Living In The Past

As I've mentioned before, I am writing a book.


Actually, I've already written a book. It's called Gone With The Wind. I really hope it does real well.


Seriously, I have really written a book and it is called The Umpire Has A Mullet which I have featured a time or two on this blog. TUHAM as it is known on the internet message boards, it about a time in our family's life when it revolved around one thing: Recreational League Baseball.


I started writing TUHAM  in 2004. I finished it a couple of weeks ago.  Hey, I got a life you know.


I have started writing another book, if you can believe it.  This one is about my high school career. The working title (that's what we authors call it) is Surviving The Smoke Hole and Other High School Accomplishments.


As you might have guessed, it is a little difficult to write a book.


First, you should have some idea about what you are writing about. I think I have that covered since I'm writing about my high school career.


My goal is to convey how weird my high school experience was. I made these terrible grades but since I wore glasses people thought I was smart.


Ninth grade was pretty rough, grade wise, but I righted the ship and did okay the rest of my time in school, except for Chemistry.  I have no idea how anybody makes a good grade in Chemistry. Some of you people might say, "study". Yeah, right, just try that.


For some reason, foreign languages were tough for me too. I took French in seventh grade and made an "A" so I thought I could breeze through it in high school. Hey, I only made one "C" in French. I'm not going to tell you the other grades.


I figured my problem in French, besides not studying and thinking the teacher was an old bat, was my pronunciation of French words. Apparently, I didn't use enough mucus when I tried to speak French.


In a great moment of Manis Logic, I decided to punt French because I le suxed in it and take Latin instead. Which ranks right up there with New Coke as far a decisions go.


Ever heard the poem about Latin? "Latin is a language/Dead as can be. First it killed the Romans/Now it is killing me".   There has never been truer words spoken.


One thing good about Latin is that you didn't have to speak it like French. However, you had to translate a lot of Latin words (those Romans had a different word for everything) which were usually about Caesar and Gaul.


A weird thing happened in my first year of Latin, and no, it was not me studying. The teacher died in the middle of the year. I should have known something was wrong with her when she gave me detention for saying "Oh Snot" in class. It got a big laugh. The next day when I went for my detention she had totally forgotten about it. She told me I was a real sweet boy.


As you might guess, they don't grow Latin teachers on trees, but we muddled through somehow with a substitute and I think I might have even made a "B" in my last quarter of Latin I. There have been saints canonized for less.


For Latin II, the following year, my high school hired someone just out of college. She aced the SATs. Just what I needed.


This teacher was smart and sweet and just a swell young lady. And I probably was her worst student. She retired recently from teaching and I bet you I was in her Top Ten of Worst Students Ever.




But the book is not about me. It is about my time really. P.J.O'Rouke in his book Baby Boom calls my age group "The Sophomore Class". We're at the tail end of the post war generation. It was a time we could check into the Hotel California but never leave.


It was a time in which America just sat down and took a breath. It had been a real busy time in history before then. If it wasn't a Presidential assassination it was a Presidential resignation. If we weren't at war, we were going to the moon.


Somehow, in the misty water colored memories, all people remember of the 70's is Star Wars and disco. My goal is to explain it a little better with some help of my goofy jokes.


Now, if I can only remember more of it.