Love and Marriage

Pretty soon, my wife and I will celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary. I guess that means that it “took”.

This probably comes as a surprise to some people. There were those back then who thought I had definitely out kicked my coverage and Lori took on a hopeless building project. While I did out kick my coverage with Lori, I’d say she’s done pretty well with her project.

In any event, I think I can now give people the benefit of my wisdom regarding marriage. Boy, if you look at the statistics, my wisdom couldn’t hurt. You don’t have to be Tammy Wynette to know that half of all marriages end in D-I-V-O-R-C-E. That’s with a record number of couples are living together before marriage, which was suppose to solve that problem. My mother used to say these couples were “shacking up”. You don’t hear that term anymore.

As long as I am here, let me advise you of something that will prevent me from ever directing a major Hollywood motion picture. I believe marriage is between a man and woman. I know - call me a weirdo.

I’m going to direct my attention to the men out there. It is obvious that of the two genders, the male of the species is what most scientists refer to as “a total retard” when it comes to marriage. There are various theories for this. The most commonly accepted is that men are retards and they cannot help themselves. The following should help my brothers in arms.

1. What ever you do, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT have sex with another woman while you are married. Women find this objectionable. Even if this woman is Jennifer Aniston and she tells you that you need to make sweet love to her to keep her from dying a fast painful sudden death. By the way, no judge is going to believe that Jennifer Aniston was after you.


2. Do not ever argue with your wife. She will, almost always, be right, because she is smarter than you and uses this organ in her body called: The Brain. You might want to Google to see what this organ does instead of Googling “Nekkid Pictures of that 'X-Files' woman”.

3. Never have any opinions. You will find the pain in your head will go away once you agree with her.

4. When your wife is pulled over for a speeding and she tells you that she was not speeding and gives you a ten minute explanation of how she knows she was not speeding, just listen to her. Do not say, “The jails are filled with innocent people”. Trust me on this one.

5. For some reason, women that have the regular “time of the month” forget to buy their products and will remember they need their products at the most inconvenient times such as 1:00 A.M. Christmas morning or the day you are inaugurated as President. Just do as she says and go get it.

6. She expects some help with the kids. This means changing diapers. I had a friend of mine named Grover (really), who said he got to where he could eat a chicken salad sandwich and change a diaper at the same time. By the way, he’s been married much longer than I have.

7. She will bust a gut worrying about the kids. Lori has worried about every aspect of our son’s life. I mainly worried about his batting average.

8. If you ever feel the need to critique her looks and/or body, look in the mirror, buddy.

9. The amount of time she will talk about her hair: 400 hours (in a week). Time you will talk about your hair: 30 seconds (during the span of a 50 year marriage).