and doctor you can keep it". He tells Audrey about it and Audrey goes into immediate worry mode because that's about all she can do. However, he doesn't tell her about the capture of Jack Bauer because he knows she would immediately leave him to run into Jack's arms, even if Jack's arms are handcuffed behind him.

The show then kicks it into high gear with a drone killing four military officers, including two British officers, which could ruin President Goldline's meeting with Prime Minister Bigchin. Military justice moves very swiftly and soon a Patsy is found. On top of that, they examined his keystrokes, which proves his guilt. But of course, it doesn't because the keystrokes were controlled by some Georgia Tech grad that has a Hot Russian girl friend who always sounds like she is going to complain about "Moose and Squirrel".

This explains my previous joke.

Finally we get to see why Jack decided to get caught. Chole is on the "Special Activities" table (yeah, come on) and is receiving some chemical water boarding. New Jack tells Jack that he used to study him at Bauer University. He didn't study enough because Jack head butted and kicked everybody into tomorrow. Jack finally gets into see Chloe and sticks a hypodermic needle in her chest which wakes her up from a drug induced coma, although sometimes it is hard to tell when Chloe is awake and when she is asleep.

Jack tells Chloe that somebody wanted to murder President Goldline on foreign soil because that would start a World War. How and why this would start a World War he doesn't explain, but Jack is on a roll. Chloe has apparently left her husband and child to become a rouge computer hacker for reasons that are unclear except at Computer Hacker headquarters she would be considered a cougar.

Chloe worked with the Georgia Tech grad and takes Jack to where Georgia Tech grad should be (using his nerdness for evil). Jack kills about 100 people with two bullets. The Georgia Tech grad somehow escapes with the Hot Russian. Jack gets shot in the arm by the CIA but it doesn't hurt because he is Jack.  Jack then uses the old "look over there" trick and escapes from the CIA.

The Georgia Tech grad and the Hot Russian end up at a bar because the Georgia Tech grad wants to prove to the world that Tech men can get hot women. He excuses himself to the bathroom but the Hot Russian follows him in promising to do something that never happened on Bullwinkle. Instead of the sweet love making he was expecting, the Hot Russian stabs him in the ear. She leaves the bar, throws away her wig and it turns out she's not Russian, but she is British and she calls another British woman that is in charge who is Austin Powers, in drag baby, yeah!

Discussion Questions

1) Chloe's new hair: Yay or Nay? 

New Chloe

2) For a guy that is "off the grid", Jack had a lot of tattoos. Why is that?

3) Would it be difficult for Americans to elect a man with as big of chin as The British Prime Minister? Explain.

4) Jack confessed that he "has no friends". Besides always being in constant danger, why do you think that is? Is Jack going soft? Give three examples of how Jack could make new friends but do not list "first be a friend".

5) Really-did you know President Goldline meant Teddy and not Franklin Roosevelt? ( I knew it, but I majored in history) 

Friday, May 2, 2014


As I have said before (Humor Me: 9/18/13), I love Facebook. I love Facebook mainly because I love pictures of food. I also like the way Facebook provides a way for people to post up uplifting and inspirational words to each other. Once a high school chum took time away from her London vacation to post these uplifting and inspirational words: "Smart Ass Alan Manis". That's what makes Facebook special.

However, there are some annoying things about Facebook.

For example: Tests. I have been taking tests on Facebook to determine which "Looney Tunes" character I am, which side of my brain I use the most , and my aura (whatever that is). It is usually five to ten questions that are as about as unscientific as you can get: ("Do you like oranges?") and somehow uses some sort of algorithm to determine Which Broadway Musical I Would  Be (Answer: "Fiddler On The Roof")

There's also an "app" which makes you into a cartoon. It is called "Bitstrips" and you can post cartoons that you create of you and your friends, if they haven't Bitstripped themselves .

I must admit, the cartoon I made of myself looks absolutely nothing like me. I did much better with the cartoon of my son. The cartoon I made of my wife is downright hot.

I saw a new app called "Which Star You Look Like", which should have been my first clue that this wasn't the most accurate app in the world. The whole point of this app is that it would look at  your Facebook profile picture and then through a lot of "science" post the picture of the "star you look like".

I was halfway expecting "the star I look like" to be whoever played Uncle Fester in 'The Addams Family". But you will never guess  which star this app said I resembled:  Zac Efron.

Alan  Zac

Zac  Alan

This app had my profile picture and a picture of Zac Efron side by side. First the good news: I am a carbon based life form like Zac Effron and I can turn my head in approximately the same direction as he can. Now the bad news: my mailbox looks more like Zac Efron than I do.  I reported this on Facebook and one of my Facebook friends, Duane Hartness asked  "Are you expecting an argument?"

 Zac Efron

I'm not sure what I should do with this information. My wife and I have just celebrated our 28th anniversary and I'm not in the market.  I guess I'm supposed to walk up to a young woman and say, "According to Facebook, I look like Zac Efron" and just watch her melt due to my hotness.

Leave it to Greg Marshall, who I've mentioned before (Humor Me: 3/24/14) to try to lift my self esteem. He said he didn't see the resemblance to Zac Effron, BUT thinks I sort of/kind of/maybe in the right light look like JACK BAUER (Keifer Sutherland). That's like telling Don Knotts that he reminds you of John Wayne.

Jack Bauer After A Really Bad 24 Hours
Alan? I mean, Keifer

Greg even posted a picture of me and Keifer Sutherland together with the question "Separated At Birth?"  Although Keifer Sutherland is seven years younger than me and 4 billion dollars richer, he is only three inches taller I am.  We have the same type of hair style (Great Clips) and we both have beady eyes.

Now, I've never been engaged to Julia Roberts, but I'm from Marietta, Georgia which is next to Smyrna, Georgia, Julia's hometown. On top of that, I'm always yelling at my wife to download the schematics. Me and Keifer are practically twins.

What I'm telling you is this, if I come up to you and ask you to set up a perimeter, you better do it.

Which reminds me, Humor Me will be writing a weekly 24 recap. It will be posted either the Tuesday or Wednesday after the episode airs.