Good Advice

“Good advice costs nothing and it’s worth the price” – Allan Sherman

I’ve finally figured out why I’m not a fabulously wealthy writer or at the very least, a really popular blogger.  It is not because I’m an untalented hack that can barely spell and may only know a rule or two of grammar. It is because I don’t share my real life-real world wisdom in my blogs.

Last month, I turned 54 years old and if there is one thing I’ve learned is that people are stupid and the only way they are going to get smarter is to listen to me. I am very full of wisdom. People tell me all the time that I am full of it. So feel free to clip and save the following and place it on your refrigerator. Either that or send me some money.

Avoid Dumb People: Dumb people have a way of making things dumber. They are easy to spot. They are the ones that raise their hands in a meeting to ask a question that is usually irrelevant to whatever is going on or makes sense to only themselves. If I ever ran a meeting, I would make sure to announce that I believe that there are dumb questions and I don’t want to hear any.

Do Not Try To Be Something You’re Not Unless You’re A Dip: It is never good to try to be something you’re not, but then again, some people need to try to be something other than what they are.

Act Like You Have Some Sense: My dad used always tell me this (not sure why).  I didn’t actually have to have any sense, but I could at least pretend that I had some.

Stop Lying To Yourself: The chances of you winning the lottery, being elected President or having a kid that plays either professional football/baseball are very remote. You will never be famous. You will never make a movie. You will be lucky if they get your order right at a drive-thru. Celebrate that victory!

(For Men) Do Not Have Sex With Anybody You Are Not Married To:  Women find this objectionable.

Stop Trying To Hold Onto The Past: One of the dirty little secrets of the past is that a lot of times it was tough, dull, and the TV only had three stations and you had to get up from the couch and turn the channels yourself. And if that awful President Johnson was on, you can be sure he was going to “Mah Feller Mericans” you to death on all three channels.

Do Not Try To Buy Happiness: See if you can’t rent it first.


Do Not Compete With Everyone Else: Everyone hates that person who always has to top whatever somebody else might have said. If you say, “I didn’t sleep at all last night”, this person will say, “I haven’t slept in a week”. If you say, “My Great Grandmother, who was 154 years old and personally knew Grover Cleveland, died last week in her sleep”. This person will say, “My Great,Great Grandmother who dated Ulysses S. Grant, died yesterday while participating in a Half-Marathon.”  I call this “People I Grew Up With In East Cobb County Georgia” not that I’m holding on to the past. I’m just bitter.

Car Windows Are Made Of Glass:  This means the person in the lane next to you can see what you are doing, which is usually, er, cleaning your nose digitally.


Nobody Likes The Music You Like As Much As You Do:  Wear headphones or turn down the volume on the radio. Is it really that difficult?


Don’t Stop Believing: Especially if you’re from South Detroit and you’re on a midnight train going anywhere.

Don’t Blame Others For Your Troubles: Sometimes it is your fault and sometimes it is not. Most people don’t want to hear about it. They got their own troubles, which are probably your fault.


Stop Trying To Change The World:  Years ago, I was watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000, one of the best SHOWS EVER with my then 5 year old son. In the middle of a very important joke, the door bell rang. I opened the door and there were two of the most precious elderly lady witnesses for Jehovah. One of the ladies said, “Hello, I was wondering if you would like to change the world” to me with my 5 year old standing next to me. I said, “No, I wouldn’t” and I shut the door. My son then looked up at me and said, “Dad, how come you don’t want to change to world?” I told him “I like the world just the way it is”. That may not be the best thing to say to a 5 year old, but if you wouldn’t try to change the world, I wouldn’t have to say it.