Franklin Delano Obama

If the current President was the President on December 8, 1941:

Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which we will soon forget as we go on with our lives—the United States of America may have been attacked by what appears to have been the naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan, but we don’t want to jump to conclusions, unlike our predecessor who we won’t name but rhymes with “cush”. I have instructed everyone in my cabinet to write me a ten page paper, describing who could have attacked Peal Harbor. I expect it doubled spaced with the proper margins and footnotes.

The Empire of Japan ought to know that we are sorry for whatever we have done or whatever we will do (and I’m looking at you Hiroshima). I know that if we were in your shoes, we may have perhaps have done the same thing, if we had the opportunity. But know this: if it does, by any happenstance that you might have bombed our Pacific naval fleet, we will write you a terse letter describing how we might feel at that given time although we will probably feel bad about it later.

Additionally, we have been informed that the Japanese have attacked Hong Kong, Guam, Yadda, Yadda. So, a reasonable person, might be able to deduce that Japan has undertaken surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. But let me clarify, this is not the only interpretation one can have on these events. I have asked Vice President Joe Biden to look at these events and give me whatever crazy thoughts might be running around under those plugs of hair [laughter]. I will listen carefully to them and then disregard them.

Just because I am the commander in chief, it doesn’t mean I have to throw around my weight all willy-nilly. No, I don’t have to bomb things like the former occupant of this office who obviously has this “Daddy Complex” that he never confronted. And this also does not mean that I am giving up on health care reform, which will be the centerpiece of my administration, after Cap and Trade and the Stimulus.

No matter whatever happened at Pearl Harbor, I want the nation to know that being mad will never get you anywhere and maybe, just maybe, if I could sit down with a Miller Lite with Hirohito, we can work this out.

With confidence that we are a pretty cool people and with the right tools we can get a lot of things done, we will triumph, perhaps. So help us God, if you are into that sort of thing.

Therefore, I ask Congress to cool its jets and lets take a wait a see attitude about this thing. After all, there is an ocean between the U.S and Hawaii.