Go Forth or Something Like That

If I ever gave a graduation speech…..

Go placidly amid the noise and haste. If you don’t know what going placidly is, do not tell anyone you graduated from this school. The administration of this institution of higher learning has tried for years to get you to go placidly and for the most part you were non placid.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others even the dull and the ignorant, because usually they will be the ones talking. Or, at the very least, calling sports talk radio stations. Avoid loud and aggressive persons because they will be your bosses and they will want you to do some soul crushing meaningless task.

If you compare yourself with others you will became vain or bitter because you’ll be reading a magazine about, oh Justin Bieber, and you will become mad because he makes millions of dollars and can’t even grow facial hair. Or Lady Gaga who is famous because she wears meat. Why didn’t we think of that? We were too busy learning about algorithms to know we could wear a meat shirt and lecture our adoring fans about immigration.

Enjoy your achievements, for they will be few. Like the time you got to the new level in “Black Ops” instead of studying for your Econ final. Way to go! Keep interested in your own career. For the liberal arts major, that means being the best waiter/waitress you can be and learning the new items on the “2 for $20” menu insert.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, unless you become “too big to fail” then you can do just about whatever you want. The world is full of trickery, like those commercials for the bracelets that claim to give you better balance. Let this not blind you to what virtue there is: many persons strive for high ideals-we call them “waiters” and “waitress” (last year’s liberal arts graduates) and they will be serving your table today. Remember to tip them well.

Be yourself-unless you are a creep, bigot, jerk, perv, bully, or just plain weirdo. Then try to be somebody else, preferably someone who acts like a human being. Do not be cynical about love. Young women want status (money) and security (money). Young men just want something hot.

Try to grow old gracefully, unlike those of my generation who want to hang on to every shred of youth possible, mainly through chemical means. Try to come up with some better music. I’m tired of hearing “Sweet Home Alabama” too, but what is coming out now is horrible. Oh yes, stop saying “The Beatles” are over-rated. Geez, that is just plain dumb.

You are a child of the universe. But so is everybody else. Quit whining. Go out, get a job. It may not be the job you want, but join the club. If it pays the bills and feeds you, great! We Baby Boomers need all the taxpayers we can get.

To answer a question you asked a thousand times while you were at this institution: No, you will not need to know a majority of the stuff you learned here. Nobody will ask you a question about “Beowulf” in the real world unless it has something to do with Angelina Jolie. They will be real interested if you can get along with people, do what you are told to do, and keep your mouth shut.

Ninety per-cent of success in life is just showing up. Five per-cent of the rest is showing up on time. The remaining five per-cent is not telling people about your “Star Wars” action figures collection. Now go on, get out of here and don’t forget to pay back your student loans.