Wednesday, June 21, 2017
A Millennial Gettysburg Address
If The Gettysburg Address was given by a Millennial Abraham Lincoln.
Like, um, it was about 87 years ago (isn't, like, a score 20 years, so it was 4 or 5 scores plus 7 years) some old white dudes created this lit country they stole from the Native Americans conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. As if.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, which is almost as shook as the one Captain America had with Iron Man, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. Personally, I'm actually for Captain America. My bro was for Iron Man probably because I was for Cap. I was like, chill. You know Captain America is twice the superhero Iron Man was. I mean, Captain America partied with Harry Truman and Samuel L. Jackson. You can't party harder than that!
We are met on a great battlefield of that war. This Civil War-not the one in the Marvel Comic Universe. You know, I really dig Wolverine from "The X-Men". I would totally be on whatever team Wolverine joined.
We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place. I mean, like whoa. Men came up here and like, died, for the country. And I shouldn't just mention men. I should give a big shout out to the women that were here along with all of the Transgendered soldiers.
I'm going to tweet #Itisaltogetherfittingandproperthatweshoulddothis. Make sure you do it as well and maybe we can get this trending on Twitter.
But I guess, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground and we won't allow a Starbucks to be built around here, although I could go for a vanilla bean frappuccino right now. My bro doesn't like Starbucks. He's a Dunkin Donuts man and that is so lame. My old man told me that they used to make the donuts at the actual Dunkin Donuts and how good the Dunkin Donuts smelled. TBH, He's always going on and on about how something smelled in 1978. He's got a real historical nose. It is very annoying.
The brave dudes, gals, and people of other various genders, living and dead, who struggled here have apparently consecrated it far above our awesome power to add or detract. So that's pretty hundo p if you ask me.
The world will always note and long remember what I say here because I'm Abraham Lincoln and I have this great beard. I decided not to do the mustache part because I think it looks pretty woke already. You would not believe the grief I got for not doing the mustache. I can't even. I just can't even. I mean, it is my face, you know.
It is for us, you know, the living to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here. So let's all go and throw shade on those super sus people. They probably still use Blackberrys or even worse, flip phones like my grandparents One time, my grandmother sent me a text. She said it took her three days to write it. I just texted back "K" and then I got another text, three days later, asking me what "K" meant. I told her it meant "okay". Three days later I got another text back saying we have a lot of weird words and phrases. I told her it was like "23 Skidoo" or whatever they said back before they invented electricity. At Christmas, she said something about "her will" and how I won't be a part of it. Sorry, not sorry.
It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the goals remaining before us--that from these BAE we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly, like promise, for real,that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth. Whoa, that is so on fleek!