A Son Is Given

I have been writing humor for over 30 years as a hobby. For a majority of that time, I wrote in a notebook and called what I wrote "essays". Then came The Internet and now I call what I write "blogs". 

This is what I wrote twenty-three years ago after my son was born. I have added highlighted editorial comments.

I was there when the future President/Chief Justice of The Supreme Court/Shortstop for The Atlanta Braves, Benjamin William Manis was born at Kennestone Hospital in Marietta Georgia on January 15, 1991.

He weighed six pounds and fourteen ounces. He has baby fine light brown hair. He has his mother's nose and his father's chin. (Actually, it is the other away around. It wouldn't be my first mistake as a Dad.) He eats Enfamil with iron (more on that later). He hates a poopy diaper.

Let me tell you the truth about men and childbirth.

Truth One: It is really neat seeing your child born. Actually, this is a half-truth. Seeing a baby born is like watching a real long version of the lunch room scene in "Alien". The baby's head pops out and then the rest and everyone is happy. Suddenly, nurses come out of everywhere and do all sorts of weird things to the baby. Meanwhile, the obstetrician is busy sewing the mother up. The rest of it-the blood, watching your wife scream in pain, hyperventilating because you were too cheap to take a Lamaze class-this part is sheer Hell and if I ever catch the "mutha" who suggested  fathers should take part in the delivery, I don't know what I'll do. (Yes, I hyperventilated during the delivery. Women find this very funny.)

 This is sort of what it looks like in a delivery room except it is a woman and there isn't any food.

Truth Two: Men care more about Baby Names than women. With my wife being a notable exception, I have noticed that many women want to give boys "sweet" names. My mother was one of them. (Warning, uncomfortable truth is coming in Three..Two..One..). My given name is Leslie Alan Manis because it sounded "sweet" to my mother.  (My mother said she thought the name "flowed" and "sang". She also said she went through the Marietta phone book and put the names together. You can imagine what joy that brought to my two older brothers) Look, I'm only going to say this once: a boy's life is not sweet. Give a boy a name that will look good on a check, like "Benjamin William Manis". Benjamin means "Son of my right hand" or "Son of The South" or "A Ben that has jammed". William means "I am Will".  Manis is Welch for "Handsome Stallion Gazing Down on a Field". The kid can't lose. (One of my favorite episodes of "The Dick Van Dyke Show" was about Rob and Laura naming Ritchie. Rob's dad wanted the baby Petrie to be named "Sam" because "it was a nice name to do business with". I think that is what I was going for here.)

Truth Three: Beware of The Breast Terrorists. There are groups of people very interested in your wife and her breasts and if those breasts are feeding your child. One group is a your wife's female friends that have breast fed in the past and want your wife's breast to hurt as much as theirs. The second group is their husbands who want to check out your wife and if she is nursing it doesn't make them seem as perverted. 

Truth Four: It was an experience I will never forget. If (God help), we have 80 kids (It didn't happen, it was "One and we're done"), I'll never forget seeing Ben for the first time. I'm not a misty-eyed or an ooey-gooey emotional person, but it was just the happiest moment of my life.

(January 24,1991)