My Big Dumb Snowpocalypse Experience

HUMOR ME SPECIAL REPORT

I am a survivor of the snow storm.

The recent weather event reminded me of a "Zombie Apocalypse", except it wasn't nearly as much fun.

I should have left work earlier than I did. It didn't look that bad to me and I thought the roads would be slushy since it has been warm here recently. Wrong.

The snow was not that fluffy "every snowflake is different" snow that you see on television. It looked like remedial snow to me. Not quite sleet, not freezing rain, and not snowy looking.

Where I went wrong was that the temperature dropped, which almost never happens when it snows here. The cars ran over the snow and instead of turning into slush, it turned into ice. This is when the fun began.

Oh yeah, I also went wrong trying to go home at the same time as 5.5 million other people. According to the media and government officials, this was wrong.

So, instead of my usual 15 minute commute from work, it took me 9 hours to get home. I usually start having a stroke when it takes me 25 minutes to get home.

Of course, about 30 minutes into my 9 hour trek home, I got that old familiar feeling. I had to, as us macho guys express it, go TEE-TEE.  I thought of the words my father used to tell us during our trips to either Northeast Tennessee or Mississippi to see our various kin. He used to say, "Boy, you can just hold it". So, I held it for 8 and half more hours.

I was on the same stretch of road, Church Street in Marietta, Georgia, for about 7 hours. I wondered if I would ever see my family again. I was wondering if I would ever see a bathroom again. I kept thinking if I could only relieve myself, this gridlock wouldn't be that bad.

My wife called me and I told her to stay at work. I did not want  her to get stuck somewhere and I didn't want her to walk in the ice and cold. She decided to hitch a ride with her boss from their office in Buckhead, which on a normal sunny 75 degree day is a nightmare. During their trek, they went through Vinings, a la-te-da suburb in Atlanta. Of course, they got stuck. They saw a man get out of his car and make yellow snow on the yard of the million dollar piece of property. Ah, something to tell the grandkids.

I must admit doing that crossed my mind. But I'm a shy fellow and I probably would have been arrested for indecent exposure and peeing without a permit. Plus, they probably would have shot me. Thoughts like these have kept me on the straight and narrow for years.

Besides my bladder, my biggest concern was my gas tank. I had a little over 3 quarters of a tank when I left work. For some reason, running a car for 7 hours drains the gas tank. My thought, that turned into a plan was this: Somehow get to The First United Methodist Church. I would park the car there and walk the four miles home. There is a Waffle House about a half of mile from the church. I could stop there and get some relief.

Then my plan became: get to The First United Methodist Church, park and pee on the ground next to the car. I was thinking of spelling out something uplifting like "Bless You". However, my bladder was so full I could have written "Once Saved, Always Saved".

I finally got on the 120 Loop which meant I was only a good city block from the church and blessed relief.  After another hour, I went only a half of a block. But I noticed a little road that I take to work all the time seemed like it had no gridlock on it at all.

It was Polk Street, the same street I saw Kevin Bacon on a couple of years ago.  There was no back up on it and I was able to zip along. I was able to abort my parking and peeing at the Methodist Church plan and I got home about 30 minutes after I took Polk Street.

It was there I saw the most beautiful sight: my bathroom.

After about an hour, my wife and her boss drove up. She spent about 8 hours on the road.

I thought we had a rough experience, but after seeing the stories of the people stuck in their cars for 16-17 hours, people having to sleep at Home Depot, kids sleeping in the schools, etc, I have come to the conclusion that we had it pretty easy.