It was 1976 and there were about four hundred Democrats running for President, at least initially. Anyone remember Mo Udall? I do, but I can't remember where I put my car keys. It is a curse.
Well, as part of the comic genius I was developing back then, I wrote a song called Fifty Men Running For President to the tune of Paul Simon's song. Yes, I was Weird Al before there was a Weird Al.
Unfortunately, I forgot where I put the lyrics to that song. It has been almost forty years ago and I have had a life since then.
As part of my public service, I will review the people that are running for President. There are a lot of candidates. It is hard to know who to vote for. The problem is all inside your head. The answer is easy is you take it logically. I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free, there must be fifty people running for President. First, the Democrats.
Hillary Clinton. Mrs. Clinton really needs no introduction because she won't ever go away. She has a good chance of becoming the first woman and the second pathological liar (Nixon being the other) to become President. Reason for running: It is time for someone with boobs to be President and I've got 'em. Slogans (s) Worship Me, Pigs. Resistance Is Futile.
Elizabeth Warren: She is one of those Northeastern liberal Democrats who think Karl Marx was too conservative. Her slogan: Mine Are Perky. Has absolutely no chance of winning the Democrat nomination or getting invited to a fraternity social.
Martin O'Malley: Former Governor of Maryland. Slogan: I'm Martin O'Malley Reason for running: To let people outside of Maryland see what a dynamic person Martin O'Malley is and maybe get a reality TV show. Would not rule out transitioning into a woman like Bruce Jenner. Already has a name picked out: Martina O'Malley
Now, The Republicans.
Ted Cruz: Freshman senator from Texas that may/may not have been born on earth. Slogan: You don't want to sit next to me on a plane. Somehow managed to convince a woman to procreate with him.
Ben Carson: A soft spoken individual who overcame crippling poverty to become one of the leading brain surgeons on earth. Of course, since he does not share some of the same views as someone at Huffington Post or Buzzfeed, we should be wary of him. Additionally, when a Dr. Carson say "scalpel" to a nurse, he gets a scalpel. When a President Carson says "Tax Cut", he'll hear "Racist". It would be real frustrating for him but that's just the way politics rolls nowdays.
Rand Paul: Leader of the Libertarian Wing of The Republican Party, Paul is the son of Ron Paul who is probably sending him e-mails about The Federal Reserve. He's a little bit snippy with female anchorwomen. He's probably two interviews away from saying "Jane, you ignorant slut".
Mike Huckabee: Folksy former Governor of Arkansas who has one major problem: he has met me. When my wife and I went to New York a few years ago, we got tickets to Huckabee's TV show. We met him, told him we were from Georgia and he said these words which I can imagine Lincoln saying at Gettysburg or Eisenhower saying on D-Day: "We got something for you that you Georgians ought to like." It was a gift card to Cracker Barrel.
Marco Rubio: Freshman senator from Florida who gives great speeches but reminds you a little too much of another Freshman senator from eight years ago. Son of Cuban immigrants, Rubio would have been the NEXT BIG ONE WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR if he was a Democrat. Since he's a Republican, he won't get that Messianic treatment, even though, so far, the elite media has been fairly gentle with him. But don't worry, he'll be depicted as a knuckle dragging mouth breathing member of the Ku Klux Klan before you know it.
Rick Perry: Former Governor of Texas. Has new glasses.
Jeb Bush: Slogan: I Barely Even Know My Dad and Brother. Raising tons of money. May actually be a Democrat.
Scott Walker: He is the anti-Bush because he's not from a well connected family and may actually be a conservative. Did not graduate from college, which is consider bad because Sarah Palin and Rick Perry have college degrees. Had a mullet as a young man. Slogan: Go Packers!
Chris Christie: Because every comedy needs a fat man. Reason for running: To Super Size the economy. Slogan: Hey! Are You Going to Finish That?
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