24 Recap Hour 5

Previously on "24": Jack is in the Embassy and finds Tanner. He takes a computer thing that proves Tanner had nothing to do with the Drone strike. Jack goes to the Communications Room of the Embassy and takes hostages, but not really. Julia Roberts' Other Old Boyfriend calls and tells Mr.Audrey that Jack is back but this time with hostages. The President finishes his speech to Parliament by stating "And that's why I went with State Farm". The Terrorist Weenie wants to leave the terrorist game. Mommie Dearest objects and cuts off NAHR's fingers. President Goldline calls Jack to ask him if he has "Prince Albert in a can".  The Hot CIA Agent  (HCA)  uses her hawtness for good and somehow saves Jack's life.

The Marine in charge is all Semper Fi with HCA because he wanted to kill Jack. He is going to write a real bad report and maybe send out a snarky Tweet about it.  He asks Jack about the Tanner do-hickey.  Jack gives him the Jack Bauer glare and begins to wiggle around a lot. This is a patented Jack Bauer distraction move because HCA has the Tanner do-hickey.  She walks off and calls Chloe who tells her to find a computer with a 4G network, preferably AT&T U-verse (which is what this recapper has)

New Jack finds HCA and they begin a pointless conversation about finding proof that Jack Bauer is right. HCA starts up the computer, which just happens to be 4G and sure enough, Bauer was right. What were the odds?  She calls her boss, Julia Roberts' Other Old Boyfriend, and gives him the news. They have to run it through the proper channels (the guy at the desk next to HCA's ) Yep, Jack Bauer was right!

Meanwhile, at Nine Finger Manor, Mommie Dearest sort of apologizes to NAHR for having chopped off her finger.  Hey, sometimes a parent has to make a tough call like cutting off a kid's useless appendage. She'll understand one of these days when she has little terrorists of her own. Mommie Dearest then goes and scares the urine out of The Terrorist Weenie who won't make it to next week, if you catch my drift.

Back at The London White House, President Goldline hears the surprising news that Jack Bauer was right, once again, if you can believe it.  Soon it becomes apparent that he better talk to Prime Minister Bigchin so he can alert the British that they'll soon have the opportunity to show the world the stiff upper lip they're always bragging about. He also wants to meet with Jack to see if Jack can help.

Of course, by simply being the First Daughter, this means Audrey can sit in at any high level security meeting she wants and she almost squeals when she hears that Jack Bauer will soon be there. Mr.Audrey has a super secret meeting with Audrey in which he reminds her that his shoe size is much larger than Jack's, who has obviously been over compensating all of his life.

When HCA gets back to CIA headquarters, Julia Roberts' Other Old Boyfriend tells her, for the twelfth  time in 5 hours, that she is being taken "off the roster", whatever that means. Soon, the whole world is treated to a video of Mommie Dearest threatening a drone attack on London unless she is paid "ONE MILLION DOLLARS"  or  have the United States give President Goldline to her. Either one, you know, whatever, throw me a fricken bone people. Like all politicians, she invokes "the children" because a couple of kids were used as human shields when her husband got whacked by a drone.

Explaining A Joke. Again.

Jack arrives at The London White House. President Goldline asks Jack if he can help.  Sure says Jack. He knows a guy that knows a guy and this guy is a mean motor scooter and a bad go getter. He's stayed at all of the worst prisons in the world and even worked in health insurance. Jack wants to go find him but President Goldline thinks that will make the Russians mad and which somehow is worse that London being blown up.

At Nine Finger Manor, Mommie Dearest says the word "shezshulde" for "schedule", just to prove to the world that she is British. She has to kill The Terrorist Weenie because he gave a clue to their hideout, but Mommie Dearest is way too smart for that. She has another IP address loaded in the video. This causes the CIA to go to the wrong house. HCA realizes that the CIA is going to the wrong house and tries to warn New Jack and Julia Roberts' Other Old Boyfriend, but not before a drone blows up the wrong house!

Audrey, "accidentally" walks into the room Jack is in and it is the awkward moment of this crisis.

Audrey: "Oh, hey, Jack, I didn't know you were being held in this room". 

Jack: "What's up?" 

Audrey: "Not much. Daddy's President. I got married. So, are you still shooting thighs and setting up perimeters?"

Soon, it gets all mushy with Jack telling her she shouldn't be seen with him. Plus, he tells her that there are surgeons that can help with her, um "condition." Jack then has an hallucination and sees Bert Cooper singing "The Best Things In Life Are Free".

 I Knew Bert Was Too Classy For The 70's

Discussion Questions.

1) For the second week in a row, Jack didn't do much in this episode. Is Jack slowing down?

2) Wouldn't "Julia Roberts' Other Old Boyfriend" be a great name for a band?

3) Wasn't Dr. Evil a complete hoot?

4)  What does Jack see in Audrey? 

5) They have split the final season of "Mad Men" into two 7 episode seasons. That really blows chunks are far as I'm concerned. Care to comment?