The Key To A Happy Marriage

This year, my wife (Queen Lori of Brookmont) and I (The Duke of Earl) will celebrate 27 years of wedded bliss. Yes, on April 12, 1986, I became a married man. This happens to be the date of “The Great Single Woman Mass Suicide of 1986” when the single women of the world realized I was off the market.

I think 27 years of marriage makes me an “expert” on marriage. At least I’m an expert on being married to Lori. Therefore, I have always tooled around with notion that I should write a book about marriage. I would call it: The Key To A Happy Marriage.

You hear a lot about “keys” to a happy marriage. You know: listening, helping out around the house, pretending to understand  Pinterest, etc. However, there is truly only one key to a happy marriage. Do not have sex with anyone else but your wife. Boom.

If there is one constant fact in history, it is this: the main cause of divorce in this country is men and the reason for that is men are stupid. A lot of men think they can have sex with other women and still stay married to their wives. This simply does not happen unless you have marriage of political convenience like President and Mrs. Future President Clinton.

In fact, every man that cheats on his wife thinks he can get away with it. He cannot. Women are smarter than men. I know of one couple where the husband was cheating on his wife with someone that was way out of his league because he was a hot shot at his company and the ‘other woman’ was trying to work her way up, if you know what I mean. One evening, the husband comes in from “a late night at work”. Wife is lying in bed, asking him about his day. While he was taking off his pants getting ready for bed, she notices that his underwear was on backwards. He should have confessed then and there and begged for her forgiveness because: a) the wife soon divorced him because what man just happens to put his underwear on backwards   and b) the office hottie dumped him for “another” man that would not forget how to put on his underwear.

Now every man is tempted because (say it with me) every man is stupid. One way every man is stupid is that we believe in our heart of hearts, that we are borderline Brad Pitt in the looks department.   Here is a clothing example from my personal life to illustrate.

                                                   My Twin

Back in 1990’s, the company I worked for started hating their employees. One of the ways they expressed their hated was coming up with new rules for taking paid days off. This particular year, the company decided that they wanted to limit the days you could carry over from one year to the next and I had a ton of vacation days, so I was forced to take some days off. So, I took a day off without the family.

Lori went to work. I took our son into daycare and then I went to the gym. This particular gym was an amazing gym. It had every piece of equipment in the world, a basketball court, a spa—the works. It also had clientele that, unlike me, look like they go to a gym.

I started my work out when I noticed this very attractive blonde looking at me. At first, I didn’t think much about it. But then it became obvious that she was staring at me. I would go and work out on a machine and out of the corner of my eye I would see her staring at me.

I am not used to that type of attention. I started wondering what was wrong. Then I realized, “Hey, she likes what she sees. Yeah, come on!” Even though I was very flattered, I could totally understand why she would find a Hot Hunk like me attractive. Yet, I wanted to walk up to her and say, “Sorry, sweetie, but my heart belongs to Lori. You can’t have me. I know it is tough, but you’ll just have to deal with it.”

I finished my work out and went to the dressing room to change. It was there I noticed that I had my gym pants on inside outwards and backwards. I could not have my gym pants on more wrong unless I wore it around my neck.

So, that’s one reason our marriage has lasted: I realize I am stupid but I am smart enough to know that nobody would put up with my goofiness besides my wife.