The Last '24' Recap

Before we get into the series finale of 24, there is a little house cleaning I need to mention.

Last fall, I did a Mad Men weekly recap because Mad Men is probably the best show on television. It wasn’t quite as popular as the 24 recap for various reasons, but mainly because nobody watches AMC. However, I neglected to do a recap of the last show of the season because I forgot. Look, it happens to the best of bloggers. We’re not getting paid for this, you know.

Anyway, on the last show of season on Mad Men: they all went out and started a new ad agency.

The series finale of 24 is a big two hour affair. Agent Chico goes to the Ugly Friend’s apartment to see if he knows where Jack is. Agent Chico shoots down the door and then goes into his “I’m only trying to help Jack” routine. I noticed the Ugly Friend has on a wedding ring. Keep positive thoughts, men, if a guy that looks like that can get a woman, anyone can.

Back at the UN, the Hot Daughter tells Mrs.President Poofy Hair that the reporter chick was trying to get a hold of her. Like the good smoking Hot Daughter that she is, she explains the Russians were behind the killing of President Poofy Hair. Of course, Mrs. President Poofy Hair is shocked, so she confronts our President Woman, whom she has given a fancy fountain pen. The country is under a zillion gallons of oil, and all she is can give is a pen?

Our President Woman gets all in her face, girl. You know, what?! You just go ahead and not sign and I’ll get the all the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, Security Guard and Paul Blart, Mall Cop to come and make your little IRK a parking lot. I was actually kind of proud of her because lately she’s been kind of weepy. This not my line, but someone said that she grew a pair of ovaries.

Jack gets into the building across the street by beating up President Logan’s creepy aide. He also gets him to suture him up (from the stabbing last hour) without any anesthesia, a little 24 homage to Road House before Jack scares the feces out of him. Finally, Jack does what Jack does best: he hits him over the head with a Jack Whack.

Jack sets up his sniper machine and then sets up this video of him explaining to his dumb daughter what happened. He mentions all of the people that died, “including Agent Renee Walker, who I did the Tulsa Tango with”. It is on one of those little digital doohickeys. 15 years ago, it would have been on a VHS tape.

Chloe finds Jack and tries to talk some sense into him. Jack would have none of that and gives Chloe the Knock out Choke Hold. He calls President Logan, who looks like he is doing Pilates. He asks him to get the Russian President in so he can kill both of them at one time.

Chloe awakens from her slumber and uses logic to convince Jack not to kill the Russian President. So Jack comes up with a neat idea: shoot me instead. Chloe shoots Jack as the CTU SWAT forces comes in the door. Somehow, she manages to miss all vital organs and bones. President Logan’s Creepy Aide comes in to interrogate Jack. Jack mumbles. The aide bends down closer and Jack becomes, in the words of Dave Berry: JACKULA (which would make a good name for a band). Jack does a Mike Tyson on this guy’s ear that for me is the highlight of this year’s TV season.

Somehow, amidst all of this pain this aide gets Jack’s last will and testament and takes over to President Logan. Logan, like the retard he is, takes it to President Woman who is getting all emotional. President Woman watches and, as we Baptists would say, becomes convicted.

At the signing ceremony, President Mrs.Poofy Hair signs the Peace Agreement. So does the Russian. President Woman announces that the Peace Process is over and gets all dramatic for the Emmy voters.

Watching in his suite, President Logan and his creepy one eared aide are watching this. They both realize that the jig is up. President Logan kills the aide, who, lets face it, had a terrible day at work. Logan turns the gun on himself.

Before all of this, President Logan convinced President Woman to kill Jack. Now President Woman, fickle is your name, decides not to kill Jack. But the Kill Jack Squad has already found Jack and took him to the only secluded spot in Manhattan to kill him. President Woman advises the head goon not to kill Jack. Jack is spared. President Woman tells Jack that the Russians will be after, presumably in the summer of 2012 at theatres near you. Jack tells Chloe thanks for all of the downloads and the perimeters that didn’t work and he runs off for the future (or the bathroom- it was hard to tell), after being shot twice, stabbed twice, beaten, and electrocuted.