Real Time '24' Recap

Hour “12:00AM-1:00PM” answered this pressing question: let’s say, someone killed your hot girlfriend after you and her did the Boise Bongo and that someone swallowed a sim card, would it work in a cell phone after you cut it out of their stomach?

Last week, Jack killed The Not That Hot Tech and the whole world rejoiced. This week, finds the crack NYPD leading Agent Chico to her body. He seems like he is beginning to doubt that Jack is all about exposing the conspiracy. Instead, it seems Jack just wants to kill everybody. In a way, both views are right.

Meanwhile, Jack is in a taxi watching the video of The Not That Hot Tech and the Guy That Killed Renee. Mostly it is The Not That Hot Tech whining about not getting the coveted “Mole of the Year” award and the Guy That Killed Renee talking about how he needs to “keel everyone, especially Moose and Squirrel”.

The taxi takes Jack to his Ugly Friend’s apartment where Jack explains he needs help in killing people. Since his friend apparently has nothing better to do than to sit around listening to police scanners, he identifies Renee’s killer: Boris Badenov.

Jack calls the reporter who appeared in the first hour that had a thing going on with President Poofy-Hair. Someone tells the reporter to pick up “line 3”. When was the last time you heard anybody say that? Jack tells her about this super duper video that is going to blow the lid off of whatever the lid was on. She agrees to meet him at a coffee shop that is in a local nearby mall which is only ten minutes away.

CTU has picked up this information and the Creepy Aide of President Logan alerts Boris, Mr. Big, President Logan, FOX NEWS, and Larry King that Jack and this reporter are going to be at the mall getting a little latte. Of course, this means Boris and his henchman will have to “Keel Jack”.

Meanwhile, Chloe and Arlo are trying to help Jack while keeping their jobs. Chloe has years of experience in doing this. I still think Arlo has transferred his lust from The Not That Hot Tech (she too dead, man) to Chloe not realizing that this is the way Chloe looks all the time.

Chloe confronts Agent Chico about Jack. Agent Chico gets all preachy about no rights and wrong like William Sloane Coffin on “Firing Line” ( I sold the following sentence to Dennis Miller for five bucks.) Chloe realizes Agent Chico is no help at all and goes back out to face Arlo and his raging nerd hormones.

At the Mall, the bad Russians try to “keel Jack”, but this is a force of nature they are dealing with and Jack ends up killing them, ruining Macy’s One Day Sale. (“I love this blouse, but ewwwwwwwww”). Boris tries to “keel Jack” but Jack’s Ugly Friend stops him.

Soon Jack, Boris, the reporter, and the Ugly Friend find a convenient empty building so Jack can beat whatever fecal matter might be in Boris.

I’ll give one thing for Boris: he can take a licking. Jack peels Boris skin off with a pair a pliers (or as my dad called them: “plauers”). Then Jack squirted what was either lemon juice or salt water into the wounds. More beating. Boris isn’t talking. Finally Jack realizes that he could use Boris’ cell phone. One problem: no sim card. Boris has swallowed it. Jack performs an emergency Simectomy, wipes off the Russian stomach acid, and plugs it into the phone and hits re-dial. It goes to the phone of former President Milhous Logan!