The Ex

This may come as a shock to you, but I have recently ended a long term relationship. This relationship was not good for me, but I enjoyed every minute of it.

It was with Little Debbie.

For those of you not in the South, Little Debbie is the brand name of the cookie and cake based dessert snacks of McKee Foods in Collegedale, Tennessee. All of the snacks are good and they are inexpensive.  This is one of the reasons I loved them so.

During my son’s recreational baseball years, the kids’ parents were assigned a date to bring “after the game snacks”, even if the kids didn’t win their game. Since this was in West Cobb, where even bowel habits can become a form of heated competition (“I go 25 times a day and sometimes during staff meetings”), some parents would go overboard and serve Foie Gras after a game, complete with maids and butlers.  Of course, the cheapo Manis family’s after the game snacks would be a box of Little Debbie Oatmeal pies and a box of Capri Suns. (Nobody has ever stuck a straw into a Capri Sun on the first try. Not even Barack Obama or the Dos Equis Man)

I have given McKee Foods in Collegedale, Tennessee a lot of money over the years, particularly for the Nutty Bar, which sometimes I would eat for “lunch”. McKee Foods describes the Nutty Bar as “Classic crunchy wafer bars, full of the great taste of
peanut butter enrobed in fudge”. What a great phrase: “enrobed in fudge” It is almost as good as “wrapped in bacon”. 

I was going merrily along in life. Lori and me and Little Debbie makes three. Then last year, I had my yearly physical, which I dread for all of the usual reasons. I have a great doctor, but he insists on during the “Moon River” exam (he does something and I suddenly sing “Moon River”-obscure Fletch reference) and has never once offered to buy dinner me afterwards. In years past, the annual physical has led to a couple of prescriptions, a surgery, and a cardiac catheterization. This time, he only asked me to lose some weight.

I have been trying to lose weight for years, but it is difficult because everything in the year revolves around food.  January: New Years = Food. February: Super Bowl and Valentines Day = Food. March: Girl Scout Cookies. April: Our anniversary = Food. May: My wife’s birthday = Food. June: Vacation = Food. July: The Fourth = Food. August: My Birthday = Food. September: Football starts again = Food. October: Halloween. November: Thanksgiving. December: Christmas. Every time I would try to buckle down and diet, here comes a special occasion!

On top of that, as an Evangelical Christian, I don’t have a lot of real bad habits. I don’t smoke and chew or go with girls that do. I don’t drink adult beverages.  I don’t take drugs. You ever hear about somebody drinking a cup of coffee then running his car into a ditch? You never hear about a guy leaving his wife and kids because he has a bad doughnut habit.

Even though I go to the gym six days a week, I couldn’t lose any weight. Finally, it dawned on me that my diet is that of a 14 year old. I looked around and decided that Little Debbie was holding me back.   As much as I wanted to keep her around, I had to let her go.  One day, I stopped buying my Little Debbie snacks. It was a sad day for me. I have since lost about 14 pounds, mainly due to giving up Little Debbie Nutty Bars.

I don’t want some government official to regulate Little Debbie and her marvelous snacks. Never once during our relationship, did a box of Star Crunch (those are great), Banana Moon Pies, or Nutty Bars ever ring my doorbell and jump into my arms.  I don’t even think I have ever seen a Little Debbie advertisement. I always sought her out.

So if you see her, say hello.