Last week we learned that Jack Bauer can only be caught if he wants to be caught. We learned that a chip is implanted in his hand. We learned that Chloe is now a rebel because she has black hair. We learned the United States elected a President that is really into gold. His daughter
This week begins with Jack and Chloe running into the same pub as The Tech Grad and The Hot Russian. Because no one is in the pub, Jack runs to the bathroom, telling Chloe he needs to sell a man a horse. The Tech Grad is laying on the bathroom floor from his sweet love making gone terribly wrong. Jack threatens some toilets and tells them that they are getting in his way.
Jack runs out back and finds out that the Hot Russian was not a "true blonde". The Not A Hot Russian is now walking to the Subway station with "the device". The Jack Bauer Power Team of Jack Bauer and Chloe soon realize that The Not A Hot Russian (NAHR) is heading north on the northbound subway.
Meanwhile, New Jack and The Hot CIA Agent (HCA) are questioning some nogoodniks Jack beat up last week. The mean one looks like he knows a lot, so The HCA strikes him with her gun despite orders from Benjamin Bratt who called to tell New Jack that he used to date Julia Roberts JUST LIKE SOMEONE ELSE ON THE SHOW.
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| Look Kiefer! |
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| I Saw Her First |
Jack hops on the Northbound subway heading north and sees NAHR. She sees Jack and cuts her thigh, presumably before Jack can shoot it. This causes a ruckus and several people get in Jack's way and NAHR escapes. But never fear: Chloe is at the Subway exit in the car with the steering wheel on the wrong side. Chloe is supposed to help, but she suddenly has an existential crisis. Jack is about a nano-second away from giving Chloe a cuss out and a thigh shot. Chloe reveals that both her husband and son were killed in a car accident after soccer practice. This explains why Chloe has turned all Goth on us. Chloe is crying which is not a good look for Chloe, especially with ten pounds of Goth makeup. Jack reveals that he does all of this "because he likes to help people". That and shooting people in the thighs.
Audrey's husband, Mr. Audrey is acting like a high class jerk. He forges the President's signature to order some more gold or perhaps to begin the process of a reverse mortgage. Audrey comes him and chews Mr. Audrey out about how he treated President Goldline a few minutes ago but it is all "blah, blah, blah" to him.
As Jack and Chloe are driving around London, they discover that the NAHR is the daughter of Mommie Dearest who is a radical Muslim that happens to look like an Episcopalian. The Scene switches when the NAHR meets up with Mommie Dearest at an Ye Olde English Garden. There we met her brother, who examines "the device" and says he can have it up and running in an episode or two. We also met the NAHR's husband, the Terrorist Weenie who is having all those second thoughts about killing people. He and NAHR do the London Limbo while Mommie Dearest watches from a hidden camera. On top of being a killer, Mommie is a perv!
Jack and Chloe make it back to Nerd Central, where everybody is talking about the drone strike. Jack is not hitting it off with the Head Nerd, who is even a bigger jerk than Mr. Audrey. Jack comes up with a plan to give President Goldline some super secret documents. It involves a new i.d. although it is possible that Jack is as recognizable as Paul McCartney. Jack asks for some schematics! Finally!
President Goldline goes to Parliament to apologize about a drone killing two British soldiers. He meets with Prime Minister Bigchin who explains that everybody is not jolly and to expect a lot of "what's all this then?" remarks. President Goldline begins his speech to Parliament and soon is drowned out by all of the "what's all this then?" from the crowd. President Goldline starts to hum "Tea For Two" and begins to tap dance like Johnny Carson.
New Jack and HCA arrive to at The Embassy to discover a huge protest and Jack Bauer waiting in line. The Head Nerd messes up the fake i.d. that causes a major problem. Jack doesn't have time for this, so he beats up some random people and causes a bunch of protestors to storm the gates by shooting them in the thigh. Jack makes into the building, not stopped by the HCA's incredible persuasive "BAUER" yells. She has a lot to learn.
Discussion Questions
1) Did women ever really augment a certain feature of their bodies by toilet paper? This was a big topic in the lunchroom at East Cobb Junior High School in 1971-72. Extra credit if you name names.
2) Have you ever thought about a reverse mortgage?
3) Wouldn't it be great if Jack asked for schematics like Dom Portwood asked for the TPS reports in "Office Space"?
4) Did you notice that Jack needs some rogaine?
5) Would "The Device" be a great name for a band? If not, why not?
6) Does it seem like The British speak another language besides English?
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