Real Time 24 Recap

Here’s where we stand 24-wise.

President Poofy-Hair: Dead.

The Not That Hot Tech: Evil

Kayla: Hot

President Woman: Willing to trade the lives of tens of thousands New Yorkers for a “peace treaty”.

Ethan: Should be dead.

Agent Freckles: Hot! Hot!


Last week, the terrorists did not detonate the Dirty Bomb of Doom, but killed President Poofy-Hair instead. This causes Jack to get on the phone and speak with President Woman and apologize for not saving his life for this “peace treaty” which better some kind wicked awesome peace, in my opinion.

It becomes apparent that Jack did not kill the head terrorist. This guy has the same gun shot wounds Jack has and will apparently be able to withstand interrogation in a couple of minutes. However, one of the ENTs is an evil white person who happens to be Russian. This No Goodnik injects something into the head terrorist’s neck when (this might be hard to believe) nobody is looking.

No Goodnik calls the Russian ambassador because he passed Agent Freckles in the hall and recognized her. She didn’t recognize him. He tells the ambassador that he will “keel” her and Jack. Or that he will “keel Moose and Squirrel”—it was hard to understand him.

One of people President Poofy-Hair threw in jail a few hours ago, comes up to President Woman with this great idea: how about having Mrs. Poofy-Hair became President? This way the “Peace Treaty” gets signed and every male in the Small Islamic Republic gets to see Kayla. President Woman likes the idea because she is really into the “Peace Treaty”, as we all know. She approaches Mrs. Poofy-Hair and after a full minute of sympathy gets down to the business of asking Mrs. Poofy-Hair to become the new President because sisters are doing it for themselves.

I know that previous paragraph could in no way convey the griping must-see TV of that scene. But we got even stronger instance of girl power. Chloe was named the head of CTU! She replaces Director Bubba, who for the first time in the day, stood up straight. Her first order of business should be finding out where that smell is coming from because a few hours earlier The Not That Hot Tech killed Bill Dauterive and stuffed him in an out take vent.

[Note: the following would have been really funny if I were not a deacon and a high school Sunday School teacher at a large Baptist Church]

As we all know, Jack and Agent Freckles have been making goo-goo eyes at each other for a long time now. Agent Freckles loved the way Jack could shoot people in the just the right spot on the thigh and how he could take a knife. Jack admired the way Agent Freckles could saw off the thumb of a bad guy and take a shovel full of dirt in the face (from last year). Also, she is not built like his last girlfriend, the Catatonic Audrey who had figure like an ironing board.

Jack and Agent Freckles were back at his place. Ladies, if you hear the phrase from Jack, “I have coffee here somewhere”, that means he has taken his medicine, if you catch my drift. Soon Jack and Agent Freckles are smooching big time.

In the midst of all of this, President Woman informs the Russian ambassador that Mrs. Poofy-Hair will be the President. This does not impress the ambassador. President Woman goes to see Ethan, who is remarkable fit and talk-y considering he had a heart attack two hours ago. Ethan says President Woman needs to utilize President Milhous Logan.

It is amazing to me that after all these years, we still find time to kick Nixon around, but I must give it the actor who plays Logan. You can see the slime ooze out of his pours, and you don’t need HDTV. This guy has a great ability to convey that his thoughts without speaking (thought: I am slimey). Anyway, Logan says has contacts, President Woman brings up the “trampling the Constitution, blah, blah, blah" (bold talk from a President when confronted with the certain deaths of tens of thousands of New Yorkers said “we will deal with it”). After a lot of talk, President Woman lets Logan do what he wants, because, she needs this “Peace Treaty”.

No Goodnik followed the two love birds to their love nest and like any good sniper, watched Jack and Agents Freckles download a schematic. After they are done with a good five minutes of passion, Jack announces he wants some water, which in eight years of the show, is the first time he’s ever been thirsty. Chloe calls Jack’s cell to tell him that the Head Terrorist died after being injected with something only fifty minutes before. But Agent Freckles answers. Shots are fired, all of them hitting Agent Freckles and none them hitting Jack. Jack takes her to the hospital, which is only two minutes away. Too late. Silent clock. Again. Jack cries. Every time he gets a girl, she dies or goes to Seattle to work on “Grey’s Anatomy”.