Thursday, September 29, 2016

This Week's Picks

In case you didn't hear about it, there was a Presidential Debate between the Democratic nominee Former First Lady Senator Secretary Hillary Clinton and the Republican nominee Big Orange Donald J. Trump.

The following is an actual transcript of the debate.

Clinton:  We need to invest in the middle class despite the fact that most of them, particularly in the icky part of the country that I had to live in due to the  hillbilly I married, are deplorable.

Trump:  Rosie O'Donnell

Clinton: I am wearing a coughing prevention machine underneath this Devil red pantsuit.

Trump: Sniff

Clinton:  As part of my preparation for the debate, I memorized the entire Phenix City, Alabama phone book for no particular reason.

Trump:  I was going to mention  that there is a person who may or may not be married to someone who may or may not be my opponent and that person had physical carnal relations with members of the opposite sex to whom they were not married. Everybody says I am too much of a gentleman to bring this up in front of this person's 36-year-old daughter or whatever. Mail my Nobel Prize to Donald J. Trump, Trump Plaza. New York, New York.

This Week's Picks!

Pounded Pups vs Hillbillies:  Last week, Georgia got totally killed 5 billion to 20 (or something like that) against Ole Miss. Tennessee had their biggest win in decades against Florida. This Week's Picks Alabama correspondent, Hop Daddy, offered his prediction on the game. "Tennessee will be flat. Dawgs will be home. They will rebound.  I think".  He's got a point. Tennessee plays Texas A&M and Bama after the Dawgs and they may be looking past UGA. Gee, I'd like to see Georgia win. They won't. Tennessee wins

Bumbled Bees vs U:  Well, we found out last week what kind of team Tech was: not a very good one.  Coach Cutie Pie (Mark Richt) is now at Miami and he brings a pretty good working knowledge on how to defend against "The Triple Freaking Option". It doesn't add up to a win for Tech. A loss will divide the fan base and multiply the calls for the firing of Coach Grumpy McGrumperson (Paul Johnson). I'm sure there are other math analogies I could use. Miami wins.

Just Like Old Times

Trees vs Wurshington:  Stanford is a smart kids school that has a good football team. Washington is the large university  in a state known for caffeine and marijuana.  Dude, Washington has been playing well. But man, Stanford is ranked seventh, man. But, dude, Washington is ranked tenth. Hey man, Stanford has Christian McCaffrey who is sort of the Miles Davis of college football because he leaves his opponents kind of blue.  Dude, Stanford wins.

Lousyville vs Clem's Son:  The team that scares almost everyone in college football (except Nick Satan Saban) is Louisville. They treated Florida State like Ole Miss treated Georgia.  The problem with Louisville is they are coached by Bobby Petrino, who has probably spent half the week in a secret Baton Rouge bungalow interviewing for the LSU job. Clemson looked like their old selves against Georgia Tech.  It would mean a lot to Clemson if they could knock off Louisville. Too bad they won't.  Louisville wins.

Bennie's Eagles vs Arky State:  Did you know there was another university in Arkansas besides The University of Arkansas?  I didn't. Arkansas State is in Jonesboro, Arkansas, which is the largest city in Northeast Arkansas. Really. I didn't believe it myself but it was right there in Wikipedia, so you know it is accurate. The number one restaurant in town is Skinny J's which has a "purple specialty drink (that) is absolutely delicious".  So, if you are ever in Jonesboro, Arkansas and want a purple specialty drink, you know where to go. What other humor blog does that for you?  Georgia Southern wins.

My Beloved Owls vs Furman:  Lost in the hoopla of the Tennessee-Florida game was the Kennesaw State-Duquesne game in which the Mighty Hooters, in only its second year of existence, defeated a team that went to the FCS playoffs last year. Plus, a video of an Owl player passing out due to fright when the team flight to Pittsburgh hit  air turbulence went viral. What a weekend! Owls win. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

This Week's Picks

Here at Picks Central, we are breaking in with breaking news.

Of course, I'm talking about the impending divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. This news officially broke Twitter when it was announced.

Our major news outlets have weighed in. USA Today has a story titled "BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE: WHAT WE NOW KNOW".   Basically, what we now know is that they are getting a divorce and they have six children: Maddox, 15, Pax, 12, Zahara, 11, Shiloh, 10, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 8.  (I lost count after Pax, but I knew they had a slew of them.)

From the Hollywood Desk of This Week's Picks, the story is that Brad Pitt, who was once married to Jennifer Aniston, had an affair with a beautiful actress I have never heard of, which caused Angelina Jolie to file for the divorce, despite the irony that Pitt was married to Aniston when he had an affair with Jolie.

A couple of things. One, most guys are very jealous of Brad Pitt because many beautiful women want to make sweet love to him even though he's never won a Super Bowl. Two, most guys never would have cheated on Jennifer Aniston, but most guys aren't Brad Pitt.

Cheap Exploitive Way To Get Clicks

This Week's Picks!

Doggies vs Ole Mess:  Our pal Nick, This Week's Picks UGA correspondent, has this theory called "Georgia Grease". Georgia has been "sliding by" in winning the exceptionally close games.  Nick says  Georgia makes the grease that it can "slide by" on. Think of it as "a man makes his own luck". It's not The String Theory but there's something to it.  Ole Miss had a heartbreaker with Bama. They've lost two games against two good teams. I think the Rebels are a better team than the Bulldogs and that's not because my wife's hair stylist's son goes to Ole Miss. Ole Miss wins.

Bees vs Esso: Tech has its first big test against Clemson. Clemson hasn't played well. Tech has played Mercer. Oh, what the heck. Call this game The Lock of The Century of The Week. The Bees will stun the world on Thursday night. You saw it here first. Tech wins.

Weskhanson vs Meeshegan State: Wisconsin, which beat the college men of LSU that go in dumb and come out dumb too, almost lost to Georgia State. That's not quite as bad as UGA almost losing to Nicholls, but it is still not good. Michigan State is the other Michigan school. You know, the one without the funny helmets or the psycho coach. This should be a fairly enjoyable game. Spartans win.

Lizards vs Rocky Flop:   According to Pete and Repete of  "Moonshine In The Morning" on Knoxville's sports talk radio station WOOO radio, Florida has a great chance to win the SEC East because it is "wide open" meaning nobody in the SEC East is playing all that great.  The Gator quarterback was injured in last week's game against North Texas.  Tennessee seems like they are playing better. They are playing in Knoxville. This means if you hear banjo music, you must paddle faster. Tennessee wins

Piggies vs Aggies:  Bret Bielema, the Coach of The Arkansas Razorbacks, is the walking definition of "outkicking your coverage". He's this big ol' goofball of a man who is married to a smoking hot woman. (I say this strictly clinically). Unfortunately, his team is not smoking hot and they play in the SEC West.  Texas A&M is one of your better teams flying under the radar. Texas A&M wins.

Benny's Eagles vs Western Michigan: Here's big news-they found the real "GUS" at Georgia Southern and brought him back to Statesboro. Poor guy.  Georgia Southern is 3-0 and the internets are complaining about their play. Well, they'll have reason to on Saturday. Western Michigan wins.

The Hoots vs The Dukes: My beloved Kennesaw (pronounced "Kenny-saw") State Owls travel to Pittsburgh to play the Duquesne (pronounced "Due Kane") Dukes. Duquesne is a Catholic University, which is as close to Notre Dame as the Owls will get to in my life time. They are 2-1. Sorry, birds, they'll be 3-1 at the end of the day. Duquesne wins

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

This Week's Picks!

Not meaning to toot my own horn, but last week I did something I had never done in the 14 years of This Week's Picks: I called all of the games correctly. However, one team tried its best to lose (I'm looking at you, UGA). But in any event:  Toot, toot!

Granted, it wasn't very hard to call The Stink Week games. I figured even I couldn't jinx Tech enough to cause them to lose to Mercer. Can you imagine a world in which Georgia loses to Nicholls and Tech loses to Mercer? It's like a world where either a congenital liar or a narcissistic businessman  can become President of The United States.

This Week's Picks!

Puppies vs Misery:  This Week's Picks UGA correspondent,   Our Friend Nick, reports that Kirby Smart didn't want to show too much to Mizzou in the Nicholls contest. If that's the case, UGA executed his plan flawlessly because it really didn't look like UGA was a SEC school playing against a Southland Conference School.  As Pete and Ree Pete would say on "Moonshine In The Morning": They've got to play better against Missouri, if they want to win. Which reminds me of this question on the UGA entrance exam. Which state produces the most milk?  Moo-souri. Get it? Georgia should get udderly serious in this game. UGA wins.

Bees vs Commode Doors: Vanderbilt comes to Georgia Tech to play football and not despite reports, to engage in the world's largest Pok√©mon Go contest. Vandy is having their typical year: stinky. Which reminds me of this joke: How many Vandy players does it take to change a tire?  One, unless it is blowout, in which case they'll all show up.You never know about Tech. While I think they'll probably have a losing record, you never know. They just might win all of their games and go to the National Championship. The good news for the Nerds is that they'll be 3-0 before the Clemson game on September 22nd.  Tech wins.

Comical First Name Coach vs Lousyville:  For those of you that don't know, Jimbo Fisher is the head coach of The Florida State Seminoles. His actual name is John James Fisher. Okay  The Louisville coach,  Bobby Petrino, used to be the coach of The Atlanta Falcons for a couple of days. He left to coach at Arkansas, which seemed like a good decision until he decided to ride a motorcycle with a hot blonde, which Bear Bryant used to do all the time. Arkansas didn't like this, so they fired him. He went to Western Kentucky for a year.  Now he coaches Louisville, which is where he was coaching when he left to coach The Atlanta Falcons.  This is a major game and should decide the winner in whatever conference this is for The ACC. Until further notice, Jimbo is a the better coach. FSU wins.

Bama vs Ole Mess:  For two years in a row, Ole Miss has defeated Alabama. Even though it is always enjoyable to watch Alabama lose, it is selfish of me to ask to the Lord for a third win in a row. (What other humor blog do you know gives such sound theological advice?)  Bama wins.

Benny's Eagles vs Another School In Louisiana:  I've actually been on the campus of The University of Louisiana at Monroe. It was in the late 70's and it was called Northeast Louisiana University back then. The team was called "The Indians" (SHOCK! HORROR!) As of the late 90's Northeast Louisiana University became The University of Louisiana at Monroe and did away with that deplorable team name and became "The War Hawks". Two famous alumni: Tim McGraw and Willie Robertson ("Duck Dynasty").  School motto: "Yeah, It Is Louisiana".  That's about all I know about ULM.  Georgia Southern wins

Thursday, September 8, 2016

This Week's Picks

Talk about starting off with a bang!

Last week College Football had a can't miss line-up of games. The double- overtime Texas-Notre Dame game drew a total of 11.1 million viewers, which according to someone who knows a lot about drawing crowds is "bigly".

From Wisconsin-LSU to UGA-UNC to BAMA-USC to Texas-Notre Dame to FSU-Ole Miss, each game was interesting and compelling.

Then you have this week.  The newest golden child, Houston, is playing Lamar and Clemson is playing Troy.  Or is it Houston playing Troy and Clemson playing Lamar?  The big time schools are no longer playing the "Directional Colleges", they're playing schools named after guys in your fraternity.

In any event, welcome to STINK WEEK  here at THIS WEEK'S PICKS!

Kirby's Kanines  vs School That Needed The Money:  UGA is playing Nicholls State this week. Where is Nicholls State?  I will give you a hint from their roster:  Boutte, Figaro, LeBouoef, Boudreaux, Guarisco, LeBlanc, and Arceneaux.  That's right, Nicholls State, which is located in Thibodaux, Louisiana, the aorta in the heart of Cajun Country. I guess the University of Louisiana at Monroe was busy. (In fact, they are: they are playing Oklahoma) As Justin Wilson used to say, "Ah gar-ron-tee (I guarantee) a Georgia win and Jacob Eason will throw for a billion yards. Geaux dawgs". In other words, goodbye Joe, me gotta go with the Bulldogs.  UGA wins! 

Bees vs Baptist Bears:  Last week Georgia Tech defeated Boston College in Dublin, Ireland. The game started around 7:30 in the morning which meant Tech fans could enjoy the game and go to Dragon-Con. A win-win for our friends in the flats.  This week, Tech plays Mercer, which didn't even have a football team until Obama's second term. Even I can't jinx Tech enough for this game. Tech wins!

Paul Johnson Enjoying Tech's Win Over Boston College

The Eagles From Gnat's Landing vs. An Alabama Team That Doesn't Roll Tide or War Eagle: Last week, the Jaguars of South Alabama defeated the other Bulldogs of Mississippi State, which had to be the biggest victory of in the history of non-Bama/non-Auburn football. Georgia Southern (alma mater: "Why Don't We Get Drunk") killed Savannah State. The Eagles also had a mascot change. Their mascot, "GUS", had a face lift and we're not quite sure which gender New "GUS" identifies  with.  In any event, this is a big deal on Georgia Southern related Twitter topics, right behind which bars actually card.   It will be interesting to see if South Alabama can do it two weeks in a row. I don't think they will. Georgia Southern Wins!

Us With Old GUS



Gobblers vs Rocky Flop:  Last Thursday, the Tennessee Volunteers barely defeated Appalachian State. For kicks and with the help of my I Heart Radio app, I tuned into Knoxville sports talk radio to see how they handled such a stinky game.  I found WOOO radio AM-FM and listened to "Moonshine In The Morning with Pete and Ree Pete"

Pete: Tennessee didn't play well at all.
Ree Pete:  Nope, not good at all.
Pete: If they want to win, they're going to have to play better.
Ree Pete: They have to play better if they want to win.
Pete: Let's see what the callers have to say.
Ree Pete: Let's take a call
Pete: Nick in Knoxville, you're on the air.
Nick: Hey, Pete
Pete: Hey, Nick
Nick: Hey, Ree Pete
Ree Pete: Hey, Nick
Nick:  I just want to know, um, you know, what y'all thought about the game last night. I don't think they played well at all. I'll hang up and listen to your comments on the radio.
Pete: They didn't play well
Ree Pete: No sir, they didn't play well. They will have to play better if they want to win.
Pete: If they want to win, they have to play great. Just like the great deals you'll find here at Gatlinburg Ford Chrysler Volkswagen Audi. Stop by here before the end of our show at 11:00 and say "I love Moonshine In The Morning with Pete and Ree Pete and you'll get a coupon for a bag of Wise potato chips. 

I listened for about an hour and left with the definite impression that Tennessee didn't play well and if they want to win they'll have to play better.  Of course, some callers  felt  that Tennessee was looking past Appalachian State to this Saturday's game against Virginia Tech. when they should have been playing one game at a time. On paper, Tennessee is probably the better team and it is SEC versus ACC, so Tennessee should win.  Tennessee wins!

Hooters vs Point: My beloved Kennesaw State Owls (motto: "There's no way you could get in now, Manis") lost a heart breaker to East Tennessee State. They'll have to play better if they want to win. Fortunately, Point University is coming to Down The Road From Town Center Stadium. Point is 0-2 so far this year. The president of Point University, Dean Collins, once threw me a touchdown pass in a touch football game. Despite that, I have to go with my Owls. Kennesaw wins!

"Alan was open"

Thursday, September 1, 2016

This Week's Picks!

Here we are, back again, with another year of This Week's Picks, America's leading College Football prediction blog post from West Cobb County.

But first, a little history.

I began This Week's Picks as a thread on a little website called WheelerAlumni.Com in 2002. I learned two things quickly: People can't take a joke and Georgia Tech fans have amazing coping abilities.

I moved This Week's Picks to my award winning blog, Humor Me in 2009. One particular post had almost 200 readers in a week's time. That's not too shabby.

It began to grow and grow. In addition to the major FBS games, I added Georgia Southern  to each week since my son went there. I also added NCAA Division II and Division III games, even though, frankly, I was simply looking for the funniest sounding schools. Fortunately, Division III has a ton of funny sounding schools, my favorite being Ursinus College (pronounced "Your Sinus College").

I took a hiatus from This Week's Picks for the blog for a couple of years, but I brought it back last year. Here we go.

This Week's Picks!

Puppies vs Heels of Tar:  Last year, Georgia went 10-3 and fired their head coach,  Coach Cutie Pie. No worries for Coach Pie-he was immediately hired by The University of Miami, which is like the local Hooters announcing they're under new management by the deacons of Thomas Road Baptist Church. Georgia's new head coach is Kirby Smart, who worked for Nick Satan Saban and hopefully has Bama Cooties when it comes to winning. North Carolina is supposed to be good this year. Meh. When it comes to SEC vs ACC, I always go with the SEC. UGA wins!

Bumbles vs Shh,Don't Tell Anyone Matt Ryan Went Here:  God works in mysterious ways, which is the only possible explanation for the Georgia Tech/Boston College game being played in Dublin, Ireland. It also might explain why after a 3-9 season, Tech didn't fire Coach Personality (Paul Johnson).  So it is another year of "The Triple Option" which either works really well or it doesn't work at all. The Nerdy Alumni of Tech seem to believe in something called "a jinx" and believe I am one.  Yep, Tech lost 9 games because of me. Anyway, Tech needs all of the help they can get this year, so I'm not picking them in this game. Boston College wins!

Ellesyu vs Weskonson: Les Miles, who let's face it, is half a bubble off plumb, was not fired either last year despite a disappointing season. He has one of the top players in the country (Leonard Fournette) and they should be better this year. If not, well, did you ever see a Cajun when he really got mad?  LSU wins!

Bamy vs Birth Control:  Alabama begins their annual defense of the national title with a game against the University of Southern California. This would have been an awesome game in 1978. USC is good, but Bama is Bama. Bama wins!

Our Lady vs Our Cattle:   Warning! Warning!  Notre Dame is supposed to be good this year! Stay away from your TV sets because it will be all Notre Dame all the time until they lose to someone. It would be cool if they lost to Texas. They won't. Notre Dame wins!

Old Mess vs Criminoles:  Did I ever tell you about the time I went to the Ole Miss campus? It is beautiful, a pearl in a sea of grits. The team is the typical college football mix of great athletes that may/may not be felons. Just like Florida State.  Anyway, I will violate my rule about picking the SEC in a SEC/ACC game. Florida State should win. They will  FSU wins!

My Beloved Owls vs Hillbillies:  Believe it or not, I have some extra discretionary funds this year and I have contacted my alma mater for season tickets. I had to leave my phone number for a callback. I haven't heard a word. It is not like I have a weekly blog or have published three books this year. Anyhoo (get it!?), the Owls were pretty good last year for a new team. They should be this year. Kennesaw State wins!