Saturday, July 29, 2017
To be honest, until 2015, I never paid that much attention to Donald John Trump.
I mean, I knew he was famous and I saw him on TV even though I never watch "The Apprentice". I'm not much on reality game shows.
I knew he was rich, too. The kind of rich where people are sort of interested in your life but they don't know why. The kind of rich where you trade in wives. The kind of rich where you write books teaching schlubs like me how to get rich. The only problem with these books is the advice always reads like Steve Martin's "How to Make a Million Dollars and Never Pay Taxes ("First: Make a million dollars").
I heard Trump several times on Imus In The Morning. This was back when he was a Democrat.
Sometimes he sounded like he knew what he was talking about and other times he didn't Talk about foreshadowing.
Frankly, I didn't get Trump and didn't see why everybody found him fascinating.
Then, as political stories always mention, he rode down the escalator and began his run for the Presidency as a Republican. I started paying attention.
Now after two years, in which saw Trump basically train wreck himself into not only the Republican nomination but into The White House itself, I can't say I understand Trump, but I've basically figured out his pattern.
First: Trump says something outrageous or stupid or both.
Second: Most of the news media reports Trump said something outrageous or stupid or both.
Third: Officials from The Trump Administration explain what Trump meant. ("What the President said should be taken figuratively and not literally".)
Fourth: Trump gives an exclusive interview to a news personality and explains he literally said exactly what he meant.
Fifth: Mike Pence starts measuring drapes in The Oval Office.
Sixth: Somebody on Twitter announces his/her hatred of Trump and Ben Affleck as Batman.
Seventh: Joe and Mika discontinue a heavy petting make-out session to condemn Trump.
Eighth: Trump says "Mika is, at best, a six if you are wearing beer goggles, let's be honest".
Ninth: Trump gives a speech or does something that makes actual sense.
Tenth: You think, "Hmm, he just might be getting the hang of this Presidency business."
Eleventh: Trump says something outrageous or stupid or both.
Trump is currently stuck in his Trump-mode in which nobody understands what he is thinking or what his point might be because he doesn't make any sense.
He is currently treating Attorney General Jeff Sessions like a red headed step-child. He is going on Twitter bashing his Attorney General-the man he nominated and the man that works at the pleasure of the President. Trump wants Sessions to resign even though Trump could fire Sessions at any time. It is almost like Trump thinks he going to owe Sessions unemployment compensation if he fires him.
It has gotten so bad that even Democrats are saying nice things about Sessions even though a couple of months ago you would have sworn they thought Sessions was The Grand Buffalo of The Nasty White Man's Club.
Sessions was one of the first elected Republicans to endorse Trump.
Last week, Trump hired Anthony "The Mooch" Scarmucci. We quickly learn the "The Mooch" loves Trump even more than Trump loves Trump, which is something. He's got a Harvard degree and was a Wolf of Wall Street. I listened to Scarmucci's press conference last week and he seemed like he was a sharp guy.
That was last week. This week, Mr. Harvard Degree called a reporter for The New Yorker and went on an obscenity saturated rant that would have made a sailor blush. He said something about Steve Bannon which A) I didn't think was possible and B) made Bannon a sympathetic character (which I didn't think was possible either.)
Mr. Harvard Degree believes the entire problem in The Trump White House was Reince Priebus, The White House Chief of Staff. Here is a transcript of a conversation Scarmucci had with the President.
Scarmucci: "You know, this grease ball from Wisconsin, Richard, Wence, Wrench, Reebes whatever his name is? He's the source of all of the leaks in The White House. Capiche? I love you."
Trump: "I was thinking the same beautiful thing! What kind of name is Reince any way? Pfffft! It's such a loser name and he smells like cheese! Fire him! No, wait. Have him resign. I don't want to pay him unemployment."
Scarmucci: "Great idea, Mr. President. I love you more now than I did a minute ago."
Priebus has now resigned and will be replaced by General John Kelly. General Kelly maybe the only person in the world that could tell Trump to shut his yap and focus on his job instead of Twitter. If he does, maybe Trump will stay at the tenth part of his pattern and get the hang of this Presidency business.