24 Recap Hour 7

Previously on "24": President Goldline Rosland Capital asks Jack to save London and Jack decides he needs the Hot CIA Agent (HCA) to help him.  She proves to him that she is a true freak when she stabs herself with a needle to make her go into an instant coma. The NAHR (Not A Hot Russian)takes all 9 of her fingers and stabs her sister in law. In true "24" justice, she is later hit by a bus.  Jack tries to download a bank statement while HCA is tortured by a bunch of thugs. The Brits come in and mess up Jack's plans, just to prove that they are as stupid as the Americans. But it doesn't matter because HCA somehow beats up the bad guys with her "thighs of death". The Guy That Jack Knows, who was supposed to be this "big help", blows himself up.  Oh yeah, Benjamin Bratt is a mole.

Last week, we left NAHR splattered in the middle of a London street after she was hit by a bus. The Niece identifies her as the one that killed her mother. NAHR  is then taken to the fabulous state run health care facility by a fabulous state run ambulance and the ambulance guy notes that she has a recent finger amputation that seems to be unrelated to being hit by a bus. In the middle of all of this triage work, Mommie Dearest calls and in clear violation of all privacy laws, the ambulance guy tells her about NAHR's accident (the one that involved the bus-not the finger). He tells Mommie Dearest to go to St. Matthews Hospital which is easily assisible  by drone.

Jack is having his hourly confrontation with someone that just doesn't get how important Jack is and how much he's just getting in the way of Jack's work. HCA sort of looks like someone that was hot that was kind of tortured. Jack learns from Chloe about the NAHR's "mishap". Jack decides to go to the hospital because NAHR's chasing of her niece means that she might actually be a human bean (Texas speak for "human being") and will not want to blow London.

Chloe gets a text on her computer that says WIPE THAT CRAP OFF YOUR FACE, YOU'RE ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD GET OUT OF THERE. She hightails it out of Nerd Central and goes to a pub, like every office worker in the United States.

Jack gets a phone call from President Capital  and Jack finks on the British. Prime Minister Bigchin stumbles on in and gets into a holler match with President Capital that ends with the "No He Didn't" moment when the Prime Minister questions the President's bloody health because the President acts like a bloody loon half of the bloody time.

Back at the CIA Headquarters, Benjamin Bratt gets another phone call from the husky voiced  caller that he got a few minutes before. It turns out the caller is none other than The Head Nerd from Nerd Central. They are somehow involved in a plot to send HCA's husband to jail, probably so they could just stare at her chest.  The Head Nerd notes that someone in the office is going through these files that would clear HCA's husband and put Benjamin Bratt in jail. That guy is the guy that sits next to HCA. Well, Benjamin Bratt has him go out on an assignment which in "24" world means he is going to get shot or attacked by a lion. The guy goes to a houseboat on the river and is shot by a lion.

Jack and HCA arrive at the hospital. Jack goes into full Jack mode insisting that the doctor immediately heal NAHR so he can beat the information out of her. The doctor notes that this is socialized medicine so NAHR won't be seen for another six weeks so Jack can go ahead and beat her up question her. NAHR is her typical stupid self, refusing to give Jack any information. So Jack squeezes the amputated finger, which just happens to be the only area of her body without a band-aid on it. Jack later regrets doing this because she still didn't give up any information, choosing instead to "pass out".

HCA goes and finds The Niece who tells HCA that NAHR killed her mom. The Niece didn't ask anything about why HCA's face was all beat up like every little girl on the face of the earth. For some odd reason, HCA gave her a "Ginger Beer", which sounds kind of gross to me, even for Europe.

Would You Drink This?

As it would happen, Mommie Dearest sent one of her Junior Terrorists over to the hospital to kill NAHR before they waste a bomb blowing up the hospital.  The Junior Terrorist did a really bad job- getting killed by a British police officer- which means that when he goes to meet Allah, he gets a really fat virgin, instead of the seventy that all of the cool ones get.

Jack quickly reads a text Mommie Dearest sent to Junior Terrorist and quickly surmises that there will be a drone strike in eight minutes mainly because the text said "JT: Drone Strike in 8 minutes, MD". The hospital is in full evacuation alert when it is hit by a drone. Then, the drone starts going after Jack, who finds the only car with the steering wheel on the correct side of the car,  The drone misses Jack by a couple of inches and Jack goes into full ATLANTA DRIVER ON I-285 mode (ie: bat out of hell). Jack uses his massive Jack brain to get the drone to waste all of its bombs.

Jack Being a Big Help

As all of this was happening, Mr. Audrey meets with the Russian Deputy Vice 2nd Premier, who not only had the most comical accent but also the most comical facial hair in Prime Time Network Television. The Russian again demanded "The Krim-en-al Jack Bauer" along with "Moose and Squirrel". Mr. Audrey reminded him that, hey, London is under attack and Jack Bauer is the only one that can save us. The Russian countered that they know Audrey was once Jack's flat chested lover.

The President calls Jack again and wants to meet with Jack ASAP. The President then puts on a dress jacket, slicks back his hair, and Skypes Mommie Dearest and tells her that he will agree to her terms. I know I speak for all of America when I say, WHUT?!

Discussion Questions

1) I never heard of "Ginger Beer" before. Is it anything like Cheerwine?

2) Do Chloe and the Head Nerd have a thing for each other?

3) You would think Russia would give the United States  a day or two on the whole  "handing over Jack Bauer" business, wouldn't you?

4) Wasn't it great seeing The President and The Prime Minister yell at each other?