Up Next On The SEC Network

ESPN, the leader in sports broadcasting, has created a new sports television network that is coming to your local cable provider in a few weeks. It is The SEC Network. Just in time for College Football Season, our favorite professional sport!

For those of you that may not know: SEC stands for "Southeastern Conference" and is a university athletic conference. Two of its member universities are not in the southeastern portion of The United States. One of which, the University of Missouri, is in the "Eastern Division " even though the school is geographically west of the majority of schools in the "Western Division".

What is unique to The SEC is that it has a lot of passionate fans. By "passionate" I mean "clinically insane". I also mean "should be under close psychiatric supervision". ESPN is tapping that market because the passion translates into money. David Climer of  The Tennessean (Nashville) says many "believe the SEC Network will pump $20 million-plus into each conference school's budget per year". That's a lot of moolah. How do they plan on accomplishing this? Climer says, "The SEC Network aims to give passionate fans what they want — lots of games and live programming." 

The only announced non-football programming has been "The Paul Finebaum  Show". It will be a live television broadcast of his live radio broadcast. Four hours a day, five days a week of this face:

 

A Face For Radio

People say Rush Limbaugh is the most powerful man in radio. I disagree. Paul Finebaum is the most powerful man in radio. When Harvey Updyke poisoned the trees at Toomer's Corner in Auburn, Alabama, he called Paul Finebaum to brag about it.  As you might guess, his radio show in Birmingham featured Alabama/Auburn talk all the live long day. ("Welcome to The Paul Finebaum Christmas Show. I wonder what Coach Saban is getting this year?") but this national show will include some discussion of other schools and maybe even Vanderbilt.

The big question is what other programming besides Paul Finebaum, The SEC Sports Center and football games will be on The SEC Network.  I have been able to contact my sources within ESPN and discovered some of the other programs that be featured on The SEC Network. Note: this may be an incomplete list.

Kiss....His....Butt (game show): Alabama fans compete in various wacky contests to see which one will get to kiss Coach Nick Saban's fanny. The winner will literally kiss Coach Saban's behind. A source said, "This is a win-win. ESPN and their sponsors do not have to put up cash prizes and Alabama fans will have something to tell their grandchildren."


Redd Shirtt (drama): This is a scripted drama that follows an Auburn freshman named "Redd Shirtt" as he tries to the make the team. He also is trying to figure out why the international students at Auburn always play tennis during game days.


Are You Smarter Than A Bulldog? (game show): A contestant matches wits with five UGA students. The catch: No questions about beer or STDs.


Y'all (reality show): Cameras follow several Ole Miss sororities. It will have subtitles just in case you don't understand them (but most likely you won't care).


Why We Can't Have Nice Things (talk show): Ordinary fans of non-Alabama schools talk about why they can't win (everyone else cheats) and what they can do about it (fire the coach, poison some trees, cheat too,etc)


This is a Book (news documentary show): Designed to appeal to Vanderbilt fans, this show will feature great works of world literature. Programming note: It is on the schedule for 3:30 am Sunday Morning.


Gator Swamp (game show): Contestants vie for cash prizes in an obstacle course wearing jean shorts.


Old Timers (talk show): Old men sit around and talk about how good the SEC used to be before everybody starting wearing long hair and baggy pants.


Tailgate!  (cooking show): This show is about the food fans make at tailgates before the game. First show: How to cook a hamburger on a grill.


Who's In Jail This Time? (game show): Contestants try to guess which student athlete was arrested the week before and the reason.


My Woman, My Woman, My Wife (talk show): The wives of the coaches of SEC meet to gab about the other schools coaches and wives. ("Oh, those women at South Carolina are just awful, awful".)


Huh? (game show): Contestants try to figure out what Steve Spurrier and Les Miles just said.