A Vast Wasteland

When television is good, nothing -- not the theater, not the magazines or newspapers -- nothing is better. But when television is bad, nothing is worse.  Newton Minow, 1961

The big news in television is that the mini-series, The Bible, based on “The B-I-B-L-E, yes, that’s the book for me” has been a ratings smash for The History Channel. Previously, the most popular show on The History Channel has been Pawn Stars, which  has a slight connection to history in that people bring in old stuff to a pawn shop and Rick (the owner) tries to explain it to his family which includes a grouchy old man (his Dad),  a tatted-up son, and a young man that looks like he was a child left behind. A typical Pawn Stars episode has someone bringing something really neat to the pawn shop, like the original copy of The Gettysburg Address. Rick turns and explains to his Dad that The Gettysburg Address was a famous speech given by Abraham Lincoln, who was the 16^th President of The United States. Rick tells the customer that he can’t tell if it is the authentic copy of The Gettysburg Address so he calls in an expert. The expert comes to the shop and confirms that this is the long lost copy The Gettysburg Address and is worth millions of dollars. Rick offers the customer fifty dollars and mentions framing costs.

Part of the reason for the popularity of The Bible is that despite what you may have heard, there are a lot of Christians out there and they like The Bible. Another reason is that there’s not much to watch on television in general.

It seems like every other television show is a game show. However, unlike game shows of my youth like Match Game ’75 (Gene Rayburn holding a stick microphone. “Silly Sally was embarrassed because she blanked herself. Richard Dawson?") these shows are actual competitions and the contestants actually have to do something like sing (American Idol) or dance (Dancing With The Stars). But leave it to television to take a good idea and run it into the ground.  There’s a show out called Splash! and it features famous people jumping into a pool. One of these days, there will be a show  called Skip! and will feature famous people playing hop scotch.

There are tons of sports shows, many of which have little to do with the sports, but a lot to do with sports writers yelling at each other.  One show on ESPN had two well known sports writers debating if Lebron James should participate in the NBA Dunk Contest at the All-Star game. One sports writer took the Pro-Lebron Dunk side and the other sportswriter took the Anti-Lebron Dunk side. I thought they were going to punch either other over something that concerns one person: Lebron James.

My wife and I have been watching a show called The Following which stars Kevin Bacon as a former FBI agent with a pacemaker. I think the show would have been better if Bacon’s character was a former FBI agent with a pacemaker and a peg leg.  This show was filmed here in Georgia last year and I saw, and this is no lie, Kevin Bacon walking around Marietta. It was kind of strange. I saw this guy and I thought, “You know, I have this strange urge to cut loose, footloose, and kick off my Sunday shoes."

The Following has Kevin Bacon’s character trying to stop a charismatic English professor who just happens to be a serial killer from killing the love interest who was married to the English professor and had a fling with Kevin Bacon. This professor has a cult following that he turns into fellow serial killers too and together they have seminars about maximizing your serial killing. 

Of course,you cannot miss the commercials for the various prescription drugs  with the disclaimers that make you want to suck it up and just deal with your ailment yourself because the cure is worse that the disease. For example, let’s imagine that there is a prescription drug for adult acne. It would be like this.

Acneium: for adult acne. Side effects may include but are not limited to: hallucinations, leukemia, uncontrollable flatulence, stuttering, and a desire for peanut butter.  Do not take Acneium with alcohol. Do not drive heavy machinery or make important life decisions (including if you should give during your local PBS station’s pledge drive) while on Acneium. Do not stay in the same room as Acneium or even look at it.  A burning sensation with severe headaches, dizziness, and explosive diarrhea  accompanies each dose of Acneium. Some patients report that it makes their Acne worse.  Do not lend money to Acneium. Do not let small children or animals near Acneium. Acneium is not meant to be a breath mint. Do not iron clothes while talking Acneium. What were you thinking off when you asked your doctor for Acneium?

The Bible is popular because it is an oasis in the vast wasteland.