Teaching Uncle Joe New Tricks

When we last looked at The Democratic Party, there was only, oh, 485 people running for the party's Presidential nomination.

This included California Senator Kamala Harris who proudly exclaimed to Charlamagne Tha God (Remember when politicians proudly exclaimed things to Larry King?) that she smoked marijuana in college while she was listening to Snoop Dogg and Tupac. It must have been some powerful weed because neither Snoop Dogg or Tupac had albums out while Harris was in college.

It includes Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth "High Cheek Bones" Warren, who I think we have all concluded is not of Native American ancestry.

It includes former Congressman Robert Frances "Beto" O'Rourke who is basing his candidacy on the fact that he can't beat Ted Cruz.

The candidate getting the most buzz this month is Pete Buttigieg. Buttigieg happens to be a Navy veteran and happens to be the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, which happens to be a mid-sized Midwestern town that happens to be the home of Notre Dame University. Until now, being the mayor of South Bend, Indiana would not be enough for a candidate to be taken seriously in the Democratic Primary. However, Buttigieg, who happens to be white, also happens to be gay. I guess that is enough for the Democratic base.

Of course, how could you forget Bernie Sanders?  Bernie is still out there, yelling like he wants you to get off his lawn because, let's face it, Bernie is 300 years old.

The biggest name, that hasn't announced yet, is former Vice President Joe Biden.

Like Sanders, Biden is old. How old do you ask?  When Biden was first elected as a Senator from the great state of Delaware, I was in the eighth grade at East Cobb Junior High School.

Yes, Biden has been around a long time. In fact, he has run for President two times before. Once, in 1988, he was considered a leading contender when it was discovered he gave a speech that was originally given by Neil Kinnock, who was the bass guitarist for The Kinks.

Yikes, Neil Kinnock was a British Labour Leader ( in England they spell "Labor" with a "u" because it makes them look snooty).  Biden really liked the speech.

 "During an event at the Iowa State Fair, Biden mimicked entire portions of Kinnock's speech from earlier in the year. At one moment, Biden repeated the line that he was the first "in a thousand generations" to graduate from college, gesturing to his wife in the exact same way Kinnock did  while also saying the same line about her education and lineage."

Then in classic Joe Biden style: "Biden would later acknowledge that he, in fact, did have relatives who attended college, directly contrasting the Kinnock lines." 

This caused Biden to drop out of the 1988 race, with the Democratic nomination being won by Neil Kinnock Governor Michael Dukakis, who if I remember right, had the charisma of cottage cheese.

All of this goes to show Biden has a problem with running his mouth. He made some odd comments in 2007 when he ran against Barack Obama. When Obama selected Biden to be his running mate, Biden said: “When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed.”   What is great about this comment is that he got two historical facts right. One, the stock market did crash. Two, there was a person named Franklin D. Roosevelt.  Other than that, nothing about the comment is accurate because the crash happened in 1929 and Roosevelt wasn't President. Television was also not around for Roosevelt to get on.

He was our Vice President during the Obama years and basically, he was okay. He said Republicans wanted to put minorities in chains. He also said Obama care was a "big (really bad word) deal". Besides that, Biden was just your Uncle Joe.

However, Uncle Joe had a habit of massaging women's shoulders, giving them hugs, and smelling their hair.  Now all of this was done out in the public at swearing-ins and campaign rallies. But that was back in the wild and crazy age of 2014.

Now, it is 2019 and we are a year and a half into the #MeToo movement. A man can't just go around sticking his nose in a woman's hairdo, doesn't matter whose Vice President he was. Uncle Joe has gotten in trouble with the "conversation police"-the people who always say we ought to have a "conversation" about a topic but what they really want is to lecture and hector.

So, Uncle Joe has released a Twitter video, like the hip kids, stating that he "gets it" and will now allow women their own personal space.

Of course, President Trump responded with his usual grace and charm by retweeting a meme that shows Joe Biden coming up from behind to sniff Joe Biden's hair and giving Joe Biden a shoulder massage during Joe Biden's statement. New York magazine quickly advised its readers that "The leader of the Free World tweeted a doctored video of Joe Biden fondling himself".

For a second I thought it was real, thanks to New York magazine for letting me know the video was "doctored",

This is going to be a fun couple of years.