How To Argue On Social Media Like A World Champ

Now that the Presidential contest is over, we need to acknowledge that this was the first full fledge election that Social Media (Facebook and Twitter) has taken part in. Previously, Facebook and Twitter was used to show your family and friends pictures of your vacation and what you are having for supper. Now it is a way of expressing your political opinion.  Which turns out to be much like your vacation pictures: no one is really interested.

Some people do not realize that Facebook and Twitter are supposed to be lightweight means of expression. Some want to argue and debate on Facebook and Twitter. I’m going to give a little tutorial on how to Argue in Social Media. This will be on the final exam.

1. Act like anyone that disagrees with you is a dork.  If they were not a dork, they would agree with you. Isn’t that simple?
 

 

2. Use as many swear words a possible. Calling someone a moron will never win a Social Media debate. Calling someone an (Anglo-Saxon term for intercourse) moron means you will win any debate at any time.

3. Debate topics that nobody has ever debated before. For example: do animals have constitutional rights?

4. Grammar and spelling are not that important in Social Media. Except when you are in a debate. Then it is proper and fitting to point out all of the grammatical and spelling errors you can find. Find a way to work in the phrase: “Irregardless is not a word”, like you are Noah Webster.  You may not win friends, but you will win the argument.

5. If you are discussing a controversial topic, like The Kennedy Assassination, make sure you use a discredited movie as the basis of your opinion, like a recently retired third baseman for The Atlanta Braves.

This third baseman disagrees with the findings of The Warren Commission.

6. My personal favorite: use as many question marks or exclamation points as possible with capital letters. Such as: “JOHN MCCAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHAT R U SAYING??????????????????????????????????” or “I GUESS OBAMA IS A STUPID MOOSLEM SOCIALIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????”   I learned in my 14 years of taking English classes that one question mark or exclamation point was sufficient.  I guess that is obsolete.

7. Never, Never, Never, Never, Never,Never concede a point. That means that you are a loser and that the other person is right and therefore, better than you.

8. Never acknowledge that the person you are disagreeing with is an actual human being with feelings. This makes you weak.

9. Memes of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka are always an effective tool to destroy an opponents argument.

10.  One bonus: if you are in a Tweet war with a celebrity on Twitter, they may re-Tweet  your brilliant salvo for all the Twitter world to see.

11.  Research is not required.

12.  Neither is maturity.

13.  The good: if you get into a heated political discussion at work, punches might be thrown. On Facebook, the worse that can happen is that you get defriended.

   14.  Circular arguments are the best. Here's Monty Python to show you how it works.

   

      15. Always remember: You're right! They're wrong! Plus they are either: racists, homophobes, plutocratic snobs, uptight fundamentalists, or at worst, a white Southern male. Or: they are a liberal.