Easy Rider

Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
And explode into space - Steppenwolf


One of the difficult things about blogging is sometimes it is difficult coming up with a topic. I’m sure you have noticed. However, last week, the Lord presented to thy funny bond servant Alan something too good not to write about-University of Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino and his motorcycle accident.

Here’s what we thought happened. Petrino showed up at a press conference that College Football coaches hold to discuss the exciting spring practices wearing a neck brace and sporting some pretty nifty abrasions on his face. In true Petrino fashion he said, “What neck brace and abrasions?” Actually, he admitted that he was in a motorcycle accident.

Here’s what he left out. He had a passenger that was a new employee. This new employee was a hot, blonde 26 year old former volleyball player for the University of Arkansas. Oh yeah, Petrino explained, he didn’t tell that part of the story because he didn’t want to hurt his family because there was an “inappropriate relationship”. “Inappropriate relationship” is a nice way of saying Petrino and the employee were doing the Honolulu Hula.

I never thought Petrino would ever be involved in a sexual scandal. Not that he was above doing anything wrong. The man is what psychologists refer to as a “total turd”. He is well known for jumping from job to job while lying to the face of his employers, players and fans. He took the job as head coach of The Atlanta Falcons after signing a contract with The University of Louisville and then left the Falcons before the end of the season when the Arkansas job was offered.

Petrino getting involved with a younger woman never entered my radar. The man is sort of plain looking, unlike Mark Richt, who, you have to admit is a striking man even if he does still part his hair down the middle. If I looked like Mark Richt, I would be a total mess. I would use my good looks for evil. That’s why God made me like I am.

Of course, what Petrino does during half time is not any of my business. However, he is an employee of the State of Arkansas and he may have disgraced that fine state. The state in which the flagship university has a pig as its mascot. The state which gave the nation President Bill Clinton, who spent a good part of his second term trying to explain what is and is not sex. The state which gave the nation Wilbur Mills, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee in the early 70’s, who got into a fight with a stripper.

This incident has spawned a massive amount of new jokes (most of which a Baptist Deacon cannot print in family humor blog) and a couple of songs. It has also caused a certain amount of blow back from the Razorback nation. Sports radio talk show host Andy Hodges posted a mild joke about Petrino on Facebook and someone responded by quoting the Gospel of John (“ye without sin cast the first stone”) and begged Hodges to leave “our coach” alone. I looked on the roster, and I didn’t see this fellow’s name on it at all.

Which leads me to believe that Petrino will keep his job. He has won a lot of football games, which covers a multitude of sins,including lying to your boss. If he had a losing record, he would have been fired last week. Just expect to hear a lot of giggling when he tells his team that they need to step up and show some character.