Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Son Of This Week's Picks

Once again, for the general public, I must go over the rules of This Week's Picks.

One, I like everybody's team and if I don't pick yours to win a game it does not mean I don't like your team.

Two, I actually give some thought about who I am going to pick to win. Okay, it is not a lot of thought. I usually don't consult Vegas, because it is all about the over and under and that stuff bores me for the simple reason I don't understand it. But, I do read a little bit and listen to some sports talk radio.

Listening to sports talk radio is almost always a mistake because the most of the callers are, to put it nicely, insane.

Host: "We have Bob from Emerson."

Bob: "This is Bob from Emerson".

Host: "Yeah, Bob, what do you think about the Georgia-Alabama game?"

Bob: "I think, it seems to me, that Georgia should have beaten Southern One Billion to Nothing and we would have too if Mark Richt wasn't such a homo. I'm going to hang up and listen to your response".

This goes on for hours.

Three, and I cannot say this often enough. I. AM. NOT. A. JINX.  I picked Tech all last year and they won. Now, I pick them for a couple of games and they lose. This, of course, has nothing to do with the quarterback over throwing receivers, defense not tackling, coaching, etc. No, it is my fault.

To be fair, I did coin the term "The Manis Jinx" as a little jokey joke.  I was kidding. I do not have the power to jinx. Anyway, if I had a power, it would be to become invisible, but I'm not going to go into the reasons why.

This Week's Picks!

Dawgs vs Tide:  I know most people think me and Mrs. Picks have a idyllic marriage. We do. However, even the best couples have their ups and downs. The last UGA-Bama game was in 2008 in Athens. I had been looking forward to that game all year. The game happened to fall on the same day as a wedding my wife wanted to attend. I spent a good part of 2008 telling my wife that I did not want to go to this wedding. We compromised: I went to the wedding with my wife. The wedding was being held in Timbuktu in the middle of absolute freaking nowhere. ("Absolute Freaking Nowhere" would have been a good name for a Neil Young album.) By the time we got there, the dialogue between my beloved and I resembled The Wolf of Wall Street.  Long story short: we made it back home for the kick off and Bama killed Georgia. Moral of the story: sometimes it is better to miss the Georgia game. For the first time in forever, Bama is listed as an underdog. I simply don't trust UGA yet. Bama wins!

Bumbled vs Heels of Tar:  Here's my life. I walk into church and someone with a Federal Security Clearance asks me why I picked Tech. I'm beginning to wonder myself. Okay, Bees, here's what you want: North Carolina wins!  I hope you are happy.

Pigs vs Why Me, Lord?:  Last week, Tennessee lost, again, in the last minutes, to a team that they had outplayed. On the internet, various reasons were offered, most centering around Butch Jones being a retard. Arkansas is not doing too well either but for a fat guy, Coach Bret Bielema has a hot wife. I just think it is Arky's day. Maybe they'll show his wife at the game. Arkansas wins!

This is what it means to "outkick your coverage"

Our Lady vs Orange Tiger:  Pope Francis was in Philadelphia last Sunday and the Eagles won. That has nothing to do with this game, but it looks like this is one of those years we are going to have to listen to how great Notre Dame is.  The stereotypical ethnic types with anger issues win!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

The Return of This Week's Picks

Maybe you don't remember but a couple of years ago I discontinued "This Week's Picks" in my blog because I noticed most of my blogs were about college football.

That would not be a bad thing if I actually knew anything about college football. I don't. I simply like to goof on college football.

But I wanted to write on other subjects and I didn't want to be tied down to writing on one subject each week until December. I had this epiphany:  I only have one subject to write about for each week until December. That's great. I don't have to sit around and wait for a topic to strike me.

Here are a couple of the rules about "This Week's Picks" for those that are new to the scene.

The picks are for college football games only and are strictly for entertainment purposes. If you bet the mortgage based on anything I write, you need some serious medication.

I give all of the teams comedic names and I make fun of every school. This does not mean I "hate your team". I don't know your team. I assume that they all would make very fine trustees at the county jail, Dawgnation. Ha, ha, See? I do not hate the University of Georgia. The Bulldogs are my team. I'm just proud we are four weeks into the college football season and not a single Bulldog has been convicted of a felony.

This Week's Picks!

The Stung vs Dookies:  One more thing about "This Week's Picks". A certain reader on Facebook (where I've posted TWP for the past two years) who shall remain nameless regularly accuses me of picking Georgia Tech to win in order to "jinx them". Even if I had the power to "jinx", why would I "jinx" Tech? They are my fourth favorite team in the state behind The Owls, Georgia Southern and UGA. All I know about Tech is just when they are ready to really become a presence in College Football, they tend to lose a game they shouldn't, like to Notre Dame. Anyway, both schools are 2-1, I just think Tech is better. Tech wins!  JINX!

Rocky Topped vs Lizards: It is time to premier a new feature on TWP called "Tennessee Jokes".  Did you hear that the University of Tennessee President's home was burned down? Yup, bout took out the whole trailer park. At one time Tennessee versus Florida would be THE GAME, but now it is just two schools trying to get better. Tennessee has been trying longer. Tennessee wins!

The Other Bulldogs vs We Can't Have Nice Things:  If there has been a pleasant surprise to this college football season it is that both Alabama and Auburn both lost on the same Saturday. If that doesn't prove the existence of God, I don't know what will.  The wheels look like they have come off at Auburn. They almost lost to Jacksonville State, which 99 per cent of the sports watching world thinks is in Florida. Auburn has just lost their confidence. To which everyone says:


Mississippi State wins! 

Ben's Team vs The Taters:  For some reason, the University of Idaho is in The Sun Belt conference. This means Georgia Southern has to travel all the way to Moscow, Idaho.  The Number One restaurant on Trip Advisor in Moscow, Idaho is "Buy The Dozen", a donut shop. You can't get information like that any place else. Eagles GATA and donuts. Eagles win!

The Mighty Hooters vs Daydum: Here it is three games into the season and my beloved Kennesaw State Owls are still undefeated. We're going to Dayton, Ohio. I've been to Dayton. I spent a week there one day. All through the day, the hours rushed by. I sat in the park and watched the grass die. Or was that Toledo? Anyway, I just have a funny feeling that my Owls are going to come up short. Dayton wins.  JINX ON DAYTON! 

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Next Question

Here it is again, time for another debate. Here's what I would ask the candidates.

Donald Trump: Mr. Trump, you described Dr. Ben Carson as an "O.K. doctor". Did you know that he was a neurosurgeon? Do you know what a neurosurgeon is?  Did you know that he was the head of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins University? Did you know he has hired more than one nurse? In what way does using Kelo v. City of New London to obtain real estate better qualify someone for the Presidency than neurosurgery?

Ben Carson:  Dr. Carson, you seem like such a low key, laid back guy. Would you ever consider drinking a Monster energy drink?

Jeb Bush:  Governor Bush, shouldn't your campaign posters read "JEB?" instead of "JEB!"?  Have you ever thought about changing your last name?

Mike Huckabee: On a personal note, Governor, thank you for the Cracker Barrel gift cards you gave us in 2012.  Can God create a rock so heavy he can't pick up?

Scott Walker: Governor,  I mean, really, you have one year left remaining in school. Haven't you heard of The University of Phoenix?

Carly Fiorina: Ms. Fiorina, er, I missed a punch clocking in last week so my time card is missing four hours, so can you fix that? Also, I'm putting in a PTO request for next week, would that be okay? There's donuts in the break room--you want one?

Rand Paul:  Senator Paul, did you know you look like one of my brother in laws? How come I've never seen you and my brother in law in the same room together?  Are you sure you're not Bill?

Ted Cruz:  Senator, is there any problem facing the United States that shutting down the government won't solve?

John Kasich:  Governor, do you think The Browns made a TERRIBLE mistake in drafting Johnny Manziel?

Marco Rubio:   Senator, you recently made fun of Florida State University. Seeing that you are a graduate of The University of Florida, how many pairs of jean shorts do you own? Would you appoint Steve Spurrier to a high level cabinet post? Growing up, did you your friends ever play "Marco Polo" at the pool but substituted "Rubio" for "Polo"?

Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum, Lindsey Graham, and George Pataki:  Why even bother to show up?

Chris Christie: Do you want fries with that?

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

The Survivors

On the Monday after our son was married, we met some friends of ours for lunch. Bob and Jenny.  Kim and James. We haven't seen Bob and Jenny since George Bush was President. The first one. Bob and Jenny have been everywhere, man, and now they are in Indiana to keep an eye on Jenny's Dad.

Kim and James live in the area, but lives have taken us into different directions. We haven't seen them for about 20 some odd years either. They have three grown children.

We livened up The Marietta Diner that afternoon. It was like we saw each other last week. We caught  up with them and then we do what people our age do: go over our medical histories. That's when you know you are old-you talk about your medical problems.

Bob and Jenny were married when Reagan was President. That's just like yesterday until you look at the calendar.

This past Sunday, we met Marvin and Sharon for lunch.  I'm pretty sure the first George Bush was President when we last saw them too.

Bob and Jenny, Kim and James, Marvin and Sharon, Lori and Alan were all part of a couples Bible study at our church. Every Friday night we met and went through a book to learn how to be a married couple.

I must admit, some nights, we really did intensive Biblical study. On other nights, we kind of rushed through the study to watch "Dirty Dancing" on a VCR. Hey, that was Kim's idea.

One Labor Day Weekend, we decided to go to the mountains and have a camp out. Bob, Jenny, Kim, James and Marvin were the campers in the group. I always could take it or leave it.  Lori did not like to camp because she has "hair issues". Sharon had never been camping. She has never been since.

It was truly a memorable weekend. It was one of those weekends that only those that have experienced it can comment and laugh about. There's a picture of us posted on Facebook.  All of us are much, much younger looking and all of us looked very much in love.

My biggest memory though was going into town with Marvin and Sharon. Back then, The Miss America Pageant was held on Labor Day Weekend. Lori and Sharon began talking about it.

Sharon said, "When I was a little girl, I used to pray that if God would let me win The Miss America Pageant, I would witness for him and give him all of the glory".  Being the sensitive spiritual person I am, I laughed.

I could just see God saying, "Hmmm, you drive a hard bargain, Sharon, but, what the hey, sure I'll let you win The Miss America Pageant."

Our lunch with Marvin and Sharon was like our lunch with Bob and Jenny, Kim and James. It was like we just saw each other last week.

In 2010, Marvin was hit by a truck while out jogging one morning. One month later, Lori was diagnosed with breast cancer. Two separate incidents, obviously, but with one thing in common: they both survived.

When I was thinking about our friends, I was thinking it is neat to point out that we are all still married to our original spouses. I know a lot of folks, unfortunately, that are not.

But that doesn't make us better. I like what Roger Miller said: "A woman and a man, a man and a woman. Some can and some can't. And some can".  It just means we were one of those who could, that's all.

We are survivors.