Wag The Dog

Well, the election is rambling on and we are now focused on things that really matter. Ha, ha, ha, ha, of course, not. Who wants to hear about the economy when we can hear about Mitt Romney maybe/maybe not cutting the hair of someone who may/may not have been gay but we can’t ask him because he is dead (the person—not Mitt Romney)? This event happened in 1965. It is important because it reveals this about the character of Mitt Romney: he will apologize for events that he doesn’t remember and possibly didn’t happen.

I thought the events from someone’s wild and crazy youth were deemed irrelevant by the press to the election process. If not, we’ll never elect a President from the Facebook generation because of the posted pictures of the leaders of tomorrow blitzed with the girls of today who almost always contort their mouths to look like Daisy Duck.

After all, wasn’t it President Clinton that “didn’t inhale”? He just sat there, listening to The Grateful Dead, with the dope smokers pretending to sort of smoke dope. By his own admission, President Obama was a Hawaiian version of Jeff Spicoli-falling out of vans followed by a cloud of smoke of questionable origin. Wait, I forgot, they are Democrats, which is sort of a force field against private indiscretions.

But when you are dealing with Mitt Romney, you are dealing with a person whose biggest personal scandal is trying a little Coke (as in Coca Cola) in college. So the press is grasping at straws in order to make Romney appear to be something other than what he is: a political Donny Osmond.

One story about Romney that did happen was when he took their family dog, Seamus, on vacation from Massachusetts to a cottage in Canada. He put the dog in a carrier and strapped it to the top of his (Mitt’s, not Seamus’) 1983 Chevorlet Caprice Station Wagon. On the way, Seamus got a bad case of diarrhea. Soon Mormon doggie dung (that’s a great name for a band) was everywhere. Romney stopped the car, held a news conference, apologized to Seamus, and then allowed Seamus to drive the car to their destination. Actually, Romney stopped the car, cleaned it and Seamus up, put the dog back in the carrier and went on Canada never imaging that this would be anything other than a funny family story.

The incident does, I’ll agree, raise a lot of questions about Romney. For example, who knew Romney ever owed a Chevy? After this incident, did Romney refer to this Chevy as his "number two vehicle"? Did his kids ever refer to the station wagon as "The Fecal Flier"?** Doesn't it seem weird to you that a bunch of teenagers would ride around in a van looking for mysteries to solve when the biggest mystery is staring them in the face? (How did this dog learn to talk? How come he has his own brand of treats? I know "Scooby Doo" doesn't have anything to do with Romney, but I was wondering.)

Rick Santorum said “As far as Seamus the dog ... the issues of character are important in this election. We need to look at all those issues and make a determination as to whether that’s the kind of person [Romney] you want to be president of the United States.” He could have a point: Lyndon Johnson would pick up his basset hound by the ears and look at how he handled the Vietnam War. I'm not certain it speaks to Romney's character. He gave Seamus a choice. He asked Seamus where he wanted to ride and the dog said "Roof".

**My dad had a 1973 Lime Green Plymouth Scamp. It was called "The Snot Rod".