24: The Movie

The following is a portion of the script for “24 The Movie” that we obtained.


[ Scene: The Oval Office. The recently sworn in President, Pewt Gingnich, is receiving his first briefing from his national security advisor]

President Gingnich

This has been an incredibly historic day and now I understand that we are trying to kill the number one terrorist in the world: the dastardly Swedish Muslim terrorist, Osama Sven Laden.

National Security Advisor

We have a top man on it, Jack Bauer.

President Ningrich

Great. That means this should be done by lunch. After that, we can send him over to shoot my second wife in the thigh.

[Meanwhile in Kabul, Afghanistan, Jack Bauer is leading a team of four hundred Navy Seals to the Sven Laden Compound. His team includes an African-American, a Mexican, an Iranian, a woman, and the cast of Glee]

Jack Bauer

We need a perimeter and a couple of people to die a slow painful death. Any volunteers? [Shouting] Where is Chloe with my schematics?

Chloe

Right here Jack.

[Chloe is sitting in her kitchen in a yellow robe looking like she just ate a pickle and punching into her lap top.]

Chloe

I’ve downloaded the entire schematics of the Sven Laden Compound to your iPhone along with my latest move in Words with Friends.

Jack

I don’t have time for that now. I must find Sven Laden and kill him before I fall in love with my female Navy Seal colleague who has a rockin’ body and an attitude to match.

Chloe

I do have to inform you that since this is a movie and not a TV show we can use swear words that rhyme with “Chuck” and “Mitt”. Also, I have up-linked the video the camera that our mole installed in Sven Laden’s residence so we can monitor his every move.

Jack

Do you show where Sven Laden is?

Chloe

He’s is in his office watching a DVD. It is called “Ala-freakin-Bama Girls Gone Wild At Mardi Gras”.

Jack

We’re going in. Chloe, I just want to tell you that even though we’ve gone through a lot together through all the years, with the deaths of Edgar, Bill, and President Allstate, you’re still just a person I work with. Plus, you need to smile more.

[Bauer and The Navy Seals storm the Sven Laden Compound. After several non-important non minorities are killed, Bauer confronts Sven Laden]

Jack

Sven Laden!

DVD

Hey ya’ll throw us up some beads! Woooo! Roll Tide!


Sven Laden

Jack Bauer. I am your father.

Jack

No, you’re not. I killed my father on an oil rig and you look nothing like him.

Sven Laden

Look, you can’t blame me for trying.

[Jack’s cell phone rings]

Jack

Hello!

Kim Bauer

Daddy!

Jack

Kim, this better be important!

Kim

Oh well, never mind then! Ignore me just like always. I’m stuck here in Kabul with a flat tire and there’s a man with a dish towel around his head pointing a gun at my face. I got a headache like you would believe and I got to Tee-Tee really bad. Oh yeah, I’m pregnant. What that? Daddy, there’s a mountain lion in my car! You’re going to have to choose between my life and the security of the United States of America. Daddy? Daddy? Are you there, Daddy?

[Sven Laden punches Jack in the eyeball, takes Jack’s machine gun and fires at point blank range at Jack. However, Jack makes a lot of twisty motions and is not hit by the bullets. Sven Laden then escapes through a passage known as “The Front Door”.]


(End of the First Act)